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I had been with my SO for 7 years, we had 4 kids, we have two small children together (5&4) He had an older daughter prior (10) and I had a son (9). It didn’t take me long to fall head over heels with my SO. When we first met I was instantly in love knew right away he was going to be "The one". We spent every minute together happy and indivisible. He always use to make sure I never wanted for anything. I quit my job while pregnant with our eldest daughter to become a stay at home mom at his wish. I only ever wanted to make him happy and at the time we agreed that was what was best for our family. I always had issues with his mother she was so obsessive over his oldest daughter ( she saw herself as her mother due to her real mother not being in the picture) she would sabotage any and everything I did to be close to his daughter to keep her role as "mom" instead of grandmother. Any time I spoke to his daughter about ANYTHING I was made to be the bad guy. Between his mother and him his daughter was never made to be accountable for her actions or behavior and when she would get in trouble I would get the punishment for even speaking on it. This went on for our entire relationship. We moved 2 hours away to start a better life for our kids and away from the problems. Things got better! Before they got worse. The problems with his mom and daughter always started back every time she come to visit. She would always snob and treat my other kids like they were less than their older sister. His daughter would be down right CRULE to her siblings, beat them, pick on them, injure them for a laugh. Jealous anytime any other sibling got the attention she thought she deserved. I finally come to a head with his mother and put my foot down and told her she could not come back to my house I was done! My SO stood by my side about it at first. A few months went by and his daughters attitude did a 180 without her there! Like a totally different child. Made good grades nicer to her siblings no issues at home at all! And I finally had a good relationship with my step daughter. My SO would work out of town 4/5 days a week and I began to notice a change. He was never really a hands on dad. I was a stay at home mom so the house, kids, dogs, cooking, cleaning, everything I handled. He paid the bills. He would come home and go straight to his PlayStation and stay on it till late night early morning hours. He wouldn’t eat dinner with us as a family I would bring him his plate at his game. Usually I didn’t mind because he worked a lot and it was his peace. But when I had to bed him to spend time with me or the kids I felt as if I was forcing him to do what he didn’t want to do and it hurt all of us. Come to find out at thanksgiving he had been cheating on me with a woman I have known for 15 years. Not just any woman, a woman WELL known in my hometown for being with EVERYONE!! A known junky! Just nasty woman with no self respect! She has two daughters of her own. He had abandoned us his family at thanksgiving to be with her and her kids. When I found out I ended it with him and told him I was done. He begged me to stay and told me he ended it with her sent me the screenshots where he did. The next few weeks he had appeared to make a big turn around spending more time with me and the kids being the man I originally fell in love with. Then it stopped. I could feel in my gut he was still entertaining her, he told me I was crazy and just imagining it swearing to me I was the only woman for him he loved only me and wanted to be with me forever. Christmas Day comes we argued the night before I spent all Christmas morning crying to him explaining my feelings and he left. Told me he had to go to work (45 minutes away) to drop off some tools, 6 hours went by before he returned. Our kids cried for him all day wondering when he was coming back. I knew exactly where he went. When he came home I told him I never wanted to see him again. Got a uhaul and started backing he stopped me. Crying hysterically begging me not to go. I didn’t. I know I should have but I was so in love I thought we could fix it. We always fixed everything. Fast forward to New Year’s Eve. The days between Christmas and New Years he was "working" but being very distant again and when you know you know. I ended it again! Text him it was over he needed to get his things and never come back. 4 am in the morning he came home banging on the window begging again, i let him in. At noon the next day he left for work again and told me he would be back that night to spend New Year’s Eve with me because I was where he wanted to be forever. A few hours later he text me that he wasn’t coming back. I got so furious with him and myself. I packed all his things for him and took them to his renatl property he was "working at" and left them in the yard. After Christmas we had sent all 4 kids to the grandparents houses for me to get a break. 2 to my parents 2 to his. Turns out New Year’s Eve he had taken his side piece and her kids to his moms house around his oldest daughter I raised for 7 years who calls me MOM the only one she has ever known and our youngest daughter. I had to hear about it from my 4 year old daughters mouth how her daddy was kissing her and telling my kids he was going to marry her all while we were still together. I have never felt more betrayed in my life! When he learned I kicked him out while I was picking up my daughter from his mothers house two hours away he drove back to our house with a uhaul and packed all my belongings into it. I left that night! Me and my 3 kids! He wouldn’t allow me to take anything that belonged to the kids they had to leave with only the clothes on their backs. The day after we left he moved in his side chick and her two kids. (He had only been talking to her according to them both 2 1/2 months!) his daughter has posted videos of her kids wearing my kids clothes, playing with their toys, jumping on their beds! The level of disrespect is unreal!! I never could have imagined he would have ever been this way!! I feel completely blindsided and betrayed. My kids are so heartbroken to have been kicked out the only home they have ever known abandoning their school friends pets and belongings to start over from nothing! He took the house, car, money everything! And because we were never married it was all in his name I was screwed. He was paying for my phone and my sons phone. In the 2 weeks after we left he had cut or phones off and back on 4 times! When I ignored him he cut them off, if I responded to him with the truth he didn’t want to hear he cut it off! My son which he has raised since he was 2 (9 now) wants nothing more to do with him! Hates him! And our two daughters together don’t know much other than they can’t go back. They don’t seem to miss him much considering he was never really present to begin with. They love their dad and their too young to be told what really happened. It’s been almost a month now and he has only come to visit them once! And once a week he will text my sons phone (he only turned his back on not mine) once a week to try to get my son to let him talk to his daughters and I refuse! My son is not the parent! He has not given any support for his daughters since we left. I have gotten a job, my own car, and another phone which he can not disconnect. Trying to rebuild a life for my kids and me. All while trying to heal myself! I cry everyday wondering where we went wrong or what I did to deserve what he has done to me after 7 years together. Two rings and two kids later. When we do speak he is down right NASTY to me! Insults me every two seconds. I’m a fat big nose lazy pos monkey who never did a thing for him. I try to wrap my head around where his anger toward me comes from when he was the one cheating and still being hurtful and disrespectful toward ME! I always imagined if we ever split we would be the couple that loved each other enough to stay friends and coparent the best way possible. But we can’t stand each other anymore. It breaks my heart everyday thinking how everything turned out and watching my kids have to adjust to everything that was forced on them: I know being together for so long it’s going to take time to be able to let go, but I can’t figure out how he was able to let go so quick and seems so unaffected by everything , I pray from him every night. Not that he comes back to me but that he is Genuinely happy. I never wanted anything less for him. I wish he had thought about my happiness more. I don’t believe cheaters ever think about how they really destroy the people who love them the most. And even though he has shattered my heart into a million little pieces every piece of me still loves him. How do I let that love go? How do I get myself to move on? How do I handle coparenting with him? He doesn’t even try to talk to them.

