Cookies are required for login or registration. Please read and agree to our cookie policy to continue.

Newest Member: Issyibbitt

Reconciliation :
How do you know when there’s no hope?

Topic is Sleeping.
default

SacredSoul33 ( member #83038) posted at 7:34 PM on Friday, June 30th, 2023

I told him it's exhausting to set alarms every day for every single thing he wants me to get done. We agreed that he would tell me what are the mission critical times that have to be met ahead of time (that morning) and I would set an alarm for that that day.

You're separated, right? I'm curious: What is it that he wants you to get done?

Remove the "I want you to like me" sticker from your forehead and place it on the mirror, where it belongs. ~ Susan Jeffers

Your nervous system will always choose a familiar hell over an unfamiliar heaven.

posts: 1298   ·   registered: Mar. 10th, 2023
id 8797701
default

 MIgander (original poster member #71285) posted at 7:38 PM on Friday, June 30th, 2023

Basically come home from work right on time, get out the door on time, arrive on time and not change plans as the day goes on and something comes up.

WW/BW Dday July 2019. BH/WH- multiple EA's. Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

posts: 1180   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8797702
default

BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 7:46 PM on Friday, June 30th, 2023

If you’re separated and en route to divorce, then all you owe each other is politeness and courtesy. He doesn’t get micromanage your time and every aspect of your life, or vice versa.

You really need to make a decision here, MIGander. One foot in and out of the marriage is not sustainable.

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 1973   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8797703
default

SacredSoul33 ( member #83038) posted at 8:14 PM on Friday, June 30th, 2023

If you’re separated and en route to divorce, then all you owe each other is politeness and courtesy. He doesn’t get micromanage your time and every aspect of your life, or vice versa.

You really need to make a decision here, MIGander. One foot in and out of the marriage is not sustainable.

This. If you're separated, unless it has to do with an agreed upon time to transfer care of the kids, it's none of his business where you are or when.

Remove the "I want you to like me" sticker from your forehead and place it on the mirror, where it belongs. ~ Susan Jeffers

Your nervous system will always choose a familiar hell over an unfamiliar heaven.

posts: 1298   ·   registered: Mar. 10th, 2023
id 8797708
default

TheEnd ( member #72213) posted at 8:43 PM on Friday, June 30th, 2023

I take it the separation is off the table. For now.

While I can see the time thing as a micromanagement, how much of it has to do with his trust of you? I'd imagine you coming home late from a job where you could interact with AP causes some anxiety. Is that the reason for the ask? Since they all seem to be around leaving/coming home from work.

posts: 607   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2019
id 8797716
default

DaddyDom ( member #56960) posted at 8:51 PM on Friday, June 30th, 2023

H maintains that I misrepresent him to people, that I don't talk about all the hard work he put in the first 6 months or so after DDay.

That sounds familiar. It's the same defense I gave my wife about my affair right after DDay. "But what about all those years I didn't cheat? Don't those count?" The thing is, what we did is not really as relevant as what we are doing now. I'm not trying to judge him on this, but just looking at the facts. How is he working on R now, other than by simply existing in the household? He's not allowing you on family trips... that's not working on the relationship. He's putting impossible conditions on your work, and refusing to accept anything less... that's not working on the relationship either. Sounds to me as though he sees you as a paycheck more so than as a spouse. And triangulating the kids against you, directly or indirectly, is unacceptable under any circumstances.

As unusual as this feels to say, I'm proud of you for making the tough decision to discuss separation. At 4 years out (IMO), you should be past the need to acquiesce to his demands on all things. It's one thing to make sacrifices in order to show your love and willingness to make things work, it's another to place a higher value on one spouse's needs than the other's.

It sounds to me as though you have contracted a deadly infection, called "Self-respect". Be careful, it spreads quickly and can be impossible to reverse once it takes over.

