SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

On 29th December my husband took the dog for a walk about 6pm. I told him I was going to have an early night because I was so tired. I heard him come back at about 7pm and after that I could hear his voice but not what was being said. I assumed he was talking to someone on the phone. By 8pm I still couldn't get to sleep so I got up and went into the living room. There was my new friend on the sofa with him and she was giving him a hand job. He said "I'm sorry", she stood up and literally ran out of my home, and I told him to pack his bags and get out. He began fumbling around in a drawer for his money and I went to our 23 year old son's room to tell him what had happened. He stayed the night at his brothers house but he and my son kept in touch by phone during the night. My husband admitted to my son that it had been going on for about two to three months. The following morning I allowed him to come home and said we could work it out as two or three months is better than two or three years. Also we are not far off our Silver Wedding Anniversary and I didn't want to waste all those happy years we had. Our son is autistic too and thinks the absolute world of his Dad. He took it quite badly when he heard and started to smash up his room. Anyway the episode has left me with a doctor's diagnosis of PTSD which I now have medication for. We are trying to overcome this but I still cry nearly every day and I keep asking questions about the why/when/where of the affair. He is being honest with me as far as I can tell, and he has cut all ties with his other woman. Am I doing the right thing in letting him come some? By the way we are both 60 and she is 42, young enough to be his daughter. Thank you for reading my story.

Are you doing the right thing is really up to your needs and desires. You have a long relationship and children together and for some people it makes sense to try to R in that situation rather than move to immediate D. As far as letting him come home, how is that impacting you right now? Do you think you would be recovering better if you were separated for a period of time? Everyone in your situation feels horrible but sometimes some space can either ease pressure or increase it.

Technically you can't legally kick him out of the house but if he is willing to stay with family, it's certainly an option.

IMHO, I think you have offered R too quickly. Its a mistake I made. The reason I say this is that cheaters lie, and it is rare that a BS has the full truth (or fullest) on Dday. Usually, cheaters will trickle-truth, claiming that their intention is to spare their partner additional pain. That is, off course, total crap. They do it for their own self interest. Plus, you need to consider that this has been going on longer than he admits, or it may be more serious. Plus, this might not be his first rodeo.

Another reason that you should slow down, is that you need to process this trauma. You are still in the shock phase and how you feel now may be very different from how you feel later. Healing is a non-linear journey and it can be a rocky one.

The last reason to slow down is that R is a gift. Your WH needs to feel like he has worked for it and has done so at a cost. He needs to feel the consequences of his actions or he may think that he has dodgedca bullet and gotten away with it. You can almost, but not certainly, guarantee a repeat of this in the future.

My recommendation is to read the pinned posts for initial advice, and read as many older posts as you can find, including the other forums. This will help you realize that you are not alone and that cheater behaviour follows a pretty common arc.

Keep posting as wiser members will add to this thread. Good luck.

I, too, think it's too early to commit to R. That doesn't mean D, but it does mean that you first start your own healing and 2nd observe your H to make sure he's a good candidate for R. I do think R is possible - but protecting yourself is more important than D or R at this point. It's time to figure out what you want and to observe your WS, even though I think the odds of R are good for you. A lot of goo bonds are built in 25 years, and they make R eminently possible if you are both willing to do the necessary work.

Have you seen Shirley Glass's NOT "Just Friends"? I recommend getting a copy and reading it. I think it will help you understand your power and your options.

Welcome to SI and sorry that you have a reason to be here. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that you may find helpful. Also, the Healing Library has a lot of great information and includes the list of acronyms we use.

Your WH (wayward husband) needs to read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It's fairly short, but is a blueprint of some things he needs to do.

I still cry nearly every day and I keep asking questions about the why/when/where of the affair.

This is your brain trying to process the trauma. It's fairly normal, but it is hell. If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist may be beneficial. You may find EMDR helpful, as it has been found helpful for people with PTSD.

It will take some time for you to process through all of this. Your search for the reason why can drive you crazy because you will be trying to find logic in an illogical situation.

Generally, we suggest that IC for you to heal, IC for him to work on his "whys" and learn how to be a safe partner. After both have healed, then you may wish to do MC. The marriage didn't cheat - he did. It is important for him to do the work to find out his whys, or he will only repeat the behavior.

Am I doing the right thing in letting him come home?

That is going to be your decision. For some, an A is a dealbreaker. For others, their WS (wayward spouse) pulls their head out of their behind, do the work, and can become a great partner again.

Watch his actions to see if they will align with his words. Words are cheap. You can say anything, but if you're not backing that up by the appropriate actions, then the words are meaningless.

My XWH (wayward ex-husband) couldn't/wouldn't do the work, and I filed for D a week before our 34th anniversary. Don't make longevity the sole reason why you stay.