I’m so sorry you are here. I know you must be completely devastated.

The feelings for him will disappear with time. Do not communicate with him about anything but the kids; if he doesn’t initiate communication with them or prioritize seeing them, that’s his own sad choice and makes his priorities that much clearer.

Focus on building a life for you and your kids. Finding a job, getting a stable living situation and good school situation for them.

When you have feelings for him, let them wash over you like a wave, accept them, and then refocus on your own well-being and that of your kids.

You have a lot of grief and trauma to process as a result of being betrayed and treated like this. Process it in the healthiest ways you can—exercise, do fun things with your kids, go outside, pursue friendships.

Do NOT return to this man. Chances are his infatuation with drug skank will wane, and he may try to come back. Do not allow it. He is not a safe partner for you or good father to your kids.

I’m so sorry you are here.

I'm so, so sorry you are in this position. You deserve so much better!

Be proud that--even if it doesn't feel like it--you've landed on your feet. You have a job and are supporting yourself and your kids.

For your most immediate needs and questions, I would suggest a couple of things:

...even though he has shattered my heart into a million little pieces every piece of me still loves him. How do I let that love go?

Remind yourself frequently how he has been behaving--for quite a while now. He has made choices--CHOICES--that are destructive to you and the kids. He has made these choices over and over. When you've pointed out the pain these choices were causing, he has continued to do what he wants, regardless of the pain it creates for you and the kids. This is who he is. This is what he wants and what he has chosen. What is there to continue to love about this unloving and self-centered person?

You love who he was...or, more likely, who you believed he was. He is not that person. That is a painful reality, but facing that reality will help you move through this pain to acceptance.

How do I get myself to move on?

Please reach out for some individual counseling. Also rely on friends and family for emotional and logistical support (especially with your kids).

How do I handle coparenting with him? He doesn’t even try to talk to them.

You can't make him see them. You can't make him want to see them, and you can't make him be a good parent. All you can do is continue to be the reliable parent that you have been for your kids.

What you can do is see a lawyer to find out what your rights and your financial situation is. You were together long enough, there may be a common law relationship that your state recognizes that would give you some entitlement to some assets. If not, financial child support is his responsibility anyway. Also, a lawyer (and possibly the police) might help you reacquire some of your children's possessions from the home. Do seek legal advice about this.

You and your kids deserve better--much, much better.

A man who sends his kids away with only their clothes, then ushers in "replacements" right away??? Heartless! Not worthy of your time and affection.

