SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’ve been reading through a lot of posts on the sight. It’s been 2 months since dday and about 3 since my suspicion started. We have agreed to R, he is remorseful and reiterates constantly that he wants to work this out. We both are in IC and MC together. 3 therapies a week, it’s heavy right now. But what I’m reading is at least temporarily, most people removed their WH/WW from the home. I did not. My mother is currently living with us and I didn’t really want anyone to suspect anything. I also lived in fear that if I kicked him out it’d just give him more time with her.

But did I mess up a real chance of R without taking the space from him? Can he feel truly sorry and feel the weight of what he did without me going NC? Or mostly NC anyway. We have children so full NC would be impossible.

Has anyone successfully made it to R while remaining in the same home the entire time?

This may not be the answer you want to hear, but I think not separating was my biggest mistake. I didn't create this sh*t show, obviously. But I did make the decision to not separate and I wish I would have.

I think not separating sent a message that I was willing to put up with too much, that I was willing to be too accommodating, that I would be the one to be flexible and shift to accommodate this grenade he'd thrown into our relationship.

I wish I would have, at the bare minimum, had him move to different part of the house and said, "You figure out how to fix this. I'm going to take care of myself and the kids. If you want a shot at R, you do the work and I guess we'll see."

Instead, I did way too much. And I'm so embarrassed about this, because it utterly failed. I found books we read together. I found videos to watch together. How did this require change from him? It didn't really.

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My mother is currently living with us and I didn’t really want anyone to suspect anything.

Many of us made this mistake--- protecting the image of our cheating spouses from family out of shame, embarassment, hope for R... pick one or add your own. They are all coming from the same source.... fear.

This is the bigger mistake, I think, than not separating.

Affairs thrive on secrecy, and the absolute best thing you can do for an unrepentant cheating spouse is to help them keep the A a secret. This aids them in avoiding consequences for their actions, something they depserately want.

If you have a repentant spouse, then surely they are fully committed to not only making amends to you, but also to all those who love you, whom they also have betrayed through their actions. And so, they will humbly submit themselves to a world where everyone knows what they have done.

The very last thing Adulterers want is their affair to be made public. We betrayed are all too often complicit in the coverup and rugsweeping, without really realizing it.

But this is his cross to bear, and not yours.

I didn't separate. IMO, it's harder to rebuild bonds when you're not together. It's also harder to ask questions. I usually woke up with questions, and I couldn't have asked them when they came up if my W weren't beside me.

Also, being together made it easier to test my W tp see if she really was going to follow through with her promise to heal herself.

If your WS isn't remorseful, separation may make sense, but with a remorseful WS, IMO staying together will help R, all other things being equal. IOW, if you want to separate for your own mental health, separation is probably a good idea, no matter what state your WS is in.

IOW, IMO not separating will not hinder R, if your WS is truly remorseful. A WS who has resolved to change from betrayer to good partner won't be affected by your staying or going....

I think it may be too early to commit to R. I think it's best to observe your WS to actually experience them stepping up and doing the hard work of changing before commiting to R. But is that 'messing up'? I don't think so - and its definitely no 'messing up irrevocably'. If you find yourself doing something that isn't working, you're free to change what you're doing.

*****

For example, do you have requirements for R? Observable requirements help you gauge how you're doing in R. If a requirement is 'no more lies, ever', and your WS lies, you know immediately that something is going wrong with R.

So ... if you have requirements, what are they? If you don't, my reco is to establish some, and see if your WS will sign on. If they won't, how will you R?

*****

The main way BSes mess up is to rugsweep. Are there areas that you shy away from? If so, talk about that in IC. IMO, the questions that most need to be asked are the ones that the BS fears.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:25 PM, Thursday, December 28th]

For me personally I deeply regret not kicking him out, especially since he offered to leave once I was finally able to drag a confession out of him. It would have given me the much needed time and space to think, to absorb what happened and get my thoughts together. Like you I was afraid it would send him straight into the arms of his married AP. I couldn't handle the thought of that but now, years later I think they deserved each other and it would have set me free.

I honestly think it all depends on individual circumstances. Is your WH truly remorseful or just putting on a show to keep his life intact? Did he admit the affair to you on his own or did you have to pull it out of him? Was it a long term affair? What is your state of mind and do you feel as if distance would help you? There are no time limits or frames to this, each experience is deeply personal and we all traverse this insanity differently. If you feel you need the time and space you take it and tell him that. He created this situation now he can deal with it.

Too many times the BS seems to be the one truly doing the heavy lifting here and that shouldn't be the case. You do what's best for you and focus on yourself not him. Were you a consideration when he was cheating? As for your mom or anyone else knowing that's not something you need to feel any shame over, and if you haven't told anyone close to you, you should. Support you need will be there. This wasn't and isn't your dirty secret to keep and you have a right to tell anyone you want to.

MalibuBayBreeze,

You summarized my thoughts exactly. I know, "If wishes were horses"... but my WW also offered to leave the house on DDAY.

I was so emotionally dependant I refused to let her go because, like you, I thought throwing her out would send her right in his arms. Because as every BS, we don't have the full picture of what's going on at that time (I wish I had found this forum long before the A...)

As I didn't kick her out, the torture started, she felt what she did had zero consequences on her, heck she even told me I could never prevent her from seeing the AP "as a friend", and I accepted as she was leaving me no choice (the stupid things we do...) I even let her go out on a last dinner date with him "to be able to break up cleanly". Yeah you can laugh at me, I do now myself anyway...

Had I thrown her out, I would have skipped a whole month of lies, of trickle truth, and most important thing of all, I would not have accessed her text exchanges with the AP (6 whole months of very explicit messages as she didn't erased them, even after DDAY... they broke me and are still the main reason R is very hard for me)

I kicked her out. Two times. But too late.

