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Caught her in a lie, might be done

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 InkHulk (original poster member #80400) posted at 2:45 AM on Tuesday, May 16th, 2023

I just caught my wife in a major lie of omission about the affair. I had wanted to talk to my daughter for a while about whether POSOM had ever been inappropriate toward her during the hobby times. She utterly shocked me in telling me that the bastard had been privately texting her last summer!!! Like, WHAT???? She was 16, had just gotten a phone, hadn’t been around POSOM for more than a year, and yet somehow that fucker was texting my daughter. Her boyfriend apparently saw some of it over her shoulder and thought it was creepy enough to suggest she should cut it off. And my daughter told me that shortly after D-day that my wife took her phone, blocked POSOM’s number and deleted the thread.
I confronted my wife directly. She admitted to lying and hiding this, but that is too late. She is saying that she didn’t know the texting was happening in real time, but how would my daughter would end up in contact with him? And how can I believe her anymore? She said she was afraid I would be mad and was afraid of what I would do. Well, she’s going to find out now.
I told her we are separating. She’s in the walk in closet a few feet from me packing. I don’t know if she is going to go to the room downstairs or if she’s leaving the house. I don’t care.

People are more important than the relationships they are in.

posts: 2013   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
id 8790990

This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 3:11 AM on Tuesday, May 16th, 2023

I don't have a daughter, so I can only imagine the rage.

Sending strength.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 2646   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8790995

leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 3:50 AM on Tuesday, May 16th, 2023

Your daughter probably didn't know what to do. Please reinforce that she did nothing with and anytime somebody starts crossing the line, she can come to you.

I don't know if there was anything mentioned in the texts that would be important for turning in to authorities. Did he do anything IRL to her?

I'd let OBS know because he could end up in jail if AP does cross the line with an underage person.

So sorry, IH.

As a CSA, this makes me so angry on behalf of your DD.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3460   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8790997

NowWhat106 ( member #35497) posted at 4:30 AM on Tuesday, May 16th, 2023

No words, InkHulk, just support and sadness for you. She brought danger into your home and to your daughter through her betrayal. Giving her AP access to her daughter is just unspeakable. Involving children is to me the biggest violation and betrayal a parent can commit. I understand how that is unforgivable as is the fact that she would still hold this lie to cover her own ass. She left you powerless to protect your daughter from him through her dishonesty.

Take care of yourself and your daughter. I’m so sorry.

[This message edited by NowWhat106 at 4:32 AM, Tuesday, May 16th]

Him WS
LTEA with old HS GF from 25+ years ago
DD #1: 10/6/2011
DD #2: 10/21/2011
2DS under18
My marriage didn’t survive but I did

posts: 608   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2012
id 8791001

Tanner ( Guide #72235) posted at 4:37 AM on Tuesday, May 16th, 2023

This is absolutely awful. I’m so sorry brother. She protected the AP and not your daughter. Time to run!!! You need to get to bottom of this and find how far that POS went.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R BH M 32 years

posts: 3450   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8791003

 InkHulk (original poster member #80400) posted at 4:37 AM on Tuesday, May 16th, 2023

Alright, SI, I need help. These are deleted texts from an iPhone from about a year ago. Is there any way to get these back? There are no computer back ups and no other devices attached to the account.

People are more important than the relationships they are in.

posts: 2013   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
id 8791004

Sufi22 ( new member #75842) posted at 4:51 AM on Tuesday, May 16th, 2023

I rarely post but have been following your thread. I'm so sorry this came out. I agree that she was (again) more interested in protecting the OM than her daughter, let alone you. As someone whose daughter turned 16 during my WW's affair, it's triggering to even think about. Given her history of lying to about the scope, depth and length of her affair, this may be unrecoverable. In terms of recovering deleted messages, I wouldn't try it yourself after a year, I suggest you pay for a professional data service. I would also think about whether it's time to confront the other man with his (at the least) grooming behavior. You may find him more interested in talking with you when there's a child abuse/molestation charge in the mix. And please protect your daughter. Stay strong you have a lot of support here.

BH-60s WW-50s M 23 years DD 20D-day: Aug 3 2018WW had 2 year EA(maybe PA) and 1 year ongoing contactUpdate 3/22 Found her breakup diary. Full 2 year PA only ended because he cheated on her and broke up.

posts: 25   ·   registered: Nov. 11th, 2020
id 8791006

rambler ( member #43747) posted at 4:51 AM on Tuesday, May 16th, 2023

Talk to a PI. A year is a long time. You may be able to talk with your provider as wrll.

making it through

posts: 1412   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2014   ·   location: Chicago
id 8791007

 InkHulk (original poster member #80400) posted at 5:15 AM on Tuesday, May 16th, 2023

Alright, Hellfire, now you can hate my wife.

