SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

brly

I just want to make this as plain as possible.

I very much strongly advise that you NEVER let your wife know if you struggled with invasive thoughts of self harm at any time during this period, or indeed any period.
She is not a safe person to confide in right now, and any vulnerability or weakness you reveal to her will not end well.
It's not even safe to give her a small amoutn of information, because she will draw conclusions.

Please please please do not discuss with her in any way your medical prescriptions, uses, purposes, extracurriciular options, or any such thing.

During my divorce, my ex betrayed every single last thing i ever revealed to her in confidence. She knew, for example, that I had began taking anti-anxiety, under dr prescription, and this morphed into, accusations that I was drug addicted, drug abusive, alcoholic, and dangerous to be around my kids. None of this was true, but by discussing my medical history with her, and discussions about depression, pain, lack of sleep, weight loss, and lack of appetite, she made up her own narrative and ran with it.

It's very common. Do not give wife ammunition. She is not a safe confidant. She is not safe.

She is not safe.

Just home, kids having dinner, she's all dolled up, nice dress, hair done nicely, perfume, the works. Ready to go out with him.

What the hell has my life become. This cuts deep tonight. Absolute kick in the ****

It is beyond cruel for her to get dressed up,to go on a date with him,right in front of you.

She's horrible.

You are thinking about your son’s birthday and Christmas, and she is doing that. I’m sorry friend, she is radioactive. Please get to safety.

Swoned beat me to it:

Read Swoned’s post up there ^^ very carefully. That is absolutely damned true. What ever vulnerabilities you confide in her can be used against you. All she has to say to a cop is that you have suicidal ideation, and you can be placed on a mental health hold in a very unpleasant facility. This could also affect child custody.

Regarding The 180 and what Bigger was trying to explain, this approach is hard to put into writing. It’s a passive aggressive approach straight out of Art Of War rules of engagement that battle field commanders have been studying -practicing for centuries. Your attorney/solicitor will reinforce what we’re telling you and explain it better. You basically control those things within your control, and nothing more. You don’t overreach for things outside your grasp, beyond your control. You remain solidly in control, of those things within your control. When the wind blows against you, you bend like a reed so not to break. You use only the exact amount of legal force and resistance as is necessary to affect your goals. Avoid going direct with your opponent, strive to outmaneuver them and watch your flanks. Maintain trigger points, escape routes and safety zones. Always think three moves ahead. Don’t act or make decisions with emotion-especially anger. When in her presence, be calm and meditative like Caine of Kung Fu. Some call this Grey Rocking.

Waywards are a hot mess. You maintaining calm and control will always put you at the advantage.

Get to a gym. This helps with suicidal ideation and burns off cortisol and adrenaline. It also helps release feel good hormones, helps with depression, sleep, eating and self confidence. It’s also an excellent, healthy distraction and, gets you ready for the next chapter of your life.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 5:56 PM, Thursday, December 21st]

I also want to mention.... I do not think anyone else has yet

Do not tell your wife that you post here. do not even mention this site's existence.

You will feel at times, perhaps an overwhelming urge--that maybe if you open up to your wife and show her openness and transparancy, that she will return the favor. Maybe if you show your wife how much you are hurting, she will stop. Maybe if she sees what others are saying, she will understand.....

She will not.

We are here for you brly, and you will get through this.

If taking anti-depressants is new for you, remember that they sometimes take some weeks to start working, you need to take them reliably as prescribed, and sometimes you might need to try a different one.

You need to tread water whilst that happens.

Exercise is important. I found long hikes with my dog the best, which was also the biggest part of my 180. But my kids were the in double digits so that was possible. My wife was mildly freaked out that I was now letting her know, simply, what my non-work days were going to look like rather than squaring things with her to pick up slack and give her free time.

I also mention Alcohol. I like a drink. Both my parents were alcoholics. My Dad gave it away. My Mum didn’t. My parents had an ugly divorce after infidelity. My advice to you based on many years of painful lived experience is to give alcohol away for now. You can have a drink again when you re- find some balance in your life.

Just home, kids having dinner, she's all dolled up, nice dress, hair done nicely, perfume, the works. Ready to go out with him.

What the hell has my life become. This cuts deep tonight. Absolute kick in the ****

Wow. Talk about walking talking brazen toxicity.

Yes, Im sure its a kick in the ****, but here's the thing, shes also demeaning herself to gutter level. A tragic and despicable figure. Im surprised the perfume can cover the stench. The woman you knew and loved has left the building. She is now a sad caricature of that person. I pity her.

You, however, are doing just the opposite. You are manning up, taking care of your home and your children. The only adult in the home. You have my respect sir.

Your wife going out like that is a favor to you. It doesn't feel like one, but it is. I know you don't see it now, but if she continues to do this, you will harden your heart against her. If she continues to do this, you will not be interested when she comes crawling back to you. (And you will move on to have a happier life.)

Please remember how much your children need you, and how much you are loved.

