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This guy and I have mutual friends and I've seen him at the odd event here and there but never paid any attention to him before. He was just a nice friendly guy but our paths didn't cross enough at these events to generate conversation. I say that to make that point that it's not like I saw him for the first time and had the hots for him, and it's not like I would go to these mutual-friend-events, hoping he was there.

This last event where he and I were both in attendance, I had the experience of a conversation with him. I paid him a compliment about something (not related to his appearance, but related to a skill he displayed) and his face lit up and beamed like a ray of sunshine. The compliment was sincere and he was just so happy when I said it. He went into a little bit of further detail about what I complimented him on.

He is not what you would call "Hot". But I like his energy. This guy just exudes warmth and kindness. His face and his eyes are incredibly kind.

I would like to ask him out. I want to say, "Hey, so, I have to say that you have the nicest face I've ever seen. And talking with you is like sitting next to a campfire on a cold night. I would like to get to know you better, if you're interested. Do you want to go get coffee some time?"

IS THAT TOO WEIRD?? Is it too putting-him-on-the-spot?

As an alternative, I was thinking I would say, rather than asking if he wanted to go get coffee, I would get to the part where I say, "I would like to get to know you better. Here's my number (pre-written on a piece of paper). Give me a call if you're interested in going to grab coffee some time."

We are both in our 50's.

I would like to ask him out. I want to say, "Hey, so, I have to say that you have the nicest face I've ever seen. And talking with you is like sitting next to a campfire on a cold night. I would like to get to know you better, if you're interested. Do you want to go get coffee some time?"

Okay so, I'm not a guy, but that is such a really sweet heartfelt thing to say, I don't see how anyone could resist this!

Also not a guy, but if someone asked me out like that I'd definitely say yes. Go for it girl! What have you got to lose?

Also, just saying that feeling that sort of kind energy and warmth from someone is pretty rare and special. I'm 42 and can count on one hand how many people like that I've met.

EllieKMAS< YES!!!! Me too, sis!!!!

I love my life and in order for a man to gain entry, I have to believe that he is going to add to the amazingness of my life.

This is the first guy I've met who I think would improve upon my already-awesome life.

No fixer uppers, nobody who needs rescuing or who wants to rescue me. None of that. LOL

I, too, think it's a great way to ask him out. I mean WHO could say no to a an invitation like that?

I think your approach could scare him off.

When my brother was widowed many women expressed interest but they were just "too much". He felt like they wanted to jump into a relationship and not just see how things go.

If I were you I’d keep it simple and ask him to go to an event together (or movie or play or hear a band). And see what happens.

Obviously I’m not a guy but I gave you a guy’s perspective.

I appreciate you took the time to reply 1stWife.

I thought about this and considered if I’d be interested in going to see a band or movie with a guy I don’t know, and whose interests and tastes I don’t know, where there isn’t any opportunity for conversation.

I’d be trapped possibly for hours and how am I supposed to get to know a stranger sitting in silence at a movie?

The point of coffee is to commit to something very low effort, that either of us can bounce after a half hour.

If a guy thinks that me asking him to meet me for a cup of coffee is the same thing as asking him for an exclusive dating relationship…or if he thinks first contact (lol!) should be a concert where we are physically together but not able to communicate…then he’s probably not a good fit with me anyway.

Edited to add this thought: I’m not a fan of pretending that I am not interested in someone as a potential romantic partner, when I am. I would not do that.

Being interested in someone as a potential romantic partner is not the same as wanting to instantly jump into a committed exclusive relationship.

If a guy can’t even handle someone saying hey I kinda like you and want to get to know you better then again they’re not going to be a good fit with me.

[This message edited by freetogonow at 3:30 AM, Sunday, December 10th]

I think your planned approach is absolutely lovely. If it scares him off, he’s not the right guy for you.

I don’t think coffee is a bad idea. See a movie and then discuss the movie gives you a conversation starter was my suggestion.

My focus was in how you ask for the date. Casually saying "would you like to get a coffee" is very much acceptable.

But in my brother’s case, saying you have a kind face and I’d like to get to know you is just too much. And that would scare him off.

Sorry I was not clear in my initial post.

I hope when you ask he is interested and says "yes".

My focus was in how you ask for the date. Casually saying "would you like to get a coffee" is very much acceptable.

But in my brother’s case, saying you have a kind face and I’d like to get to know you is just too much. And that would scare him off.

I actually think "would you like to get coffee" is too much pressure because it requires an immediate yes/no, and that puts someone on the spot. I would not like to be asked this by someone I'm not sure I want to accept. And if I were asked this myself (not by him but by anyone else), I would say, "Why don't you give me your number, and if I decide I want to go get coffee with you, I'll give you a call."

I think I'm going to go with my second choice, which is, "I really your vibe, and I'd like to get to know you better. I want you to have my number and if you'd ever like to go grab a cup of coffee, give me a call."

A couple additional thoughts:

If a man receiving a compliment ("I like the look of you, I like your face, you exude a lot of warmth and I'm really drawn to that") in the same breath as an invitation to go get coffee with a woman, would put him off, then it's good to know that up front because I would not at all be interested in someone with that degree of leeriness or hyper sensitivity.

