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Betrayed Womenz Thread - Part 3

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Blackheart11419 posted 1/19/2020 08:49 AM

I am about to scream and cry. I have no income and job searching every day is what I do and my H has a job that gets paid 41,000 a year and I cant handle any more bad luck. I know the Lord only gives us what we can handle but I cant handle anymore. I try talking to my H and I cant get to him to see from my point of view and then we get into a yelling match about our finances and I get frustrated and AM I the ONLY ONE that FEELS this WAY??

SpeedBump posted 1/19/2020 16:32 PM

Hi Lovely Ladies. I stopped in and was going to give an update on my world when I got seriously triggered by that god-damned General thread about sex acts with APs and WW. Holy hell, are we back on that again? Clearly another Team BH/WW vs BW thread that just pisses me off. I am so over how these BH swoon over another man's cheating wife. WTH?

So anyway, I lost 2 hours of my life reading through all that BS, fragile male masculinity, tiresome lecturing from WWs who suddenly want to give their man everything and make everyone swoon over them....that now I'm gonna go barf and try to come back later and update. I'm a full year out now, which translates into one full year of my life LOST! Plus 2 hours I'll never get back.

Anyway, back soon and just wanted to wish all well.

cocoplus5nuts posted 1/19/2020 17:32 PM

Blackheart, what are you trying to talk to your CH about?

Speedbump, I've steered clear of that thread. Same old shit. Not worth my time.

Had an interesting coffee talk with my H. I have a lot to process. Basically, he wanted to talk about his feelings about not moving to cali. All about him. Still clueless about me.

20yrsagoBS posted 1/19/2020 17:41 PM

Black heart?


Where in Illinois are you? What kind of work have you done before? Any college?

cocoplus5nuts posted 1/19/2020 18:13 PM

Now, I'm being lectured about how I need to be the dutiful military wife because my poor H's career. Guess what, fuckers?! We wouldn't be in this sitch if he hadn't stuck his dick in another woman!

SisterMilkshake posted 1/19/2020 19:16 PM

@Speedbump Oh my fuck, SpeedBump. I felt like I am in alternate universe on that thread.

another Team BH/WW vs BW thread that just pisses me off. I am so over how these BH swoon over another man's cheating wife. WTH?
Yep, yep and yep. And I got in mega trouble (with admin) for pointing out this exact dynamic. They (WW's in particular) took it as I was saying that these WW's and BH's were being inappropriate and something was going on between them. I was pointing out the obvious. It is a dynamic, in my opinion, that is triggery AF for BW's. I know it is for me. The killer is, this isn't even a real issue with most BH's. Honestly, only a few have had this issue since I have been here. Ten fucking years. Yet, it continually gets brought up for I don't know what reasons. (it wasn't an issue "back in the day" here, that I recall)

To top it off, some posters get angry at me for posting things I have not even posted. WTF?

Blackheart11419 posted 1/19/2020 20:39 PM

cocoplus5nuts just general things about how we both feel, whats on our mind, just every day talking.

20yrsagoBS I live in Macomb Illinois and I have a degree in Biological Science from Western Illinois University

Speedbump this group is great at giving advice and listening to everything. I have looked into other groups and this is the one I like the most.

SisterMilkshake posted 1/19/2020 21:04 PM

@coco

I'm being lectured about how I need to be the dutiful military wife because my poor H's career.
Hmmm, what is wrong with this picture? OTOH, will it cause him to be blackballed/blacklisted and asked to resign? I know this happened to a friend of mine's husband. It was Navy, though.