This must be a very scary and unsure time for you. Take a breath. To be honest, a separation might be helpful. Maybe seeing you every day is not allowing his wounds to heal. Someone else mentioned that there's some other woman he talks to? And if so, maybe that's affecting things as well. Those things need to be sorted out. He has every right in the world to decide what is and isn't acceptable for him, such as you working with the AP, however, that doesn't mean that he gets to make all the decisions and set all the boundaries.

You've done a lot of hard work on yourself, and it shows, it really shows. You aren't the same person now that you were during the A. You don't think the same way, you don't act the same way, and more than anything, you have more self-love and authenticity. You are someone deserving of both love and happiness, and what you've got now is neither of those things. It's the same for him. So a decision needs to be made, and that is to simply decide if you are going lean into each other and grow together as a couple, or lean away from each other and not grow together. Your personal growth will happen either way. The real beauty is when two people grow both individually and together.

You know, there are many BS's for whom infidelity is a deal breaker. It's not uncommon for a BS to try and make it work anyway, and that's admirable. Here's the thing. Part of the work a BS has to do is to decide what it is they want post-infidelity. They can't punish their spouse and grow together with them at the same time. Their own happiness cannot grow when they harbor resentment and mistrust. If he tries his best and still can't get those things back, then how can you possibly R? I know it's never that "clean". There is a difference between a lack of trust, and distrust. A lack of trust is something that can be changed... every time we meet someone new, we start out with a lack of trust and grow it from there. Distrust is tougher to overcome, and a relationship cannot be built on distrust. The distrust has to be acknowledged and dealt with in some way in order to move forward. I hope you guys find a way to relieve the distrust that exists. And I hope that the separation brings the closure to your husband that he's looking for. Maybe he'll decide he doesn't like life without you? Maybe not. Either way, you move past limbo.

Me: WS
BS: ISurvivedSoFar
D-Day Nov '16
Status: Reconciling
"I am floored by the amount of grace and love she has shown me in choosing to stay and fight for our marriage. I took everything from her, and yet she chose to forgive me."

posts: 1436   ·   registered: Jan. 18th, 2017
id 8797719
default

BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 10:12 PM on Friday, June 30th, 2023

While I can see the time thing as a micromanagement, how much of it has to do with his trust of you? I'd imagine you coming home late from a job where you could interact with AP causes some anxiety. Is that the reason for the ask? Since they all seem to be around leaving/coming home from work.

Considering his current EA with another woman, he might have other reasons for wanting to track MIGander’s minute-by-minute whereabouts.

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 1973   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8797725
default

CoderMom ( member #66033) posted at 2:05 AM on Saturday, July 1st, 2023

My first D was necessary for safety purposes and he was actively pursuing a relationship with someone else, so there was no hope and I needed to protect our children.

posts: 353   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Eastern States
id 8797751
default

BraveSirRobin ( member #69242) posted at 1:23 PM on Saturday, July 1st, 2023

There is a scenario where you can both:

- Have control over your own careers

- Have control over your own finances

- Date people whom you find wildly attractive, and vice versa

- Be honest with your children, church, and community

- Stop white knuckling it to meet your partner's incompatible expectations

- Live in a relationship with no crushing baggage of inadequacy, failure, betrayal, or blame


It's called divorce... and I don't think you can accomplish a single item on this list if you remain married.

WW/BW

posts: 3629   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2018
id 8797787
default

sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 3:28 PM on Saturday, July 1st, 2023

The time thing ... in my case the criticality of time came from my fear of being abandoned. The cure wasn't for my W to meet my time schedule. The cure was for me to deal with my fear.

The time demands from your H look like they're debilitating for both of you. My initial response to your report was, 'Looks like prison with partial release.' Your H lets you out so you can bring money in.

You describe an H who is fucked up and who won't change. I imagine he's afraid of changing himself, and I feel sorry for him. If he posted, I'd encourage him on the basis of strengths in himself he doesn't recognize. But he's not posting asking for help. He's trying to make you responsible for solving his problems, and that just won't work.

