SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I've been dead inside for 9 years. Suicidal at times. At this point, I feel unfixable.

On the outside, I appear to have it all together. Financially well off, beautiful property, kids. People are envious of us.

But I despise my existence and nobody knows it.

I'm just going to post what happened to me here, anonymously, in the hopes that it resonates with somebody out there. Maybe it'll help me somewhat to write it out.

I'm a man, just turned 40. Married. 5 young kids.

My wife cheated on me 3 months before we got married. She didn't tell me until several months after we were married.

I was robbed of that information before committing to a marriage. I married someone I didn't know. I was duped into a life contract.

We were working in different countries up to that point, and I'd travel to visit her for a few weeks here and there. The plan was to marry in the summer, and then move to the country she was working in where I would also start working.

The last time I visited her prior to us getting married, I witnessed some flirtatious "chemistry" between her and a male co-worker which I felt uncomfortable with, but put it out of my mind because I was convinced "she's not the kind of person to do that".

Small town, country, Christian girl. Conservative. Wonderful, godly parents. Or so it seemed.

I returned to my country after that visit, we'd be discussing marriage plans the whole time, and within a week of me leaving, she was in bed with her co-worker.

I was literally out ring shopping and messaging her how much I loved her while she was doing this. There were a few brief moments of concern when she'd go silent for a few days, but I kept telling myself "she's not that kind of person" so brushed it off.

3 months apart, we both traveled to her parents home in America, and got married within weeks. I still didn't know about anything. We spent the summer with her parents and then traveled together, a newly married couple, to the country she was working in.

She went back to her job there as I applied for a job at her workplace. I was unsuccessful getting the job, which is a relief, as I would have been working with the guy.

We hung out socially with him and his friends while there. He would never make eye contact with me though. I found this incredibly strange at the time.

Then D-day.

One night we were doing a marriage course at home to "strengthen our new marriage", and the topic of "honesty" came up.

She said "While we're on the topic of honesty, I have to tell you something".

She trickle-truthed me.

"A guy kissed me after a few beers but I pushed him away."

Just the thought of that alone - an unwanted kiss - crushed me. How could she let that happen? I was a mess for days. Asking questions. Wondering if I'd made a mistake.

We even went to her pastor of the church and she told him the same story.

Eventually, I decided it might not be that bad. A guy tried to take advantage of her after drinks and she resisted. It was just a kiss.

But my suspicions grew.

She said it was a "guy who doesn't work here anymore".

My questions didn't stop. Things didn't add up. I kept prying.

Then the story evolved and she let more truth out. She went back to his house - drunk.

They started kissing on the couch - he tried to take her shirt off. She was so drunk that she ran to the bathroom and vomited. Then went home.

Now it was a consensual make-out session. She CHOSE to go back to his place.

My world was crumbling at this point. I was a distraught mess. We went back to her pastor and she told him she wasn't being honest. Told him the same thing.

I still believed it was a "guy who doesn't work here anymore" and only ended up being a make-out session. Didn't go any further because she was too drunk.

I felt some relief that it was the alcohol's fault, and he took advantage of her.

Another week went by - I kept analyzing the situation. Kept asking questions. Kept suspecting something wasn't right.

Then one night, we came back home after being out, she ran to the bathroom and lock herself in. Presumably psyching herself up to tell me.

She came out to the couch where I was sitting and said to me, "It was Troy". (the co-worker)

"What?"

"It was Troy."

"Did you take your clothes off?"

"Yes." (hysterical crying) "But I did not have sex with him!"

Then questions. Lots of questions about details.

The drunk make-out session was real. She did vomit and go home.

But the truth was she went back to his apartment a second time a week later. This time she was sober and with intentions of finishing what they started.

To this day, I don't know if I have all the details about what exactly they did (or even if there were more encounters).

She took her clothes off. Gave him oral sex. (which in many ways is harder for me to stomach)

She was adamant that actual sex never happened - swore by it - but the fact that she'd perform that act on this guy is something that gives me literal nightmares. I'm so embarrassed, shamed and dishonored by it, I can't share this with anyone.

