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Question for BS.


 Lurkingsoul12 (original poster member #82382) posted at 6:29 PM on Friday, March 17th, 2023

This question is for my general curiosity.

Is there any BS here who were pursued by someone whom you found interesting for various reasons, found them physically attractive and overall had a very good chemistry with them and yet refused to go on the path of infidelity with them? How did you fight the temptation and how did you deal with such people?

Has this happened before your spouse's affair? If yes, then did that experience and understanding of that temptation help you in dealing with your spouse's infidelity? Yes, then how?

posts: 168   ·   registered: Nov. 12th, 2022
id 8782755

ZDZD ( new member #80814) posted at 8:38 PM on Friday, March 17th, 2023

AP and OBS were both long-time good friends of mine. I created OBS a job in my team, so you can imagine our communication was as close as it could get. She is good-looking and she was fun to hang out with.

I made a promise to my wife, and I kept it. It's simply a matter of self-respect.

On a practical level, it meant never to share with a friend what I wouldn't share with my spouse, avoid too much touching, not discussing mutual feelings, and zero flirting.

Me: the BH
Her: the xWW
Married for 10y, 2 children
AP, OBS close friends of many years
Currently divorcing.

posts: 50   ·   registered: Sep. 1st, 2022
id 8782784

Butforthegrace ( member #63264) posted at 8:41 PM on Friday, March 17th, 2023

When I started dating the woman who is now my current wife, we were expressly non-exclusive. My dating life at the time was sort of messy. At some point along the way, when we started falling for each other, my now-wife and I agreed to become exclusive.

I went through the process of breaking off with several casuals and FWB that I had been seeing. In this process, one woman I knew said she wanted to have dinner. Told me that she had a new partner and big news. So I invited them over to my house for dinner.

Long story short, she told me that she realized she was bisexual and had gotten into a serious relationship with another woman (who was the partner that joined her for dinner). But still, she enjoyed men, and her partner had agreed that they could have an experience with a man joining the two of them. "Pro-penetration lesbians" was the term they used. I was to be that man. Then and there. In my bedroom that night. They were both very attractive, by the way. It was not a "butch/femme" lesbian couple.

I took this as a test from God. I politely declined and explained that I had only recently promised my soon-to-be fiance that I would be exclusive.

"The wicked man flees when no one chases."

posts: 4120   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Midwest
id 8782785

NotBrokenJustBent ( new member #82733) posted at 9:09 PM on Friday, March 17th, 2023

Several opportunities for me, but zero consideration for any of them.

1. I was at a friend's lake house while WH and I were engaged. It was a group thing, but WH couldn't make it. My guy friend brought a friend along and this friend was going for me HARD. He was making flirty comments all night which I was clearly and directly shutting down. Then as a group we all went in to the hot tub and he came and sat next to me. I looked right at him, said I was uncomfortable and happily engaged. I stopped drinking immediately, got out of the hot hub, went to bed, and locked my bedroom door.

2. The first time WH and I moved in together (before we were married) we rented a single family home with close friends of ours. One night we had a big party and someone brought a friend who was my first real love that I had intense chemistry with. As soon as he took control of the music and started playing "our songs", I faked a stomach bug and went to bed. I knew the chemistry hadn't ended and strongly felt I had no business even being at the same party, especially while drinking was involved.

3. Just a few weeks before Dday I went out one night with one of my girlfriends. I guy in the bar approached me and asked if I was married. I said yes. He said he didn't care if I didn't care and winked at me. I shut that down quick.

4. WH and I were together 4 years of college and went to different schools so basically every weekend for 4 years at college parties. There were many times throughout that I ran into exes, was directly approached, hit on, etc.

5. I backpacked through Europe twice, 5 weeks total, without WH. Could have had a field day in many different countries.

It honestly makes me more angry. Idk if I just had married blinders on but I never even considered cheating. Not even for a fleeting moment.

We're not broken, just bent
And we can learn to love again

posts: 27   ·   registered: Jan. 17th, 2023
id 8782792

 Lurkingsoul12 (original poster member #82382) posted at 3:31 PM on Saturday, March 18th, 2023

I made a promise to my wife, and I kept it. It's simply a matter of self-respect

Self-respect is the key here. Infidelity is never about your partner. It's always about the one who commits it. It stems from our character flaw, which ultimately results in the lack of self-respect.

On a practical level, it meant never to share with a friend what I wouldn't share with my spouse, avoid too much touching, not discussing mutual feelings, and zero flirting.