Letting him do that is terrible for both of you. The best thing you can do for both of you is to be authentic - stand up for yourself, be yourself, stop trying to ,old yourself into his ever-changing 'requirements', demand an M that serves you. D, despite its negative consequences, nay be best for both of you because of its positive consequences.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 29994   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8797796
default

Hippo16 ( member #52440) posted at 2:04 PM on Wednesday, July 5th, 2023

MIgander:

Can't find your history - so guessing you had a AP and involved PA stuff?

SacredSoulSister ( member #83038) posted at 12:14 PM on Wednesday, June 28th, 2023

I can't get over the inappropriate relationship your H has with his woman friend. It influences all of my responses to you.

He wants you to jump through hoops with this job thing. And you might jump through those hoops, and then he'd have more hoops that need jumping through before he'll make a decision regarding whether he's in or out. A decision may never come - just an endless string of hoops. I think he's really invested in being the victim while also being a ridiculous hypocrite because so far he's gotten away with it.

It's been four years. If I'm correct in thinking that you've tried to do everything right and have been working hard on becoming a healthy human and a safe partner, then it's time to start setting boundaries for what you need to stay in this marriage. Being included in the family vacation is a start. Not discounting you to your children is a good start. (What a dick!)

Don't quit the job you love. Not for your H. He's not a good bet.


Agree - do not leave your job.

IF you were, say, a paramedic and your "AP" was a team mate on your ambulance crew - YA, change job. But that doesn't preempt you cheating at your NEXT job. Since (guessing) you don't see AP/interact normally in course of work. Nah, keep the job.

Regarding your husband and marriage - BSR says it:

There is a scenario where you can both:

- Have control over your own careers

- Have control over your own finances

- Date people whom you find wildly attractive, and vice versa

- Be honest with your children, church, and community

- Stop white knuckling it to meet your partner's incompatible expectations

- Live in a relationship with no crushing baggage of inadequacy, failure, betrayal, or blame


It's called divorce... and I don't think you can accomplish a single item on this list if you remain married.


What comes to mind regarding your marriage (as best I can read from your posts) is a scene (video) of old ship being run ashore in Bangladesh for scrapping. ??? Well, unless the ships hull is corroded so thin not safe anymore, the machinery could be replaced and ship made usable (your marriage?) again.

From what I gather, your marriage (the hull) is so corroded by past events that it's time to "run it ashore" for final disposition.

Have you asked yourself if your marriage (a dream?) is attainable?

There's no troubled marriage that can't be made worse with adultery.If you’re looking for an adrenaline rush, why not bungee jumping off a bridge span? For an extra thrill, don’t anchor the cord.

posts: 908   ·   registered: Mar. 26th, 2016   ·   location: OBX
id 8798202
default

emergent8 ( Guide #58189) posted at 6:59 PM on Wednesday, July 5th, 2023

How was your weekend away, Migander?

Me: BS. Him: WS.
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
Happily reconciled.

posts: 2134   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2017
id 8798261
default

 MIgander (original poster member #71285) posted at 10:58 PM on Tuesday, July 11th, 2023

Hi guys, thanks for checking in. Break was good, weekends were good. I spoke with his mom quite a long time and she truly was on my side on the whole J thing and that the comparisons and earlier financial situations were wrong. We talked for the first time really in a few years since the whole thing happened. She made it super clear that she would be sorry to lose me as a daughter in law, pointed out many of the good things about myself that she sees and the interests we mutually enjoy. She wants us to try again for the kids sake and really wanted me to know that both her and dad in law have forgiven me and want to do everything in their power to help us make it work.

Interestingly enough, after that conversation (a few days into break), H comes and tells me that he's cutting off ties with J. laugh I imagine their conversation went something like, "Son, if you really want this marriage to work, you're going to have to choose- your wife or your trashy friend J. Just so you're clear, we'd rather you choose your wife." So that's a plus.

