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Newest Member: Crushedafter46years

Divorce/Separation :
Entering New Phase in Relationship (Trigger Warning)

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 BigMammaJamma (original poster member #65954) posted at 5:07 AM on Tuesday, November 8th, 2022

I have entered into a new phase of my relationship. Something in me snapped like a band and I am done. I am beyond my limit. I have run out of chances to offer.

Its not even the cheating that did us in (its crazy how they always say that). I mean, it definitely changed the dynamic. I would have never been truly happy--just sucking it up--but it was 100% doable. It was the drinking. He was extremely unpleasant when he was drunk (which was frequent) and sometimes he would just rage. In those times, he would tell me to get out of the house, scream at me while I fumble to pack my bags, trying to remember everything I will need. He would follow me around, veins popping out of his head, spitting while yelling at me to get my shit faster. These things didn't happen all the time, but immediately after he would change and be different for a while.

One time, he told me he was taking me to a nice place for dinner just because. I think he picked up on some comment I made about never going out on a date and this was him trying. When I was getting ready for the date, I asked him what I should wear and he said "whatever" so I naturally put on a Target peasant dress and some cowboy boots. When we arrived, it was evident that I was massively underdressed, there were so many people in formal wear. I was so out of my element looking like ellie may. I was too self conscious to really enjoy myself. He paid our outrageous check and made a big to-do about the how much he was tipping. We walked to the valet, which was located in front of the high falutin eating establishment we just came out of. He started putting his hand up the back of my dress in front of the restaurant. That level of PDA is NOT my jam, but for whatever reason, I just batted him away. I wasn't mean, I tried to be playful. Our car came and we started driving the streets of Fort Worth with the windows down. We start going over the bridge from 30 on the 35w southbound and he reaches over and puts his hands on my legs. I held my legs together tight. I don't know why I was so scared, this was my husband. I think he thought I was trying to be playful or hard to get and he pried my legs open and roughly shoved his dirty, hands in me. His fingernails were uncut. It hurt, it was awful and was NOT sexy. And yet, I still tried to be playful, but get him to stop. We were going like 85 when we got on 35. His face changed, "What do you not like it?" I just joked, "I don't want this to be how we die. That would be so awful for the kids." He was so pissed, he drove faster and faster, weaving through cars on 121 as we traveled east. I told him I was sorry, I just didn't like doing that in the car and we both agreed to try to salvage the night. He was so mean the rest of the night. He ended up blowing up on me when we got home and got so mad he ripped the shower door off the fucking hinges.

I think that was when our relationship really started circling the drain. This past labor day weekend, he went to play golf and do a fantasy draft with some buddies from high school. He never hangs out with friends, so I was really happy for him. I told him, please do not come home intoxicated. Well he cam home intoxicated. Raged. In front of the children. When I talked to him the next day, I told him that alcohol was a deal breaker. Then I found out he was drinking during the weekday and just getting drunk before he came home and tried to play straight. That is when the snap happened. When I realized the only way of getting off the merry go round was to step off the fucking merry go round.

He is changed now, obviously. He has been sober for three weeks! But he has been sober for years between rages. He was going to a therapist! I am happy for him, that is a good use of time. But he loves me! His love is literally the worst.

This fool went on reddit to the surviving infidelity sub and asked the community of betrayeds how to protect himself now that he found out (by going through my phone) that I have consulted with lawyers. He was dragged so fucking hard and it was so unbelievably validating. He minimized the shit outta what he did to me and the commenters saw right through him. It was so many people telling him the harsh truth that I wasn't able to communicate.

I have been so scared of taking this step. I have anxiety that feels like an elephant sitting on my chest. But this relationship is not serving me or my children and it hasn't for a long time. He has turned up the manipulation to the highest levels but it is so obvious now.

He think I can't refinance the house in just my name. He may be right. However, I have a realtor coming to tell me how much this house is worth and then I am talking to a loan officer to see what we can do. Please send me your positive energy. All I ever wanted was a simple life in my little house with my kids. I really hope we can make it happen.

Me- born in 1984
Him- born in 1979
We both have 3 kids from previous marriages and we share a four year old. I might be a BS, but at this point, I don't know if I'll ever know.