((((Hugs to you)))) and wishing you strength in your journey

[This message edited by BreakingBad at 2:06 PM, Saturday, January 28th]

What you can do is see a lawyer to find out what your rights and your financial situation is. You were together long enough, there may be a common law relationship that your state recognizes that would give you some entitlement to some assets. If not, financial child support is his responsibility anyway. Also, a lawyer (and possibly the police) might help you reacquire some of your children's possessions from the home. Do seek legal advice about this.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
The best advice ever.

Also, if you haven't given him your new number, don't. If you have, tell him you've been advised to only communicate via email and block his number. (I'd suggest you create a new email address to use for just this purpose).

If your son is in school, do his teachers and counselors know what's going on in his life? He'll likely need counseling because this was a very traumatic thing to happen to him.

And I hate to say this, and I truly probably shouldn't because it might be too early for you to "hear" it but as you trudge through these next few days, weeks, months, you're going to see the light at the end of the tunnel and realize you are the luckiest girl in the world to have gotten away from a person who is unsuited to be a partner or a parent while you're young. The future is now yours.

Hi Smarky and welcome to SI. Sorry that thou have to be here, but we're a great group of folks with lots of collective wisdom.

There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that are very helpful, and the Healing Library is an awesome resource. In the Healing Library are some articles on the 180, which is to help you detach.

Infidelity is the worst pain imaginable, but you will get through. If you're struggling with sleep or depression, see a doctor for some meds. You won't have to be on them forever, but they can be helpful short-term.

We recommend staying hydrated, eat and exercise. I used to hurt so much that I'd sit in my car and scream until my voice was gone.

Hang in there!

Smarky -

I am so sorry for what you’re going through. I want to applaud you for all that you’ve done since finding out about this betrayal. You may not feel like it or can see it but you’ve displayed an extraordinarily strength of character in your response.

Try not to "figure out" a cheater, it’s wasted energy. They are fucked up individuals with fucked up value systems that you’ll never be able to understand. And with your cheater, his mother sounds like a nightmare, and you know she’s mentally and emotionally abusive so that probably plays a lot into why your ex is screwed up. Look how transformative your step daughter’s behavior was once no longer influenced by his mother, now imagine being RAISED by that monster. If anything, pity him. BUT that doesn’t excuse how he’s treating you & your children, only assists in explaining it. Additionally, none of us want to be the villain in our own story, so in his mind he has to make you the "enemy" in order to be able to live with himself - that can explain some of his nastiness towards you. Not that you would, but definitely don’t stoop to his level, it’ll only feed his internal narrative that you’re the bad guy.

I also must highlight this:

What you can do is see a lawyer to find out what your rights and your financial situation is. You were together long enough, there may be a common law relationship that your state recognizes that would give you some entitlement to some assets. If not, financial child support is his responsibility anyway. Also, a lawyer (and possibly the police) might help you reacquire some of your children's possessions from the home. Do seek legal advice about this.

^^^^ This is what you need to do immediately. See a lawyer, utilize the police to retrieve your children’s belongings, and file for custody & child support ASAP. Once you file for child support he will demand to see the kids, at this point you will need to employ the 180 and communicate via a parenting app only.

Look into individual therapy for yourself and your son. You’ve been abused & traumatized by this experience. If your girls start to exhibit behavioral issues, consider play therapy for them.

Don’t be surprised if at some point he calls you crying about what a screw up he is, wanting your sympathy, fishing for ego kibble, and draining you of your energy. Ignore this. It’s more of his selfishness and likely manipulation. Stick to the parenting app and only conversing about your children. Everything else is noise, disregard everything not children related. Even if he threatens suicide, don’t respond, just notify the police, and that usually stops that manipulation tactic (or if he’s serious he can get help.)

Highly recommend the book (No soliciting) You really have done amazing so far and the lovely people on this site are here to support & guide you. Remember to eat, avoid alcohol, drink a lot of water, see a dr if you need help with sleeping, and exercise if at all possible. Don’t neglect yourself. Please keep posting.

[This message edited by WalkinOnEggshelz at 11:35 AM, Thursday, February 2nd]

How are you doing Smarky123?

This is a very common behavior in people who are narcissistic. They love bomb you, and they make you feel like you’re the most wonderful person on the planet, then they demean you and make you feel like you are stupid, fat, ugly, or unlovable. Then they discard you. That is textbook and I guarantee you some people on this forum have been there and had that happen to them.

You need to be very realistic about who you were with because he sounds like he’s going to do this again with that woman and then the next and then the next. He is not, and never will be. husband material because he is totally focused on himself. Your description of his mother explains a lot about what he is like and how he got there.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 3:04 PM, Friday, February 3rd]

I don’t want to threadjack, but I have a question. Aletheia just posted the name of a book that the OP might find helpful and it was removed as soliciting. Why are books so often (and rightfully imo) suggested and allowed to post and some are removed as soliciting? It seems very heavy handed since this is information we need.