Sisoon:

Letting him do that is terrible for both of you. The best thing you can do for both of you is to be authentic - stand up for yourself, be yourself, stop trying to mold yourself into his ever-changing 'requirements', demand an M that serves you.

This is much the advice my MIL gave me too- she was surprised H was so bothered by my not having blonde hair, "You didn't have blonde hair when you were dating, so why should he care now??" And, "Really, how you dress is not his business. As long as you're keeping it classy and you're not a slob, it doesn't matter anyway. Clothes aren't what's important in life." It really helped to have her input- it was the first time in a long time I've felt I've had a mom. And I've taken her advice to stop giving a fuck about how H feels about my clothes.

Since then, we've hit the reset. I'm not letting him talk in terms other than, "what WE are doing for OUR marriage" and when we're making requests for help from the other it's more about something we can do for the other so that our M is better- not fixing our partner so we can feel better about themselves. I've stood up for myself about J saying, "You're not a coworker any more, she's a personal friend of yours that you see on your own time and your own convenience. For myself, as a wife, I need to meet all your opposite sex personal friends to feel safe in our M." There's some backstory on that, since our MC told us that it was paranoid to have to meet all of each other's opposite sex friends. Well... I'm accepting this about myself- that if someone (any sex) is important enough to my spouse to spend time with outside of work and family time, that I want to meet that person for myself.

Guess H chose to drop J instead of do any work toward integrating her into our "couples friends" group. Trust... but verify for now. He's been open about not talking to her or about her. I'm understanding in that it takes a while for a severed relationship to heal over and there's going to be some "phantom pain" or lingering thought patterns around her. I think, from what I've seen so far over the last 10 days, that he's taking it seriously though. No snapchat, no texting, no scheduling lunches with her.

As to his complaints around my job, I'm taking a search a little more seriously- looking online at other OEM's and Tier 1's again. We're going into a downturn, so there's not a lot out there. I may be able to do a lateral move into another org that doesn't go into my current building on campus. This would be a good career move as it would give me cross functional experience and it's an area adjacent to my current work- I interface with the team I'm thinking of quite extensively. Nothing looks great so far though- lots of jobs with 15%+ travel (more like a week away a month) or daily work with overtime in a plant... as I've seen before. H backed off, when I showed him the saved postings, saying that he's not going to push me into something I hate. I'm WFH more this week and will limit myself to a day on campus and supplier day trips.

H has also made a better effort to sleep together on days he's struggling. When we've had a disagreement, before he would sleep in the guest room, but since he knows it's important to me, he comes in our room for sleep now.

When he comes to me to do a data dump, especially after a good night or a long busy day, I'm able to tell him that it's not a good time and tell him when a good time would be and follow through. He pushes back though- he'd rather dump on me when he's feeling the urge and says, "by the time we talk (24 hrs), I'll have worked through it and be over it and won't need your help.
I need your comfort now." I've asked what I could do in that moment to comfort him, specifically, and he just keeps insisting he wants comfort. Ok, so what comfort exactly? A hug? Listening? I've listened and offered a hug... so, do you want to keep talking for another hour about how unhappy you are about me, with me? That's not going to work any more. It's sounds insensitive to a fresh off the presses BS, but 4 years out and his "issues" with me revolving around inevitable aging and wrinkles and dressing and whatever else (desires for going out all the time or bitter disappointments over cancelled plans due to... life...), I'm really thinking that I should start respecting my time and energy and ask him to schedule the discussion or keep it to 20min if it's a bitch fest about me. Otherwise, I'm burning out and his attitude isn't changing, and most of his problems -except my job- seem to revolve around my external appearance and timeliness... All things which were present in me before me married. Not doing this to be insensitive, but to separate myself from being the source of the problem. At this point, it looks to me like he would be finding dissatisfaction in any woman in his 40's with kids and a full time job. Therefore... not specific to me, not my problem.

