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I am obsessed with My WHs AP. So much younger than me, about 10 years or more, sexy, attractive, long hair, beautiful body. I feel so insecure and I don't know how to deal with it.

Jennifer Aniston, Halle Berry, Shakira, etc. Behati Prinsloo is a Victoria's Secret underwear model. All gorgeous, and all were betrayed by their SO.

Our self-esteem takes a hit on dday. It is important to realize that the issue isn't you, how you look, what you did or didn't do, said or didn't say. The cheater has a problem with their moral character. Cheaters are going to cheat. Some have older APs, uglier APs, heavier APs, but the AP is also a cheater.

You need to become a BASGU - bad ass sparkly goddess unicorn (Thanks, Chaos!). You are the prize. Repeat that - you are the prize. Go buy the prettiest undies and things that make you feel good. Wear them all the time. Find a couple of outfits that make you feel like a BASGU. Wear them, too.

I found a YouTube video of I AM affirmations that I did every morning for a long time. Find one that resonates with you and do it. (Mine was the one that made me cry, so I know that it struck a chord that needed help.) I also found mindfulness and meditation helped with my spiraling thoughts.

Sincity.

This is all fresh for you, but Leafields is 100% right. With time/distance you will see that the AP is like a grocery store peach. Looks promising, but ends up being rotten and mealy on the inside. Just our WS, they have major character flaws that undo any perceived attractiveness. The things you listed are superficial. You didn’t marry your WS strictly because of how he looked — you needed him to be attractive all the way through.

Do what makes you feel beautiful and powerful. What makes you like you. Is that working out? Volunteering? Dressing to the nines? (Can’t go wrong with new undies :-) ) .

You will see with time that it had nothing to do with the AP’s looks. She could have been a bag lady. It has to do with his need for external validation and his sense of entitlement. Beyoncé was cheated on. It’s not about looks. Ever.

Sending hugs— infidelity really screws with your sense of self. But you are the prize.

Thank you to all you wonderful, kind people.

I know it has nothing to do with her looks and he would cheat anyway and it's that she was available, but by God I do wish she was older, frumpy and unattractive.

SinCity - I won’t say that your WH’s AP is a hideous skank, but you’ll find over time that her ‘attractiveness’ is actually inversely proportionate to your self-confidence. In the initial shock of discovery, many of us evaluate our WS’s APs by focusing on what they have that we don’t - and because we feel inferior, they seem to look really great… As you get your feet under you, and realize that there is nothing there except a hollow, empty, desperate and opportunistic home-wrecker, you’ll see her much more clearly…. In fact, I promise you that you’ll eventually be back here wondering what he EVER saw in her. You’ll see the hair extensions, caked-on makeup, cheap dental work, lopsided boobs and the too-tight revealing clothing and laugh at how hard she had to work just to be able to leave the house in the morning to prowl for another broken person to engage with her.

Hi sincity

I was also obsessed with the AP at the time it happened. She was 10 years younger than me, super slim, long hair and Spanish. My self esteem took a real hit even though I always though of myself as nice looking. I felt so inferior. Especially about the age. My self confidence was on the floor. I had never felt so low or worthless.

But BB is right, they may look nice on the outside but on the inside they aren’t so good. No moral compass, willing to lie and deceive. No good will come of it. That much I do know,

Although it was awful to go through at the time I did start to feel better and built myself back up. I went to yoga and swimming (on good days, even then there were tears in my eyes) and ate as best I could.

When I went back out into the world my confidence improved. A guy at yoga asked me out (I declined as I was an emotional wreck at the time). But it all helped me build back my confidence.

Treat yourself if you can. Healthy food, a nice hair cut/colour, a massage. Do ANYTHING to make yourself feel a bit better.

Just know you are worth a MILLON of her. As you are beautiful inside and out, unlike the AP.

Hugs to you.

Well hey there! I see leafields has given you excellent words of advice.

I'm Chaos. I coined the acronym BASGU [Bad Ass Sparkly Goddess Unicorn]. Because I am one. I've been described as a Modern Day Marilyn, A Goddess, a Blonde Bombshell. And my WH had a LTA that went underground and years later we had to have a lawyer send LTAP a Cease & Desist for stalking/cyberstalking & trying to duplicate our lives [OBS wasn't happy to hear that let me tell you].