Does she know that leaving tonight will set you in motion towards divorce? I guess I should ask you if it does? You are going thru the hardest thing life can throw at you. (With the only exception of losing a child) I know it doesn’t seem like it to you but your character shines like a sun in your posts. I think to myself what a fool your wife is to treat a man like you this despicably. Speaks to her character in spades. From a purely theoretical view, you are much better off without her. But I know you love her. I am so sorry for the pain she is causing you. Keep putting one foot in front of the other day after day. Do the things your character demands. Btw, is your wife supposed to come home tonight?

Yes tonight massively steps me towards divorce

She is buying a sofa bed for the spare room and is moving in there.

She is still giving it "I don't know what I want" and tonight is apparently just a drink and a chat.

I told her not to come home late, drunk or stay out. Let's she if she at least respects those wishes.

Our daughter has gone to bed tonight crying for mummy, and I laid in my son's bed whilst he nodded off and he was telling me his mind feels weird. He's 5 years old for god's sake. They are both sensing and feeling this, it's so heart breaking.

Every day that passes my heart dies a little more for her, but I fear if she comes back, maybe not tonight, but in days or weeks in the future showing remorse and pleading to try and fix this.

I don't honestly know how I will react to that because deep down I don't want to rip my family apart.

I'm half hoping she just goes off with him properly so the decision is made for me.

I'm terrible at huge decisions. I'm a worrier and I procrastinate way too much.

She's running on emotions and lust, I'm running on fear for my kids, legalities and financial worries.

Hardest thing I've ever gone through and this is only the beginning

Often people say more with their actions than with their words…

That’s the beauty of the plan Bigger laid out for you, you file for divorce and all the other steps you need to get out of infidelity. At any point even after the divorce is final, if your wife convinces you she is remorseful, you can change course. You just need to stay on the path that leads you out of infidelity. Think of it like this, due to her actions she has left you with no choice but to separate from her. That is you only choice and only she can stop you from completing that task. You really have no choice if she doesn’t change course. If she does change course, everything flip flops. She is now at your mercy. Once she is remorseful and caring about your well-being above everything else, then you are the one with the choice, divorce or reconcile. Both are hard. Many believe R is the harder of the two, but point is, it’s your choice. You must steel yourself to stay on the path out of infidelity. It is hard. So hard but it is necessary. And although you don’t stay on this path to win her back, paradoxically it is the best chance you have of keeping your family together. But you have to be willing to lose lose it to have the choice to decide whether you want it. Prepare yourself for the fact your wife might not come back tonight. Find the anger and use that for fuel to lead you down the path you didn’t choose but have no other option but to travel.

At this point she is rubbing your nose in it. You need to find your anger and stop engaging with her.

I'm half hoping she just goes off with him properly so the decision is made for me.

Brother, she's gone, she is unqualified to be your wife. You need to remove yourself as a option, she doesn't know what she wants, make that easy for her. Don't dabble with the 180, don't put up a front, get damn pissed off and take control of you and your kids lives.

I tell you all this from my own experience, we hope that the woman we married and trusted is going to snap out of if, but she won't until she suffers some loss, she needs consequences and decisive action. She is living high having two men pursue her.

180 hard, this is war!!!

To start the divorce costs £600 though, I just don't have that to spend 3 days before Christmas

What do you have you could sell? Preferably something of hers. Lol

When you hear us advise you to find or use your anger, we mean to use it constructively, motivationally to help you down a definitive path out of infidelity, avoiding limbo. Don’t let anger adversely affect strategic decision making, poise or civility. Don’t let anger get you into trouble. Use it constructively, wisely and to protect your dignity.

In that case, tell her you have commenced divorce...which in a way you have. Explain to the law firm that you want to be in a position to kick off after the holidays and get some written correspondence from them with a quote you can dangle near her to show you've started.

If you have joint accounts, lock them down today so she can't strip them. Even if you think she won't, trust me, they will. In the aftermath of my wife's affair I found she had stopped paying her share of the bills and had horded over $5000 away to facilitate herself moving out when she thought I was getting close to working out she was having the affair. I never thought she had it in her.

Write a snappy spreadsheet outlining your assets (including rough market value of the house) vs liabilities. Propose a favourable split while she's in la-la land: I went with 60/40 in my favour, 50/50 custody, no touching of retirement accounts and no child support noting 50/50. She readily agreed and we made it legal. She's now semi-bitching that 'I took advantage of her' (despite her also earning a six figure salary); as if sleeping with two married men and ruining their families as well wasn't reprehensible enough. Your wife won't want to be the villain in her own villainous story, so strike while the iron is hot.

The audacity of this woman. Days before Christmas and with young kids? Well, at least you now know what she is. I'm so sorry brother. You deserve better. You will get better.

Something else real quick:

If your WW comes home late or drunk or fails to meet child care deadlines or responsibilities…

document this. It may come in handy.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 9:05 PM, Thursday, December 21st]

Thanks again guys.

I will see after Xmas if I can get the ball rolling and get the divorce started.

I'm UK based, how do you even select a good solicitor? I've had a couple of free half hour phone consultations so far. How do you know yours will be better than hers??

I'll keep you updated how (and if) she returns tonight