This highlights the necessity of open and transparent communication with minimum to no unreasonable or unwanted judgments from both ends. This also highlights the importance of strong boundaries even when you are engaging with your best friends. Boundaries are not only about keeping your partner secure but also not to let yourself in a slippery slope position.

posts: 168   ·   registered: Nov. 12th, 2022
id 8782871

 Lurkingsoul12 (original poster member #82382) posted at 3:33 PM on Saturday, March 18th, 2023


Test from God. This is a big thing in my family. I have been taught since my childhood that every difficulty/temptation we face in our lives is a test of our integrity. This perspective helps in prioritizing our principles, values, and ethics over our misguided selfish interests at any time in our life, especially when we are mighty vulnerable.

You nailed the test, sir. You rejected a threesome with two hot ladies?! Almighty would be mighty impressed by you. You got a special place in a heaven.. 😃

posts: 168   ·   registered: Nov. 12th, 2022
id 8782872

sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 3:48 PM on Saturday, March 18th, 2023

I tutored a guy during one dinner every week for 5-6 months. Every time after the 1st he offered a choice of multiple women to me on his dime, and there were no possible strings attached. (Prostitution was big business in the area.) I refused every time.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 28411   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8782875

 Lurkingsoul12 (original poster member #82382) posted at 3:49 PM on Saturday, March 18th, 2023


I love that the first instinct that kicks in when you are in such situations is to stop drinking. That is spidey sense over there. grin I only wish many waywards would have done the same thing. At least some of them would have a different story to tell today.

You never cheated because you were never broken. May be bent but never broken. Only broken people commit adultery.

posts: 168   ·   registered: Nov. 12th, 2022
id 8782876

PSTI ( member #53103) posted at 5:34 PM on Saturday, March 18th, 2023

It's absolutely all about emotional maturity and making a choice.

When I was 17 years old, I cheated on my first boyfriend. I was away at an overnight summer camp and I had chemistry so hot with one guy in particular that I actually cried because I knew I was going to cheat. Talk about making excuses and avoiding taking responsibility for my own actions.

When I was 21, I was in a similar situation again- it felt almost like the twin of the one before. I was crashing at a friend's house out of town and they were having a party, and I hit it off hard with a very attractive man who was also very into me. And this time? I turned him down and excused myself from the situation. That wasn't the person that I wanted to be. I am not a piece of flotsam in my own life- I make the choices mindfully and pursue what is important to me. I wasn't yet engaged but I was living with xWH and I wasn't going to cheat on him.

I cut myself some slack for making stupid choices at 17. I was a kid and still figuring myself out. But I'm sick and tired of people avoiding responsibility for their decisions. I have a 13 year old son who does that and I'm trying to raise him to understand that we own our choices. Be mindful. Adults should know better and not use that passive bullshit language about being caught up in events or just going along or whatever justification means it's not their fault.

Me: BW, my xH left me & DS after a 14 year marriage for the AP in 2014.

Happily remarried and in an open/polyamorous relationship. DH (married 5 years) & DBF (dating 4 years). Cohabitating happily all together!! <3

posts: 900   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2016
id 8782889

BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 6:02 PM on Saturday, March 18th, 2023

I was in sales in a male-dominated industry my whole career. (Like 250 person sales team and 2 women in it. Only a handful of female customers over all those years). I had opportunities everywhere I went. There were a couple… I’d call them close calls. At a club in Vegas with colleagues and customers, too much alcohol, all dressed up and dancing… things would get tricky. There was more than one where I had to have a colleague walk me to my room make sure I got there and wasn’t followed. Knocks on the door late at night, even customers who had to be reprimanded for getting hands-y or very inappropriate. There’s a subset of sales people who cheat and customers who cheat when they are out of town. I had means and opportunity and always chose the right path, even during the period of the A when I was feeling so unloved and unappreciated by my H and I was really enjoying the attention.

It’s kinda funny that my H and his AP would meet at hotel bars b/c that’s where cheaters go since locals never go to the hotel bars. And I spent my career in those same bars and they were right. They are a mix of business travelers just doing their jobs and business travelers taking advantage of the anonymity and opportunity. barf I don’t look at them the same way when I travel now.