And my self esteem took a hit. I would literally sob every time I showered because I had to be naked with/touch
my unworthy body. I couldn't pass a mirror without looking at myself and saying "no wonder". Every time I did something trivial like drop a pencil, I'd mutter "stupid unworthy bitch" or similar to myself. I was a shadow of my former self. I put on a good front in public. But inside I was a disaster. Then one day I got sick of myself and had to reclaim myself [or at least try].

I reminded myself just who the F*** I was. And that is a BASGU. That's who I was. And no LTAP had the right to take that from me. I read and re-read and wrote and re-wrote that famous quote "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent". There's power in those words. I almost got it tattoo on myself but they don't have glitter ink yet.

But I did things that reclaimed myself. I wore my favorite armor - sparkly undies. I love some sparkly sexy undies. And I no longer wore them on special occasions - I made myself my own special occasion. I may be falling apart inside and wearing leggings and a baggy tee - but my pink sparkly lace bra/thong was awesome. And it made me walk a little taller. I put on lip-gloss every bleeping day because it made me feel decadent. There I was, mad scrubbing the tub and toilet in my leggings and baggy tee wearing pink sparkly undies and lip-gloss. And felt bad ass doing so. I started taking myself on coffee dates [I drink it black so it is a cheap self indulgence]. But I'd take myself to a local coffee house and just slowly sip a cup of coffee, savoring each sip and feeling the sanity each sip provided. A few dollars for a few moments of sanity. It was soothing. [pause - while Chaos makes a cup of coffee]. I took myself to Target, Ulta, etc. and I wandered every isle forcing myself to smell the candles, test the perfumes, mentally redecorating my bathroom, anything to redirect my brain. I made spreadsheets - I'm not a journal person - but I'm the Queen of a Spreadsheet. I made columns, DATE, THOUGHT, FEELING, TRIGGER, NOTES. And I'd document my feelings/triggers/etc. I figured initially I could find patterns and figure things out. Instead I realized if I documented things, they weren't swimming in the front of my brain and keeping me in a loop. I could document them and let them know, knowing they were in a safe place if I needed them again. I would literally say to myself as I clicked SAVE "you have documented this and now can let it go because it here if you ever need it".

I took that old advice of "use the good china, burn the good candle" and applied it to myself. I did little things to make myself feel worthy again. You can too.

AP isn't anything special - just overly available to someone who they shouldn't have been.

Summertime, could it be the same woman 😜? That is her exact description, also 10 years my junior. My confidence is in the toilet. It's been almost 2 months, so it is all very raw. I hope to be able to come to terms with it all one day. I dislike this insecure person I have become.

[This message edited by Sincity at 11:12 PM, Monday, October 16th]

I have zero jealousy for the AP. I know that I outrank her on pretty much any positive feature a person can be judged for, inside and out.

She could be the most beautiful person in the world and you are still astronomically better. The OW is someone willing to accept crumbs from someone else’s husband. Someone willing to lurk in the shadows while you get taken on vacation, paraded to family events. She willingly and knowingly accepts second place and leftovers. That’s just disgusting and unattractive.

I’m sorry, Sincity. The devastation of one’s self esteem is a normal, but excruciating side effect of a partner’s infidelity. I’ve been there. My husband’s AP wasn’t younger, but there were a lot of metrics by which she was/is "better" than me. It ground me into the dirt.

I wish I could muster the badass sparkly unicorn goddess energy—I admire it immensely. I’ve never been able to quite pull that off, but eventually I learned to just be happy with myself and develop an attitude of accepting that I am who I am. If he doesn’t like it and wants something better, he knows where the door is. That helps me shrug off the terrible insecurity and just live my life.

Hugs to you.

I read over this thread every day. Thank you to all of you for taking the time to respond and truly trying to make me feel better and to put things in a more positive perspective. I hate that we are a part of this club but it feels good to know your are not alone.

It's hard feeling so insecure, especially when I went through my 20s and 30s feeling so attractive. I know I am being shallow, I know that. I feel like I will always compare myself to her in the physical sense because she is so much younger, works out HARD, long, long hair while I am losing so much of mine (I'm 44). This sounds bad, but I don't get what she saw in my balding, middle-aged, overweight husband either (they met out in public, they did not know each other). I'm just mad as hell and don't know how to cope with any of this, I'm sorry if I sound bat**** crazy at this point.