People are more important than the relationships they are in.

posts: 2013   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
id 8791009

Lurkingsoul12 ( member #82382) posted at 7:25 AM on Tuesday, May 16th, 2023

I am little confused here. Was that your wife texting her AP through your daughter's phone?? Or was that your daughter? How did he get her number? Did your wife gave it to him? If yes, then why? Will it be too traumatic to your daughter if you ask her what kind of messages was he sending her?
Did he try to reach out to your daughter through any other means (social media, going to places where your daughter visits frequently etc) after your wife blocked his number?

[This message edited by Lurkingsoul12 at 9:20 AM, Tuesday, May 16th]

posts: 457   ·   registered: Nov. 12th, 2022
id 8791011

RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 8:52 AM on Tuesday, May 16th, 2023

Yeah, I was wondering the same as Lurkingsoul^^

How did he get your daughter’s number?

I have three daughters and can vividly imagine your rage. My WW did some idiotic shit-as all waywards do, but exposing our children to the AP…

Anyways, you can turn your phone into a Digital Forensics investigator. One year is not too long, You can try a reset restore function:

Step 1: Open Settings and tap on your name or picture at the top.

Step 2: Select iCloud > Manage Storage > Backups.

Step 3: Search to see if your old text messages are included in a prior back up.

Step 4: Restore your iPhone to the old backup.

Or you can ask your daughter or, you can ask your WW. Tell her you’re sending the phone out for text recovery and if her story doesn’t match what the PI turns up…

I just want to caution you that there’s a good chance that you won’t find anything actionable. You’ve already got a lot on your plate. Don’t get too distracted building a case against the AP at the expense of a stable child rearing environment and; while your WW stands on the sidelines in a continuing wayward state and; while you and your kid’s future disposition sits on the back burner.

Keep your eyes on the ball and get you and your kids to stable ground.

I/we got so distracted, preoccupied with all this affair crap that we all but missed our kid’s formative adolescent teen years, the most important years in child development, when kids are most vulnerable to toxic domestic environments.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 9:18 AM, Tuesday, May 16th]

posts: 1307   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8791012

BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 11:17 AM on Tuesday, May 16th, 2023

I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I know that one of the things you were hanging on to as a pillar of reconciliation was the fact that she had been such a good and devoted mother… but now you know that she let a creep into your daughter’s life and covered for him.

How the hell did OM even get your daughter’s contact information?

Did your wife continue the affair with OM even after she found out he was sending your daughter inappropriate messages? The reason I ask is because it seems like Dday was the impetus for deleting the messages, not the content of the messages themselves. That certainly undermines your wife’s claim that she didn’t know what was happening in real time.

Either way, the fact that your wife, a victim of CSA, would be complicit in covering up for this POS and either covertly or explicitly demand your daughter’s silence is absolutely disgusting.

As someone else said, when you talk to your daughter about this, try to keep your cool as much as possible. Make it clear that you don’t blame her at all for what her mother did and how the OM behaved with her. Also emphasize that she is not to blame for any of the fallout that might occur as a result of your discovery. This has been a terrible burden for your daughter to carry!

As for recovering the messages, if your daughter still has the same phone, it might be possible to recover them if you take them to a professional. It won’t be possible if she has a different device now.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 11:20 AM, Tuesday, May 16th]

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 1966   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8791020

HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 11:58 AM on Tuesday, May 16th, 2023

This isn't a lie of omission. This is a huge secret involving your child.

Also,she had to convince your child to lie to you about it. The turmoil that must have caused your daughter. She fucking traumatized your child.

Predators often use women,to get to their daughter.

And she chose to protect him,over her.

I'm so sorry.

In order to successfully retrieve deleted texts,it needs to be done as soon as possible. The fact that this was done a year ago,and I'm sure she's used her phone quite often,the info is gone.

What does your daughter say he was saying he was saying to her?

She knew he was texting her child. The only way to have gotten her number, is from your wife.

Your daughter was in danger. She may still be.

This will be hard to hear..but it's possible he convinced your daughter they're friends. She may have continued messaging after your stbxw deleted the thread.

I'm so sorry.

[This message edited by HellFire at 12:01 PM, Tuesday, May 16th]

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6703   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8791023

The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 12:11 PM on Tuesday, May 16th, 2023

For the life of me I will not understand WHY your wife did not tell you IMMEDIATELY upon learning what the AP was doing.

Talk about betrayal — she did it yet again!

I would respond just like you. In fact we had an incident last year with a birthday party. I stated my concerns to my H and he agreed with me. We were both in agreement on how to handle a particular situation.

Until I found out he went behind my back and did the exact opposite. I was furious b/c we agreed in advance this was not going to happen. Not only that he didn’t have the courage or respect to tell me when it happened. He was hoping I would not find out.

