SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Do you ever think you should be so over it that you aren’t still checking phones, emails, computers, etc?

I honestly don’t care that things seem normal and like a healthy marriage——the last time it was a normal healthy marriage or so I thought he was cheating.

I think if he could fake normal once he can do it again—-I was fooled once but I don’t want to let a thing slip by.

Two things I've learned from infidelity, the only thing I trust is my gut. My W is not naturally a liar so she really sucks at it. I will know if I ever need to check things because my gut will never be ignored again. My question to you is your gut ok? Are you feeling something is off?

I’m 2 years out and I still check occasionally, no where near as much as I did first year. What I’ve learned and I agree with Tanner, I trust my instincts, haven’t been wrong yet. Also, for me it’s two things, her willingness to show me anything anytime, which she has, and her behavior with her stuff. She leaves everything out all the time now, has no problem handing me her phone when we are driving asking me to look up something for her, etc.

It takes time though to get there. It’s especially difficult if I’m reading your situation right in that you had no indication whatsoever and your WH acted the same during the A. That would be even harder. I at least knew something was way wrong, and I can look back and see the very obvious things now. If you didn’t have that it I can absolutely understand why you are feeling constantly stressed and needing to check.

What I can tell you is that you can’t prevent him from cheating again. Especially with technology now, if he wants to he will. If he wants to break NC with AP he will find a way. No matter how much you check, it won’t stop him if he has the desire to. It’s hard to let go because it feels like a control measure, it’s something that you can do to control an outcome. Truth is, it’s not. It’s controlling you. At best, all it can do is maybe allow you to catch something after it starts.

Don’t trust him at all, but trust yourself and your instincts. I haven’t followed all of your story, but I feel that from what I have read from you that cheating is just your dealbreaker. No judgment at all, it’s a completely acceptable response, I still wonder myself if it is for me. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to feel what you honestly feel. You can’t be the relationship police, if you do it will likely only bring misery

I agree with the last few comments. For me it isn’t a matter of being over the affair it and not wanting to check anymore. I found I could always find trigger as a pretense to check things. Which usually would lead to wasting a lot of energy. I’ve accepted that I’m happier not looking all the time. I believe the truth will bubble to the surface eventually if something is going on. If and when it does, I really believe I’ll be ok. I didn’t feel that way for a long time and it was miserable

Part of why we want to check things is fear of our world blowing up and the desire to control events so that doesn't happen. I can’t stop my wife from cheating again, so I let go of trying to control things that way. These days I use concurrent planning when dreaming about the future. If she returns to a life of infidelity, I’ll be gone, right away. I won’t live in that world anymore. I’ve given thought to what my new world would look like financially and what kind of life I’d lead. I would just step into that alternate plan.

The only problem with my plan is I’m not all in. I kind of have one foot out the door. I do have relative peace though.

Almost three years after D-day I still check from time to time. Not daily, like I did in the early days, maybe once or twice a month, or even less. There have been no red flags since D-day2, no lies that I am aware of, but he has been lying to me for 9 fucking years, while acting normal all the time with me and the kids, so things seeming normal now is no assurance for me. He has gotten so good at lying in the last couple of years of cheating, that I can't rely just on my gut to catch it if he starts anything fishy again.

I don't check to prevent another affair, I am painfully aware that if he wants to cheat again, he will and there is nothing I can do to stop him. I check, because I need to know what is happening in my life and by checking, the probability of catching him, if he is cheating, goes up. If he has not really changed, if he is still the same POS, then I want to know about it sooner rather than later. I don't think he is, but I have been proven wrong about him in the past and I could be wrong now. And since I have no desire to throw away another 9 years on a POS, I check and will check anytime I feel like it. And he knows it and had to accept it if he wants to reconcile. It sucks, for both of us, but it is how it is.

My feelings are similar to Legatus' - I simply cannot check anymore, with WH or with anyone in the future if that happens. I simply cannot live like that anymore. It was miserable. How did that happen?

A lot of IC and self esteem building and figuring out that I really don't NEED a partner - and it's not good to feel that way. I can be disappointed in their behavior - mad, angry, sad - I am not some emotionless robot now - I just KNOW that I will be OKAY no matter what happens. After living though years of false R and making it to the otherside I know that about myself.

