SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I thought I would start a new thread specifically aimed at those of us who are on our own moving forward. Also, I tgought this might be good for those new BSs who have no idea what laycatvthe other end. What prompted me was both my own journey and a series of conversations with a close friend. I'll elaborate.

My friend, who is a FWH and older than me, struggles with loneliness as he is in his mid to late 60s. He is proof that one can do better, though he still has the core character traits that led him to his wayward behaviour, he now hascthe maturity to check those... conflict avoidance, etc. He looks back on the opportunities to have relationships that he turned away from and sees his pattern of behaviour. What he does not see is that his past behaviour will most likely be his future bahaviour as it is driven by fear of commitment. It's like he is at war with himself.

He often asks me about where I'm at in terms of relationships and loneliness. This has gotten me thinking. After my decision to D and my S, I was desperate to recreate the thing I had lost, an intimate and caring connection with a woman. Granted, my EXWW wasn't caring, but you get it. I went through two failed relationships in the years that followed and grieved the first but was fine with the second ending. I guess that says something about me.

In the last, almost 7 years, I've been single significantly more than I've been attached, and TBH, I'm good with it. I mean, yeah, on occasion I feel pangs of loneliness, but for the most part, I'm pretty content. I've come to accept that I'll most likely be alone for the rest of my life, but that's more by choice and disposition than anything else. I'm an introvert and post infidelity, even more guarded and cautious. I love my alone time and find contentment in my passion project. When I retire, I'll get a dog.

My friend cannot understand my feelings, but wished heccould share them. We joke that when we board a ferry, I look for a quiet corner to be left alone in, while he searches the boat for someone he knows.

So here's my question: where are you at post S/D? Are you content? Do you struggle? If so, how do you deal with it? What does your future hold?

I have been thriving in my life post D.The most difficult part for me was not seeing my kids 100% of the time, but now they are both adults and that is a part of life and I have finally adjusted. I do have a partner, we do not live together as he lives about 4-1/2 hours away and he is on the road most days for his job so we see each other on the weekends and spend vacations and other time we manage to fit in. I am good with this. I seem to enjoy solitude and am an introvert myself. My kids still come and stay with me when they aren't staying at their dad's (they are not able to afford living on their own yet). I also see friends sporadically. Life is so busy it's hard for me to get lonely.

For the most part I really enjoy being divorced surprisingly the peace of mind and being able to connect with myself has been intoxicating. I had no idea I would love it this much. I guess feeling like a prisoner in your own M for 19 years will do that to you. That's what I feel like I got out of prison and am now free.

There has been no chaos and no big ups and downs which were a constant in my M. Trying to focus on getting my health back on track has been a priority for me lately and it feels good.

I also adopted a new cat (now I have 2) and they bring me lots of joy and comfort.

I moved into my own place around 5 years ago. I'm not really alone, as my youngest is with me. He's a night owl, so he's up when I'm sleeping most of the time. I don't consider him a companion, but I'm not totally alone.

I'm also an introvert, and work from home, so I have to force myself to go out sometimes. I have made so many new friends and have had so many experiences that my weekends can fill really fast. Also, we live in wine country, so I have about 30-35 wineries I could visit that are 30-45 minutes away. Lots of nice people there.

It's so nice to be able to do what I want without trying to keep XWH happy. He so often was a grouch or couldn't/wouldn't go, or would have a pout if I went without him. CBS & I are similar in that our XWHs are diagnosed NPD, so I totally get the feeling of freedom she discusses.

I am content. I do worry a little about retirement, which is getting closer and closer. But, I'm adding to my health savings account (HSA) and am focusing more on my health.

I'm relatively happy. I definitely have peace, finally. I just finished one of my degrees. Going for another in a year and then I think i'll be done. I'm taking a break and getting ready for a move, possibly. Honestly, I don't miss being in a relationship. I miss my dog, though. That was probably the healthiest relationship I've ever had. We were both loyal to each other. He protected me and I took great care of him and we both adored each other. Menopause hit, so the sex drive tanked and I couldnt be happier. LOL. Hope that's not too much TMI!
Now, i just want to get a job and save up and travel. I need some new clothes, and with the free time I have, I want to get back in shape before I start school again.
When I get settled in my new place, I'll finally get another dog.

It’s been a few years for me now. The first year was hard, but I slept so well. the peace and lack of "eggshell walking" was amazing. It’s like my system had no idea how to relax.

