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Being directed to SI by BS

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BraveSirRobin posted 8/29/2019 07:02 AM

A post by a BS sparked this question for me. How did you find SI? Did your BS send you here, did you find it on your own, or was there a third scenario (someone else told you about it, etc)? Do you think that how you found it is relevant to how successful it has been for you? In other words, does a wayward finding it on their own correlate to higher incidence of "getting it," because it shows that their mind was already open to learning what SI has to offer? Or was being nudged/shoved in here the best thing that ever happened to you?

I'm taking the stop sign off so that we can also hear from BS whose WS came here and are not currently active. Did you send them here? Did it help?

LifeDestroyer posted 8/29/2019 07:06 AM

My BS (that's the first time I've ever referred to him as that) sent me here. I had no idea a forum like this existed, nor did I ever think I would be here. I think it has helped me. I've had some great people on my thread and messages who have given great advice and who have helped explain a lot of things.

ISurvivedSoFar posted 8/29/2019 07:28 AM

My WS followed me here; I found it first.

ff4152 posted 8/29/2019 07:42 AM

Prior to the ending of my A, my conscience started really nagging at me. I began reading stories online about infidelity when I happened across an article on “Ask Amy”. In it, a married woman describes how she went on a girls only vacation, had sex with a guy and became pregnant as a result. Apparently she couldn’t hide it from her husband because they are both white and the AP is black. I remember feeling absolutely horrified for the BH. As I began reading more about infidelity, I stumbled across SI.

I ended my A approximately 10 days later.

Zugzwang posted 8/29/2019 07:44 AM

BS sent me here. A condition of staying in the house. I was so lost that my first post was a letter to the AP. We amended some stuff on it and she wrote her own and we sent them as NC letters eventually. My APs wouldn't leave me alone and had spread lies that nothing happened and my wife was a jealous shrew. It was very important to getting it, because I needed hard truths and to have my feet held to the fire. It also gave my wife a sounding board so the gaslighting wasn't so easy to get away with anymore. I have found that most WS that get angry don't like having the wool taken away from their BS eyes (we want it to be no big deal), held accountable, or given consequences. I was no different. This place was the best thing for us. I am happier and we made a new marriage that is better even with the scars. I can't imagine anyone healing well without this place. There needs to be places that resolve the myths about infidelity.

Luna10 posted 8/29/2019 07:59 AM

WH doesn’t post but reads here occasionally. It didn’t help in the immediate aftermath as he believed that his affair was oh so different than all the other ones. So everything he read here was useless (plus the How to help your spouse heal) because as I said his affair was special and different.

After dday 2 (maintained contact) it really hit home that there was nothing different nor special. All he read was suddenly everything he could relate to. Including why he maintained contact (KISA) and understanding how much damage he did in doing so.

Some people though cannot be helped regardless if they found SI on their own or sent by their spouse. Both Bs and WS.

I do believe it is a great place to merge the BS/WH world. I found it helped me tremendously to read WS posts and relate them to what my WH was discussing in IC which would point to positive work being done. I know WS who are remorseful are helped by reading JFO and R trying to understand what the BS goes through.

hikingout posted 8/29/2019 08:34 AM

I found it on my own, and showed up here lost and as clueless as they come. My first post was the typical "he's ended it and I can't bear it" type post. And the greeter was Zug with his true words that I didn't want to hear. My post had no concern or mention of my husband whatsoever. I started counseling the following week, and I confessed two months later. I don't remember, I may have posted again after that, but I didn't stay. I started again a few months later but with an entirely different mindset.

BS was here early into my posts, but I didn't know. I mean, I knew he could see what I do, so I wasn't hiding it, and I had talked about the support group, I just didn't think he was interested as he was pretty hands off about my counseling for a long time as well. It wasn't he didn't want to hear what I was discovering or realizing, it was more he wasn't asking for play by plays that much. It was a happy surprise that he was here, it means he saw the process, good and bad, that led to progress.

Want2BHappyAgain posted 8/29/2019 08:46 AM

he believed that his affair was oh so different than all the other ones

My H thought the same thing .

I directed my H here... and after I caught him in a lie... I demanded that he post his story in this Forum. I had been watching the veteran WS’s on here helping the new WS’s... and I felt my H could benefit from their wisdom. He posted his story... and was given a lot of great advice. Some even reached out to him in PM’s . We have both known each other’s username and have read each other’s posts.

He posted a few more times... but he isn’t comfortable with posting publicly on social media... so he hasn’t been on in a while.

landclark posted 8/29/2019 08:48 AM

My WS came here because of me. He doesn’t post, though I kind of wish he would. He’s been great since finding out, truly, but I would like to know more about what’s going through his mind daily. I guess I need to have that convo with him.

Darkness Falls posted 8/29/2019 08:52 AM

Found it myself. He hates the idea of internet support groups—wouldn’t ever let anybody know his private business—and hates me being on SI especially because he thinks it keeps me “living in the past” and “focusing on the negative.”

No, I would not say it helped me “get it” but it does help to talk to and read about others in similar situations.

oldtruck posted 8/29/2019 09:51 AM

I will add this:

Do not tell the WS that you are here before D day.

Once you had gotten your proof. Guidance to
protect yourself legally. Learnt how to do a full
expoure. Then did the full exposure and confronted
WS.

Now you are ready to let your WS know about SI and
that a condition of recovery is for them to post
here.

