SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

For those not familiar with my story, my husband had a six month EA/PA with a coworker for the first half of 2020. I found weird phone records at the end of May, he lied and gaslit a blue streak for a month until I woke up from my naïveté and self doubt and did a real search for hard evidence. Once I found it he did an about face and answered all my questions with only small amounts of trickle truth and evasion. Working our way through it and reconciling involved the roller coaster pain and trauma everyone here has experienced, with the added trauma of the untimely death of a close family member that was happening at the same time. It was also the height of Covid, and we had to work through how to deal with him and his AP both remaining at the same workplace.

It was a very hard two full years after Dday, but things gradually stabilized, and though I have triggers now and then and still feel a deep sadness when I think of his affair, it’s not all consuming. I don’t feel preoccupied with fear or anger or pain or lack of trust. I’ve accepted that the blind trust I had before was unhealthy. He’s worked really hard to make amends, and he’s made it clear that he really wants our relationship. I think the risk of him cheating again is quite low, and I trust myself to deal with it if it were to happen.

All that to say we’re at a place where we have a solid partnership, a life we’ve built together that we love, and two great kids we co-parent well. We have similar interests, enjoy each other’s company, and have shared values. The 22 years we had together before his affair were really good. Not devoid of run of the mill marital bumps in the road and the normal share of hardships life offers, but fulfilling, and I felt very grateful and lucky to have a good life and marriage after a childhood that was pretty traumatic.

Nonetheless, I’m struggling with the new status quo of my marriage. I feel like the affair and its aftermath all but destroyed the romantic part of me and filled the gaping hole with pain and sadness. I always felt in love with my husband before the affair, and I still love him deeply, but the situations where previously I would have had those romantic thoughts and feelings now just feel blank or sad or painful to me, so I avoid them. I don’t like romantic movies or love stories; I don’t like explicitly romantic events like dates or anniversary celebrations or Valentine’s Day. Sex is just sex. Our bodies work, and I have a sex drive, but it’s devoid of the romance and fun and experimentation we used to enjoy. This really weighs on my husband (though he doesn’t complain about it and just apologizes for causing it when it comes up), because the romantic and sexual parts of our relationship are really important to him. They are to me, too, theoretically, but I’m happier avoiding them because I have no idea how to get the feelings back, and it’s very painful to try. I’m not really sure where to go from here. I wonder sometimes if the betrayal just broke that part of me, because even if we divorced I honestly have zero interest in having a romantic relationship with anyone. Thoughts? Advice? Similar experiences? Is this just a phase that passes eventually? We’re looking to find a MC, but I just feel so defeated and sad.

Sorry for the dissertation.

I know I had a hard time with this and still do at times years later. In brief, for me, it was being vulnerable. Plain and simple. I can still get a vulnerability hangover after intimate moments. While I know I will be fine, sometimes that fear of the pain still gets me and I have to fight the need to protect myself.

Just a thought.

Thanks, veryconfused. How long has it been since your dday? I had to look up the phrase "vulnerability hangover," but I think you’re right that it has to do with vulnerability. I don’t have a clear sense of how to be vulnerable again.

I am only two years from d day but I feel like you do completely. I still care for my husband but at this point I would not say I love him or feel any sort of romance in our relationship. Like you, we are still sexual active but I have no desire to go on a romantic anniversary trip or celebrate any romantic holidays. I think we are still early in the process and you may get input from others that with time that feeling may come back. I am open to it but it’s absolutely not there for me and I’ve told my WH it may not come back. I have never had feelings come back for someone so I’m not counting on it. The depth of hurt that affairs cause I think sometimes can kill that part of the relationship. I know if I wasn’t late forties, with kids and so many entanglements I would probably cut ties just to try to have that feeling back. But alas that is not my situation. He has accepted that as part of the fall out from his selfish behavior. It actually bothers me quite a bit. I miss that part of my life being fulfilling because before finding out about his affairs we did have a romantic relationship especially for being married for twenty years. No real advice but just understanding.

Grieving,
I am 8 years out from my DDay and I feel the same as you. I've just been assigned to a project 16 hours from home for the next 3 years and if it wasn't for my daughters and dogs, I wouldn't care to go home twice a month. In my sitch I believe it is because my WW hasn't done any of the work. I was pressured to R by an older couple that at the time I considered our "surrogate" parents. I committed to R before finding this website. I didn't have a support system that looked out for me. We get along and parent our daughters as good as we can, but I no longer have any romantic feelings towards her. We live like roommates.

If your WH does the work, accepts the blame and consequences, and shows true remorse, your feelings MAY come back. But even if he does all of those things, if it is a deal breaker for you, then that is okay too.

