SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I ruined a Valentine’s Day moment.

I am hyper vigilant and highly sensitive when things seem off since the discovery December 2019. Husband is doing the work and I haven’t had any confirmation in years. I have all passwords, access to phone records VAR and other means to check. Nothing has been confirmed in years.

So Valentine’s Day morning, my husband was acting strangely near his nightstand. I immediately said he must be waiting for me to get out oh the room so he can quickly text her. So I left the bedroom and came back quickly. He seemed to be still kinda milling around oddly. So I did left quickly again and returned and still he seemed odd. So I just asked "what are you doing"? He started walking to the bathroom and said getting ready. So I reached for his phone and shoved it in his face and said "you need this?"

He looked heartbroken. He walked over to the nightstand and said he was reaching for this. He pulled out a Tiffany box and said Happy Valentines Day honey. Kissed me and hugged me. He said he wanted to have the box sitting on my pillow when I returned from making our lunches. He then told me I have his whole heart and I never have to worry about him effing up again. Kissed me again and went on to take a shower.

I want to let my guard down but I just don’t think I can.

Anyway- please tell me pure moments eventually return without that destructive film of the fear of betrayal.

Howcthappen

You're five or so years "out" from the revelation your husband cheated?

I hate to be a downer - you have a memory for life and trust - 100% - is gone forever.
Activity that "before" would have gone UN-noticed - now is a trigger.

I'm DECADES out from my experience. Trust - just not there - 90% or more for sure but sometimes something in brain triggers the red flag.

I would silently not mention your concern and just observe. Some things appear fishy as we are now predisposed to frame the observed action negatively. By waiting you learn some measure of trust when you find your suspicion untrue.

I like to think it's like the first time you give the car keys to your teenager and watch them drive away. It is very scary but one has to live life as it comes. - and let people live their life their own way - our choice is not so much to push them but to observe and, if their way becomes inconsistent with our tenants, disassociate from them so that our brain and being can survive and be happy.

Hey OP. Your post was a tough one to read for me. I'm sad that you have been put in the position where trauma has informed your world to such a degree. Just remember. You didn't do this to yourself. It sounds like your FWH handled the situation without being reactive. Hope things get better.

The traumatized brain and heart need time of healing and reassurances to start to let the guard down. It sounds like what happened on Valentine’s Day might help you take a step forward. Meaning, when you are proven "wrong" and you see your WH’s genuine heart toward you,it might help you to take a brick off the wall you’ve built. I am so glad that all ended well. It does sound like your husband is trying to prove his love for you. I wish you and your husband all the best.

After the "surprise" of DDay, many BSs don't want any more surprises, good or bad. Surprises necessitate secrets. We pick up on the weird vibe, think the worst, our adrenaline and cortisol spikes, and it's just not fun anymore.

I hate to be a downer - you have a memory for life and trust - 100% - is gone forever

I don’t see this as a downer. Everyone here who had 100 percent trust was cheated on — 100 percent trust, as it turns out, is NEVER a good idea.

It’s a hard lesson learned. But now I trust me — most of the time.

With my marriage, I trust but verify. And I found I have to verify less and less as the years go by.

Anyway- please tell me pure moments eventually return without that destructive film of the fear of betrayal

My reforged and rebuilt relationship is about as pure as it gets — but I think we all have unique versions of pure.

I equate pure with real or authentic, and I have that everyday, and the first day I don’t have that, it will be time for me to leave.

Pure for me, is that I don’t have to pretend nothing happened, I don’t have to hide any of my feelings or wear masks or walk on egg shells.

I ask for what I want, I set and enforce boundaries and I choose to be all in — as does my wife.

Howcthappen, I think you can only get to pure if that’s your goal and your husband does a more consistent job of making you feel safe, or as safe as possible.

I give my wife room to be thoughtful, and that took me some time, to learn to give her more chances to do good things.

How cynical was I? I used to correct my wife every time she said she loved me — and I would add, "Not always."

I did that for almost three years. Then I started to give my wife credit for the things she was learning, and changing.

