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Daughter had a DDay

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Marie2792 posted 6/17/2019 01:38 AM

I donít know if this is the right forum despite being here for nearly 5 years. My mind is not right at the moment so kids please feel free to move it.

Our 25 year old DD lives with us as does her boyfriend/fiancťe of five years. Heís lived with for two years. She has a government job and works nights and he works days. Over the last three weeks Iíve noticed some odd changes in him but said nothing. Friday night it looked like he came home with someoneís lipstick stain on his lips. Long story short , three other things happened this weekend to arouse suspicion high enough to believe heís beem cheating. I sat down with her and had a conversation with her and she is also convinced. Well he came home around 7 and left at 10...gave her back the house key and took overnight clothes to stay at the same friends house he stayed last night.

Watching her go through this is hell all over again. Grateful to have my husband and son and younger daughters to help me help her through. My heart hurts for her and also for myself as he was like my own child. She cried herself to sleep in my bed and keeps shivering and whimpering in her sleep. He knew she had trust issues because of her dad and yet he shit on her anyway.

[This message edited by Marie2792 at 1:39 AM, June 17th (Monday)]

bookworm19 posted 6/17/2019 02:39 AM

I'm so sorry, it's extra hard to see your children go through the same shit you had to, I imagine, you would do anything to spare her.
Big hugs to both of you...

The1stWife posted 6/17/2019 03:37 AM

Sheís lucky to have a good support system.

Maybe encourage some counseling for her.

MalibuBayBreeze posted 6/17/2019 05:20 AM

I'm so sorry to hear this. As a mom you absorb the pain your child is experiencing. As a BS it is likely bringing up feelings of your own betrayal.

You opened your home and your heart to this young man and this is how he repays you. I hope the next move is to shut the door to your generosity closed. He has taken advantage of not only his relationship with your DD but with your kindness.

Give him the boot.

You know the drill. You know what she will need, what she will be going through. If there is any silver lining to this it is that she found out before marriage. Before kids. She dodged a bullet though her heart is broken.

All you can do aside from telling him to leave your home is to be there for your DD and I know you will be and already are.

Hugs to you both. No mother wants to see their child in emotional pain. I'm so sorry about this. Strength to you both.

MalibuBayBreeze posted 6/17/2019 05:21 AM

Sorry. Duplicate post.

[This message edited by MalibuBayBreeze at 5:22 AM, June 17th (Monday)]

Want2BHappyAgain posted 6/17/2019 05:27 AM

Oh Marie2792...I am so sorry to see this for your daughter (((HUGS))). I was 24 when I caught my XWH with the 2nd adultery co-conspirator...and I remember very distinctly how much I HATED men after that. I know cheating happens at any age...but having to experience it so young surely messes with your head .

Having an AWESOME Mom like YOU will help her a lot . Having a Dad who cheated and repented will give her a little insight also...and he can be a HUGE help to her self worth by letting her know this STUPID act her boyfriend/fiancee did had nothing to do with HER.

The pain of seeing your child in pain is the worst isn't it ? But thankfully it WILL pass. One day she will find someone who is truly worthy of her . It MIGHT be her boyfriend/fiancee...if he is remorseful. But at least she knows now what he is capable of doing. Knowledge is POWER my Dear Friend...and your precious daughter WILL survive this awful chapter in her life. Her story is FAR from over...and she will be very much at PEACE again soon . I will dedicate my prayers to her today...(((HUGS AGAIN))).

Marie2792 posted 6/17/2019 05:29 AM

Itís been a rough night here for sure. It didnít trigger as much as I thought it would except when my son rushed in to get me because his sister was on the floor curled up in a ball barely breathing. Thatís how my DD found me on dday five years ago. As for the boyfriend, he left moments before that without a word and thatís what caused the breakdown. I have since spoken to him and he of course insists he wasnít cheating. The evidence states otherwise. He told her he needed space and I said thatís code for ďI want to try someone else outĒ. Coupled with the lipstick stain Friday night and some other clues, this mama isnít buying it. The very sad thing is his dad cheated on his mom years ago when she had breast cancer. Neither of his parents live in my state anymore. We treated him like our 4th child and he was a deeply integrated party of this family. We are all feeling the betrayal while trying to hold DD up. He knows itís done and he cannot come back. I have to pack his things so he can pick them up when she isnít home. She worked evenings so that shouldnít be so hard but man is that going to destroy her.

Thanks for your support. Itís a difficult day for us here.

Lalagirl posted 6/17/2019 05:51 AM

((((Marie)))) and ((((DD)))))

J707 posted 6/17/2019 08:16 AM

I'm so sorry. As a parent your kids pain goes straight to you as well. Unfortunately you know the drill. She will have an awesome support system in you to help guide her. I remember when my DS told me atleast he knows what to look for in his future relationships, referring to his moms cheating, my heart sank. Once again I'm sorry for you all.

cocoplus5nuts posted 6/17/2019 08:21 AM

I'm so sorry. I went through this with my married son. His wife cheated and got pregnant by the OM. Then, she left my son. It broke my heart. She was like a daughter to me. She had us all fooled. I was also outraged that she could do that to my son after witnessing the devastation it has caused me.