I've been better able to push off his comments about my weight, menopause and his negativity. He told me to, "figure it the fuck out," when upset one night about my menopausal weight gain, hot flashes (nightly now... joy) and moodiness. I pushed back and told him that: 1. a supportive partner never says to figure it the fuck out to their partner and 2. I would never have told his teenage self to "figure it the fuck out" when he had embarrassing uncontrolled erections during puberty and 3. that, as a woman, there are things that he will never understand and thus is permanently disqualified from telling me how unhappy he is over what my body is doing to me against even my own wishes (I mean, who wants to gain weight anyway??). Nor is he to tell me what to do about (just as I would never tell a man what to do about any disfunction on their part). He can, as a supportive partner, voice his concerns and give encouragement when he sees me making healthy choices. H didn't like that, "Fine I'll just shut up then and never say anything and lie to you and say it's all fine!" Well, he doesn't have to like it, and part of being M is accepting things about your partner that are beyond your own control or theirs.

Beyond me doing extreme diets and exercise... not much I can do right now. I'm doing my best for what time and energy I have and can and will do better for my own health, but NOT to satisfy his desire for a little trophy wife. rolleyes

One of my friends pointed out that H can't give me anything he doesn't have. That H isn't comfortable with himself aging and thus isn't happy about my aging either. H's mom even said that if her H was complaining about her aging, she'd tell him to go get himself a younger model then. That she's the woman he married, he's aging too, and basically to get over himself. It's nice hearing this advice come from other women who know the situation and are past menopause too- that the men they're married to either get over it or get a younger model and have the joy of dealing with the drama that entails.

WW/BW Dday July 2019. BH/WH- multiple EA's. Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

posts: 1180   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8799068
default

Darkness Falls ( member #27879) posted at 11:06 PM on Tuesday, July 11th, 2023

This is a positive update. I’m glad you are standing up for yourself! I hope the situation improves.

p.s. I’m sure you’re not as petty as I am, but I’d be tempted to remind him that a "younger model" probably wouldn’t be thrilled about his vasectomy…. rolleyes

Married -> I cheated -> We divorced -> We remarried -> Had two kids -> Now we’re miserable again

Staying together for the kids

D-day 2010

posts: 6490   ·   registered: Mar. 8th, 2010   ·   location: USA
id 8799069
default

woodsracer ( member #83407) posted at 1:29 PM on Sunday, July 30th, 2023

It is over when the participants will not match energy to make it work.

posts: 56   ·   registered: Jun. 1st, 2023
id 8801556
default

Hippo16 ( member #52440) posted at 11:45 AM on Wednesday, September 13th, 2023

MIgander

Just read some of your posts after reading a post you made in JFO. Thinking to myself? What is MIganders story.


Well, If there is a book for the ladies similar to "No More Mr. Nice Guy" - you should read it.

If there is a book for the ladies similar to "Married Man's Sex Life Primer" - you should read it.


If I treated my Wife like your 'husband' treats you, I would have become single a few decades ago!

There's no troubled marriage that can't be made worse with adultery.If you’re looking for an adrenaline rush, why not bungee jumping off a bridge span? For an extra thrill, don’t anchor the cord.

posts: 908   ·   registered: Mar. 26th, 2016   ·   location: OBX
id 8807596
default

 MIgander (original poster member #71285) posted at 4:14 PM on Wednesday, September 13th, 2023

Thanks Hippo.

I've stayed off the site quite a bit in terms of posting lately. Been feeling like I'm holding my breath a bit over here with the M. We're mostly living like brother/sister. Helping out with house, kids and family/friends things, but little chemistry between the 2 of us. Still going out on occasional dates. He does help plan them and is eager to get out and have good times together.

H has complained that the "disposable income" we have tends to get disposed as I see fit and not how he sees fit. I thought about it, and realized that I don't approve of his spending because I still don't trust him with financial decisions outside of our regular bills. I shared that with him. He wasn't pleased, but we agreed to go back to the "fun money" system we used to have. That eased things a bit. And improves things too- it now feels more special when he treats me out to something on his own dime. It means that he put that as a priority above himself. He took us out to Detroit and we had a good time. I decided to use my money to pay for a day trip to the beach on Lake Michigan for the family. I'm liking the new system.