Trust this: Your guard will be up for the rest of your life. Infidelity is emotional trauma that you will be wary of even if you start over with someone new. As I said above, I’m glad I don’t trust 100 percent, it never served me well.

However, you can also focus on the good that happens today too.

The focus on the kind acts toward each other adds up if both of you are trying to find a way back to each other.

R is very difficult, and both partners have to be vigilant about wanting something better.

Your post says 'PTSD!' to me. That's not your fault, but you may not recover unless you address your PTSD directly.

Sorry - I've forgotten - are you in IC? If so, are you with an IC who's equipped to help you recover from trauma? If not, I urge you to seek help from someone experienced in helping people with PTSD - maybe someone certified in EMDR.

Also, I urge you to search the web on 'emotional freedom technique'. That' something you can do yourself, and it works ... but I like having a guide, so IC with a trauma specialist is my 1st choice.

Old Wounds

I have a sarcastic sound track going on inside my head. Every now and then something pops out. But I'm learning to give grace. He's really trying and I don't want to do anything carelessly to jeopardize it.

Trumansworld-

I have a sarcastic sound track going on inside my head. Every now and then something pops out. But I'm learning to give grace. He's really trying and I don't want to do anything carelessly to jeopardize it.

Careless is one thing -- just make sure you're processing some of that hard earned anger. A little patience and kindness does go a long way, as long as you don't have to bury ANY of your feelings to get there. Truman's world is a great forum name too -- as all of us have to recover after living in the alternate reality of infidelity.

I hope your healing continues!

I want to let my guard down but I just don’t think I can.

Anyway- please tell me pure moments eventually return without that destructive film of the fear of betrayal.

Lizard brain at its finest . The GOOD news is that the response your Husband gave was a calming experience for the next time . This is actually the ONLY way our lizard brains can get retrained...through what we experience. So...this experience didn't ROB you...you probably may have GAINED something from it that was far more valuable than what was in that Tiffany box !

You wanting to let your guard down but not thinking that you can is very true. Our limbic system...or lizard brain...can't be controlled by logic...only by experience. It is actually quite fascinating to read about! Our primitive limbic system keeps track of EVERY experience we have...whether it was 10 minutes ago or 10 years ago...it doesn't matter. It then instinctively comes back when we need it most...reflexively. This is what gives us our fight, flight, or freeze responses. You were definitely in FIGHT mode that day...for good reason! But the next similar experience may not get you so riled up. If your Husband responds as superbly as he did this time...your lizard brain will calm down even more .

It doesn't ever go away though. My 2nd H cheated on me almost 30 years to the day that I caught my 1st H cheating on me for the 2nd time . When my 2nd H confessed to his A...my lizard brain took over. It was like I was watching a movie. I immediately told him our M was over...NO emotion whatsoever. I then got up to leave the room...and told him to contact the adultery co-conspirator so that they could discuss their future because our future was DONE. Within an hour...we were talking about R...but I don't know if it would have happened that quickly if my H didn't get the SHOCK of his life from my response to his confession on Dday. He told me later that he expected me to cry and scream and maybe even lash out...but seeing NO emotion from me really rattled him !

To this day I am so proud of the way I handled myself...but at the same time...it wasn't ME! That person was NOT the person who I AM!! I don't act that way!!! After reading about a post called the "limbic lag" on here one day...I started doing research on it and found out WHY I acted the way I did on my Dday this last time. It was from the very HORRIBLE experience I had from my 1st M and the cheating husband I had over THIRTY YEARS before !!

So now...I see it as kind of a superpower ! I truly HOPE I never have to experience another Dday. But I KNOW that if I do...there is a BADASS inside of me who is going to take care of business!!! The same is true for YOU Dear Lady . Hopefully your Husband will keep giving you calming experiences to bring you peaceful responses . But you now have a STRENGTH inside of you...born from adversity...that will respond when needed. Let's just hope she will be able to have a peaceful slumber for a LONG while...hopefully forever .