However if the WS refuses to recover, refuses to
stop dating the AP, and or moves out then do not
tell your WS. You do not want to tip your hand
as you go through the divorce process.

gmc94 posted 8/29/2019 10:46 AM

I found SI a month or so after dday. I told my CH about it. I have got quite a lot from SI.

I encouraged him to read and post but don't think he did much at all for the 1st 6 months or so - until he decided to hang himself (he was dead, but EMT revived him).

After suicide attempt, a condition for me to stay in the M that he post here at least weekly (OR attend a weekly support group for men/CS or even suicide) . His 1st post was more than a month after he made that agreement (red flag). He had a month or two of posting about every week or so. Ultimately, he started 4 threads and made 17 posts in 6 months. Then he just stopped altogether. A few weeks later I asked him to move out.

Another WH on SI who used to post quite a bit even reached out and tried to communicate via email. I'm pretty sure WH just decided to drop the ball on that support too.

He still comes here and reads, tho it's hard to tell how often bc I guess he decided to read w/o logging in (bc hiding the simple fact you logged on an anonymous forum - that you agreed to post in weekly - is a great way to show your BS you are actively pursuing your own recovery) . He never initiates talk about anything he reads here. A few times he's mentioned something he read here as part of a larger conversation (eg last week we did have a discussion about a BS who posted about her CS' suicide attempt - BUT I brought it up and THEN he read about it).

I do not think he "gets it" or "owns it" or has taken any of the action BSs (and CSs for that matter) need to heal. If he gets anything out of reading on SI it would be news to me. But I don't really think that's bc of anything SI is or is not. I think my CH cannot bear to have anyone challenge him on his (still pretty much all wayward) thinking... posting here would mean being vulnerable - something he simply will not tolerate (even with strangers) .

[This message edited by gmc94 at 10:49 AM, August 29th, 2019 (Thursday)]

godheals posted 8/29/2019 11:07 AM

I found this site myself. H don’t know I am on this site. One day I was thinking about there has to be a website with infidelity support so I started to research it. I found a few other sites that had helpful tips but not what I was looking for exactly. After a while I found SI and did a lot of reading before joining. Didn’t think I would be here long term. Thought I would post a few times and after a few weeks or so I would get what I need and not return. It’s been a very long few weeks....

It’s funny because I was reading earlier this morning on here and thought about starting a thread just like this! I was wondering how others found this site. Looks like someone beat me to it.

foreverlabeled posted 8/29/2019 12:03 PM

I found this site on my own on dday actually, I typed into Google "I cheated how do I help my husband" and SI was at the very top. It certainly helped me with getting it.

But, I don't think how we find it is relevant to getting it, some WS find SI on their own and all they can talk about is how much they miss the AP and the like. Sometimes for them getting it takes longer than those who their BSs insist or encourage that they post. That kinda leads me to believe there's not really a correlation there.


thatwilldo posted 8/29/2019 12:22 PM

My BS found SI and told me about it. We both read here, but I'm the one who is a member. I've gotten more from SI than any other source. It's been important for me to read on the Wayward forum and in General and Just Found Out. My BS and I discuss every day different people's situations and I keep learning. It's been invaluable for me. Thank you to everyone who has helped me.

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 8/29/2019 13:42 PM

Do you think that how you found it is relevant to how successful it has been for you?

I was one of those WW’s that required my hand to be held throughout this process. It wasn’t for lack of desire, but more due to the inability to chart a pathway. I was floundering.

The idea that a forum like this existed would never have occurred to me. HT has done a quick google and SI popped up at the top. He had done some research and was intrigued. We had already made the commitment to R so he felt that SI could help guide us. I spent hours reading the Healing Library and FAQ’s and articles. We agreed to join together.

I think what is relevant to success is the willingness to do the work. I think that what SI provides is something like a map to that destination, be it R or D.

I feel fairly certain that without SI, HT and would not be married today. He may have found it first, but I owe so much to this community. I am definitely a better person for becoming a member here. I never would have thought that typing my first post would lead me on a path to making lifelong friends and moderating.

So I guess for me, being nudged/shoved here was the best thing that ever happened to me.

gmc94 posted 8/29/2019 14:01 PM

I think what is relevant to success is the willingness to do the work. I think that what SI provides is something like a map to that destination, be it R or D.
Thanks WOES.

JBWD posted 8/29/2019 15:35 PM

Googled it at the start of trial separation 5 months post D-Day. Wish I’d found it immediately post D-Day: The perspective of folks on the other side of remorse was critical in learning how far I was from making progress as an intact human.

Hard to shake off that regret from time to time.

[This message edited by JBWD at 3:36 PM, August 29th (Thursday)]

Followtheriver posted 8/29/2019 16:08 PM

I was directed here by my BH and it was the best thing for me and for us. I don't know if I would have found it on my own, just because I am not a big online person. SI was the first forum that I ever joined and the only one that I have participated in.

Finding "Joseph's Letter" in the healing library had a huge impact on me and getting it. Also, like WalkingOnEggShelz, I truly believe that SI saved my M.

Barregirl posted 8/29/2019 16:28 PM

I found SI the morning after DDay. It has been tremendously helpful to me in making my way through R. My BH has read a few things and attempted to post once, but didn't like the vibe he got as a BH in R. So he stopped posting and I don't think he reads much anymore either. I do bring things up with him that I read here though.

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