So I told him very calmly this betrayal was the last straw. Two affairs and now this - I am done. I started looking to move b/c I don’t have the energy to go through this trauma again.

I think it woke him up b/c he realized if I cannot trust his word I need to move on. He finally got it.

I wish your wife would have gotten it too. So sorry for you.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13944   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8791025

HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 12:23 PM on Tuesday, May 16th, 2023

There was no good reason for him to be messaging your daughter. Absolutely none. No grown man who is having an affair with the mother, needs to be texting her child. He was 100% preying on her. Your wife basically said, "here's my kid,welcome to her!"

I'm sure she will tell you some lie she told herself to make this acceptable.

It doesn't matter. As parents, we must be diligent when it comes to the safety of our children. She completely failed to protect your daughter.

This isn't ok. This will never be ok.

Don't confront him about the grooming. He will deny it,and you might lose your temper. Tell his wife.

Your wife is stupid. Blocking him on the phone, doesn't stop him from contacting her elsewhere. She probably knew that.

[This message edited by HellFire at 12:29 PM, Tuesday, May 16th]

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6703   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8791028

Lurkingsoul12 ( member #82382) posted at 12:31 PM on Tuesday, May 16th, 2023

The act of involving her kids in her affair related hobby just to continue her tyrst with that POS itself demonstrates how stupid and dangerous her mind works. She not only put your sons at risk but also your daughter.

posts: 457   ·   registered: Nov. 12th, 2022
id 8791029

Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 1:39 PM on Tuesday, May 16th, 2023

What’s your goal InkHead… ehh…. HULK!

If it’s that this lie is too big to get over, then file.
I get it. It is a big lie and lies by omission are probably worse than normal lies.

But realize why you are angry at your wife. I have a feeling it might be from several angles:
There is of course the infidelity and all it brought with it.
There is the lying by omission.
Then there is that the OM was contacting your young daughter…
Then there is the anger that your wife opened up your home to this vampire.
The anger that you have to take all these steps to defend your family from this unnecessary threat.

Plenty of reasons to be angry, but the lying by omission… it’s IMHO an expected and relatively smaller cause for anger. Your WW would possibly be one of very few that did tell you everything, but the general rule is that things that might have seemed insignificant at the time can become major issues down the road.

So InkHulk – if you are venting then vent away.
Only make 100% certain your wife understands even better what she has opened your family up for and the importance of 100% honesty.

If this was the final straw… then accept it and move on. Start the process of ending it.

I do want to warn about one thing:
Your last two greviances have been on issues concerning the OM. There is the legal action to prevent distribution of personal images, and now the discovery of him chatting with your daughter. I suggest you decide what and how far you are going to go to get him out of your life. Three years from now you hopefully won’t have any interaction whatsoever with him – but you will still be interacting with your wife. Either as your wife, or as your ex-wife but mom of your kids. Get the OM OUT of your life.

If this is

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 12439   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8791038

 InkHulk (original poster member #80400) posted at 1:48 PM on Tuesday, May 16th, 2023

I don’t think this is just another vent, Bigger. This feels different. I think I’m done.

Edit to add: I’m using words like “I think” and “probably” because I’m kind of in shock right now. I guess I don’t give a shit if anyone following thinks I’m being too weak in response, but this is just my brain recalibrating. I have a really hard time believing this isn’t the final straw. This is no longer integrity adjacent.

[This message edited by InkHulk at 1:56 PM, Tuesday, May 16th]

People are more important than the relationships they are in.

posts: 2013   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
id 8791041

straightup ( member #78778) posted at 2:09 PM on Tuesday, May 16th, 2023


You have a protective instinct towards your child. That’s good. But you are also a clever and educated man.

Your daughter is okay, perhaps because you raised her to be smart and good.

You need to make sure your response now serves your daughter, yourself and the rest of your family best.

By all means take time away from your wife, recover the messages or gently ask your daughter about the gist of them. The answers won’t be good, but maybe it’s grooming her, maybe it’s something differently bad (like trying to use her to get back with your wife). It depend on what those messages say.

I am not saying to let the rage die exactly, but to give yourself just enough time to understand the situation properly so as to make the best decision you can.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
Mother Teresa

posts: 357   ·   registered: May. 11th, 2021   ·   location: Australia
id 8791050

 InkHulk (original poster member #80400) posted at 2:12 PM on Tuesday, May 16th, 2023

I am not saying to let the rage die exactly, but to give yourself just enough time to understand the situation properly so as to make the best decision you can.

I hear you, friend. I need to get my wits. But I think this rage is coursing thru my soul and killing off what I had left with my wife, the love.

People are more important than the relationships they are in.

posts: 2013   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
id 8791051
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