I could be cheated on again. My reactions will not be the same, and I will be okay. But ultimately I feel like I "need" to check on my partner all the time, then I know it's time for me to leave (and I have planned to be able to take care of myself - so aside from inconveniences relating to separating I am able to take care of me). It't that simple.

A lot of IC and self esteem building and figuring out that I really don't NEED a partner

This right here. Once a BS learns that they don’t really need a parter, it becomes a real game changer!

So have there been new ddays since discovery in December of 2019? And how often are you monitoring and checking devices and accounts?

I am assuming from the wording of your post that you are A. exhausted and want to stop, but B. unable to. You really only have three options or explanations to deal with this:

*It was a dealbreaker. That's fine, but you will need to accept this and get a D to give yourself some peace.

*Your WS is keeping you feeling unsafe. If he is not being/doing what you need, same solution as above. You'll need to D and grant yourself some much needed peace.

*You have other things going on, possibly FOO issues, that are keeping you feeling vulnerable and unsafe. The only solution for this is IC until you can work through and address what is at the heart of your continual vigilance and fear. As said earlier, for me it was finding my strength and learning to trust that I didn't need him. Wanting to be M is different than complete panic at the thought of not being M. Once I worked on that, I really stopped policing the relationship. But there are other things that could be going on, too.

All I know from irl experience is this: when you are feeling something for a long time and can't really understand what it's about, FOO is usually the culprit. And that takes time to unlayer and defang.

OIN is spot on, as usual.

Your WS is keeping you feeling unsafe. If he is not being/doing what you need, same solution as above. You'll need to D and grant yourself some much needed peace.

I don't think you necessarily need to jump right to D, but I do think OIN is correct that the root of frequent checking and/or pain shopping is feeling unsafe. I'm discovering that while I thought that I had reconciled well, I still don't feel safe with my H all these years later because I can't count on him to be a financially safe partner or to have good boundaries. It doesn't have anything to do with infidelity anymore - I don't worry that he'll cheat, but I snooped, creeped on the AP, and brought infidelity up as a topic of conversation in order to get my victim fix. (I'm literally having a lightbulb moment right now. lol) I'm not saying that's what you're doing at this point, but if the snooping/pain shopping goes on well past the point of the typical recovery phase, you might be experiencing something similar to me.

Also, having the rug pulled out from underneath you when you find out that everything that you believed to be true was a big, fat lie is traumatic. And either having to recalibrate your gut or come to terms with the fact that your gut was functioning just fine but you didn't listen to it is a big, big deal. Give yourself a little grace.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 7:49 PM, Friday, May 31st]

I slowly stopped checking too, it took a couple of years to stop completely checking. Then 12 years later DD#2 was a total shock, didn't suspect anything! The texting and flirting had just started a few weeks before so I didn't have time to notice.
I'm trying to work through it again but I don't know if I will ever be able to stop checking in any relationship. I feel this time broke part of me.

I am not checking to prevent cheating.

I’m checking to "find out" sooner than later.

OIN

It really has always been a dealbreaker. Until it happened.

Less thinking-
Was the DDay2 the same person?

I am an empath. I'm pretty sure that's due to constantly trying to read my narcissist mother during my childhood, but regardless, when I encounter someone in pain, I really feel it. I want to help them.

When you post, Howcthappen, your pain comes through. If you were one or two years out from dday, I would think, "It's a process. She'll work through it." But you are five years out, five years with a remorseful spouse who has been doing the work (it seems anyway), so now it feels to me as if you are stuck. And I feel for you, I really do. It's a long time to live with this level of anxiety.

It really has always been a dealbreaker. Until it happened.

I get what you mean here, but you cannot have it both ways if you want to feel peaceful again. If it's a dealbreaker, you must leave. If you want to stay and find peace, you have to work through whatever is holding you back. You cannot say, "It was a dealbreaker but I'm staying" and expect to feel any peace inside. That seems to be where you are at.

The WS heals the WS.
But the BS heals the BS.
That's where you are at, needing to work on you and your feelings and why you cannot relax even though you want to stay in this M. Why is it so scary to D and find peace alone? Or why is it so scary to trust yourself so you can experience peace in your M? The answers are inside of you, and a good IC is what you need if you cannot find those answers and work through these truths by yourself.

