I have just now read this entire thread. I am so sorry you are in this situation.
No matter what I read from you, and all the others who are responding to your posts, one thing continues to be in my mind:
…that you already know what your wife and that man did with each other.
- met each other in a parking lot. They planned this.
– kissed… Made out
– she had her hands on him and masturbated him to an orgasm
– he had his fingers inside of her and masturbated her to orgasm
If I remember all of this correctly, my question is this…what more do you need to know?
I’m not asking if you would like to know the details… I think that 99.9% of us want the details. I know that I do.
If you found out she was telling the truth, and that "all they did" was to masterbate each other to climax… would that be OK with you? Of course it would not be OK with you, but what I mean is, would that be "less bad" than if his penis was actually inside her? Could you "forgive" or "get over" it easier if there was no PIV intercourse?
For me, I have never believed that it was so much WHAT my husband did, but THAT he did it. That he made a conscious choice to put himself in the situation, and then he went through with something intimate/sexual with someone other than me.
I too have a strong Christian upbringing/background. My standards continue with me to this day. But for me, it wasn’t exactly what my husband did that ripped my heart out of my body. Is that he would plan and do anything of a sexual nature with someone… Even just that he wanted to.
I might be wrong about this. But when I’ve read your posts, when you say that you are so certain that more happened than what you know, it sounds to me like if you find out that nothing more happened, you could get past it. That somehow you could overcome mutual masturbation to climax, but actual intercourse would be unacceptable. If that is the case, maybe y’all can get through this.
I’m sure you know by now that it is possible that you will never know the complete truth from this woman. I will never know the complete truth from my husband. Or at least I will never be certain that I have the full truth. Even if he is telling me the full story. The fact that he has never put forth the effort that it takes to convince me of his trustworthiness or of the strength of our relationship and his love for me that would prevent him from wanting to act the way that he did.
For me, that’s what prevents me from having a true marriage relationship. We are still together, and at this point I am his caregiver. But we do not have what I consider to be a true marriage. And still to this day, 17 years later, I do not trust him. I know he will never cheat again because he is physically unable. But it is no consolation to me. For me to consider that I have a true closeness and a true marriage with him, I would have to know deep in my heart that he loved only ME and that he did not WANT to behave in that way ever again. Much less actually do it.
I guess my question to you is this…
If somehow your wife could convince you that she is being perfectly honest with you, would you take the chance that it could work?
Have you ever thought about your dealbreakers? And how you will be able to know when you have reached that point?
Respectfully, it seems to me that it is possible that you are using your uncertainty about what MORE she may have done other than what you know, to keep yourself in the relationship. Your uncertainty about what you believe to be true.
We all know how horrifying it is to face this type of situation. And how we wish that it wasn’t true. And how we hope, and sometimes fool ourselves into believing what we can accept.
Prayers that you are able to figure this out. Prayers that your wife can come to know the impact of her actions, and the work that needs to be done to win back/deserve you and the marriage. And prayers that you will be able to fully engage in the marriage rather than "always wondering".
And if you marriage should be over at some point, I hope you know that there is always the potential to meet someone else and have a true trusting/real relationship "for as long as you both shall live".