Beachgirl73, the author of the book you referenced is a former member who asked to have her account removed when we asked her to stop making fun of our members. She also asked that we not mention her, so when her books are recommended, we remove them.

We do have a No Soliciting Guideline. If anyone has any questions with regards to this they can always reach out to a staff member.

Oh I am so sorry this has been done to you.☹️ No one deserves to be treated this way. What an incredibly selfish couple of people they are. My heart breaks for you and your children. Your children will grow up and remember what was done to their family and regret from their father will come I am sure. It did with my dad. He said how much he loved me. Impossible to love him back but forgiveness was given. It so strange that they get so angry at the one betrayed isn’t it? I keep asking my husband why were you so angry and nasty to me when you were the one doing the awful things? His answer was I had kept him from doing what he wanted to do. Plus, he didn’t want to be the bad guy. Incredibly selfish right? So, hard to stop loving someone we have put up on a pedestal isn’t it. They aren’t really the people we thought they were.

I’m so impressed that you are making it on your own, that you found a job, etc.

I actually admire the fact that you can separate your pain and anger enough to pray for someone that you have loved… That he will have happiness in his life.

But PLEASE do not consider going back to him. Don’t let your concern for his future allow yourself to be a part of it.

I rarely give advice about whether or not to go back to someone who has been unfaithful. But in my opinion, because of the short amount of time that he was seeing her, And the way you have explain the story, it seems to be like their relationship is not going to last, and he will be back knocking on your door, begging forgiveness. Please think long and hard about it. When someone shows you who he is, believe him.

And please don’t feel bad about seeing a lawyer and getting whatever is rightfully yours. You will be doing it for your kids.

Good luck to you.

I just saw a TikTok and thought it was so appropriate for you! It said history and love made me give him one more chance and stay too long. We I need to say s I DESERVE better and you do,

Hello there

Seems like you have started off good so far with taking care of what you need to: new job, a car, a phone phone for you. Now you hit him with child support! You're not married but hit him where it hurts..it's pretty much all you will get. I am sure his new side piece will get pregnant soon enough...cause..that's where the money lies. File before she has a baby.

Update: It’s been over a month now. The first two weeks were a lot of hostility and back and forth he came to visit them ONE time for about 20 minutes and spent 40 talking to me crying about us and went back home to his mistress and his new family, next two weeks I went no contact. He would message once a week about talking to the kids, the past week I tried to be civil and friendly anllowed him nightly phone calls to them a few days in an row and it did not work!! Come to find out he has had his new supply there the entire time. His daughter has bragged to her friends how much she loves her new sisters while not even talking to her actual sisters. I have had no money for a lawyer but tomorrow I meet with one to try to get full custody. He has never tried to be a dad while we were together and now he tries more than he ever has!! And I know it’s all for show. He has given away my kid’s belongings to his mistresses kids. They have been spotted by friends and neighbors in my daughters clothes and with their toys. Her daughter is now enrolled in school there. Even tho they both deny she is living there still. Every day for a month now he has threatened me with charges to use as blackmail in our custody case. If I don’t allow him to take them on weekends he will change me with anything he can. And I have still said NO!! He has lavished his new supply in gifts and matching tattoos all while doing nothing for his own kids. Wouldn’t allow them their stuff but has sent one new toy a piece in the mail. I have collected the boxes and plan to send them back. He will have no contact with my children till a judge makes me.

So sorry, Smarky. He sounds like he's continuing to be extremely selfish. Do you have personal pictures of the things he gave away so you can show proof? Ugh! What a piece of work.

He has lavished his new supply in gifts and matching tattoos all while doing nothing for his own kids.

Wow, what a class act. To completely write off his own kids in favour of this piece of trash is heartbreaking. All you can do is be the best mother you can for them, and don't bad-mouth him to them - they will work it all out for themselves in due course and his relationship with them will suffer as a result. That's entirely his problem going forward.

Based on what you have written, he's in for an oncoming truck in regards to self-discovery and regret sometime in the future.

Don't stress too much about trying to work out 'how you've done him wrong' or why he's cheated; they do it because cheating is what they do - it's as much a part of them as you having a morning coffee. They think nothing about doing it, nor the long-term consequences of their behaviour.

You are doing well. I know it's chaotic at the moment, but your care and concerns for him will fade over the coming months. At some point you'll start feeling indifference and that's when you know you are healing.

Smarky -

Thank you for the update. I’m very sorry you’re going through all of this. I hope that you kept the appointment with the lawyer. How did it go?