CallingSpades posted 1/19/2020 21:12 PM

Blackheart, I don't know what you're doing for your job search but here is what I've learned: an online search and applying to open positions should not be your primary strategy. The best is personal contacts. Put it out there to all friends, on social media, whatever, that you're looking for a job and have amazing customer service skills. Ask, who out there loves their workplace? People who are happy in their jobs love to respond to that (I do) and sometimes it's more important who you're working with than what you're doing. Next, don't just chase whatever is available. If you think of a place you like or a job your like to do, march yourself in there with all the confidence you can muster and say you think you could be a great fit for them because of x y z. Give them a business card (they are not expensive) with your contact info and ideally get the email of someone local to send your resume to that is NOT HR. Then send one to HR too. That local contact will decide if they want you and make sure HR doesn't bury your resume. Twice I have had custom positions created for me. Be willing to start part-time with a full-time option after a trial period. Try professional offices - client service is the same as customer service, but usually comes with a better paycheck or at least better benefits. Don't just email your resume places and patiently wait in line. Pick something - anything - and go after it. If they say no, well consider it good practice for the next try. What WH says doesn't matter. He doesn't have to understand, if YOU understand that you CAN do this. It's your life and he no longer gets a vote.

Sorry for that huge wall of text. I hate seeing women made to believe that they don't have anything to offer professionally. That is so clearly not the case.

[This message edited by CallingSpades at 10:38 PM, January 19th, 2020 (Sunday)]

CallingSpades posted 1/19/2020 21:33 PM

BBE, I don't even know if that was manipulation. Sounds like a show for the benefit of everyone else there. Especially if he still hasn't contacted you. How shitty is that? Not only would I ignore it, I'd be offended. It wasn't something nice he did for you, at all. Plus it was all about how he's going to "win," no remorse. He's just collecting flying monkeys.

Poor him for getting to spend 20 years in his dream career while I was left alone over and over and over.

Coco... This is the worst. You gave him your life, and he couldn't even give you fidelity. It's so hard not to be resentful of this. In my situation, I feel like a bigger person could forgive and keep on giving, but I KNOW I'm not that person. I don't want to bring that resentment to my marriage. It would never get better unless I could overcome that, and it would take a LOT of mental gymnastics. I'm old. I'm not flexible enough for that crap anymore. And yes, new mask, but same old self-centered fuckwart underneath.

The kids are having a lot of trouble with separation from WH. I try to stick to, he has to be in this job now and he will be with you as soon as he can. What I want to say is, he made his choices knowing he could lose you. Truth hurts.

TX1995 posted 1/19/2020 22:37 PM

I've steered clear of that thread as well. Same song. Same posters. Same BS. It triggers the crap out of me, nothing new, so no need to get involved!

Glad to have all the new ladies (well, glad you found our corner, but NOT glad you are on this site!)

((Blackheart)) - Finding a job is hard. Looking for one is a job in and of itself. I'll be sending positive thoughts for you to find something soon.

Coco - Sorry the coffee talk seemed like the same old stuff. I saw the mention of the military thing, and I don't think he meant you weren't a good military wife, but that if you were going to divorce, you might as well have him go. But I'm not sure he was taking into account the three children in your home, the fact that your 16 yo is close to dad, and that him moving across the country would not be good in general. I'm still fuming over your kids being told about this. WTF is wrong with husbands not taking into account the kid's having emotions, stress and feelings. They (the CHs) are so dang selfish it's unreal.

SpeedBump - I have been having that same thought - all of this time lost. I told my stupid cheater last night that I've lost almost 3 years of my life as collateral damage from the stupid choices that HE made to fuck up his life. And there's no end in sight! I've aged ten years in three (hair is falling out, wrinkles, muscles are basically wasting away because I have zero energy, and I drink more than I ever have. Hope you get recharged in your time away. There are certain posters I've learned to not venture into their threads...

Had a big blowout last night with WH. Told him that his AP probably didn't like having sex with him, she just did it for attention. That hurt his man ego. I was purposefully mean and told him that if you don't know what a woman likes, chances are that drunk sex and sex in a car aren't going to satisfy her. That I spent 20 years having sex with him before he fucked the AP. I know he didn't instinctively know how to do things. Then he got up and left the room, and our 12 yo was still up in the kitchen. My dumbass husband then went INTO THE GUEST ROOM in front of her. She came in my room hysterical, asking why Dad was sleeping in the other room. I mean WTH? Could he not have distracted himself until she left the fucking room? I went in and told him to fuck off for scaring the shit out of his 12 yo daughter. He came back while she cried and we told her that we had an argument and that he needed to cool down, so that's why he was in the guest room. It sucked. I'm fairly certain that me drinking and him drinking had something to do with our breakdown. He usually doesn't drink for that reason, but last night we had dinner with friends and he ended up drinking. Today has been busy, and he's been with the kids tonight, but damn if some days I don't wonder if the best thing for all of us would just be to get divorced.