H wants to do a prayer group again with other couples. That's where he started his EA with Del. Each time we talk about this, I've made it abundantly clear that before I am willing to do set that up, I need to see him pursuing his own personal relationship with God and mending our relationship in the spiritual arena. That I'm not comfortable sharing him spiritually in an intimate manner with other women until we have that squared away for ourselves. I told him, "well, you screwed the pooch on that last time, so I need to see some improvement before I'm willing to set this up." H didn't like the wording of that- said it was harsh. I agreed and apologized. He's starting to understand why I don't want to start up another prayer group. Since it requires work on his end and investment in us in a vulnerable manner, I don't see it happening any time soon.

H does the dad's club at our school- they arrange the dances, some of the fund raising and run the athletics for the school. The meetings start with an hour of business and end with about 2 hours of drinking, eating and joking around. No big deal. A lot of them are what we call the "country club Catholic" crowd and quite a few are very immature. H told me he had a funny story to tell me after the most recent meeting. "One guy was talking about getting an STD test at Planned Parenthood. Turns out they have a sliding scale for pay. He thought about putting in his $200k income, but didn't want to have to pay a lot for his test. Said he felt bad about lying and putting $40k on the line until he realized, 'hell- they're back there killing babies, why should I care?!'" H thought that was really funny. It didn't have the same effect on me. He asked why I didn't think it was funny. WELL...
1. guy was married and getting an STD test
2. guy was hiding it by going to Planned Parenthood instead of his GP
3. guy knew going to PP instead of his GP would mean that no "Explanation of Benefits" bill would be sent to his home and outing him
4. guy didn't (according to H) tell his wife
5. WHY THE HELL IS A "FAITHFUL" MARRIED MAN GETTING AN STD TEST???

H said we don't know the circumstances- that his wife could be cheating for all we knew. If that was the case, he would go to his GP- he has nothing to hide (unless it's too shameful for him... but still!). If he was too ashamed, he could have gone to some random urgent care clinic and see a Dr that he'd never need to see again to get it done. No one does a deal with the devil if they're an honest person. H didn't think it was that big a deal. I told him that he needs to find better friends- it's a shitty person that goes behind his wife's back getting an STD test and not telling her. That it sounds to me like he's screwing around behind her back. H said that it's a bit rich coming from me of all people. I told him that I've changed in the past 4 years and that if he still saw me as a WW that it was his problem and showed that he had an inaccurate picture of me.

I told him I was disappointed in him. That I expected better of him. I said that especially after all he'd been through, I would have expected him to at least be appalled by this guy's behavior and not think it was funny. At best, I would have hoped he would have expressed disgust with his behavior saying something like, "Hey man, not cool. Why do you even need to be checked? Did you tell your wife you needed an STD check?" He countered that he didn't know the situation and that she could have been the cheater. Even so, I said the fact that he thought lying to PP about his income (while also "humble bragging" about it) was funny was really disgusting to me. That even going to PP for STD's is gross. That he has health insurance and if he wasn't hiding anything, he could have used his doctor.

We then had a discussion about friends and my fears of him following around these immature and worldly people. That none of his close friends were really happy or pursuing the things that I am finding important- family, faith and honest personal growth. That I felt like our priorities are different. He agreed that we're moving apart, but said that I'm assuming things about his friends since I didn't know them. I told him that I've been asking to meet them. Again, he pushed back and said that I needed to arrange things with my work people too then. I've agreed with that and will set some stuff up. I'm actually working on it.