Since then I got a master’s degree, bought a house, upgraded my job twice, built/re-established amazing friendships, adopted 2 cats, became a master at fixing things through YouTube, embraced my plant-lady status and discovered that I like me. I like spending time with me.
Do I wish I had a partner? Yes. Do I ever want to live with someone again….hard to imagine since I love my space and time now.

I also go to therapy (monthly) as the infidelity and its aftermath bubbled all my previous issues and traumas to the surface. I’ve worked hard to process those and put them in the past — and I am all the better for it.

My future? Who knows. But I know I can be happy alone, or I can be happy in a relationship. I am doing great. And I am happy.

I think one of the best things about being on my own in my own space is the freedom from. I'm free from having to justify my activities. I'm free from having to plan around someone else. Im free from the need to pick up the slack of someone elses inability to adult. I'm free from the need to bend and contort myself to fit someone else's life.

Right now, I've been sitting in bed with my coffee just enjoying a lazy morning. I might get up and start the day or I might fix another coffee and curl up with some reading. I have a few things that need to get done today, but I can choose to ignore them. No one is checking my list and being critical. Later, I may walk to the pub and have a pint and do some work there. And no one is going to ask me how many beers I've had.

Funny thing. Last night I had a lonely time. I think the trigger was a conversation I had with a female friend of mine. She's a single mother going through a 6 year divorce. Lovely human being and I often help her as life has been hard on her. If anyone deserves a helping hand, it's her. Anyway, she was talking about relationships and being alone. This must have wormed its way into my subconscious as I went to bed a little sad.

In the old days, I would have Wallowed in my sadness, having a poor me, life isn't fair pity party. Instead, I smiled and sat in my sadness searching for what it wanted to teach me. I knew the feeling was temporary and so I didn't allow it to define me. This morning, after an unsettled sleep, the feeling left me. Now I am experiencing the feeling of peace, contentment, and possibility. Maybe this is the healed they talk about.

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 6:24 PM, Saturday, March 22nd]

While I am currently in a relationship of 3+ years, I was very single for 2+ years. No dates, or anything that even resembled romantic or physical interest in someone.

I focused on myself—consistently cooking for myself, searched for a compatible church, spent more time w my parents and family, traveled solo and with friends a bit, worked out more, read more for pleasure vs. constant self help, set a goal and took private instruction for two things I enjoy—dance and playing pool.

Was I lonely at times? Yes. But I truly enjoyed my quiet time as well as staying busier if I wanted to. I too went thru a failed relationship after divorce and that is what convinced me to put myself in timeout. It was well worth it.

I find I’m in a significantly better space post S/D. I remember the day I found out about my exWS’s infidelity I thought to myself, "can I just please go back to not knowing? This is too painful. I want my former life back!" And now? I would never wish to return to that life. I’ve found myself in ways I couldn’t have imagined.

I remember feeling more lost, more lonely, more empty, confused and drained in that relationship than what I ever feel now. I did the hard work to learn about my traumas and process those emotions. I, too, have found myself more single now than before, with lots of dating mixed in. And like you, I also noticed I’m more guarded but as I’ve healed I’ve also learned to identify red flags better and set boundaries and remove myself from situations that may not serve me much better and much sooner. When I feel discouraged at dating, I remind myself that it’s a needle in a haystack and that a partner that fits best for me does exist.

I don’t feel lost anymore, the loneliness can come but it’s not strong and it’s very infrequent. Not even close to what it was before, in fact, I almost want to say it’s gone but very few moments I’ll miss having a partner.

Part of what broke me down when I was in that relationship was my own self abandonment. Now that I’ve worked to instead prioritize my own self and my healing, and have learned to hear myself more and do for myself more - I’m so much happier. Having a partner is the cherry on top but it’s not the main thing for me like it was before.

I feel like my future holds a lot more joy, a lot more fulfillment because I’m showing up in my life for myself. I also feel like my future holds a healthy partnership because I trust in myself to know what to lookout for and to know what healthy looks like. I feel very content. Learning is something im extremely passionate about, and this infidelity process has propelled me into a lifelong journey of learning to show up for myself better and better along the way. I have so many goals I still thrive to improve upon with myself.

If I find myself struggling, I usually journal it out, I’ll talk about it in therapy, I’ll do the hard work to process it and find the root, and I’ll try to implement different approaches with myself as I go along. I also talk to safe people and sometimes I’ll post here

I feel open and free and ready to continue my journey into more and more happiness and fulfillment