Ma'am, I am so sorry for the trauma you are enduring. I too was betrayed by my spouse and my friend. Up to the point of the betrayal, I consideted him my best friend actually and then cut him out of my life forever.

Now, here is where I want to caution you. Dont move fast in any direction. Dont try to "fix" anything right now. The only thing I encourage you to do right now is get support and drastically increase your level of self care. Confide in close and trusted family and friends. Find a therapist that specializes in betrayal trauma. Eat right, hydrate with H2O and alternate with a good sport drink for electrolytes. Use sleep aids if needed. Anything to bolster yourself right now. Glad you went to the Dr. for help with the depression.

I dont think its bad you had him come home. You couldnt keep him away legally anyway and you need help with your son. Id keep some distance between you now until you have clarity. Kind of an in house seperation. Hard to do but you need your space. Read here about the 180.

And keep posting here. Listen to these good folks. They have traveled the difficult path (to say the least) you are now traversing and though my betrayal is in my rearview, I remember the terrible pain, rage and depression of those days. I wish to God I had a resource like SI back then.....

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 8:53 PM, Wednesday, January 10th]

He brought his AP to your house while you’re home?!?

I would bet a paycheck that he has done worse out of the house.

That’s some brazen shit right there. Usually people poop in the corner where they think others won’t. He just took a dump in your favorite chair.

When the lights come on, you will start finding the poops in the corner.

I’m sorry.

Ps I’m 11 years out, now married 24 years. I get it.

[This message edited by 3yrsout at 7:33 PM, Wednesday, January 10th]

Too early to commit to R, to offer a that hope to your partner. He will use that hope as a wedge to manipulate you, to keep lying, to hide and minimize. I say this as someone who offered too early, and who also caught them in the act.

Not saying you can’t R eventually, I am saying that offering R too early actually gets in the way of true R, because the necessary and eventual ripping off of the bandage of lies gets delayed.

Imo, too early. Please don’t rugsweep just to rush to get back to "normal." Nothing will ever be normal again after this.

If he was confident enough to bring his AP home while you and the kids were there, I have a sneaking suspicion that this wasn’t the first time.

Take care of yourself for now. Pay attention to his actions more than his words

[This message edited by Forks027 at 8:42 PM, Wednesday, January 10th]

You have just suffered an incredible blow. Infidelity trauma is profound. You will not be thinking clearly for some time. In some cases, the desire to return to normal is extreme and difficult to manage. The same goes for the WS, many times. You both wanting this terrible thing to never have happened, and to return to your pre-discovery normal, compounds the potential for rug sweeping. You will be seriously tempted to rug sweep this nightmare and you will be pressured to do so by your WS, and many times, also by friends and family.

DO NOT DO THIS.

Take things very slowly at first, allow the initial shock to ebb somewhat before making big decisions like committing to R. It’s ok to hear his proposal for R, to consider it, but give yourself some time to settle, to process, to get support systems in place, to perform a damage assessment, assess the scope of the betrayal, to research options and consider outcomes.

And then, when you feel ready, there is a very methodical approach to reconciliation.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 11:07 PM, Wednesday, January 10th]

DO NOT OFFER RECONCILIATION.

The fact that this "man" brought another woman into YOUR home period is divorce-worthy. The fact he brought her in when you were home??? Something is really wrong with him, more so than the usual cheating lying liar who lies.

At the very least, take a month away from him. It will be hard, but do it. Do not pick-me dance, do not hysterically bond.

I am yet again "chumped" after what I thought was a good couple of years of reconciliation. If I had it to do over again, I would have left the first time I even sniffed infidelity (of course, I just found out he lied to me for the last 12ish years or so.)

Look around this site... you will see many, MANY "Back again after <n> years."

People don't get character transplants.

If he did this once (or however many times he's done it... I read somewhere years ago that by the time the BS finds out about an affair, the cheater is on average on his/her 3rd affair. I just found out how true that statistic is.) and you take him back without him doing ALL. THE. WORK.* he knows you can be manipulated.

Kick his ass out and start filing. You don't have to go through with it if he suddenly has a come to Jesus moment (he won't, but he may act like it.) In the mean time, be prepared for lies, lies, more lies, gaslighting, insults, blame-shifting, and scary anger. Oh, and the "poor me, I fucked up my life" self pity crap.

I am so sorry you're here. If you read around enough, you'll find many of us who wished we'd reclaimed our lives years/decades ago from our cheating abusers (cheating is ABUSE!) You will not find anyone who wishes they hadn't divorced their fuckwit cheater.

