Newest Member: lusciouslou

LifeDestroyer

Maybe today can be a good day, and if today can be a good day, then maybe tomorrow can be too. We might be broken and imperfect, but we still have worth and value. As hard as it is to feel pain, it's much harder to feel nothing.

I hate Saturdays

It's my one full day of being completely alone, and I absolutely hate it. I try to spend the majority of the day away from home. I walk around the usual stores, try not to spend too much money. I also try to go for a run that day when my knee is feeling good. However, while I'm trying to keep myself busy, that's when I find myself falling into the slump and shame spiral. I get so envious of the couples and families I see walking around. It's never good. I then go home and just stare at the clock waiting for it to be 7:30 so I can't talk to our daughter.

It doesn't matter if I'm alone or with a friend. This past Saturday I took a class with a friend, and all of the feelings were still there. She and I went to lunch afterwards and to some stores, but I still watched all of the couples and families with a heavy feeling of sadness. A cashier at a store noticed I was down. She asked with that certain tone "are you doing ok today?" I could feel the tears start to come. I told her it was really hot out.

It's always there.

9 comments posted: Monday, June 14th, 2021

Before You Go

I fell by the wayside, like everyone else

I hate you, I hate you, I hate you

But I was just kidding myself

Our every moment, I start to replace

'Cause now that they're gone

All I hear are the words that I needed to say

When you hurt under the surface

Like troubled water running cold

Well, time can heal but this won't

So, before you go

Was there something I could've said

To make your heart beat better?

If only I'd have known you had a storm to weather

So, before you go

Was there something I could've said

To make it all stop hurting?

It kills me how your mind can make you feel so worthless

So, before you go

Was never the right time, whenever you called

Went little, by little, by little until there was nothing at all

Our every moment, I start to replay

But all I can think about is seeing that look on your face

When you hurt under the surface

Like troubled water running cold

Well, time can heal but this won't

[Chorus]

Would we be better off by now

If I'd let my walls come down?

Maybe I guess we'll never know

You know, you know

Before you go

Was there something I could've said

To make your heart beat better?

If only I'd have known you had a storm to weather

So, before you go

Was there something I could've said

To make it all stop hurting?

It kills me how your mind can make you feel so worthless

So, before you go

I hope Lewis Capaldi's song will help relationships. Whether it helps them grow stronger and survive or it helps them realize the relationship needs to end.

People need to talk. Spouses need to talk. Partners need to talk. You never know how someone is truly feeling unless you talk and they open up.

That's what I would tell all new couples and newlyweds.

Just talk to each other.

2 comments posted: Wednesday, January 27th, 2021

Challenging Myself

This first part is an absolute brag because I am damn proud of myself.

This past Saturday I ran in my second 5k. I beat my last time by 1:88! This race had 376 more runners. I placed 5th out of 44 women in my age group, 59th out 386 women overall, and 137th out of 630 runners!! I couldn't believe it. As soon as I finished and saw my time, I texted N because he has started running too. He did a 5k around halloween and placed 1st for his age group! I yelled out to my dad that I beat my time. He was there with my daughter. As she saw me run up to the finish line, she started running on the side. She ran around the gate and screamed with excitement for me. She wants to do that run next year.... we'll start with the 1 mile fun run/walk. It was a great feeling to know that I beat my time and in the cold weather. It was 33°, my toes were numb 🥶🥶

I just signed up for a 4 seasons challenge where if you run these 4 certain races, then all of the medals connect to each other to form one big medal. Three of them will be 5ks and one will be a quarter marathon 😬😬 I have some time for that one to build up my stamina.

Never did I think that I would actually really enjoy running when I started this summer. I can only run on days when I do have her or if my dad is watching her. On the days when I can't, I actually miss running. That's strange to say, but true. I didn't push myself to do the half marathon earlier this month like I wanted to. That kind of bummed me out because I really let my dad's words get into my head. He said I couldn't do it and that it would be too hard. I did train for it because I thought he was probably right. I definitely would have walked a bunch of it, but I also think I would have really pushed myself to run most of it. I may have not been able to move afterwards, but I would have gotten it done.

That will be my running goal for 2021, to run a half marathon.

7 comments posted: Thursday, December 17th, 2020

Anxiety

Can you feel it coming on?

For me it's kind of like a tightening around my heart. I then get this sense of fear, and I know that I will soon have a mini breakdown and cry my eyes out. I'm having one right now.

I can pinpoint what causes it, but to avoid those things would mean that I could only watch sports channels or the news while avoiding all commercials. Seeing anything that reminds me of things that I have lost, causes it. Scrolling through Instagram and seeing sweet husband/wife reels or family reels does it. Watching tv where a couple is together or there's a two parent family or any hint of infidelity, causes it.

I know, "get your shit together and that will help." That's a hell of a lot easier said than done. On top of the daily anxiety feeling, I'm also just lying to myself. For part of the day, I will feel ok, like everything is going to be ok. I'm going to be happy again because I deserve that. My daughter will grow up a happy child because her parents are both happy in their lives. Then POOF it's all gone. I sit there realizing that I have just been lying to myself. I'm not ok. I truly don't think I will ever be happy again. A part of me does not think I deserve that. I worry all the time that our daughter will not be happy because of the choices we made. Then the anxiety sits on top of that, and it makes for a lovely time in my head and chest.

Now I'll do my usual of faking it all so that I can spend a few minutes with my daughter before getting ready for school and hope that the breakdown happens before I get there.

6 comments posted: Tuesday, October 27th, 2020

Accomplishment

A couple of weeks ago, I found a 5K run. I contemplated signing up, then finally I did.

I did it this morning!! I ran my first 5k marathon in 30.27 minutes. I am so damn proud of myself! I finished 13th out of 150 women, 2nd out of 21 women in my age group, 57th out 240 racers!!!!!!! I didn't think I would place, so I left before the race officially ended and missed my award. I called them to see what happens, and they said I can come by tomorrow to get it. I plan on wearing my medal all day tomorrow at school. My students said they wanted to see it. 😁😁

It felt amazing! I had a huge smile on my face when I started and huge smile when I crossed the finish line. I've been running that distance on the streets by my home, but they're hilly so it usually takes me almost 40 minutes to run them. I really wanted to run today's race in 30 minutes. Once I came around the last corner,saw the finish line and the time I was at, I started running faster. My dad was at the finish line recording my accomplishment. I've already started looking up future races because I definitely want to run more of them.

[This message edited by LifeDestroyer at 11:18 AM, October 11th (Sunday)]

18 comments posted: Sunday, October 11th, 2020

We are divorced

He texted me Friday night to let me know the company we used emailed him to say that our divorce was granted. Oklahoma is very fast if both parties agree on everything.

I texted him back saying how I held out this small bit of hope that I would never receive that text even though I caused it.

I broke down crying when he sent the text. Our daughter was with him, so she didn't have to hear or see me. I woke up Saturday and just laid in bed. I couldn't move. I eventually got up and then sat on the kitchen floor crying.

Sunday morning when he dropped our daughter off, I asked her to go inside for a minute so I could speak to him. Once she was out of sight, I hugged him and cried. He put his hand on my back and stayed silent. We then made some small talk. I thought he was about to turn around to leave, but instead he hugged me. We both stood there crying.

The reality of being divorced, having to call him my ex, comes and goes. I'll have moments when I'm fine and then BAM. Everything stops. My heart pounds. My stomach feels empty. I can't move. The complete and utter sadness just washes over me.

Sometimes, this still doesn't feel like real life.

17 comments posted: Monday, September 28th, 2020

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