Honestly, just the thought of my H at home was enough. My own personal code was enough. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 5306   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8782895

 Lurkingsoul12 (original poster member #82382) posted at 6:17 PM on Saturday, March 18th, 2023

I was cheated on by first gf when I was 17. It was a physical affair. It all happened behind my back, and to this day, I don't even know who her AP was. I only know his name but nothing beyond it. At 20, I was betrayed again by another girl. This was an emotional affair that happened literally in front of me. This was more painful to me than the first one. Having to see it all happening right in front of me from the beginning till the day I had enough was more traumatic. But, I am glad it all happened (if it was supposed to happen) when it happened. Because, during the process of coming out of that trauma, I learned the importance of self-respect, boundaries, and what maturity actually looks like.

When I was 21, I was in a similar situation again- it felt almost like the twin of the one before.

Even 21 is too young and to show that level of emotional maturity and restraint against temptation at that age after having committed infidelity only a few years go is actually pretty commendable and highlights the strength of your character that you had attained by that age. There are lots of people out there who never attain that level of strength even at the age of 50. Kudos to you, mam.

posts: 168   ·   registered: Nov. 12th, 2022
id 8782896

 Lurkingsoul12 (original poster member #82382) posted at 6:29 PM on Saturday, March 18th, 2023


Was he a pimp?

It's annoying that he repeatedly made that offer even after you rejecting it every time. Some people really don't understand the meaning of 'No'. They are usually either sales people or pimps grin laugh

posts: 168   ·   registered: Nov. 12th, 2022
id 8782898

 Lurkingsoul12 (original poster member #82382) posted at 6:52 PM on Saturday, March 18th, 2023


Working in that environment seems very toxic, uncomfortable, and sometimes even horrifying to a woman. I don't know how you even tolerated such an environment.

Your commitment to walk the right path needs a lot of praise. Such commitment comes with its own rewards, which unfortunately waywards have never experienced. Sanity and maturity do wonders to one's self-respect and esteem, which are basic requirements for a happy life. Obviously, you have enjoyed the perks of being mature and sane, and so, you never had any reason to walk the wrong path or the shortest.

posts: 168   ·   registered: Nov. 12th, 2022
id 8782901

Notagain6526 ( new member #82911) posted at 7:27 PM on Saturday, March 18th, 2023

Lots of opportunities. Work, nights out, childhood friends etc

I think it comes down to self confidence and wanting an ego boost. I never needed that from someone else I was secure with my husband and children.

That's where we were polar opposites

posts: 41   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2023
id 8782903

RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 10:02 PM on Saturday, March 18th, 2023

I went back to college latter in life to work on a second degree. I was older than the rest of the male student body. There was plenty of opportunity. I was propositioned by a class mate that I got to know. She was gorgeous, very sexual and had that twisted sense of humor I love. I remembered being very situationally aware. I couldn’t see anything good coming of it. I remember imagining the pain and devastation it would cause.

I remember thinking how fucked up it would be.

I remember thinking, in that moment, that there would be absolutely no way I could ever disassociate or compartmentalize enough to even slightly enjoy the sex. I remember thinking that there would be absolutely no way to rationalize or minimize it or, recover from it.

This is why I’ve always had a hard time empathizing with the whole Affair Fog concept. Perhaps in a drunken ONS, but anything more than that…

It takes a tremendous amount of effort, hard work, mental energy and, most importantly, disregard for the BS (or, is it disregard of self) to maintain an affair and keep it compartmentalized.

I believe some of us have adapted to FOO issues and other traumas by becoming keen compartmentalizers.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 10:13 PM, Saturday, March 18th]

posts: 1104   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8782920

straightup ( member #78778) posted at 1:55 AM on Sunday, March 19th, 2023

In high school my family was falling apart after my Dad’s affair and my Mum was developing a life long drinking problem.

I kept it together and hung out with friends and my grandmothers a lot.

I felt a bit like the boring daughter in the British sitcom ‘Absolutely Fabulous’.

My tolerance for drama was not high

I felt a bit rudderless and prone to dissociation but struggled against it.

At Uni a lot of my friends were into drugs, but me, not so much. I kind of inhabited two worlds, keeping a close bond with those friends who were transitioning from pot to heroin (one of those friends is now dead), whilst I kept my studies up, had a part time job, even helped organize a large choir group.

I wasn’t sexually active at Uni but did have a very nice girlfriend for a while. We kissed and dated but it was all rather chaste. She was off the charts smart as well as cute. We ended things when I was starting my first professional job in my early 20’s. She was about to start her PhD. The relationship had lost traction but we remained fond of each other.