We saw the new MC last week, and then I saw her alone. She's a CSAT and a partner specialist. It was great to feel understood. She is going to see WH alone again, and then keep seeing me to help me figure out whether or not I can stay in the marriage and to help me heal. It was so comforting to be with someone who didn't just take WH at his word. She is used to liars and asked questions in different ways when we were together and then asked me a few different ways if I trusted him, if I felt he was putting on a show, etc. She asked for his timeline, the lie detector results, etc. More than our other MC and either of our ICs ever did. So I feel hopeful about her help.

Hope you all had a good weekend womenz!


TX1995 posted 1/19/2020 22:48 PM

GMC - I was just on the Book Club forum and had to laugh. I swear, we are always on the same wavelength with books and podcasts. :)
Both of the books (Doghouse and Unspeakable Mind) are on that Scribd service I mentioned. As are a ton of other infidelity books.

My new therapist was recommending the work of DOUG Weiss (not Rob). Heard anything about him? I did listen to the few podcasts he did on infidelity and he's not a cheater apologist or betrayed blamer, so I'll let you know what I find out...

gmc94 posted 1/19/2020 23:52 PM

Hey womenz. I stayed away from that fucking women bashing bullshite. I don't need anyone to tell me that my WH having sex with another woman is somehow less painful to me bc the patriarchy never bothered to come up with the female equivalent of "emasculated".

It's funny, but there was a whole page in a book WH recently read that talked about how men see sex as no big deal, which is how they can justify an A. Goes into the whole schpiel about how men can compartmentalize sex but women can't, blah blah blah. And my first thought was: "huh. Funny how a WAYWARD man can compartmentalize it, but there is a strong contingent on SI of BETRAYED men who seem to think that it's the end of the world, and becomes a means to justify expecting their wives to be some sort of perverted sex slave".

Why can't we all just fucking agree that our partners sleeping with someone else is painful?

Coco - how you hanging in? Still sending strengthening and positive vibes.

TX - I was thinking about your switch to CSAT before I read your 2nd post. I hope it is providing you some peace. My CSAT is kind of harsh, but I love using her in combo with my trauma IC who is excellent (albeit w/o any infidelity experience). And yes, it is amazing how healing it can be to have an IC that does not question your "gut", and who understands that these guys lie their pants off (literally). It wasn't until I began seeing the CSAT and new trauma IC that I realized just how much damage my old IC was doing - not intentional, I think she is maybe close to retirement and is pretty much just "calling it in", which did not work for me. Both of my new ICs are very validating of my feelings and fears and lack of trust, vs my old IC whom I felt was often trying to guide me to just not feeling whatever I was feeling.

I've not been recommended anything by Doug Weiss. We'll see if WH does the Sheets workbook.

Edie posted 1/20/2020 01:33 AM


[This message edited by Edie at 1:55 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)]

EllieKMAS posted 1/20/2020 10:08 AM

One of the things I like about it is it will list a few examples for something, and then have space for the WH to create his OWN ways to help (eg it has a few "empathy statements" for a specific fact scenario, then says "think of three more empathy statements" for the situation). So it seems to be a combination of the check off the box type things (like how to help your spouse heal) AND exercises for a WH to start figuring shit out themselves.
gmc, while part of me is glad that there are books like this out there.... Does anyone else have an issue with the fact that WS's have to "learn" how to be decent fucking humans?? I mean... really? Part of it just strikes me as insane, like having a book about learning how to blow your nose...