All you can do is love and support her. She will get through this.

Marie2792 posted 6/17/2019 09:14 AM

Iím so thankful for the support we all show each other here. My niece came over this morning and is helping her pack his things because he took nothing with him. Iím really worried about her because she appears normal and that as we knownis not good. Want2B, she doesnít want tonhave children until sheís around 30 because she just started a government job in December and wants her career to build a little bit.

sisoon posted 6/17/2019 09:43 AM

I'm so sorry - it's a different kind of hell watching one's child go through difficult times.

Remember: as awful as she feels now, she can recover - and you know more than a bit about this, so she has a resource, if she chooses to ask for help.

Why pack up his things? Why not let him do the packing, even if it requires multiple trips? Or do you mean dump his stuff into trash bags?

Again, I'm so sorry. My sympathies to you and your daughter.

crazyblindsided posted 6/17/2019 10:55 AM

(((Marie2792))) (((Daughter)))

Marie2792 posted 6/18/2019 03:52 AM

He came by yesterday when my daughters were out (arranged by me thatbway to avoid additional stress on my dad). I spoke to him for an hour and am convinced he has been with someone else. He was distant and cold and not making sense in anythjngbwe talked about. Squirming like a little worm and couldnít leave fast enough. He has things in my garage still but took everything we packed.

As for the packing, my other children were all for packing it in hefty bags and leaving it on the lawn. However....there is no way that I could do that. Heís a misguided young man and he has nowhere to go really. I wouldnít destroy his clothes and shoes, too expensive to replace. It was a second devastation when she returned home and found that he had actually come tingetvhis stuff and left. Of course the hasnít admitted anything and said he would never do that to her, let alone while he lived in our home.

He has lived with us since we moved into this house. They were planning marriage. She is scared of life without him and wonít sleep alone in the room they have shared. My youngest DD has been sleeping with her and yesterday she went out to buy new bed linens and pillows to freshen it up.

She has a therapy appointment tomorrow but Iím still skmhesrtbroken for her. Thanks for your kindness friends.

Lalagirl posted 6/18/2019 05:56 AM

As for the packing, my other children were all for packing it in hefty bags and leaving it on the lawn. However....there is no way that I could do that.
You are a far better woman than me.

Of course the hasnít admitted anything and said he would never do that to her, let alone while he lived in our home.

Wonder if he'd submit to a polygraph to prove those words?

He sure was quick to bolt considering his "innocence"

How is your DD this morning? And how are you? Jeez, Marie; this must be super triggering for you. (((HUGS)))

MalibuBayBreeze posted 6/18/2019 08:05 AM

If he was innocent his answers would have been said with conviction rather than a wish washy, stumbling load of crap.

I know your daughter is in pain but better she know who he is now rather than after a marriage and kids. She'll look back someday and realize that.

As for her room maybe redecorate it. Change paint color, lighting, window treatments. Rearrange the furniture. Changing it up may help her mindset a bit. I'm sorry she is so traumatized but she has you and that's everything. ((((Hugs))))

psychmom posted 6/18/2019 08:41 AM

As a mom of 2 DD, I am feeling this very close, Marie, and wish to reach out with a hug for you and one for your daughter. ((((MARIE2792))) ((((DD))))

You are in a good position to help her, but I know the pain and fear that comes from seeing one of our kids dealing with a trauma of this size.

She dodged a bullet with this one; he sounds immature and not a good candidate for a LTR. But it will take time and support from you for her to finally see that. A good man wouldn't be acting as shifty as he is, and she deserves a good man. She needs to feel her worth and find her strength. She is very fortunate to have you with her through this.

Chaos posted 6/18/2019 08:54 AM

Hugs to her.

I like the redecorating idea. Fresh new look.

I'd also change the door locks [85% for symbolism and 15% because you never know]

MamaDragon posted 6/18/2019 09:46 AM

Maybe your other daughter would switch rooms with her?

The redecorating idea is great though -

NorCalLost posted 6/18/2019 13:54 PM

((((Marie)))) Please give your sweet daughter a hug from this SI stranger today. I'm so sorry for the betrayal inflicted on your child and all of you.

For some reason, this situation reminds me of how hypocritical my cheating ex is. His niece's partner cheated on her with one of her friends. My ex was outraged, and said that if he ever saw the cheating boyfriend, he would punch him. The cheater basically disappeared, got off of social media and no one sees him anymore.

When my husband left me, and I found out the scope of his betrayals, I asked him what the difference was in what he did to me and others, and what his niece's man had done to her, how he could be so angry at the person who betrayed his niece but have no remorse for his own betrayals of me and others before me.

He said, "That's different. They have two little kids. She's a young single mom now." I'm still not sure what her parental status and age have to do with it.

I'm so thankful that your daughter is under your roof at this awful time, and that she has you and her sisters helping her through with love and support.

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