*std tests, therapy, post-nup, written timeline confirmed with polygraph, all contact info (so you can inform other BS if there is one), shared passwords, etc. Do not negotiate on any of this. Please. Be smarter than most of the rest of us who have suffered through multiple DDays. You will be so much happier 5-10 years down the road without him than you will be playing marriage police or having DDay 2-15zillion.

I know it seems a bit fast to let him come back but I did it for a variety of reasons.
1. Our autistic son was going ballistic that he left, and also because I asked him to leave. He is about 6ft 3inches and 16 stone. I can't cope with him on my own. All 5ft 3inches of me. My husband had always been able to handle him better.
2. My husband is our 24 hour carer. I have chronic fibromyalgia which has basically disabled me. I am unable to stand on my feet beyond a couple of minutes before I am in agony. This means that my husband has also taken on the role of housewife. The choice to be a carer and housewife was his own choice many years ago, although I tried to tell him it was too early yet. I think he may be a bit sick of the role now.

He stopped having sex with me approximately 2011 when my Dad died. He has always said it was because he didn't want to hurt me. He moved out of our bed approximately 2013 saying that his snoring was upsetting me (it wasnt), also that me tossing and turning was stopping him getting his full rest. We got a sofa bed for him. I spent many lonely nights sobbing about the situation. However I am absolutely certain he was true to me. We lived in our own house in a town then. We moved to the village where we are now in 2018. It is more in the countryside with long walks and fields available for the dog. It seems he met her while on a dog walk. She is severely depressed and has attempted suicide a few times. He is a very caring compassionate person and he would be something of a shoulder to cry on. He was very upfront with me about talking to her. We have both been through depression and know how it feels. Anyway, I sent her a friend request on Facebook and she accepted. About a week before Christmas she came for a coffee with me and I really took to her, thinking I had a new friend. On the Thursday night the 28th December we were both talking her down from suicide. On the29th December I discovered them.
So that's the back story.
What's happening now.
We have talked at length albeit in small manageable snippets. We both want to make our marriage work. He ditched her and cut her out of his life completely. Our son goes out on dog walks with hi. Just to ensure they are not meeting up. He has cancelled all his social media and deleted her phone number and it looks like she has done the same. He is being very transparent and offers to let me inspect his phone. He has also given me a get out clause that if I ever feel I can't continue with the marriage I can tell him and he will leave. He says he loves me but has never loved her. Whether this bits true I'm not sure but he said she was holding suicide over his head saying she would kill herself if he left her. I believe she would say that, but hey ho there are no funeral noticed in our local paper so she hasn't done it. He said he was frightened in case she killed herself, but also frightened of me.
We talked about all the missing years from 2011 to now as I described a couple of paragraphs ago. Tomorrow he and our son are going to rearrange the bedroom so that the bed has access from both sides. At the moment it is butted up against the wall. He will move back into bed and we have both agreed to resume sex when it feels natural to do so and not force the issue. Things have been much better lately as we are now sitting together cuddled up on the sofa to watch TV instead of on separate sofas. In all other aspects he has been, and still is, a fantastic husband and I love him so much. I believe him when he says he loves me.I look at it that I love him but hate the behaviour and I don't hate him. Be assured though that I have let him know clearly and in a no nonsense way that it had better not ever happen again. I think it gave him the kick up the arse that he needed when he found out that he had caused me to have Put Traumatic Stress Disorder. I also let him know how much he had let himself and his own morals down as he has always been dead against cheaters.In bringing her back to our home for a coffee I have a feeling he was hoping to get caught out so that he could get away from her. That's just a feeling I have but it seems logical because excuse me for putting it this way but who the hell sh*ts on their own doorstep. I think he just didn't know how to end it. He says the whole affair consisted of only two hand jobs, never full sex.
Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for all your help and advice. Wish me luck as we go forward in trying to salvage the marriage.

He moved out of our bed approximately 2013 saying that his snoring was upsetting me (it wasnt), also that me tossing and turning was stopping him getting his full rest. We got a sofa bed for him. I spent many lonely nights sobbing about the situation. However I am absolutely certain he was true to me.

With this scenario that you described, in the brazen behavior, which is beyond the pale, I have to agree with previous posters, if he's willing to do this, when you are home, what was he willing to do when you were not around?

It may not be helpful, but you probably need to search a little deeper.

The depths of betrayal are hard to understand, you can look at our profiles for some of our experiences, but in the meantime, I would suggest you do a lot of reading before you offer reconciliation.

The bottom line is, most of us who were betrayed trust in our spouses.

You two have a ton of stress in your life and not a lot of intimacy. I hope you can work together on both.