I met my wife 6 months later and we were long distance for a year (except when she dumped me for a few months).

Something about the way I carry myself screams ‘decent’ which did me no favors in the romance department as a young man. More boyfriend than fling material.

Like, I would bum a cigarette from a colleague and smoke it with a beer at after work drinks, and would find someone else from work looking and they would say ‘I never would have imagined it, you smoke?’. Well not often.

My temptations have usually been of the ‘white knight’ variety when helping out a female colleague. I have been strongly propositioned in those circumstances a few times. But, aside from loyalty to my spouse, there would always be strong reasons to check it.

One I was very attracted to, about 6 years ago, and she was single but - 20 years younger, I thought she would be much better off with a partner her own age….. I ruled some strong lines. Now she is engaged to a lovely guy her own age and says I am the most decent guy she has ever met. We chat very occasionally and superficially.

So I can say I have been faithful to my partner since we started dating in 1997, even if I skirted the outer edge of a few emotional affairs (too close but no sexual talk or contact, no kissing etc).

Reading Shirley Glass has been helpful re the White Knight thing, even if my instincts were not too bad to start with.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
Mother Teresa

posts: 215   ·   registered: May. 11th, 2021   ·   location: Australia
id 8782948

CaptainRogers ( member #57127) posted at 2:31 AM on Sunday, March 19th, 2023

There have been many opportunities over the years, both while Mrs. Cap & I were dating and after marriage. "No" was the easiest answer I ever gave. I made a vow and I intended to keep it. Integrity matters to me.

BS: 42 on D-day
WW: 43 on D-day
Together since '89; still working on what tomorrow will bring.
D-Day v1.0: Jan '17; EA
D-day v2.0: Mar '18; no, it was physical

posts: 3331   ·   registered: Jan. 27th, 2017   ·   location: The Rockies
id 8782952

Grieving ( member #79540) posted at 4:07 AM on Sunday, March 19th, 2023

Prior to my husband’s affair I would have said no, I had never been pursued like that.

Looking back, I realize that’s not the case at all. There were many instances where men were putting out feelers. I just had good boundaries, so i shrugged it off without giving it any thought. Hell. I went to an elite grad school in a single-male-dominated field while being long distance from my husband for 9 months where we saw each other only on weekends. Granted, I was also taking care of our two young kids at the time, so it wasn’t like I was out partying, but there were plenty of opportunities if I had wanted them. I just didn’t pay any attention to them because it literally never ever occurred to me to cheat. There was also a period where I went to conferences pretty often, out of town or out of the country. I’m sure tons of people were hooking up, but what was I doing? Missing my husband, calling home to my kids, and heading to my hotel room early with a book.

I certainly don’t regret not cheating on my husband, but I am kind of boggled now that I went twenty years not only being faithful, but being so much so that I never gave a thought to any opportunities. I mean sure, I have a libido and emotions and I’ve found men attractive over the years, I just never gave myself the option to cheat.

Husband of 20 years had six month affair with co-worker. Found out 7/2020. Two teenaged kids. Reconciling.

posts: 395   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2021
id 8782968

Luna10 ( member #60888) posted at 11:06 AM on Sunday, March 19th, 2023

I was pursued during my WH’s affair, just as he was starting his. The guy was a work colleague and there was clear chemistry between us. He was a very caring guy, nice guy about the same age as me and I felt flattered. He would check up on me daily, listen to what I was saying (mundane stuff) and compliment me a lot.

I remember the fleeting thought going through my head and then feeling really embarrassed and actually thinking "I cannot believe I even thought of this when I have a loving hard working husband and great father to our kids at home!".

I quickly realised it is a dangerous territory and started bringing my family into conversation a lot including bringing a framed picture of us and displaying it on my desk for my coworker to see.

My husband was aware of all this as I was telling him all our interactions and he was witnessing a lesson in how not to cheat and put distance between you and a potential AP whilst he was pursuing his affair and proceeded to cheat.

Once dday happened I remembered telling him repeatedly "you must have thought I was such an idiot rejecting attention whilst you yourself were engaged somewhere else."

[This message edited by Luna10 at 5:37 PM, Sunday, March 19th]

Dday - 27th September 2017

posts: 1703   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2017   ·   location: Europe
id 8782986

sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 5:33 PM on Sunday, March 19th, 2023

Was he a pimp?

Nope. The culture allowed men to cheat, and it was an R &R destination.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 28411   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8783031
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