Because the definition of insanity is to continue to do the same thing but hope for different results. Something must change.

My gut is telling me that this experience has triggered a childhood wound, and you seem unable to connect the two events to realize your current hurts are being magnified by these old, raw childhood hurts. The new hurt of infidelity has layered itself on top of a painful childhood experience, basically ripping those old feelings open again. What that would feel like, as someone who has lived through it, is the acute sense that "This is how I felt when I was young all over again!" Or even "This person made a fool of me just like this parent did!" Something like that. When you find yourself making this comparison to childhood, you know you are up against an abandonment wound. It is very common for infidelity to trigger old abandonment wounds, but that makes it much harder to work through in present day. I had to confront my FOO hurts AND my H's behaviors at the same time to heal myself because the hurt went hand-in-hand. My personal abandonment thoughts sound like, "Selfish people are always disregarding me and doing whatever they want! Nobody thinks of me or cares about me." Those were my thoughts with my H when I found out what he was doing, but I was also talking about the way my mom had always treated me. My new hurt was layering onto old hurt.

I hope you consider the fact that you cannot say, even to yourself, "It was a dealbreaker, but I am staying" and hope to ever, ever feel better. It just doesn't work that way. It's a type of denial. So what is so scary that it's keeping you stuck in this denial, in this painful situation but unwilling to challenge the feelings behind it?

From my own and my H's experience, we use denial to avoid memories and emotions that we really, really, REALLY do not want to face again. They often involve our most upsetting, vulnerable moments from long ago, things we hoped were buried. But infidelity can and does bring that crap to the surface. I hope you will find the courage to unlayer this onion and get to the fear that is keeping you stuck. The only way out of the fire is to walk right through. Yes, it will hurt like hell as you confront things you'd rather not confront, but there is an exit, the only exit, on the other side of the flames.

Wishing you strength and peace.

Hypervigilance clearly isn't building trust, bringing you peace, or even providing clarity of mind.

So if what you're doing hasn't been working, why not try something else? Like letting go completely?

Just give it a try, even if it's just a for a few days, a few weeks, or a few months.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 5:02 PM, Tuesday, June 4th]

As others have said, I stopped checking. Until I had that gut feeling I needed to check. Ive learned that my gut is always right. Literally. If your gut is telling you something is wrong, then chances are there is.

I am coming up on years post day and rarely check anymore.

First, he covered his tracks on his phone the first time around so he could again

Second, I knew something was up. My WS who was always so kind, happy and calm, was sullen, combative, and quite honestly mean. I just knew and I could not get him to admit it nor could I find the evidence.

Therefore, I am going with my gut. It hasn't failed me so I need to listen. Also my WS is a terrible liar.

Owningitnow-

It’s been 5 years.

I’ve read the stuff.

I’ve somehow skipped over the FOO stuff for myself and only ever considered it for the explanation of why he would allow himself to do something so very devastating.

When I read your last reply in this thread I threw my phone down got really hot and nauseous and ran to the bathroom and threw up. I literally vomitted. I’ve never had that reaction to reading something.

All I can say is everything makes sense now.

I’m crying right now and I can’t tell you how many events in my childhood this betrayal has triggered but it’s washing over me like a flood and I am overwhelmed.

I didn’t stay in individual counseling long enough or maybe they never even asked me what this brings up for me.

I’m engulfed in all the images.

It’s been sitting there in my face. This entire time.

I’ve always considered myself intelligent- spiritually connected. But maybe God knew I wasn’t ready to handle all the underlying stuff on top of the infidelity.

I will post in a few days.

Just know you are right.

You are right.

And I’m freaking out because it’s all welling up inside of me and I need a spigot but I already know it’s not gonna be able to drip out slowly.

Shit.

[This message edited by Howcthappen at 11:00 AM, Wednesday, June 5th]

Although you are overwhelmed at the moment, this is actually a beautiful opportunity to heal some very old wounds. Won’t be pleasant, but just wait until you are no longer carrying that crap around with you. This has been the silver lining for me— he cheated and he gets 100% of the blame. But the work I did on myself while putting myself back together has made me so much happier, more content, nicer.

Maybe get back in IC and dig this stuff out. It no longer serves you.