I came so close to annulling the marriage. We'd only been married for a few months at that point, and I was married to a stranger now. The sweet, innocent Christian girl I married was dead, and our marriage felt filthy. Intimacy between us was dirty now - pornographic. No longer beautiful.

I've never had "loving sex" with her again after this revelation.

I had my bags packed a days after the full confession. Sat on the couch staring at them while she was at work. I could have gone anywhere at that moment and never seen her again. It was a fork-in-the-road moment for me, but for whatever reason, I chose the harder path of forgiveness and working through it.

For the 2 years that followed, including several attempts at marriage counseling, I was an utter shell of a human being. Felt like a combat veteran with severe PTSD. Woke up screaming at night. Lost all my friends over time (nobody knows about this but everyone saw a change in me).

The only two people who know are her parents (I made her confess to them). They just wanted to sweep it under the rug and not tell anyone - protect their daughter's reputation.

A year after D-day, her mother said to her, "Oh, is he still upset over that?" I've hated her ever since for being so insensitive.

So now, fast forward 9 years, we have a bunch of kids. We have, from the outside looking in, a perfect situation and family. We live in rolling green countryside, our kids are homeschooled, we are all together, every day. We don't talk about what she did.

But I'm just broken.

I drink to sleep properly.

I'm full of silent hatred and regret. I can't regret having our kids (my world), but I regret choosing a life of inner torment over peace. When she gets argumentative or emotional with me over other things, I have a flood of regret ("I gave you a 2nd chance that you didn't deserve. I could have left.")

I could have started again. Met a woman who loved me and was faithful from day one. I can't even look at our wedding photos or talk to people about "how we met". That whole period of my life and our marriage disgusts me. It's revolting.

My other biggest regret is that I never had the chance to confront this guy. I never spoke to him afterward. Never punched his lights out.

I forced my wife to resign from her job and we left the country in a hurry (one of my ultimatums was she resign and leave together, or I leave).

I fantasize about his death. About injuring him permanently. I want him to experience severe, life-altering suffering the way that I did. I've even explored flying back to that country to finally confront him for closure (he's still there, working in the same place after 9 years).

The reason why I couldn't physically touch him is that he's in a country with extremely strict laws. I would end up in prison for touching him and then he'd gain another victory over me by separating me from my kids as I sit in jail.

So I just have to wait - hope and pray that I cross paths with him in another part of the world. Otherwise, I may never get closure.

That's pretty much my story.

I don't know what to do at this point. I've tried marriage counseling and individual counseling. The problem is, most psychologists in this area are women and I've yet to find anyone trustworthy to talk to. I feel incredibly alone. There are no men's groups to confide in. I feel like I have PTSD. Someone mentions the word "cheating", and I'm spiraling into a depression for weeks.

Here I am sharing my story anonymously on a forum to strangers because that's my only outlet now.

How do I recover from this? Divorce is not an option. I need to get myself together and start being at peace again.

I know some people reading this might think it's not such a big deal to some of the other extreme affairs on this forum, but understand that it's damaged me severely. I've lost almost a decade of my life's happiness. I was never this way before. I just want to be my old self again.

I feel like I have PTSD.

That’s because you do have PTSD, shipmate. You are dealing with constant trauma. It is grinding you down.

Divorce is not an option. I need to get myself together and start being at peace again.

Divorce is in fact an option. It is always an option.

You’ve seen marriage and individual counselors, now you should see a lawyer. Not necessarily to head straight to a divorce, but instead to gain knowledge. To understand that you in fact have options, that you are in control. Knowledge is power, power is control. Stand at the precipice, look over the edge, and understand you have options.

Sorry you find yourself here, Tony. You’ve been heard, by people who have walked the same path.

Sending strength!

I’m so sorry friend. If it is any consolation, you are in the company of a multitude who understand your suffering.

Why is divorce not an option to you? Infidelity is regarded as a valid reason for divorce almost universally across religions and cultures. Can you please explain your reasons for taking this key option off the table?

Also, this is an anonymous forum. If your screen name is related to your real name, or the name used for AP is real, you may want to consider changing those for the sake of privacy.

