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My WS and I (married 24 years) are working hard on reconciliation and doing very well … last night he was out (I knew where he was am encouraged the activity /community time ) I saw his iPad and started snooping.

This morning he was moody. We worked out together and he seemed off. I went to him and said "something’s up and it’s making me feel insecure" which he shared he had seen inwas snooping because I left his email acct open. He was ok with it but admitted it bothered him because we were doing so well …. Yes, but t also I feel like I’ve betrayed his trust and messed things up 🤦‍♀️. He reassured me that it is ok and part of the process but I’m embarrassed and feel awful. Im annoyed he walked around sulking and festering for 3 hrs Ugh could use some support

Also this is the month all this started last year and he was heavy Into porn and then prostitutes last summer

So, if I'm to understand, it's been under a year since Dday and he sulky your checking up on him? Did I get that right?

So, if I'm to understand, it's been under a year since Dday and he sulky your checking up on him? Did I get that right?

Yeah, sorry; I can’t express any sympathy for that. You did absolutely nothing wrong. He needs to get over himself. He should be apologizing to you that you even feel the need to do this.

Hugs.

[This message edited by Lalagirl at 2:32 PM, Thursday, May 2nd]

I would have a hard time with him being sulky after you looked at his devices. I am two years out from d day and still check my WH devices occasionally. I told him I may always do that. Like forever. He has broken trust and I am not even close to trusting him completely. I don’t think I ever will really but like you we are working towards reconciling and doing well.
I see your husband’s sulking as a sign of his selfish behavior and self focused thought processes. He feels bad for himself that you still don’t trust him. Not bad that you have the pain of betrayal and carrying that distrust.

You have every right to look at his ipad. One year is not much time at all as far as healing and trusting him.

His behavior seems a bit manipulative. If he was bothered by discovering that you looked at his iPad he should have discussed it with you instead of sulking and making you ask him what was bothering him.

"He was ok with it but admitted it bothered him because we were doing so well"

Sounds like he wants you to feel bad about checking. You checking is a consequence of his behavior. You did nothing wrong. It's hard to trust someone who has lied to and betrayed us. He needs to understand what he did and be supportive of you.

Complete electronic transparency should be the expectation as "part of the process". You can get caught "snooping" if you are expected to be checking his devices and accounts on occasion. As far as I'm concerned, one of the consequences of cheating is a permanent loss of privacy rights because they have proven to use that for secrecy and betrayal. The rebuilt trust is not implicit and complete. It is consistently reaffirmed by checking that actions are meeting words. The only reason I don't look at stuff often, is because I don't feel like I need to. Not because my wife would get upset at me looking.

My WH was sulky when I would look at his devices. That's because he was still doing things on them he didn't want me to see.

Either your husband can accept that this is a normal reaction to the betrayal he conducted, or he can accept that his reaction and behavior are not in line with being a good rebuilder.

Use this as a teaching opportunity:
Husband – You used to be my pilar. The man I trusted with and for anything. Then your actions with the escorts and porn completely wrecked any trust I had in you. It shocked the foundations that I based my marriage and opinion of you. I’m still here... I really want us to work... But that old blind trust will NEVER come back.
What I need to do – and you go along with me – is trust but verify. You tell me nothing is going on – just like you did WHEN everything was going on! – and now I need to verify that. With enough verification I will calm down, a new form of trust will be established. But that’s going to take some time. Maybe 2-3 years.
If you are unhappy with that then remember – this is because of what YOU did. When I see you angry at ME I see you trying to guilt me to submission.
At that time I had the option of simply divorcing. It’s not what I wanted and that’s why I’m still here. But you too have the option of divorcing. If you want your porn and escorts and all that... YOU CAN HAVE IT ALL. You can then find someone else who will want you to be their pillar and they will give you the blind trust you want. But if you want ME – well... this openness and accountability will carry on for now.

Tell him we were doing even better after I saw your iPad had nothing to worry about in it, but now we are not because of your attitude.

He was ok with it but admitted it bothered him because we were doing so well ….

Huh?! What does he think the end goal is? Does "doing well" for him means you don’t "snoop" anymore? Is that the end goal, you stop snooping rather than him earning back trust and being accountable?

He has some work to do to understand that privacy and secrecy are two different things. You’re not "snooping" you’re verifying that your WH is not still hiding any information detrimental to your marriage (such as another affair).

My WH didn’t get everything right since the beginning either but if there is one thing he got right is this: he never considered me finding his affair by intercepting a text from his AP snooping, nor does he ever considered me accessing his phone "snooping"(pre affair or post affair). Nor do I when it comes to my devices. Perhaps because we’ve existed as a couple pre mobile phones (or just about), we always used each other’s phones, laptops, pcs, we always shared our passwords and never considered device accessing as "an invasion of privacy". I don’t check much these days, nor did I do it pre dday but if I decided to do so one thing I know for sure: there won’t be any accusations of snooping.

This applies to both of us, he can check my phone/emails etc. Privacy and secrecy are two different things, if there’s nothing to hide on his phone what is the problem?

Wow. Speechless.

If he didn't cheat, you wouldn't have to snoop.

Total transparency is a must. I had access to WH emails, voicemails, social media for years. I snooped. Yes I did. It helped me to regain trust. Not once did he complain.