Since he was getting defensive, I put it back on his behavior and his actions. I told him, regardless of his friends, I've noticed him pursuing physical appearance in the form of severe dieting (one meal a day only) and purchasing expensive clothes and pursuing going out drinking with friends. That his behavior is mirroring that in many ways of his brother in law that doesn't do jack for his family. That I was concerned because he wasn't behaving like the person I know he could be. That it's hard for us when we don't eat family dinners anymore because he's not eating. That it's hard for me to make 2 dinners to accommodate his diet in addition to what me and the kids eat. He agreed to sit down and eat a salad to keep us company and has made more of a point to eat with us. I've also been cooking dinners that align more with his diet (basically make the carb as separate entity so he can opt out of it). So that's improved.

H started talking to J again. sad He's still unhappy about my work situation. Lather rinse repeat. He's stopped with the comments on my appearance. Stopped pressuring me to look a certain way. He's been kind, but he's pretty depressed. Basically, I think he's going through a mid life crisis and still dealing with the aftermath of my affair. In maladaptive ways, sure, aside from the dieting and exercise (he's looking great and BP is down). It's gotta be hard to be saddled with a fWW who is aging, has gained a bit of weight, has hot flashes and fatigue. Who's not getting any more fertile when he still states he'd like another baby and be a better father than he was to our first 2. Who works at the same building as her fAP. Who's interested in different things and disappointed in his behavior.

I have empathy for him, but, despite his better body, little attraction to him. I'm not sure if it's a combination of fatigue, menopause, lack of shared goals in life, his immaturity... I don't know. I did desire physical intimacy and approached him twice where he turned me down. That was hard. H said he's numb to rejection since I do that so often and so often don't initiate or want to make love any more. That he's indifferent to it. It was a few days after I told him I was disappointed in him. It was baffling at first to me, because one of his complaints is that I don't initiate often enough. And here I was, initiating... I thought it would be helpful for us to bridge the divide (and really, I was feeling it because hormonally I was at that point in my cycle). That hopefully it would make amends for some of the times I rejected his advances. But he explained he was still down about the fight and not feeling it. So we snuggled instead, which was good. Definitely gained more empathy for him that night.

H has helped enormously in helping me mend fences with my sisters. He made peace with the one who was willing (eager actually) to pay for our D. He's arranged times for us to meet up and get together. That's been really good and meant a TON to me. It was tough dealing with him being new best friends with them and saying how awesome they were and how he can talk to them about things that he can't share with me (botox, plastic surgery, extreme dieting). He understands I don't feel comfortable with that because of issues from the one sister calling me fat, ugly, stupid, worthless piece of shit every day of my life from middle school until she graduated high school and moved out when I entered 11th grade. 5 years of my adolescence. I've healed that part of me and she's apologized and become a better person. Still... there's a scar. I don't feel comfortable around extreme dieters since the abusive sister was anorexic too and even though she abused me, I was still scared for her dying from starving herself. I am very anxious when people I love and care about aren't eating well. Both my sisters are 5'2" and both weigh about 100lbs now. One sister (who had a COVID baby) lost all her baby fat in less than a year's time. AWESOME. Except... she's getting scary thin. My abuser sister was always scary thin, so no surprises there.

BUT... I'm worried. And anxious. That's for me to deal with, and I'm working on it. Just doesn't help when H is all best buddies now with the very people I was compared negatively to and who abused me growing up. I'm happy he's healed the relationship with them. Really I am. My sisters do love me and I do love them. We're making steps toward healing and that's hopeful. I love their kids and am so happy the cousins are getting back together more often.