[This message edited by InkHulk at 4:29 AM, Tuesday, June 25th]

Thanks.

Divorce is no longer an option because we have kids now. Not going to put them through it and ruin their lives too. If I did that, I would be allowing that scum bag to harm my children.

I had the choice to divorce when we had no kids, no property. I made the wrong decision to stay in it, thinking it would get easier over time.

I was wrong, nearly a decade later. Didn't expect this.

I just have to find a way to repair myself.

It’s been almost a decade, you need to accept that you will never get revenge or closure or whatever you want to call it with the other man. Never. For content, I am the BH also a father of 5 kids, and WWs AP actually physically hurt my son, after he had sex with my WW in my house.

I understand the desire for revenge. I will never be able to get what I want because in the real world there are consequences. Just or unjust doesn’t matter.

My best revenge is living my life the best I can and AP no longer exists. I’m only 2 years out from the end of the A, but I let go of the spite. It was killing me, not him. It’s killing you as well. You have 5 little people who need you to be at your best as much as you can. Dying from the poison of spite won’t allow you to get there. Booze will kill you faster.

You have control over your life. It will never be as it was before or what you wanted it to be. That will never change. You don’t have to suffer, you have the freedom to make a change.

[This message edited by HellIsNotHalfFull at 5:42 AM, Tuesday, June 25th]

Hi Tony,

I’m not sure I have any advice for you but I definitely resonated with a lot of what you wrote.

The oral sex being worse - 100% get that as that’s what my partner did with his one night stand (as well as regular sex, but that’s how he finished and it makes me sick every time I think about it).

The need for revenge. Multiple times over the last few months I have made fake instagrams and had to talk myself down from contacting the company AP works for and asking if they’re aware she is sleeping with clients (she was their tour manager while he was working away). Only thing that stops me is she lives in a very religious country and I worry the consequences would be too severe - guilt I know I couldn’t live with. Also, I know it’s not really her fault. She was awful to me afterwards when she found out I existed, but I’m unsure if that’s because she feels guilty, ashamed, or just really doesn’t care.
She’s only 22.

Revenge isn’t going to happen. I feel like I constantly try to punish my partner, any time things get good I feel the need to remind him what he did. I don’t want him to forget.

I also understand not wanting to divorce because of the kids.

Can I ask how your overall relationship with your wife has been since she confessed, how her behaviour has been? I think that’s what makes all the difference here, whether she’s been remorseful, how she treats you and behaves towards you in general?

I’m sorry you’re going through such a hard time. Have you spoken to anyone about the need to drink at night? I understand why people do that but, from experience, it makes you feel so much worse in the long run.

Only thing that stops me is she lives in a very religious country and I worry the consequences would be too severe - guilt I know I couldn’t live with.

Interesting you say this. My wife did this is in an extremely religious country where adultery is punishable by execution. If they were caught by the authorities, it would have been game over. One of the primary reasons I didn't lash out at the guy was that I would be arrested, probably face a short time in jail or massive fine, but once I explained to the police why I did it, my wife and her AP (is that the right abbreviation?) would have been arrested and charged with adultery.

There's a very real chance that I saved both their necks by not doing anything. They'll never realize this that I held their fate in my hands.

I think I need to confront him at some point to actually achieve closure, but I doubt I'll ever get that chance unless he moves. I would happily fly to the other side of the planet just to give him what he deserves.

Can I ask how your overall relationship with your wife has been since she confessed, how her behaviour has been? I think that’s what makes all the difference here, whether she’s been remorseful, how she treats you and behaves towards you in general?

She was extremely remorseful at the time, to be honest. Turned her life around, got baptized in the church, eliminated contact with pretty much everyone in her circle and started again.

We haven't been apart since. I work at home, she homeschools and stopped her career, so we're pretty much around each other every day. Even if she wanted to, there's no room there for affairs or misbehavior. She's too focused on the kids. If she went back to work, I'd probably worry though.

Problem is, over time she moved on from it. She doesn't want to hear about it. Even though I'm emotionally distressed on a daily basis and clearly still suffering trauma, she wants to carry on living and forget the past. Part of me doesn't blame her, but a big part of me thinks, "you messed me up and did this to me, you have a responsibility to be compassionate and help me for as long as it takes".