It takes years to rebuild trust, not months.

Thx everyone

He caught himself being "grumpy" and sulking and if he read this would agree with you all 100%. He said he has no right for any reaction he was just surprised ……and fell I to an old behavior

Honestly it’s me who is feeling weird about this. I feel like I got caught doing something unscrupulous which I know is wrong …

He was ok with it but admitted it bothered him because we were doing so well ….

Translation: I thought that you were just going to forget all the misery I caused you and sweep everything under the rug, and we would return to the status quo. I never thought that cheating on you would actually change our marital dynamic permanently.

Honestly it’s me who is feeling weird about this. I feel like I got caught doing something unscrupulous which I know is wrong …

You feel weird about it because in a healthy marriage with a trustworthy spouse it would be crazy and unscrupulous for you to snoop through their correspondences. You were never the type of person who felt compelled to check on your partner before, so it’s natural that you feel gross about doing something that goes against your character.

If only cheaters felt that way about cheating.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 6:21 PM, Thursday, May 2nd]

You did nothing wrong.

And honestly, I don’t think that just because he felt some sort of way at first makes him bad as long as he can understand the bigger picture quickly and without being told.

That is going to be an unpopular stance, but not every bad reaction is evidence of anything other than human nature. We all might emotionally react to something before our logic can reframe it . Those feelings range from "I thought we were doing better, I feel a little left out of his thought process" to "I am sad that I created this and will I ever earn back trust enough for this relationship to be functional?"

Did his reaction make you feel bad or did you already feel bad? And I can see you recognize what everyone is saying is true- that it’s a situation my h and I call "tough titty" from the old nursery rhyme. When one of us has a bad initial reaction, one of us says tough titty and that’s our little way of reminding each other this is not our pre-affair marriage. .

It’s whether you can self correct and understand it truly is part of the process. It sounds to me like there has been a lot of rebuilding, and that too can bring a sense of guilt because sometimes the need to snoop accompanies a strong confidence that you will find nothing and then you feel silly. The last time I went through my husbands phone, found nothing just as my gut said I wouldn’t, and I felt a little nagging feeling of knowing I infringed in his privacy for no current reason/risk. I have that right in our marriage, but it still feels bad to wield a power that you don’t really feel you need at this moment in time.

Regardless, you did nothing wrong because historically you didn’t know what was going on in your marriage. And if you need that reassurance even when the doubt is barely there, I see no harm. Especially two years out.

We are seven from mine, I don’t know the last time my husband checked my stuff but it’s been long enough that I know I would feel weird that suddenly he did it. I wouldn’t care about the actual checking because he wouldn’t find anything but it would trigger me to wonder what’s changed or what’s up. I hope that makes sense.

[This message edited by hikingout at 7:20 PM, Thursday, May 2nd]

Thank you - very helpful and we are just 8 months out

Then you should not feel badly at all. Even in the other cases you should not.

The reassurance that you found nothing will assist in the rebuilding of trust and helped lessen your anxiety while he was out by himself. He needs to understand that the positive in that outweighs the negative of you feeling the need. It's early days still for you even after 8 months.

Don't apologize and don't let yourself feel embarrassment or like you did anything wrong. The fact that you feel bad about this, gives him the ability to manipulate you. Don't give him that. For the record, my response would be "Yep, and I don't feel the slightest bit guilty for doing so." BECAUSE YOU SHOULDN'T. 8 months ago, you thought everything was fine and it turns out that HE WAS LYING TO YOUR FACE AND PUTTING YOUR HEALTH AT RISK.

8 months out is still super early days for the record. I'm 7 years out and happily reconciled, and while I don't feel the compulsion to snoop like I did in the first few years, I wouldn't hesitate to do so if I caught the slightest whiff of weird. And my husband is fully aware that I check on him from time to time and have zero apologies about the fact that I will probably do this forever.

In the early days, I framed it (both to myself and to my husband) as a way to reassure myself when the feelings of doubt/insecurity inevitably crept in. Sometimes I actually think those feelings were MOST likely to occur when I was starting to feel confident about things - my brain was like "easy there tiger, pump those brakes - stay vigilant." Checking and finding nothing obviously doesn't prove anything (you can't prove a negative), but every spot check was a tiny trust building exercise and little by little, it served to assure me that he/we were on the right track and that he had nothing to hide, and that I could take him at his word and that he meant it when he said he was going to do everything he could to make sure I knew he would never do this again.

Thanks everyone. In my head I know my feeling bad is ridiculous but things were going well and now this energy shift. He also had IC today and the therapist said "while u have should be entitled to a reasonable amount of privacy , in this case it seems like part of the process ." I’m feeling annoyed that he was grumpy this morning. I used to put up with his moodiness but I have zero tolerance now. His moodiness is what created a distance between us before the form/infidelity. I’m just not having it

It’s not snooping, it’s transparency. You didn’t get caught doing anything. I recommend you change how you phrase it. You’re his wife,
You aren’t snooping around. I personally think, especially with long term marriages, full transparency should be the norm. Even before I got thrown into this hell of infidelity, WW and I had open everything, she had and still has all
of my stuff, I don’t have any secrets. I just never checked because I never felt like I had too. At 8 months post DDAY it was still a very regular occurrence for me to scour everything and everywhere. It’s a very normal response.