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Newest Member: Jesse123

Divorce/Separation :
Narcissistic abuse survivors

Topic is Sleeping.
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 JammyWheel (original poster member #80828) posted at 2:38 PM on Friday, January 13th, 2023

Is there anyone on here that has been through this?

I realise now STBX is a narcissist

He still won’t let me go


I need to talk to other survivors to get through this
Can anyone relate or know of any resources that might help

posts: 68   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2022
id 8773255
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 5:08 PM on Friday, January 13th, 2023

My XWH was diagnosed as a covert narc a long time ago. Wish I'd studied more about it back then.

YouTube videos by Dr. Ramani were eye opening for me. I also watched videos by Dr. Les Carter. Both of these are PhDs who specialize in narcissitic and other personality disorder abuse.

Life coach videos by The Enlightened Target and Queen Beeing helped, too. I don't watch these any longer, but probably should.

My XWH was more into the silent treatment, gaslighting, lying, and some of the less physically dangerous tactics. Some of the things that some members relate where their physical being is in danger really are scary.

Luckily for me, after some initial hoovering, my XWH left me alone.

Dr. Ramani's videos on trauma bonding and hoovering helped me to see the behavior. My issues with letting go were related to the trauma bond (and not co-dependency, although there are overlapping symptoms). His issues with letting go were due to his wanting to have control.

There are others who have had similar issues, and I hope they will respond.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3126   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8773310
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doublerainbow ( member #82239) posted at 10:42 PM on Saturday, January 21st, 2023

It’s a mind f-ck and hard. Aside from the resources above, check out Rebecca Zing’s videos on YouTube. She also has a private Facebook group that I’m finding very helpful.

Wishing you lots of strength. Some days I find it hard to even get out of bed. Small steps, small wins. We will survive, especially after educating ourselves on how to deal with these monsters.

Me: BS (38) Him: WS (45) D-Day (Jan 2022), going through D. 1 DD age 4. Just want to know there’s light at the end of this mess.

posts: 67   ·   registered: Oct. 26th, 2022   ·   location: West Coast
id 8774240
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WhoTheBleep ( member #49504) posted at 6:27 PM on Wednesday, January 25th, 2023

Jammy, the little shaman on YouTube saved my sanity. I listened to a couple of her podcasts every night for months until I reprogrammed my brain. I follow her on Facebook and Instagram as well. Gray rock method is your absolute best friend. Every time I show even the tiniest bit of emotion, I regret it immediately. All that does is open the door for them to jump in and draw you into a circular argument that doesn't end. I'm about 99.9% cured of that. Now I will occasionally show emotion for court purposes to prove I'm not a robot. And that emotion is usually empathy and understanding, never anger. If I need to defend against an accusation, in writing, for court purposes, I use very few words and no adjectives. It reads as though I'm explaining to a first grader. There is no anger, just facts backed up by proof.

Hang in there, and do the work. It gets easier I promise. You will have your life back and it will be better than you ever imagined. They, on the other hand, will forever be stuck inside their own heads with no escape.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 6:31 PM, Wednesday, January 25th]

I believe we have two lives: the one we learn with, and the one we live with after that. --The Natural

posts: 4501   ·   registered: Sep. 6th, 2015   ·   location: USA
id 8774659
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 5:05 AM on Saturday, February 4th, 2023

I listened to a few Little Shaman YouTube videos that were helpful. Jesse Cabrera is a little outside the norm but interesting.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3126   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8776167
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BlackRaven ( member #74607) posted at 11:28 PM on Saturday, February 4th, 2023

Dr Ramani is amazing.

My exSAWH was/is covert, so I also found boundary work through the book "The 5 Step Boubdar Solution," by Vicki Tidwell Palmer, along with her podcasts & emails, helped with the hoovering and manipulation I also think a solid understanding of the drama triangle helps recognize some of the manipulation in a covert.

posts: 381   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2020
id 8776247
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 2:28 AM on Monday, February 6th, 2023

In the ICR forum is a thread for NPD. It doesn't have much traffic, but would it we'd post. You might find the posts there helpful to read through.

[This message edited by leafields at 12:31 AM, Thursday, February 16th]

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3126   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8776329
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gobbledygook ( new member #82877) posted at 12:51 AM on Monday, February 13th, 2023

Hi, yes I'm not so much a survivor but I am going through divorce at present I have lived with a narc for what feels like hundreds of years. It is so disturbing, kills your soul type of relationship

posts: 1   ·   registered: Feb. 13th, 2023   ·   location: staffordshire
id 8777459
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taken4granted ( member #61971) posted at 3:32 PM on Monday, February 13th, 2023

Here’s my list of books:

Healing from toxic relationships

The courage to heal

Why does he do that

Trauma and recovery

When loving him is hurting you

Healing from hidden abuse

Divorcing and healing from a narcissist

Coparenting with a toxic ex

Whole again

The body keeps the score

Psychopath free

I got all these books from my library. I’ve listened to a lot of you tube videos too. It can sure be crazy making.