As far as "don't offer R too soon", I would adjust that to "don't rugsweep". It's fine to want R if that's what you want. But realize that he needs to change, he needs to fix his issues and that takes effort and action. True R means you work through the issues from the A, you don't ignore them and hope it all gets better. He should be reading and receiving counseling. Then perhaps marriage counseling for both of you if you think he has made progress on himself.

Thank you Trdd. What you have said is what is happening here at the moment. I have bought loads of books which have been recommended here on this site. I have noticed the difference between reconciliation and rugsweeping. Everything he is doing is in the reconciliation list. He is owning his indiscretion and not trying to backheel it. I haven't needed to ask to see his phone because he offered it to me. I don't have a mobile phone so I don't really know how to use them but he is teaching me and said I can use it or examine it whenever I want. My son says I'm not being hoodwinked about anything I'm being taught. There is total transparency. He is sincerely apologising. He is courting me again and treating me like a princess. He is kissing me and cuddling me. We both cuddle up on the sofa together now to watch TV in the evening instead of being on separate sofas. Basically everything from the reconciliation list is happening and nothing from the rugsweeping list is happening. We are going on little dates together. We can't afford much as we have just had Christmas but we are having a little drive out in the car. Things like that.
Thank you for your reply.

In order to successfully reconcile, the ws has to work on themselves.

Is he in IC?

Is he accountable for his time when away from you?

Is he being proactive in healing the damage he has caused you, himself, and the marriage?

Has be removed any potential triggers? The room where you caught them will forever be painful. What is he going to do to change that room?

He's doing some things right. But a lot of what he is doing is called love bombing. He's wooing you. It feels nice, but it's not making him a safe person. It's like putting a bandaid on a bullet wound.

It's extremely unfortunate that you know nothing about cell phones. I highly recommend you get your own,and learn about it, without his help. Showing you how to look at it is fine,but that means he also knows how to hide things on his own phone from you.

Cheaters lie. Especially when caught. Please don't be so quick to trust him. Dday was a few days ago.

Also, cheaters need consequences. He knows you won't leave. He knows he can cheat,in his own house,his wife will see it,and she will,within days, tell him it's ok, and let it go. That's a dangerous lesson to teach a man who was freshly caught.

The standard,minimum requirements for reconciliation often include..

Full transparency. You get full access to all accounts and the phone. Passwords included.

Complete honesty, at all times.

He answers all of your questions without anger or defensiveness. And no blame.

He gets into IC to figure out why he cheated, so he can learn to coping mechanisms, so he has a less chance of cheating again.

Std tests. You get the results from the doctor. Yes, he says it was a few hand jobs. Cheaters lie.

He goes NC with ow.

And anything else you need to feel a bit safer.

True reconciliation is a process. It takes years.

Do not tell him about this site.

I don't know if it's been mentioned, but it's extremely disturbing that this woman was suicidal(you know this to be true,as you spent an evening with her,talking her down), and he took advantage of a vulnerable,fragile woman, and received sexual favors from her. Don't get me wrong..she was also wrong,and 100% responsible for her actions. But that doesn't mean he didn't clearly take advantage of the situation.

[This message edited by HellFire at 11:42 AM, Friday, January 12th]

Wronged wife, I’m so sorry you are here. I hope that you are taking care of yourself. Betrayal and infidelity are hard to heal from. It’s a long, up and down process.

Unfortunately, I'm with those who think it’s likely you don’t know the whole truth. Getting a hand job in your own house while your wife is there is brazen. It feels likely to be part of a larger pattern of infidelity and illicit sexual behaviors that have eroded his conscience and common sense.

You’re in a vulnerable position, and I understand your willingness to let him back into your house and to reconcile. And his re-investment in the marriage may be sincere, at least for now. But I don’t think you know everything. Not by a long shot.

I am very sorry this happened to you.

This is very important.

"Std tests. You get the results from the doctor." Also for a friend who is dealing with this we are looking into a private std testing service that specializes in std tests for higher risk situations. Or a doctor who is well trained in these matters.
It’s been my experience that general doctors can tend to be misinformed, too busy or uncomfortable with this sort of thing. We decided on a 10 test std panel because of their risk level so they could put it all to rest or deal with it.

All I can share is my experience… but I very much regret being sexually intimate with EX WH after finding out. It risked my fragile health. Also he used it against me in many ways to manipulate the situation and outcome.

An untrustworthy person does not become a safe partner when caught. Ask me how I know. On here one can see the significant effort and time it takes.

I’m sorry you’re here.

I am appalled that your WS would dare to engage in this behavior in such a public area of your home, especially with you and your son on the premises.

He does not respect you or your marriage, despite nearing your silver anniversary.

His ass would be out of the house if it were me. He can go and stay with twinkle toes. You cannot think straight about next steps with him underfoot, and he needs a nice big dose of reality.

No f’ing way.