Update: As of 5/8/2020, my WH confirmed I belong in this club

posts: 254   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2018   ·   location: Deep in the Heart of Texas
id 8764171
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BreakingBad ( member #75779) posted at 6:29 AM on Tuesday, November 8th, 2022

Let me be the first to say congratulations on choosing you and the kids over perpetual disfunction and rage and fear.

You already know it will be a difficult journey at times, but the peace will be worth it.

I send strength and encouragement your way!

"Don't you love it, don't you love it?No, I ain't happy yet.But I'm way less sad."[Credit to group AJR]

Me=BW; fWH=online affairs with 3 APs over 2.5-3 yrsBoth in IC & MCMarried 31 yrs now2 kids-both in HSAttempting R

posts: 291   ·   registered: Oct. 31st, 2020
id 8764172
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 7:08 AM on Tuesday, November 8th, 2022

When you know, you know. And you are done.

Take care of yourself and your kids. And look forward to the other side.

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 5103   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8764173
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fareast ( Guide #61555) posted at 2:53 PM on Tuesday, November 8th, 2022

Sending you strength and support. You have reached your limit and getting out of a toxic cycle with your WH. I grew up in a family with a father who was not only a WH but an alcoholic bully who would rage at my mother and us kids in an unbelievably cruel manner. Similar to your description. Although we begged my mother to leave, she refused. It was the 1960’s and getting a divorce was difficult. A divorced woman was considered a disgrace. My experience, your WH will never change. The abusive raging will never stop. Good for you in deciding to leave. Good luck.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3354   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8764193
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 7:59 PM on Tuesday, November 8th, 2022

I was sure that was just a troll post, I'm sorry for you that it wasn't.

Doesn't sound to me like your ego could take the hit points. I've only known you for a couple hundred words, and I'm ready to leave.

That is someone else's words but pretty much sums up my thoughts on his post. Keep walking on your path. You deserve so much better.

[This message edited by grubs at 7:59 PM, Tuesday, November 8th]

posts: 1367   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8764223
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 BigMammaJamma (original poster member #65954) posted at 10:18 PM on Tuesday, November 8th, 2022

Thank you Grubs. I was hoping someone from here saw it. I wanted to set the record straight, but I refrained from posting because everyone seemed to see through his bullshit. He knows I sub there, so I really think it was another way to try to manipulate me. He made me sound like a stay at home mom. I work from home and keep our four year old kid. I am not well-off by any means, but I make about 77k AND I save us a ton money because we don't have to pay for childcare. He threatened me with 50/50 custody, saying he will just put him in daycare during the weeks he has him. He just wants to punish me. Then he tells me he doesn't want to use lawyers and I betrayed him (!?) by going and seeing one behind his back. He keeps saying that I can't qualify for our house, but I have decided not to listen to him in regards to legal and financial advice.

Me- born in 1984
Him- born in 1979
We both have 3 kids from previous marriages and we share a four year old. I might be a BS, but at this point, I don't know if I'll ever know.

Update: As of 5/8/2020, my WH confirmed I belong in this club

posts: 254   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2018   ·   location: Deep in the Heart of Texas
id 8764235
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 12:12 AM on Wednesday, November 9th, 2022

He threatened me with 50/50 custody, saying he will just put him in daycare during the weeks he has him. He just wants to punish me.

Talk with your attorney about getting full custody and supervised visitation due to the drinking. It might be a long shot, but nothing ventured, nothing gained. I'd keep a VAR handy too. Mean drunks are the worst.

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 6169   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8764249
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 5:22 PM on Wednesday, November 9th, 2022

It is a guideline violation to quote other websites.

NO SOLICITING: SI.com does not allow soliciting of any kind, publicly OR via Private Message. This includes links, URLs or references (my addition: even without attribution) to other websites.

'nuff said, I think....

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27878   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8764320
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Hippo16 ( member #52440) posted at 7:08 PM on Wednesday, November 9th, 2022

BigMammaJamma

Suggestion: Call up your bank/some mortgage lenders (Credit Union?) and get a loan officer (mortgage type) and get a readout on what you can qualify for. Get all your financial info together so you are prepared to answer their questions.