This is not a position we asked to be put in. The damage to the heart from betrayal is tremendous. Your do what you need to do to find peace.

God bless!

Thank you Salt and Knit. It’s easy to start feeling down on myself about this, and it helps to have people who understand the feeling. In my case it doesn’t sound appealing to cut ties and try again, even if I put all practical concerns aside (it sounds like we’re at similar life stages/circumstances, Salt). I love him and would rather be with him than be alone, though I think I could make a happy life alone, too. But I have less than zero desire for another relationship. Knit, my husband has definitely worked hard to make amends and repair the relationship, but I think you’re right that betrayal damages the heart tremendously, and I think that’s true regardless of whether the offending spouse puts in the work or not.

Thank you for the responses. I feel like my other option is to Google something like "how to fall back in love with your spouse after they cheat on you," and that feels so . . . bleak.

I appreciate you all.

Thank you each for sharing this, because I feel just like that. As veryconfused put it, there is a vulnerability hangover for me, or maybe a refusal to ever be vulnerable again with a person known to have done what my WH did - random hookups with sex workers. An affair of the heart would have at least made some sense to my heart, but in that case I'd still have let him go. That he wanted things to stay the same at home, was just....unfathomable.

In the animal learning world, it would be termed a 'paired association.' You had lovey-dovey feelings for someone who THEN broke your heart. Survival instinct says something like "remember what happened the LAST time you felt this way?" DANGER!

I have no idea how to extinguish that learned response, but it makes complete sense you have it.

I wonder sometimes if the betrayal just broke that part of me, because even if we divorced I honestly have zero interest in having a romantic relationship with anyone.

This right here I could have written verbatim.

I am just waiting for this to change.

Grieving
I don’t have any words of advice to share with you as i am pretty messed up myself.
But I can’t help wonder if the heart puts up a wall as a protective mechanism. An intimate betrayal is one of the most devastating and painful thing a heart can experience. I am surprised that any of us can actually survive the heartache! Scientists have done radiological studies where they found that the heart actually goes through a physical change after a heartache.

Suppresse, the paired association thing makes a lot of sense, and cedar, I agree that it’s probably a protective wall of some kind.

Howcthishappen, I’m sorry. It sucks to feel broken. I do hope we both find more healing.

If anyone has felt like this and found their way through, I’d love to hear how. Or maybe people just learn to live with and accept it?

[This message edited by Grieving at 3:13 AM, Monday, March 18th]

I think a lot of the BS’s on this forum have never cheated before and aren’t the kind to cheat. I consider myself in that category. You mentioned not having the unhealthy blind trust. I had that as well, and now after the affair I don’t think I’ll ever give that blind trust ever again. What sucks about that is, I liked living in that blind trust fantasy world. It felt good and it felt safe. I resent my wife at times for stealing that world (fantasy) from me. Even though it never really existed.

I feel a lot of the ways you described in your post. I’ve kind of accepted the marriage will never taste as good as it once did. I liken the affair to an infection. One that leaves scars and leaves the marriage disfigured. I know that’s a bleak point of view. Keep in mind I had false multiple false R and years of trickle truth, so I may be more on the pessimistic side of things. I question my decision to stay in the marriage often.

I’m happier avoiding them because I have no idea how to get the feelings back, and it’s very painful to try.

I'm not sure what the real answer is to this, it probably varies in each relationship, but I think one of the problems that we face is that the person who broke "us" is the person least capable of actually repairing what they broke.

Sometimes working together in this type of thing doesn't work because the other partner can't do their part effectively.

My FWS for instance, frequently, forgot birthdays, anniversaries, other special things. I thought it was just amusing however. After the details of her affair came to light, it was no longer amusing. She still has the same problem, I just don't see it the same way.

We have talked about it, I have told her, explicitly how shitty it makes me feel, but it does not change. I really think she just doesn't think of those things. Or if she does, she thinks of them differently.

The same thing happens to our emotional bond, a few years ago she asked me a question, I don't really know exactly what the question was today, but I do remember saying to her "sometimes you break something and there's no fixing it".

Throw me in that same boat. 3 years out and sex is just sex. My wife wants sex a lot, and I would too if I really had that original bond back with her. She's been very minimalistic in her work, and usually has to initiate sex. I enjoy it, but now I mostly just enjoy it for myself. It's sex, not making love. Something inside of me died when the affair came to light. Maybe I'll never get it back, I don't know. Honestly, I think I could just change my name to "I just don't know" wish I could have been more help here, but I just wanted to pass along that I feel your pain and too wonder what or how to get where we need to be.