I am not who I was 7 years ago. I am direct and open. I am not interested in pussy footing around a guy who is hyper sensitive, just so I don't "scare him off". ("Oh no, I gotta be careful because if I say too much honesty, he might get scared!")

Well. If he "scares", then that's my sign that it's not a good fit. It's not a value judgment about his worth as a person. It's an accurate assessment that we are not a good fit.

If a man needs me to go attend a 3 hour concert where we sit side by side and don't really say anything to each other, simply to have something to talk about with me afterwards, then he's also not the man for me. In fact, if he said, "I think going for a cup of coffee is a bad idea, why don't we go to a concert or movie where we don't talk at all, just so we have something to say to each other after it's over?" then I would say hmmm you know what, I'm not interested after all. Because I'm not trapping myself at a venue for hours with someone I don't know, at an event where we can't have any sort of meaningful conversation at all.

I have a lot of words and would have no problem finding things to talk about with someone I was interested in for a 30 minute coffee date. The man who is the man for me, will be the same.

I’m a man. It’s fine to ask him out but maybe tone down the face stuff. Strangely enough a woman I was messaging on tinder said something similar to me. Something like I am in love with your face already. It was a great ego boost and I was flattered but I ended up bailing on our date. It wasn’t the only reason but added to a feeling of pressure. It made me think of the pursuit - pressure dynamics in the 180.

I am a man and I would suggest being a little more casual: maybe a big, open smile and a simple invitation to coffee.

We're flighty creatures easily frightened off you know.

"I am a man and I would suggest being a little more casual: maybe a big, open smile and a simple invitation to coffee.

We're flighty creatures easily frightened off you know. grin"

This made me smile.

I agree the " nicest face you’ve ever seen" and warm campfire comparison is a bit much for someone you don’t even know and have only exchanged a few words with. That would definitely put me off if a man came on to me that strongly. I like the warm smile and simple invitation to coffee option.

I agree, a movie or concert is a bad idea for a first date. Coffee is no pressure and you can quickly exit if things aren’t going well.

Let us know how it goes!

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 1:34 PM, Monday, December 11th]

Ted Bundy allegedly charmed women with his warm and friendly face and demeanor… Just saying…

I think the reasons you want to get to know this man are great. Maybe the best reasons to start dating someone.
It’s been decades since I dated, but I remember that sometimes I would accept or ask for a date with only one purpose in mind – and that was to get the girl into bed. I would endure an evening of listening to stuff I had no interest in while the both of us would battle to find anything in common. I also remember when I saw my wife for the first time – she’s beautiful but the clincher was that I sensed/saw goodness in her. We met in passing and it took me a couple of weeks to find her again and eventually ask her for a date. Took me then a couple of no’s before she finally agreed.

I could have told her right away that second time I saw her that I had been thinking about her constantly and that I had this deep sense and emotion that this was the one.
I am also fairly certain that had I done so I would still be single…

Ask him for coffee and take it from there.

BTW – she told me years later that she too noticed me that first time, but mainly because she remembered me from years earlier and that she thought I had "improved".

I would just invite him to coffee without the additional details.

"Would you like to grab coffee sometime?" That's enough.

I really struggle with compliments (I'm working on it) so if you added that extra detail... I wouldn't handle it well. If you told me this information after we had been dating for a month or two... I'd think that it was cute.

So... don't show all of your cards just yet but definitely ask him out.

So... don't show all of your cards just yet but definitely ask him out.

I agree with this.

It has nothing to do with scaring him off for me. My thoughts are what if you say all that and he is really into you. Then, you go for coffee and decide he is not a fit for you once you know more about him.

"So... don't show all of your cards just yet but definitely ask him out."

There is some great insight being given in here.

Guy here.

SHORT ANSWER: It's too much, even though I can respect that you are coming from a good place.

Well, how it would go if I were the guy, it would depend if I am attracted to her. I mean, it is sweet and well-meaning, but if--no, especially if, he isn't attracted to you it is just too much. And if he is attracted to you, then well, then wouldn't he be the one complimenting you?

ETA: The closest thing I can think of is when a guy is falling for his female friend. So he thinks of a really nice sweet way to tell her how special she is to him. He then confides in his other female friends about his plan. 'SAwwwe that's so sweet!! She's gonna melt!!' they say. But then when that plan is executed, it hardly ever seems to go well as advertised. I mean, if she doesn't see the guy 'that way', then him telling her how special she is to him, is going to make her feel awkward. (And if she did see the guy that way too, then they'd both be giving each other signs and would be on their way to dating already. No speech needed.)

With that said, maybe he is attracted to you. I'd go w a more casual approach though, and wait and see how your next interaction goes w him first.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 5:36 PM, Wednesday, December 13th]

You have to shoot your shot! If you are genuine, and it is very obvious that you are based on the words you’re planning to say, regardless of any reaction you get… You simply can’t lose! If a woman approached me in that way, I would absolutely take her up on that because I would feel that regardless of outcome, getting to know a genuine person would be a great thing! You never know until you try! You got this!