It's so mixed though because H is idealizing them again like he did all the other EA's he's had over the years. That initial hit of, "WOW! I've made an awesome female friend and she's SO COOL!!" And: "It's so nice to have so much in common with them on things that I can't really share with you." mad It's so confusing. And beautiful. And painful. Does life ever run smoothly? I just want to have a relationship with my sisters that isn't complicated by competition with my H for admiration and attention. All I really want is for him to have a similar level of admiration for me. I'm really jealous of my sisters and any woman he idealizes. Why can't that be me? Why can't he temper his admiration with reality? Like, yeah, my sisters are awesome people. BUT, they've also caused a lot of hurt- either directly or by enabling- and they're not by any means perfect. Why can't H have a balanced approach to other women and a more balanced approach to me? I wouldn't be so jealous if he were more affectionate, warm and doting on me like he is on other women. But... I'm not skinny, blonde, stylish, worldly, COOL like they are. rolleyes According to him, it's more natural for him to get along with these people because he doesn't feel judged for his interests and they're after the same things he is... and they're blonde and skinny and stylish. Because those are the things he's after. look

Why can't I decide to just make peace and accept my H for who he is, accept the M as it is or D? All I've really done is work on indifference. Pushing down hurt, desire, longing and disappointment. H communicates his loneliness. I communicate my disappointment. It's like we have all the ingredients for a good M. I'm smart, attractive, hard working, funny (when I'm comfortable around the people I'm with) and affectionate. H is hard working, dedicated, disciplined, kind, good looking and funny. He's very personable when he's comfortable of not being judged. I think we've both judged each other so much over the years that there's this built up sense of rejection and criticism. How do we overcome that?

We're in limbo. He's asked for us to make plans for what we're doing and where we're going. I change the subject. Really, what's got to happen in my mind is that he makes peace with the situation, in whatever way that looks like to him. Just as I had to make peace with his one sided vasectomy. With his one sided withholding of affection around that time. With his decisions to put our family at grave financial risk. With his string of EA's. It's been hard, but I have. As many of the BS's on this site have had to learn, there's things we can't control in a relationship, that our spouse can do shitty things that affect us on a gut level, but it's our job to do our own work healing. That the work of healing often changes who we are. I've got scars around mystery personal female friends. Around what I see as extravagance. Around any WHIFF of comparison or unfair criticism (I mean, I'm 40 and we don't have room in the budget for $250 highlights, $5k lipo and quarterly $500 botox!!! LET ALONE THE EXPENSIVE CLOTHES!!).

I'm waiting for him to grow up. To get a grip on the reality of midlife with kids, aging parents, jobs and home to run. To get a grip on our craft brew budget and let go of the champagne and caviar dreams. To wake up and see his pursuits for what they are- a means to obtain external validation from people who really aren't going to be there when the car crashes, the cancer is diagnosed or the kid gets pregnant. If there's a crisis, I know of 2-3 people I can call in an instant outside of family who will drop everything. His vain friend J... she may sympathize over snapchat, but you can bet she's not going to be driving over with a bottle of wine, pizza and a shoulder to cry on. Maybe if H divorces me. HAH. Then he can be the next in her string of daddy issues lovers she allows to abuse her so she can get an expensive purse off them laugh . In that case... he'll be welcome to her! laugh

Anyhow. I'm being patient and hanging in there and working on myself. Getting my health back in order. Working out more often and eating healthier. Not to fit into clothes, but to have more energy and enjoy my life more. Getting my friends prioritized. Making new friends via volunteering at church. Reaching out to people I know have the same values and care about PEOPLE first and not things. Healing my relationship with my sisters and old friends like R. (R's the one I had a falling out over a mutual friend's, T, A and T swearing us to secrecy. I didn't stay quiet and told R's H about it as R's H is besties with T's H. R's H told T to talk in a month or he would. She told her BH).

So, while I'm not satisfied in my M (and neither is my H), I'm pursuing my own improvement, being patient with H and staying true to myself. I've also made it a priority in my mind to be kinder to H, do small things out of love for him (coffee in the morning, calling/texting more often, planning date nights). It's not perfect, but I'd say it's a friends with benefits situation and I can live here for quite some time while seeking outside support from friends. None of which is bad... so, yeah.

WW/BW Dday July 2019. BH/WH- multiple EA's. Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

posts: 1180   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8807625
Topic is Sleeping.
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.001.20240523a 2002-2024 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy