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General :
Caught her in a lie, might be done

Topic is Sleeping.
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 4:18 AM on Monday, June 26th, 2023

I took 18 months before I went for D. (XWH confessed in our MC session that he sexually assaulted his 30-something year old niece. He didn't know why I asked if she was pressing charges because he's ok with his behavior.) "

I knew it would suck. But I also knew that I could embrace the suck, process through the stages of grief, and come to SI when I needed.

Give yourself lots of grace. Take care of yourself and realize that it's a time when you're not going to feel normal. Being a little further out now, I watch how I'm doing in the major dday month. I have a tendency to isolate, so I make sure that I don't just sit on the couch and avoid life. It's not always easy but it does get better each year.

The tough part is that it overlaps with some major life events. My FIL was diagnosed with cancer in March. My mom was diagnosed with cancer in Aprilj, and both passed in May. My MIL passed from cancer in March 2 years later. Dday1 was 2 years later.

For me, I've grieved for my M. I'm so much happier and more content than I've ever been. I'm adjusting to being single and doing things on my but I enjoy being on my own.

There are some good stories in New Beginnings.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3329   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8796909
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 InkHulk (original poster member #80400) posted at 5:26 AM on Monday, June 26th, 2023

I’m on a work trip and as soon as I walked out into my hotel room I just pictured her walking into one with him waiting inside. I just had (or more accurately am currently having) the most painful ugliest cry I’ve had in many months. And it feels so isolated, and like no one will ever know or have space for this pain, it’s just mine to feel. She’s destroyed my joy, my love, my life. I’m so sad, so angry, blown apart. What’s the word for that?

People are more important than the relationships they are in.

posts: 1793   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
id 8796910
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NowWhat106 ( member #35497) posted at 8:35 AM on Monday, June 26th, 2023

You’ve been heard, InkHulk. I know that complete loneliness of feeling that no one in the world can understand the depth of this pain. It’s horrible and feels like it’s too much for a body to hold.

I’m just sending you a huge hug of understanding and support tonight. There is nothing like this. Nothing.

Hang on. This night will pass too. I’m so sorry for your pain. You’re not alone.

Me BS
Him WS
LTEA with old HS GF from 25+ years ago
DD #1: 10/6/2011
DD #2: 10/21/2011
2DS under18
My marriage didn’t survive but I did

posts: 592   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2012
id 8796912
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ramius ( member #44750) posted at 8:38 AM on Monday, June 26th, 2023

What’s the word for that?

Gutted.

How many scars have you rationalized because you loved the person who was holding the knife?

Their actions reveal their intentions. Their words conceal them.

posts: 1655   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2014
id 8796913
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Lurkingsoul12 ( member #82382) posted at 9:23 AM on Monday, June 26th, 2023

We know.

Even though this is a painful experience, this episode will help you heal. Unhibited, and raw venting of these ugly and unfiltered emotions through stream of tears is a good coping mechanism that is meant to heal you. Cry as much as you want. We are all here for you with you. Hugs..

posts: 457   ·   registered: Nov. 12th, 2022
id 8796917
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Justsomeguy ( member #65583) posted at 3:16 PM on Monday, June 26th, 2023

I apologize if I get this wrong, as it's been a bit since I read your thread. Not survive you are R or D, but I wanted to respond to how you are feeling.

Five years ago, I was in the depths of it. I felt my life was a waste of time and I would never feel anying but despair ever again. It took a lot of work, but here I am, five years later and I can honestly say I am as healed as I can probably get. I laugh again, I smile, I feel hope. Life is pretty good. I chose to D, which was the right thing for me to do, as it git me away from the source of my trauma. Can't stitch the wound with the knife still in your back. Some can R, but my WW was never R material.

The grief and pain will pass, even if you feel they are perminant fixtures in your life. You are not your emotions. You merely experience them.

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 3:16 PM, Monday, June 26th]

I'm an oulier in my positions.

Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced 20

posts: 1786   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8796951
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 3:56 PM on Monday, June 26th, 2023

The pain of being betrayed has to be resolved no matter what you do after d-day. And the 1st antiversary is almost always a terrible shock to the BS's system.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 29809   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8796956
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 InkHulk (original poster member #80400) posted at 4:16 PM on Monday, June 26th, 2023

Any suggestions on how to spend the first anti-versary on the road? Also anything to watch out for to keep myself safe and not do something I regret?

Edit: let’s keep suggestions reasonable. Not drinking is just not an option. wink

[This message edited by InkHulk at 4:46 PM, Monday, June 26th]

People are more important than the relationships they are in.

posts: 1793   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
id 8796959
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straightup ( member #78778) posted at 7:38 PM on Monday, June 26th, 2023

I’m so sad, so angry, blown apart. What’s the word for that?

It’s amazing how piercingly insightful expressions enter everyday language and when you’re lived a little, you look at the phrase and just say, wow, that’s apt, that captures it.

For me:

- ‘Gutted’ a commonly used expression in my Country for disappointed. But now I actually have experienced that feeling of having your insides removed, like a fish.
- ‘Beside myself with grief’ - like genuinely on the outside looking in.
- ‘Decimated’ - from when the Roman legions would kill 1 in 10 of a group as punishment.

I think ‘blown apart’ is one of those. A person wrote that once as a very accurate description of what she or he was feeling. Now you have those words.

Mate - Just make an early night of it. Call your kids but don’t over burden them. Tomorrow’s a new day.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
Mother Teresa

posts: 342   ·   registered: May. 11th, 2021   ·   location: Australia
id 8796994
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WontBeFooledAgai ( member #72671) posted at 7:45 PM on Monday, June 26th, 2023

I would say that rage is completely NORMAL. In fact, it would be normal even if your WW's cheating and post-DD behavior--and frankly, your WW's selfishness throughout your marriage, were not half as destructive as yours was.

But, in all seriousness, as understandable as it is that you want to drink, please do not, at least not to any access. You will not feel better the next morning, and if anything you will feel worse. If you were local I would buy you a (perhaps NA) beer though!

Can you get yourself outdoors at all? A hike where the weather is nice can do wonders. Bonus if you are near a beach, something about getting out anger by trying to throw a stone all the way across the ocean, can be therapeutic.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 7:50 PM, Monday, June 26th]

posts: 860   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2020
id 8796996
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 InkHulk (original poster member #80400) posted at 9:29 PM on Monday, June 26th, 2023

You know what, I am by a nice beach. And beautiful mountains. Doing something I will be proud of at a beautiful location sounds a lot better than some of my other ideas. Thanks, friends.

People are more important than the relationships they are in.

posts: 1793   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
id 8797007
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JasonCh ( member #80102) posted at 4:00 AM on Tuesday, June 27th, 2023

Be well InkHulk.

posts: 438   ·   registered: Mar. 18th, 2022
id 8797042
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OnTheOtherSideOfHell ( member #82983) posted at 4:17 AM on Tuesday, June 27th, 2023

When I was in the throws of pain I went to a shooting range and blasted away at the target. You can imagine the face I imagined on that target. It was oddly comforting. A friend of mine went AX throwing. I promise, this excruciating pain , shall pass one day one way or the other. You will laugh again, sing to the radio, enjoy a movie, etc…: Father Time is healing, but a super slow bastard.

posts: 190   ·   registered: Feb. 28th, 2023   ·   location: SW USA
id 8797045
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 InkHulk (original poster member #80400) posted at 4:24 AM on Tuesday, June 27th, 2023

Father Time is healing, but a super slow bastard.

laugh laugh laugh

People are more important than the relationships they are in.

posts: 1793   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
id 8797046
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 InkHulk (original poster member #80400) posted at 4:28 AM on Tuesday, June 27th, 2023

Mate - Just make an early night of it. Call your kids but don’t over burden them. Tomorrow’s a new day.

Can’t buy better advice than that.

People are more important than the relationships they are in.

posts: 1793   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
id 8797047
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Ozzy1788 ( member #83108) posted at 9:45 AM on Tuesday, June 27th, 2023

I have read your story but haven't contributed until now. The word "gutted" really is apt.

Being by the beach or the mountains sounds like a wonderful place to be. One of my counsellors said to me, if you are ever feeling really down, forget everyone else, think of your favourite place to be, and make every effort to go there. Mountains and beaches would be very high on my list. I find looking out to see or at the view in the mountains helps me to think about how much world is out there and that I am actually a very small part of it. It helps me put my problems in perspective.

Not sure if that will help you or not but thought it was worth putting down.

All the best.

[This message edited by Ozzy1788 at 2:10 PM, Tuesday, June 27th]

posts: 168   ·   registered: Mar. 23rd, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8797060
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 1:36 PM on Tuesday, June 27th, 2023

it sometimes feels like they are not taking into account the fact that you were by their side while they gave birth to your children, while they mourned dead loved ones, all of the other ups and downs of marriage.

Ozzy..not one person has screamed at him. That's such a slap in the face of many of us who have helped OP,and all the other BS here. Not all support looks like nodding your head and hand holding. Also,you seem to forget where you are. Every person who has responded in this thread is either a BS,or a WS. Mostly BS. We have been exactly where he is. You seem to think we don't know how he feels,or what he is going through. Guess what? I gave birth to 4 of my husband's kids. Took care of both of his elderly parents,as they both dealt with dementia,until they passed. Parented with him,through horrible,tragic situations thathappened to the kids. Have helped each other through the death of all of our parents. He still cheated. None of the past means I owed him to continue to keep myself in a marriage in which I'm not safe. No wayward is owed a dozen chances. Every BS needs peace. He's been at this a lot longer than you. And your situation is 100% different than his.

End t/j

Ink..I'm really sorry you're struggling right now. Try to do something today that makes you smile. You will be ok.

[This message edited by HellFire at 4:17 PM, Tuesday, June 27th]

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6628   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8797075
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Ozzy1788 ( member #83108) posted at 2:00 PM on Tuesday, June 27th, 2023

Wow HF, I was talking about people in real life I have spoken to. I edited the post to remove that bit as I had no intention of triggering anyone and am genuinely saddened that writing it has caused that reaction from you.

[This message edited by Ozzy1788 at 2:13 PM, Tuesday, June 27th]

posts: 168   ·   registered: Mar. 23rd, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8797076
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 InkHulk (original poster member #80400) posted at 2:32 PM on Tuesday, June 27th, 2023

Happy anti-versary, SI. Here’s to many more. Been a hell of a year, so glad I had you all on the journey.

People are more important than the relationships they are in.

posts: 1793   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
id 8797080
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 InkHulk (original poster member #80400) posted at 2:34 PM on Tuesday, June 27th, 2023

Ozzy, I appreciate the note. I’ve only peaked in enough on your story to know your life is complicated. So it means a lot to me for you to take time to commiserate and may we both find more peace in our lives.

People are more important than the relationships they are in.

posts: 1793   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
id 8797081
Topic is Sleeping.
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