[This message edited by taken4granted at 3:33 PM, Monday, February 13th]

"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything." - Mark Twain
Me: Living life! Him: Not my problem anymore
Married 15 yrs.
1 LTA, Many EAs from 2009 - ?
Dday 1 = 6/16/17
Last Dday = 1/4/18
Started loving myself 2018!

posts: 407   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2017   ·   location: OH
id 8777496
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JanaGreen ( member #29341) posted at 5:43 PM on Thursday, February 16th, 2023

I'm not sure my ex has full-on NPD but he definitely has narcissistic tendencies and loves to mind fuck. The best way I deal with him is to grey rock. Boring boring boring. I'm too dull to be fun to mess with. Any strong emotion is future ammunition for him and I never forget that. We get along fine now. I'm just constantly wary of him and don't trust his motives.

posts: 9505   ·   registered: Aug. 17th, 2010   ·   location: Southeast US
id 8777988
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 6:52 PM on Tuesday, February 21st, 2023

My xWS was diagnosed NPD and I was with him for almost 25 year. it was a soul sucking experience that almost killed me literally. I am so happy to be out of it now. Looking back in hindsight I wish I would have left YEARS ago.

Also want to second Dr. Ramani on YouTube she is awesome!

fBS/fWS(me):50 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:53 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(20) DS(17)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Divorcing

posts: 8694   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8778750
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 JammyWheel (original poster member #80828) posted at 1:58 PM on Monday, March 20th, 2023

Thanks
Have just come back to this and will look at the suggestions

posts: 68   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2022
id 8783144
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barcher144 ( member #54935) posted at 10:12 PM on Monday, March 20th, 2023

Is there anyone on here that has been through this?

Is the pope Catholic?

Will you get wet if you fall out of a boat?

Yes, I would guess many of us (if not the majority of us) have been through this.

Some advice: Get to a therapist. And look at your entire life because it's highly likely that someone else in your life was a narcissist long before you met your spouse. Good luck.

Me: Crap, I'm 50 years old. D-Day: August 30, 2016. Two years of false reconciliation. Divorce final: Feb 1, 2021. Re-married: December 3, 2022.

posts: 5417   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2016
id 8783240
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 JammyWheel (original poster member #80828) posted at 11:13 PM on Tuesday, March 21st, 2023

Is narcissism really that common in infidelity?

posts: 68   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2022
id 8783383
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 1:15 AM on Wednesday, March 22nd, 2023

There are usually some narcissistic traits, especially with the selfishness. True narcissistic personality disorder is fairly rare. According to a video by Dr. Ramani, people are more likely to be a psychopath or sociopath than have narcissistic personality disorder. There are a lot of overlapping symptomology.

Considering we have a consolidated group of people who have gone through infidelity, it's probably a higher percentage than normal.

I've had the total discard and XWH has a new supply, so I haven't had to deal with him for awhile. My kids are adults, so the onus of maintaining the relationship is on them which has been helpful for me.

I still catch myself doing something because that's the way he liked it, and stop myself and think, "Is this how I want this?" It is so freeing to know that I can base what I do on what I want and not have to worry about XWH throwing a tantrum.

ETA: The different types are scary to study. Some of the stories that are posted about some narcs is purely evil.

[This message edited by leafields at 1:16 AM, Wednesday, March 22nd]

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3126   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8783396
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 JammyWheel (original poster member #80828) posted at 5:58 AM on Wednesday, March 22nd, 2023

I have read a lot about narcissism but didn’t realise it was such a common experience for those that have had a spouse be unfaithful

It actually really helps to know

Thank you

posts: 68   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2022
id 8783421
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Superesse ( member #60731) posted at 5:55 AM on Friday, March 24th, 2023

In a course on abnormal psychology, we learned there are quite a lot of personality disorders that share traits or symptoms, which can be diagrammed like the 'linking circles' logo of the Olympic Games.

I tried for 21 years to get a handle on what was/is going on with my SAWH, who has always claimed to be "working on his issues." Yet every new day, in little ways, I don't see much to reassure me....still with the self-focus as his primary response to life. Never got a diagnosis, because he refused to open up with any professional. Every time we went to someone, he would invariably sit slumped in his seat, putting on this woebegone posture that successfully hid his passive-aggressiveness - and worse. Therapists we saw always brought up how "depressed" they thought he was, and would offer an Rx for him to get on anti-depressants. Yet that sad act got dropped soon as we left the office. And he doesn't appear to suffer from obvious cyclical mood disorder symptoms.

After his arrest (D-Day 2), I begged him to see a Psychiatrist, and his defense attorney recommended it. I felt sure somebody would finally look a little deeper, right? Yet the Psychiatrist brushed him off with a 15 minute visit and another prescription for an SSRI! Yet day to day, typical symptoms of "depression" were absent- except when required to get sympathy from a medical professional.

One CSAT (certified sex addiction therapist) was asking him a series of questions I recognized from the 'Hare Psychopathy Checklist,' and he was clicking right along with 'positive' responses; I left there thinking the CSAT suspected Psychopathy!

Bottom line I have come to is: a diagnostic label is pretty useless to the spouse who is struggling to cope with such an individual. Is it NPD? ASD? ASPD? Schizophrenia? Psychopathy? Among those and some other disorders, there are a slew of overlapping traits and worse, their expression can be "on a continuum" of severity.

The common theme with these disorders could be a lack of awareness of the value of the other partner....a disconnect at the deepest level of their psyche.

[This message edited by Superesse at 4:35 PM, Friday, March 24th]

posts: 1944   ·   registered: Sep. 22nd, 2017   ·   location: Washington D C area
id 8783730
Topic is Sleeping.
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