It’s been almost a decade, you need to accept that you will never get revenge or closure or whatever you want to call it with the other man. Never. For content, I am the BH also a father of 5 kids, and WWs AP actually physically hurt my son, after he had sex with my WW in my house.

I understand the desire for revenge. I will never be able to get what I want because in the real world there are consequences. Just or unjust doesn’t matter.

My best revenge is living my life the best I can and AP no longer exists. I’m only 2 years out from the end of the A, but I let go of the spite. It was killing me, not him. It’s killing you as well. You have 5 little people who need you to be at your best as much as you can. Dying from the poison of spite won’t allow you to get there. Booze will kill you faster.

You have control over your life. It will never be as it was before or what you wanted it to be. That will never change. You don’t have to suffer, you have the freedom to make a change.

Man, I'm sorry you went through all that, and so recent. I think you're a better man that I am, being able to remain so positive.

Trust me, the longer this goes on, the more furious I get at the fact that I'm wasting years of mental energy on this a-hole. I just don't know how to treat this and move on. I can't fix my trauma. I've tried for years.

It seems like the thing that’s really holding you back from being able to move on is a need for revenge which you feel like would give you closure. I’m not sure it would though. I agree with HellIsNotHalfFull, these feelings of anger will hurt you far more than you could ever hurt him.

You said you’ve tried IC, was that with one specific therapist? I wonder if a different therapist with a different approach might help? Maybe if you can overcome that, the rest will be easier.

It sounds like your wife took the appropriate steps in turning her life around but you mention you’re all together all the time. Do you get time away from the kids where the two of you can spend time as romantic partners, not parents? That was something we realised after my partner cheated, we hadn’t spent time together in so long. Our conversations revolved around the kids, the house, essential but boring stuff. We now have a date night once a week away from the kids and we talk about anything from movies, music, books, our family/friends, things we would like to do in the future, etc. it’s definitely helped shift our relationship dynamic in a more romantic direction. Is that something you’ve tried or could try? I’ve had issues with intimacy since and find that to be one of the only times I don’t struggle with it, because it feels natural after spending that time with each other.
If you feel like you really cant move on and it’s causing this much damage, your children will be fine if you divorce. I say I stay for my children, but I know in the long run they would be fine. Kids are more adaptable than we give them credit for. As long as the parents focus on the children through it all, they’ll be okay. I think it’s helpful to know you do have a way out if you need it at some point.

You will get some very good advice from the posters here who have traveled this very road you are on.

If I were you I would make my location more general, say USA instead of the town. Also, if the user name is the actual name of someone, I would ask to moderators to change it to something more general in nature, in order to be more anonomyous.

I hope you can get some relief from the PTSD.

Good luck to you.

Have you gone to therapy?

If you do not want a divorce and you know coping on your own isn’t working, perhaps think about therapy.

What I have learned about healing is that often infidelity stirs up all sorts of past wounds and that contributes to the overwhelming feelings of shame, anger, depression,etc.

What has your wife done to change? What has she done to help the marriage? It doesn’t sound like you have a happy marriage, what do you feel makes her stay?

I think a lot of people don’t believe in therapy or are embarrassed to go, but they can help you figure out a way to rough. It’s not an instant fix.

If you are determined to remain married, you may as well see if that can help. After all, you are modeling marriage for the children, and you deserve to find a way towards happiness.

Divorce is no longer an option because we have kids now. Not going to put them through it and ruin their lives too. If I did that, I would be allowing that scum bag to harm my children.

This seems like a very telling paragraph. That dirtbag is still living rent free in your head. The truth of the matter is, he is meaningless. I fully and completely understand the rage, I really do. I’m two years out from finding out about my wife’s 3+ year affair. Her AP is a complete sack of shit in all ways that I can think of and I hated him for quite a while. But eventually the reality set in, which was that my real problem was with my wife. If it wasn’t this AP, it was going to some other opportunist, because the unfaithfulness was in my wife. God knows I didn’t want to face that, but it’s true. I don’t think about the asshole anymore. I have enough bad feelings to regularly insult him if I’m writing about him here, the loser that he is, but I don’t have the "fly halfway around the world to get him" rage anymore. Sorry, friend, but I think your anger is misplaced. And as much as you might want to spare all that being directed at the mother of your children, she is your problem, not him.

I am in the process of divorcing now, and I deeply hate how it will impact my kids, as I am a child of divorce myself. But I’ve also had to realize that the emotional turmoil of staying in an infidelity hellscape relationship is not healthy for them either. You can’t feel the way that you describe in your opening post and not have your children impacted by that. This is not an obvious tradeoff is all I’m really trying to say. Feeling alive and joyful again could add so much richness to your children as their father. You are more than a paycheck to them.

You had kids after you found out. I understand that complicates things. But infidelity is a deal breaker, and there is no statute of limitations. You had no idea that after nine years you would still be so plagued by this that you’d be telling an anonymous forum how dead inside you feel. End of relationship is a very natural consequence for this kind of betrayal and I caution you from completely taking it off the table, especially as a way of not letting "him" win.

Tony

I think you are caught in having convinced yourself about several "truths" that probably arent’ truths.

Like she didn’t legally commit adultery so therefore your concerns (or fantasy) of the threat of her being stoned or whatever don’t hold water. This happened BEFORE you two got married, and if her country is as religious as you state then a marriage with an infidel is probably not seen as valid anyways.

I mention this because I want you to snap out of fantasy. Victim-fantasy...

For one – you are doing yourself and your marriage a great disservice in behaving as divorce isn’t a possibility.
Not saying you should divorce or need to, but taking it so completely off the table is actually making very little out of your marriage.
Imagine this scenario: You are tasked with carrying a package across town. You look inside the box and it’s some dirty, used metal parts for a car. You toss the box into the rear seat of your vehicle and set off. Stop to run inside a gas-station for a soda, leaving the car unlocked outside. After all – who would steal a used rear-differential? You run some errands, drive fast over speedbumps and whatever, and then leave the box outside on the porch of the reccipitent.
Now imagine the same, only when you look inside the box it has gold-inlayed and jewlery studded eggs. The moment your realize your cargo is so delicate and precious... you now drive more carefully, take more care, are more delicate. You wait to personally deliver the package.

It’s the same with your marriage. When you say you can’t divorce – you are basically saying that no matter how you behave and how she responds there is NO risk at all. There is no danger of irreversible damage, and even if it did happen it wouldn’t change anything. You do not handle the situation with the delicacy and importance it requires.

Once you realize that a careless turn, going too fast over a speedbump or not tending to the box can cause irreparable damage... THAT is when you start treating your marriage with the appropriate seriousness.

OK - This is what I suggest:
Number one to one thousand: lay off the booze. If you can’t stop drinking NOW and then limit yourself to maybe one or two beers on Friday or Saturday... acknowledge you have a problem. After all – this is only for maybe 30-60 days. If you cant do that... You have a problem where you can’t prioritize a possible risk to your family over your drinking.

Number onethousandandone... Get help. Get IC/therapy. No matter how this marriage ends, you will take yourself along on your journey. You need help to better deal with your life.
Be open to your wife:
"Wife. I know it’s a decade, but I am still in a bad place regarding the sex and cheating from before our marriage. Honestly – I think I should have called off our marriage, and I still experience regret at not having done so. I feel strongly we should work things out for our kids, but if that’s going to happen we really need to work this out. I think we need professional help – as in a counselor. I trully fear that if this isn’t dealt with we will end up resentful or divorced".

That whole period of my life and our marriage disgusts me. It's revolting.

And yet if I had to guess, I’d bet that you live there approaching 24/7 at times. Sleepwalking through life while your head is back living 9 years ago.

I know I did. It’s a sucking vortex. It was an epiphany for me to realize that some part of me loved being there. That it would rather roll around in it like a dog rolling in cow manure, than to be in the present. Pain wasn’t a negative, it was the goal. I basically reveled in my victimhood.

If you can’t get it out of your head, then by definition some part of you loves it, wants it, thinks it needs it. The answer to making it stop is not to think more about it, to live even more in the past, the answer lies in understanding why you want it. That is the point of attack. It’s a very deep question too, that can lead to real personal growth.

You say you can't trust a woman counselor/therapist. What do you fear they'll do? If revealing what you say is the fear, check into te professional erthics the therapist works under. In CA, therapy sessions are confidential with some limits that don't seem to apply to you.

I'm very sorry you have to deal with this, but you have a choice between letting the pain go and carrying it around with you for the rest of your life. I know resolving pain is not easy - but it's a lot easier than carrying it around for another 36 years or so (base on Social Security Admin actuarial table).

What do you want to be different and that can be attained in your life? Name just one thing. Find a therapist, tell them what change you want. If they say they can help, start doing the work.

Also, know that your kids know more than you think they know. They may be happier with separate households than with a father who is desperately unhappy in his M.

Welcome to SI and I'm sorry that you're still hurting after all of these years. The Healing Library, which has a lot of information, includes the list of acronyms we use. AP is correct for affair partner.

This is what stands out to me

She doesn't want to hear about it.

To me, this is still a wayward mindset and means she really hasn't changed where it matters.

If she were driving your car and caused an accident where you had major injuries, would she have empathy towards you because it took so long for you to heal? What if you had a permanent limp, needed to use a cane, or the weather cause the spot where the break(s) happened to hurt so much that you were in bed all day?

What if somebody broke into your house and stabbed you nearly to death, would she have compassion for any scarring? She needs to realize that she's the one who held the knife and stabbed you.

It's too bad that she doesn't want to hear about it. She needs to understand the depth of the pain you're in and provide support. She hasn't dealt with the issue in a way to become a safe partner. If she had, you wouldn't need to worry as much if she went back to work.

For some of us infidelity is a dealbreaker. In cases where you feel like you can't move on or it has broken you I believe it is best to leave. Maybe you can do that when the kids are older or grown. Even if my xWS had been remorseful I was not a good candidate for R. Infidelity will always be a dealbreaker for me.

Leaving my xWS has given me the peace of mind I had been wanting since D-Day. Being around the perpetrator and the triggers was just too much for me. Plus he was not remorseful and I'm a grudge holder and not a very forgiving person.

You’re stuck. You’re stuck in limbo, and I can totally empathize. You’ve been stuck there for 9 years-of course you have, because this stuff just…doesn’t…go away on its own.

You can’t stay there. You can’t stay stuck. It’s causing you, your marriage AND your children, cumulative damage. You’re staying stuck to protect your children, but in actuality, you’re damaging your children. Children thrive when the parents thrive. Parents thrive when they are honestly and holistically happy, happy together or happy apart, it doesn’t matter, just as long as the parents are genuinely happy. A toxic, troubled and/or unloving household is not a nurturing environment. It’s not an environment that displays proper attachment styles, proper examples of affection, intimacy, love, mutual respect, honesty, intimate, effective and loving communication styles, problem solving, etc.

The stuff that builds a well adapted-adjusted human.

Your kids are reaching a VERY intuitive age, where it will become increasingly difficult to hide this from them.

So, you need to take action. Either get that divorce or, get some serious therapy to help you deal with this trauma. Get with a therapist who specializes in infidelity trauma, PE, CPT, EMDR etc.

This will not go away with time alone, obvious now after nine years, you need something more definitive.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 11:52 PM, Tuesday, June 25th]

RB and many others

So, you need to take action.

That really is the bottom line, ACT. Even if it is initially the wrong thing, you need to do something. Pick a path, start moving, and course correct as you go.

For your spouses sake, make it a sharp break, not a gradual evolution. She needs to see that you are acting. Invite her along, ask for her help, whatever. But make it so the past is the past, and now it’s time for change. Big change.

Sending strength!

If divorce is not an option, then you have built your own prison. I can't help you to live happily in a cell of your own creation. All I can do is help you to see that you hold the key. It's up to you to use it.

Kids tend to fare better coming from a broken home rather continuing to live in one.