Newest Member: Crushedafter46years


Is it time to update the "Tactical Primer" and "Newbies...Important Information-Please Read" posts?


[Please let me know if a post liek this isn't allowed. I considered sending this as a direct message to the admins, but I thought it would be healthy and useful to open up a wider conversation.]

So every time I visit the Just Found Out forum, I see the "Tactical Primer" and "Newbies...Important Information - Please Read" posts pinned to the top. I think that was a smart move, to get the recently betrayed headed in the right direction as they navigate the shock of infidelity. The two original posts were written in 2008 and 2006 respectively but are still well worth reading. In particular, I appreciate the "Newbies" post, with its bite-sized numbered bullets. However, everything can be refined and improved. So my question to the community is: Do you think it makes sense to publish a revised/updated version of the "Tactical Primer" and "Newbies..." posts? And if so, what changes might you suggest?

I will start with a couple:
1. Save all your evidence in multiple locations (both physical and on cloud storage) that your WP does not have access to. Examples include putting the evidence on a USB drive and putting it in a safe deposit box or giving it to a trusted person; or opening a completely new email/cloud storage account with a completely new password. This is actually the impetus of my post. There have been a couple of recent JFO posts where the poster's WP deleted the only evidence BP had. If we are developing some standard operating procedures for those who've just found out, I think this is a very useful addition.

2. Add a bit to the "take care of yourself" pointer. In the "Newbies" post, point #11 says "Make sure to take care of yourself. It's very hard to eat and sleep when the pain is so deep, but you must remember that your health is very important." This is great, important advice. Maybe add "drink plenty of water and try to exercise" to it?

Now, I suppose a person could just reply to add their suggestions, but 1)The "tactical primer" is 47 pages long, mostly of posts thanking the OP, SerJR. I doubt many readers are culling through all 47 pages for additional pointers. And the Newbies post is locked. So maybe it could use updating. The "Newbies" post seems like it might be the most appropriate candidate since it was written by the SI Staff, so it wouldn't be like they are infringing on what SerJR wrote.

Anyway, that's just my thought. Ultimately, it is the decision of SI Staff, which I respect. But starting a discussion might give them some input about what experienced readers would find useful to change/add. And if nothing else, let's remind newbies on our own not to leave their phones as their only storage spot for evidence.

0 comment posted: Monday, November 7th, 2022

Another version of "Don't be somebody's else's backup plan."

Hi. So maybe this has been said elsewhere or seems obvious to people, but it's a thought that occurred to me recently.

There is a common piece of advice to betrayed that says not to accept being someone else's second choice/plan b/backup plan. Usually, that's in the context of when the wayward feels torn between choosing the BS or the AP. Or even worse, when the WS explicitly chooses the AP, it doesn't work out, and they come back claiming that BS was "the one" all along. I've been thinking about why trickle truthing is so painful, and I think the "second choice" dynamic is part of it. You see, when the WS chooses to omit, minimize, and disclose only what is already known/provable, they are demonstrating that honoring the BS and doing right by the relationship is not their first option. Obfuscation is the first option. Trying to finesse their partner is the first option. Avoiding responsibility is the first option. Trying to get away with whatever you can is the first option. Owning up and disclosing fully because they are thinking foremost of BS and it is what the BS deserves is not the first option.

It sucks to know that truth is the backup plan, to be implemented only if the first option doesn't work.

I recognize that we are complicated creatures. To a certain extent, I understand the instinct for self-preservation that leads to initial minimizing and trickle truthing early in the discovery/disclosure period (ask any cop about how often obviously drunk drivers will claim they've "only had about two drinks"). But further down the line, especially if the BS has made themselves vulnerable by attempting reconciliation--it is painful and enraging to again "come in second" to WP's wants. And the BS has to decide if that's something they're willing to accept.

3 comments posted: Sunday, August 28th, 2022

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