NeverSawItComing1921 ,

I still believe there's a chance of R when you have not been separated. But it's much harder... Getting kicked out helps the WS come in terms with the reality of the shit they've done. Without this, subconsciously they aren't facing the consequences.

[This message edited by iamjack at 10:43 AM, Friday, December 29th]

I also lived in fear that if I kicked him out it’d just give him more time with her.

If he is going to see her, where he is sleeping at night doesn’t matter. You used a past tense ‘lived’, do you still feel this way? R hasn’t started if you do. There is a saying ‘you need to risk the marriage to save the marriage’, if you ask for distance, ask to live apart and you simply cannot trust him (because his actions are untrustworthy, he just provides lip service) then he isn’t doing the work to be a safe partner for you. However, if you feel he will keep to boundaries when you’re not around then there is hope right?

[This message edited by LostInHisFog at 12:29 PM, Friday, December 29th]

We did not separate (but had planned to). Due to a death in the family my H needed to stay in our home. I had a change of heart at that moment about him leaving.

And yes we are happily R. But I did do the hard 180 towards him for months. I only spoke if kids were around. I didn’t cook him dinner. I didn’t do favors or errands. I STILL don’t do his laundry.

He got the message.

No, didn’t mess things up by not separating.
It’s not a given that separation can help reconciliation or help you decide if you want to d or r. Nor is it a given that not separating makes either option unavailable.

The key IMHO is for both of you to realize how delicate a marriage really is…
When you peel away the layers of excuses for why you should remain married there should only be one reason left deep in the middle: Because you want to be married to THIS person.

Remove every layer:
The kids? Nah… there are successful happy kids with divorced parents by the droves.
Finances? Nah… the process ensures you get a fair shake. You will survive.
Family? Nah… they will still be family.
Friends? Nah… some will follow him, some you, some will just slip away.
Fact is that divorce CAN lead you to a good and happy place. Just like a good marriage can lead you to a good and happy place…

I think that if both you and your husband realize what is at stake – that your marriage is a bit like a broken porcelain cup – and that if you don’t BOTH believe it can be fixed, and if you don’t both search for all the broken pieces and both do your part in gluing it together… then it won’t ever hold water again.

I think your reasoning for wanting a separation is based on giving him an example of what life would be without you. I think a better path might be for BOTH of you to realize:
A)You are only married because you want to be married. If he wants OP he has that option, but not as your husband.
B)That the only think keeping either of you in your relationship might be a belief that you can eventually piece that cup back together. Once one or both of you loses that hope, it’s over.

I think that once you both realize how delicate the situation is it can inspire you both to focus on the result.

Well, I think it's marriage-specific but we did separate on DDay 2 and it was helpful for *me* to have the space away from my WS.

Since I had decided to D, I spent that time re-starting IC, consulting a lawyer, and getting my ducks in a row. It was truly liberating.

Long story short everything "fell" (although it wasn't "fell" it was long and very difficult and took years) into place, but that was only after I felt like I had some clarity and began re-structuring my boundaries, goals, knew what I wanted and developed a plan of how to get it, with or without my H. I had lost sight of all of it, and it felt so good to get it back.

We are in "R" but my marriage comes *second* and always will, forevermore. And that's OK.

We didn't separate, but I did give him hell daily, so it wasn't an easy peasy road for him to travel. I also kicked him out for a night at a time, and through those infrequent stays at hotels, he had an idea of what his life would be like without us. He came home and told me some things he had been lying about.

iamjack

I even let her go out on a last dinner date with him "to be able to break up cleanly".

Did you really? I'm not laughing at all I just can't imagine doing that.

The would've could've should've feelings have been abundant over the years. When you're emotionally, physically and mentally spent after discovering or uncovering an affair it's impossible to make sane rational decisions. Ones you would think would come naturally when thinking what you would do in that situation. It's a completely different thing when you are actually in it.

I doubt anyone has navigated this perfectly and yes I also wish I had found this site during the years I was extremely suspicious. It would have been a game changer on many levels.

MalibuBayBreeze

Did you really? I'm not laughing at all I just can't imagine doing that.

Yup, that's me. In retrospect, I suppose the idea was that since she was so prompt to end the relationship when I told her to, and since she told me I had "no right" to prevent her from keeping him as a friend, well it seemed logical to help her put the A behind her and move on. I didn't want any "unfinished business" between them.

Still... a very, very stupid move on my part. At that time, like others, I didn't know I was the only one able to decide what was allowed and what wasn't.

[This message edited by iamjack at 6:16 PM, Friday, December 29th]

If R is truly want you want, not separating may make it easier. True, he will cheat if he wants to, but Jesus himself could have come down and promised me he quit seeing her, but if he wasn’t living under my roof I’d not have believed even Jesus’ words!

iamjack

Sent you a PM

Ic is a start. It really depends on how honest he is with the IC.

What else is he doing to become a safe partner?

And, while it's true that eventually you will have to also do the work to R, right now..at 2 months out..you need to recover first. Which means taking care of yourself. If he wants to attempt reconciliation, he needs to be doing the heavy lifting right now. He needs to be proactive in healing the damage he has caused you, himself, and the marriage.

He has a lot of work to do on himself. Your job is to watch his actions. What is he doing?

I regret not separating from my ws,after dday. For a variety of reasons, I think a separation can help.

Too many bs take the lead,and do the ws's work for them. So,no real change takes place. If you have an unremorseful WS, who expects you to tell him what to do, some distance from that bullshit will help.

Remorse is different from regret.