[This message edited by Sincity at 1:16 PM, Thursday, October 19th]

Sincity
I can related to every word you wrote.
I’ve been through it and am still going through it.
I posted "anger toward the AP" few weeks ago and got very helpful advice. Maybe you can find that and read it too.
I think the anger for me was because I felt violated by the AP. She stole something from me. She took what was not hers. She trespassed on our marriage and enjoyed the benefits of a relationship. I also had anger toward her because she SEEMED to have more than me. Her life APPEARED better. Heck, her life seemed perfect to me. She had a successful career. She was invited to speak at different forums (one of which was women’s empowerment LOL) And most of all, she had my husband’s attention and affection.
So I put her on a pedestal. She HAD TO HAVE BEEN a goddess in order for my husband to risk everything for her, right? In my mind, i had envisioned her to be this sexy, gorgeous, smart, flirty, irresistible woman. I saw her as someone every guy would want to be with. Why was this??? I don’t really know. And I’ve come to realize that looks have nothing to do with it. As Leafields said, look at all those gorgeous celebrities who were cheated on. It has nothing to do with the betrayed! It took me a LOOOOONG time to believe this. Someone on SI (i think InkHulk) said that he believes his wife would have cheated even if she were married to someone else. That statement was a game changer for me.
When I was where you are now, nothing people said made a difference to me because I didn’t believe it. And you don’t have to beat yourself up for not "getting it". It’s ok. You’ve been traumatized and your brain is going crazy right now. You will think all sort of stupid and nonsense stuff. It’s ok. Let them be. Don’t force yourself to try to believe something. But do keep reading. Do keep reaching out. I had to read hundreds of posts to slowly "get it"
I still look at AP’s photos online to figure out what it was about her that my WH found attractive/alluring. Another SI member said my WH found her attractive because "she let him fuck her". Wow that was also a game changer!
Even if the AP is 100% more beautiful than you, she can never be you. She can never be someone who did not engage in sinful behavior of adultery. She will forever be an adulteress. It will be part of her story forever. Meanwhile, you can hold your head up high knowing that you were faithful and loyal to your spouse. You are honorable and have integrity which she can never say about herself.
Do I want to live my life with "adulteress" "home wrecker" on my resume? No one may know that about her but she does. And so does the universe/god/higher power, etc.
You are going to feel insecure for a while. You are going to continue to compare yourself to AP. It’s ok. Time will help you get over it. Keep reading until one day it clicks for you.

Sincity,
So sorry for what happened to you .

However, it doesn’t matter if the AP is younger or older , prettier , more accomplished or just plain, it was our husband that is broken inside .

In my husband’s case , he started with online reunion with old college friends and the MOW started to flirt with him one on one . She seduced him and he fell for her validations and sweet talks. They had virtual sex and emotional relationship for 5 months . I found out by reading her text accidentally .

He liked her validation and her affection. She told him how much she loved him daily , how he was the only man she loved and my husband responded too. Good thing he didn’t say that she was the only one he loved or we D.

I consider my self to be attractive, just as accomplished career wise and just as educated as her . She was only one year younger than me , older looking , not attractive, overweight , tomboy and rough. And yes, she is aggressive too.
Why did he fall for her ? It was just his brokenness of always wanted to be liked or loved , the outside validations. My love was not enough , he was never content , always wanted more .. and she happened to be there , giving him all the admirations and validations !!

BearlyBreathing is correct .
It is not you ! She just happened to be there , ready to satisfy your WH hunger for outside validations and entitlements! He needs therapy for this.
Big hugs to you !!((( )))

You don’t sound crazy at all.

My husband’s affair partner is "better" than me in several major (ish) ways, in areas that I was already somewhat insecure about prior to his affair.

It devastated my self esteem to a point that I’m almost embarrassed to admit. It felt like a categorical rejection of me as a human being, and like he was deliberately choosing someone who had the things I am lacking. It was like he set out to find someone who checked boxes that I could never check, taking a knife to the most vulnerable parts of my psyche.

He didn’t and doesn’t see it that way, but that’s how I *felt.*

I have re-framed that into a positive as much as possible. Basically, if you can’t compete, you turn your focus to resting in your own happiness and worth.

