I wrote this to you a few weeks ago. How you are approaching this is not helping. How about try my recommendation instead. You can always go back to your method if mine doesn’t help. But I think it’s worth a shot if you want to try and actually save the marriage.
And if she doesn’t respond to it, then you know, you should move on… she’s not the one for you.
Here is what I wrote. I hope you will consider it.
I’m sorry you are here and in pain.
From my perspective I feel like you are focused too much on what you don’t know, and not what you do know.
It’s understandable. And also painful when you can’t trust your partner and what she says.
But I want to tell you that it’s enough just to know what she and he have told you they DID do in that car. It’s painful enough. IT’s marriage shattering enough.
So I’d like to ask you to maybe focus on that for a while, and not where the rose came from or if they went further in the car.
Her rose story is hers to live with at this point. You can assume it came from a cheating partner, or it came from a store give away. Maybe down the road you’ll find out. Maybe you won’t.
And maybe they went further in that car. Maybe they didn’t. But what they did was enough. Whether it was his fingers or member inside her, both are really bad. Jacking him off is bad enough. Intercourse would be bad too. But the possibility of her not having done that doesn’t get her off the hook one bit.
So instead, I’d ask you to focus for a bit on what you DO know to be true.
And as part of that, I’d ask you To be honest about it with her. Tell her how you feel about it in the context that you’re pausing your investigation mode to focus on what she has admitted to and how it has hurt you.
I’m sure you have told her something like this before, but if you haven’t gone to this extent, I urge you to this time.
Here’s the type of thing I would say. Customize as you see fit and if it doesn’t resonate with you, feel free to move on…
I’m going to stop focusing for a while on what I dont know. You are the only one who knows what is true or not. And you have to live with the fact that you are or are not telling the truth to the person you vowed to love honor cherish and protect. The dishonesty, cheating and shady behavior you have lived by up to now have made it impossible for you to be believed.
Between you and your therapist you can decide if you can handle holding on to what is true or not and if you feel if I deserve to know it or not.
But I want you to know, the things you have actually admitted are true, have already broken my heart. I so loved you. I had such great pride that you were my partner. But the things you have done and said have destroyed that feeling for me. You put on a great show to the world, but I know what you are capable of, and those things have slowly destroyed me from the inside.
I dont know that you care. When you get drunk, the things you say are so biting that they can never be forgotten. And the way you avoid trying to support my pain are no where near what they need to be in order to help me heal from it.
First and foremost I need to feel desire from you. I need to feel you truly do want me as your partner in life and that you crave being with me. I’m at a disadvantage being your husband. I don’t look like the shiny new thing walking down the street any more. You need to show me that you care enough that you don’t want to lose me, and more importantly, that I’m more than enough for you the rest of your life.
And that leads me to the next, you need to find a way to make me feel safe. That I can feel sure you are not gonna chase the next hard cock that walks by. That it’s mine you want and not his, or his or his. You need to figure out how to do that. You need to show me that you want to work hard to figure out a way to do that.
And lastly you need to show me you actually care about how you hurt me. How you made me feel less than every other guy out there. You consistently cheated on me before and after our wedding day. You are the person who has hurt me the most in this world. How can that be? You should be the one I turn to when I am in pain and not the one who pains me the most. I need to know that that fact hurts you more than it does me.
Either you show me that is the case or we should probably find a way to amicably end what I guess has been a charade of a relationship.
So I’m realizing what I do know is more damaging than what I don’t. The sad truth is if you would truly be honest with me about everything and then take to heart what I have asked for above, we might actually have a chance to build something new and maybe real and better. But honestly I dont believe you have it in you.
You have never valued me above those who treat you like shit and a piece of meat. That’s how you have made me feel…. Less than. I’m hoping you care enough to make that change. I won’t wait around very long to see if you can change my mind on that.
But I’m gonna stop banging my head against the wall on the questions of if his Dick was ever inside you or if he or another cheating partner gave you that rose. You can hold those secrets for yourself. I hope they keep you warm at night knowing that I don’t have the answers. But I’m relinquishing that pain to you. I dont deserve having to feel it any more. And it’s coming quite clear you don’t deserve me in the same way.
If you have something to say back, probably best you write it down. Our conversations are become way too difficult to be meaningful. I wish you well in deciding what you want for your life going forward. I’ll be here doing the same. "
I dont know if that helps any my friend. If it were me, I’d probably write it to her. Talking seems to be getting you no where.
I truly hope you can take a break from obsessing over the unanswered questions. As I said, what you do know is damning enough. Focus on yourself for a while. Say your piece, speak your truth, and then begin to move on until she show’s indication that she’s in it with you instead of against you.
I wish you well…