Legatus, Standing here, and coping my best, thank you all. This thread has felt pretty bleak, I’ll admit, but I do feel less alone and less like something is wrong with me. Sometimes the level of pain and damage infidelity causes still takes me aback. I’m sorry that any of you have had to experience this level of pain, but I can’t say how much I appreciate all of you being willing to share. Thank you.

One thing I did to try to offset some of the discouraging aspects of this thread was to read through all the positive reconciliation stories posted from this year. I found them moving because none of them are cheap, happily ever after stories. They are stories of hard won kindness and acceptance and grace. I don’t know if I can or will gain back a capacity for romance—I don’t know how to even try. But I do have a vision of how to strive for other things I value, so maybe I just need to focus on that.

I really relate to these posts and the idea of vulnerability hangover.

With that in mind, I'm exploring EMDR in hopes of sorting out what may be trauma-induced fear of being hurt vs. healthy caution during the process of R (when healing is still happening and work is being done, but there isn't yet enough to feel that the partner has become safe).

My other personal thought on this issue is that I need to weigh what I value in the relationship more: If/when enough growth and healing has occured that I know logically that I "should" be able to trust my partner, then I will need to either make peace with the risk I run in tearing down my emotional barrier and knowingly opening myself up to risking potential heartbreak and trauma again (a very tall order now since I know the toll it takes) or keep the barrier up that blocks some levels of emotional intimacy and make peace with a less-than-fully-connected marriage.

I know my preference would be the former--partially because I feel confident in my resilience.

I'm certainly not at a point where I'm willing to try to take down that wall yet, but it's something I would be willing to do if/when we are further in R.

I found them moving because none of them are cheap, happily ever after stories.

I guess I will be the cheesy one then .

I can only speak for ME...but from early on in my healing I decided I was going to FIGHT...for ME . I felt that THEY took enough from me...I would be DAMNED if I would let them take anymore!!! I didn't start off fighting for romance...that was the furthest thing from my mind at that point. I needed to combat the onslaught of mind movies and triggers first.

I likened it to a bull in a China shop sometimes...but when I felt a trigger coming on...I faced it head on...DARING it to try and get the better of me. I was determined to OWN this A and every trigger that came with it...and By God I did it !! I was on a MISSION...and it fueled me...pushed me...kept me going for the first few years. It was exhausting at times. But when I was able to OWN a trigger...it was exhilarating !! As I owned one...I moved on to another one...knowing I COULD own them ALL!

Once I was able to conquer the triggers I started looking to what else I could do . I have written about how my H and I had watched the 1965 version of Rodgers and Hammerstein's Cinderella with Lesley Ann Warren. It used to come on every year when I was growing up and I absolutely LOVED IT ! One of our children got me the DVD of it as a present...and as my H and I were watching it...tears just streamed down my face because I remembered how I felt as a young child thinking about this...and how MY fairytale M would never come true . My H held me in his arms and told me how sorry he was that he ruined my fairytale M . He then told me that he was going to make it his life's mission to give me my happily ever after. He has held true to that promise .

One day I started thinking about fairytales...and I wrote about it on here. ALL fairytales have some kind of tragedy in them...sometimes multiple things that are really UNFAIR...like in Cinderella's case. But in the end...they all live Happily Ever After . Interesting.

I've seen it written on here what line many BS's will draw. Some refuse to ever forgive their WS. Or they won't even pass by a town where the adultery co-conspirator lives. There is NOTHING wrong with any CHOICE that a person does in order to help them HEAL. I just knew that for ME...none of those choices would work. Like Julia Roberts said in "Pretty Woman"...I want the fairytale . In order to do that...I HAVE to be vulnerable to my H. That means I COULD get hurt by him again. BUT...there's always a BUT ...what if I don't??? WHAT IF...this time...I would get my Happily Ever After? The ONLY way to know is to GO FOR IT ! If I do...and he cheats again...I already went through that and survived...TWICE in two different M's. I can do that again. BUT...IF I do...and he lives up to his promise...WOW !!! As Lewis Carroll once said, "IN THE END… We only regret the chances we didn’t take, the relationships we were afraid to have,and the decisions we waited too long to make." As they say down here...NEAUX REGRETS !!

For ME...positivity helped more than negativity. I didn't look at what I couldn't do...I looked at what could be done. It is subtle but huge . And...I didn't want to settle for mediocre.

After describing ALL of that...I will end with what you really want to know !! It IS hard to be vulnerable again...but it brings the greatest reward when it is reciprocated . There's something really intimate about that. When intimacy comes back...romance will follow . It will take TIME...at least in MY case it did. It will take WORK also. If things don't move forward then that is alright too. But if you WANT romance...you have to work TOWARD romance. Just like with anything else that you WANT . BOTH parties have to be ALL IN for this though. It can't be a one-sided effort.

I can say ALL of this because I am almost 10 years out and my H has been right alongside me doing his part. I was NOT like this for probably the first 3 years. I would say it took the better part of 3 years before I felt comfortable enough to decide that D was completely OFF the table. It took me 7 years before I could say I was completely HEALED from the devastation that my H's A caused. My H was ALL IN from the start...and even though there were a few setbacks here and there...he never broke NC...and he never threatened to leave or say that it was too much for him to deal with. I also found my faith again and God has gotten us through our darkest days. We are so THANKFUL that God gave us both MANY second chances !

There is no "right or wrong" answer. We each have to do what we feel is right for US. What I did worked for ME. My HOPE is that you can find YOUR way to what works perfectly for YOU .

Wow! W2BHA: THIS IS AN AMAZING POST! I just want you to know you have made an impact on my day…
It has not been bad, but is now feeling like a good one. Your post really helped me see some of the good things I have not noticed in my own R story. I love fairy tale stories, and superhero’s. But I’m a little too fond of Batman🤣 And that is whole different topic. But I want you to know, your post has me believing again that happily ever after is possible. It just may not look like what I imagined it to. Thank you.

Your posts are always uplifting, want2Be, and I admit I was hoping you’d stop by this thread with some of your positivity and wisdom. I also found it encouraging that it took you time to get there. I’ve realized that I might be on the slower end of the spectrum as far as healing time goes, but I don’t mind it taking time as long as I’m making progress.

One thing that I feel a little stuck on is how to be vulnerable, like the actual nuts and bolts of how to do it. I don’t feel like I’m actively choosing not to be vulnerable or consciously putting up walls, thereby shutting out the possibility of romance. It’s more like I used to love to crochet, but then my hands got cut off. The stumps are healed over, but that doesn’t mean I can crochet when someone tries to give me yarn and a hook. In fact, it just makes me sad; I’d rather not be reminded of crocheting because it’s not something I can do anymore.

[This message edited by Grieving at 2:45 AM, Wednesday, March 20th]

I am certainly not as upbeat as WTBHA but I will say I don’t feel the way that has been described by most above. I do relate to the idea of a vulnerability hangover in the sense that this vulnerability has been exhausting. But, throughout the roller coaster ride of the last 8 years I have remained intensely engaged in loving my husband romantically-and I feel like it goes both ways. We did not really have that intense connection in the ten years preceding his cheating. In many ways I had stopped liking him very much. I found him self righteous and holier than thou. Since his massive life changing fuckup he has become a broken person but a better person. We go on romantic vacations, celebrate anniversaries birthdays etc with more intensity than we ever did. We were both soooo caught up in our professions and trying to create a sickeningly perfect life. I miss my old confidence, trusting nature and carefree attitude but I prefer the person he is today. He is more kind and attentive, more aware of his flaws. He has more humility. I haven’t completely given myself over to to the idea we will be together forever. I am not always sure I can live with the person who created this injury, who didn’t see that he was stabbing me in the back. I feel like he is saying that he didn’t know that murder will not result in people dying. How do you not know that infidelity will destroy your marriage? And yet part of me actually believes he really was this stupid-because I used to be able to see the emotional stupidity In my view his worst self is not someone who is completely safe. But he seems to be no longer his worst self. His best self is a joy to be around. His in the middle self is pretty good too. I am waiting to see if I can be convinced that his worst self is fully tamed and can no longer do harm. Jury is still out. In the meantime it feels like we are in love and more deeply bonded than we were in our early years, especially after kids. Anyway, i’m not sure if this is helpful to anyone. Normally I wouldn’t want to say "see how great things are!". That’s really not my thing. But, to the extent there are folks who read here who might assume ALL post-infidelity situations are characterized by a dissipation of love, I wanted to point out that there are some other varieties.

I heard a military special operator once say "fear is a mile wide and a foot deep. Once you jump into it, you realize you are not going to drown, even though it looks like an ocean." The only way to get over the fear of vulnerability is to wade into the fear. You can choose to do that with your fWS, or with a new spouse or partner. Either way, you have to get past the fear of being in a relationship again that is not just surface deep.

All of us who have been betrayed, have lost the innocence of thinking that it could not happen to us. It did. We can either emerge from it stronger, or beaten, but the choice is ours.

I chose to be courageous with my fWW. We have gone on some great trips, we have gone on a ton of dates, and we are intimate. It is not perfect. Even in the "throws of passion" fear can rear it's ugly head. I bet, if I am honest, a similar fear would be there if I was with another woman, so moving on to another spouse would not solve my fear. If I dwell on fear, it can ruin everything, so I don't. Sometimes, I even address it with her. I cannot live in fear. Life is too short.