Thanks everyone for the responses.
Bigger- I am afraid there is no hope as my H is triggering again over my job, A season and whether or not I should be allowed to go with him and the kids up north this weekend to his parents cottage. I was asked not to come by him on Memorial Day and that was painful, but I stayed home.
H can’t heal while I have the passing chance of seeing AP in the building on campus. Hates that I have business trips coming up. Wants me to find a new job that has the flexibility to WFH, same high pay and NO TRAVEL. I have looked. For the past 2 years. Same pay, no travel? Plant work- and all the crazy stress and hours that come with it. Same pay with flexibility? Travel. Less pay (and lifestyle changes that come from that) are unacceptable to H.
Most jobs that are less pay are demotions to things I’ve done before in labs or quality engineering. Not bad, but the downsizing is not appealing to H as I will not live in constant threat of foreclosure like we did before. H could get a promotion and better pay by either moving up the ladder where he is or finding a higher role and pay elsewhere. That would allow me to take a lower scale position. Again, H doesn’t want to move or change his role because he is comfortable where he is at.
It’s a shit sandwich for him. I chose to shit where I eat and now he gets to make changes, compromises or sacrifices to stay in the M. No wonder he is hurting and resentful. Add on to that it’s A season and you can see why H is wanting to get away and take a break.
It’s not surprising he wants me to change jobs. The way it’s framed- with little sense of reality of sacrifice and compromise somewhere that is needed on BOTH our parts… that’s where I’m stuck. Combine that with all the long list of things that he’s had to "accept" over the years, needs that he believes I won’t be able to meet, etc… I feel like I could make this huge sacrifice in my support network, sense of independence/ ability to survive this M should we D, or survive even if we stay together… it is too much on the cost benefit analysis for me right now to do it.
I told H that I feel like I have made many changes and done a ton of work and it is still not enough for him to accept me. He says he accepts that I won’t likely meet his needs in certain things. I clarified and said that I don’t want to be accepted like that, I want to be on a team that wants me on the team. I then told him that if I make this change for him- leave my job- that he has to promise to NEVER say another word about my work ever again. I asked if he could promise me that. His facial expression said it all. His words did too- he couldn’t promise that, but if I left for something same pay, flexibility and no travel that he would be a lot happier.
My work has been a problem for a long time. Before the A and especially after the A.
Grubs, I feel like I don’t have a partner as invested in making this work as I am. Doesn’t want to continue counseling, doesn’t want to rethink the reality of the work situation, still "friends" with this girl J.
It’s A season and it’s particularly hard up north as during my A I texted AP when we were up north. I’ve since, for the past 2 years at least, been making it a point to plan things that are positive for H and the kids and I to do so as ti distract him from the pain, demonstrate my commitment, and hopefully help him heal. Tried. There were days up there where I was weak and couldn’t keep the brave face on it and became depressed in my demeanor. I didn’t succeed.
What is particularly gutting about all this going up north/ not going up north business is: H talked to the kids and asked them behind my back whether they cared if I went or not. Both at Memorial Day and now for the 4th. I told H that I would prefer he not do that as it brings the kids into our problems and goes behind my back. That if he wants me to go or not is a decision we need to make between the 2 of us and not involve them.
The whole triangulation of the kids in this has me steamed. Completely inappropriate and it FEELS to me like he wants the kids permission to take the family apart. Completely wrong and gross. Boy- kinda like what I did with my A.
1stwife, I still care about him. I still feel attached to him and love him. I’m almost to the point where I want to detach and work on indifference. Im not indifferent. There are good days, there is a bit of the old attraction at times. There are ways in which we work well together- kids, communicating and running the home- that are areas (as TIF says) I want as the relationship currently stands.
All this is bringing up the same feelings of hopelessness that I had before the A. That I could do so many things for H and still not be seen as "this at last is none of my bone and flesh of my flesh!" That’s where we are stuck.