That’s what I try to do. I’m me. I’m going to live my life as best I can, in accordance with my values and seeking health and happiness. He can have a relationship with me, or he can chase someone "better." (But he sure as f*%# can’t do it at the same time).

Hang in there. You’re not crazy at all. This Sh#% is hard. Love yourself and make yourself happy.

I always had this weird sense I should be thanking my husband for cheating with someone who was older than me, not especially attractive, several educational and socioeconomic levels lower. Whatever—that stuff is garbage anyway—it is superficial nonsenses since we aren’t prize cows being measured and assessed at some meat market. But anyway…. I was lucky that when he hired her (before they ever got weird) I looked her up on his company website and thought, "oh gosh she’s yucky looking…go ahead and hire her". So later when it all happened I knew I objectively had thought she was a dog. Apparently my husband didn’t think so.

But the main thing, beyond what terrible people they are, is that the OW has one thing you don’t have and can’t ever have. She isn’t your spouse’s wife. Sadly these guys (and sometimes women) need desperately to be sure that someone other than their spouse actually thinks they are f@#$able. It’s sad. It’s a little pathetic. It is kind of human, but should never have been acted upon by them.

But you could never be that. You were missing the most important trait. The "not being their actual spouse" trait. It has literally zero to do with this person being (in your mind) more attractive than you.

Also, I don’t really think people see their own spouses as their exact age. I think we our spouse as simultaneously every age they have ever been. That is why when you see someone after 20 years they look so old. You haven’t been seeing them. I think being their spouse made you fail one test (the one described above) but it makes you automatically win the the age battle. I think you look 10 years younger to your actual spouse than you do to some stranger. Just my personal opinion obviously.

Anyway, screw her. She’s slime at the bottom of a bucket. Yuck.

SinCity, if she were older or uglier, you'd just have a different set of questions. Chaos really helped me a lot.

My XWH gave me grief about my weight for many years. I lost 150 pounds and was at the gym a lot.

AP was only 6 months younger and outweighed me by 150+ pounds. Want more to make you ? Read my bio. I

Really, the A isn't about you.

I think its very normal to become obsessed with your spouse's affair partner. You definitely aren't crazy.

Ive also read parts of the thread 'Honey, they always affair down'. And while this is very comforting, and based on descriptions online here true for a large number of people, its not always true in every way. For my wife, whose affair was just physical it wasnt true. However, we have reconciled so this speaks volumes for what she ultimately really valued and what she desired in a life partner. With the passage of time it was this last bit that allowed me to (mostly) get over my obsession and move on in a manageable healthy way.

but by God I do wish she was older, frumpy and unattractive.

In which case, you'd be wondering what she had that made up for all of that.

The answer is not "magically unique vagina or oral abilities".

The answer is the same in all cases. She was willing to engage in an affair and available to do so.

My FWS had an affair with a someone just like her, same attributes, willing and available, and my FWS was exactly the same. There was nothing wrong with his wife.

I remember talking to a friend about the OW. She was 20 years younger. When I asked her, "How am I supposed to compete with someone 20 years younger?" She told me something very profound. "You're not. You shouldn't have to."
When we were in HI, I got hit on all the time (I pass for HI). Some of those men were downright gorgeous. It never occurred to me to get with any of them. I never flirted back, and shut it down pretty quick. My H had been hot back in the day, but we were in our 40s. He still had a lot of muscle, but he had a bit of a Dad belly too. He had gone bald. To me, he was still the sexiest man around and I was happy with what I had.

It does not matter one bit what she looks like. What matters is who you are. She is so far beneath you. She was just an easy F and an ego boost for an insecure little man. You could go out there and do the same thing. Lots of hot guys want to get with older women. Low hanging fruit, no matter how nicely packaged is still low hanging fruit. Please remember that.

she is so much younger, works out HARD, long, long hair... This sounds bad, but I don't get what she saw in my balding, middle-aged, overweight husband either (they met out in public, they did not know each other).

So your balding, middle-aged, overweight husband somehow meets a hot, young woman whom he has never met before in a public setting, and proceeds to literally charm his way into her panties? How did that happen? What were the circumstances? Do they sound believable to you?

IIRC you referred to a "happy ending" in a different thread - are you sure they did not meet at a massage parlour, or she's not a hooker?

[This message edited by redbaron007 at 7:58 AM, Thursday, October 26th]