I guess what Iím asking for is some perspective from the womenz, you know my story, you know my situation, what the fuck was he even thinking when he done this & why the hell cant I get my head around it.
My dreams are now filled with him & happy ever afters...WTF!!
BBE - so good to see you again! Ummmm yeah. FTG. I think it is to be expected that the trauma bonded part of your brain would start wanting him again, but please pay attention to the rest of your brain. That tiger won't ever change his stripes and you KNOW that. I can't remember - do you have a protection order? If so, I would report this very clear violation to the police.

Happy Monday girlies! Hope you are all doing ok!

cocoplus5nuts posted 1/20/2020 11:35 AM

BH, I think that's normal. You are pissed. You have every right to be. Ypu need to focus on healing yourself. You don't need to concern yourself with your M at this point. That's all on your CH. Without being abusive, he deserves all the rage you throw at him. JMHO

It is a dynamic, in my opinion, that is triggery AF for BW's. I know it is for me. The killer is, this isn't even a real issue with most BH's. Honestly, only a few have had this issue since I have been here. Ten fucking years. Yet, it continually gets brought up for I don't know what reasons. (it wasn't an issue "back in the day" here, that I recall)

This whole thing ^^^^. It is very triggery. And, I agree that it seems to be a relatively new phenomenon. I don't remember things being this way when I joined in 2014, ot for the year or 2 that I posted back then. I took a break for about a year and came back to this shit.

SMS, he won't be blackballed. I was under the impression he was going to retire at 20, anyway. If he stayed in, it would probably affect his promotions and such, except...he told me after making Lt. Col. that he wouldn't get promoted again. He's too old. Doesn't have enough time before forced retirement for age. He just won't get to say that he had a command. But, he was offered one, which means the Marine Corps thinks he's worthy.

He wouldn't even have to retire at 20. That's what he said at first. Later, it came out that he would have to put in his retirement so he wouldn't have to move again. So, yeah, still kind of half truthing, glossing over things, omitting info, for his own benefit.

TX, I'm not keeping him from going. At no time did I say I didn't want him to go or he couldn't go. I said I wasn't going. Him going to cali for work while we stay on the east coast isn't any different than him getting deployed. Shoot! He could have gotten an unaccompanied assignment overseas. That would mean he would have to go, but I couldn't even if I wanted to. Ok, that's not entirely true, I guess. I could go, but the military wouldn't pay for any of it. They wouldn't provide us with family housing or anything. How is me saying I won't go to cali for a temporary move so much different? Because I, the lowly military wife, is saying it rather than the Marine Corps?

As an aside, it might be a good idea to cut out the alcohol. I drank way too much for a long time after dday1. I was getting nowhere. I eventually quit completely. I am much better. My H doesn't drink alcohol.

gmc, Thanks for the positive energy and strength. I need it!

cocoplus5nuts posted 1/20/2020 11:36 AM

Forgot to say that I could very possibly know one of the people posting on my thread. 😬

cocoplus5nuts posted 1/20/2020 12:33 PM

Does anyone else have an issue with the fact that WS's have to "learn" how to be decent fucking humans?? I mean... really? Part of it just strikes me as insane, like having a book about learning how to blow your nose...

Yep. And, why are we the ones expected to help them learn that?

I was talking to my H about that yesterday and today. (Yes, I talked to him again. I haven't changed my mind.) How difficult is it to look at yourself and say, "I did some fucked up shit. I need to change, be a better person, be a decent person." Just fuck8ng do the right thing and try not to hurt anyone. It's not rocket science, for fuck's sake!

He is fucked up. He needs to figure that shit out. I can't help him. I've been his lesson for too long. That's not my job or my purpose. I have my own life to live.

gmc94 posted 1/20/2020 14:10 PM

Yes, Ellie & Coco - it's completely fucked up that a grown ass man needs to be trained on being decent human being.
It's equally effed up that we are somehow supposed to help them learn that.

When I met/married my WH, I thought I was already marrying a damn grown up (he's 7yrs older than me). Never in a million years thought it would turn out that I was the one in this partnership that was mature and decent.

cocoplus5nuts posted 1/20/2020 21:06 PM

Yep, gmc. I often wonder how I ended up the healthy, mature adult in my M.

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