I would not use a real-estate agent for the task of figuring out what you "can afford" based on your income.
for a range approximation - I think a search on your pc via Internet would find some "guesstimate" web sites.

real-estate agents are SALES people - wouldn't trust them for quantifying loan amount for a mortgage.
sure they would have some info and could provide some guidance - but they are NOT the ones who will loan you $$$

Not Just Friends

posts: 686   ·   registered: Mar. 26th, 2016   ·   location: OBX
id 8764334
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 8:12 PM on Wednesday, November 9th, 2022

Good for you. And your kids. And the peace you will soon have.

Don’t listen to him saying all the crap about 50-50 custody. When he has to pay for it, it may be a different tune.

And he might just be saying anything he can to beat you down with whatever he can get away with. All talk - just ignore him.

Don’t tell him what you can or cannot afford until you are close to the D. Buy him out fast if you can. If he knows now you can afford it he will play games.

Get an appraisal. Make an offer. Done! But only at the point where you know the D will be completed quickly.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12794   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8764340
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 BigMammaJamma (original poster member #65954) posted at 10:00 PM on Thursday, November 10th, 2022

Last night he cornered me in the kitchen and told me his job offered him a transfer to florida for major raise. They would pay for an apartment for 6 months and pay for his relocation. He went from wanting 50/50 to essentially nothing. He siad if we are done, he is really thinking hard about taking it. I think it was his one major plea for reconciliation and he was trying to get me to say "No no, don't go". He was telling me he is reading "Alcohol Lied to Me". He told me has stopped drinking and that there were so many things from his childhood that I didn't know about that he keeps to himself. He told me that he has no family except for me and if we divorce he will be all alone. He lamented that I have a support system and he doesn't. It is going to be so hard for him.

Like, all he did was talk about how hard all of this is for him. He said "I can't change what I did with Debbie" but I interrupted him and said "its not just about the cheating". He said "I've quit drinking!!" But the thing is, he has quit before. He waited until I literally have nothing left in me to make any substantive change, and even then, its suspect. I still feel like he is focused on himself because he kept going on about how this will affect him. He did say he would let me have all the equity in the house and pay child support, but my mom said don't bank on it.


I am just so over this already and I haven't event really started. I know I am doing the right thing, but I feel really fucking guily.

Me- born in 1984
Him- born in 1979
We both have 3 kids from previous marriages and we share a four year old. I might be a BS, but at this point, I don't know if I'll ever know.

Update: As of 5/8/2020, my WH confirmed I belong in this club

posts: 254   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2018   ·   location: Deep in the Heart of Texas
id 8764520
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leafields ( member #63517) posted at 11:44 PM on Thursday, November 10th, 2022

He lamented that I have a support system and he doesn't. It is going to be so hard for him.

You know that's a manipulation tactic, right? He knows it will make you feel guilty and make it all about him.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 1494   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8764541
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 10:11 AM on Saturday, November 12th, 2022

So you witnessed his pity party method to make amends.

And you know it’s not going to work.

A real adult would have taken positive steps to make amends for the affair. I remember when you joined here. It’s been many years and you are still trying to get to a better place.

He has not stepped up. Not as a father or H. He has excuses and continued poor choices.

I think you now see he really needs intensive counseling and he needs to address the alcohol issues. And it’s been years — so he’s has had plenty of time to do so.

He should take the job in FL and let you have 100% custody. And own his crap and fix it. Then come back to your family but sober and healthy so you can figure out how to co-parent together.

Don’t fall for his pity party. It’s just a manipulative tactic.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12794   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8764878
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 11:47 PM on Monday, November 14th, 2022

Sending you so many hugs BMJ. SO many.

Let me tell you - there's a lot of things I regret as far as my relationships with other people in my life, but the ONE thing I can say with certainty is that those relationships never got better until I stood up for myself and laid a hard boundary (or five) down. Not with my alcoholic mom (who will have 10 years of sobriety in a couple months), not with my narc dad, not with my cheating asswipe of an xh. It wasn't until I stood up and said 'no more' and got my ass off the merry go round that my life improved - some of those relationship survived that and some didn't. The ones that didn't? Not a loss for me. I have never ever, not for one second of one day, regretted divorcing my cheater. You won't either I promise you.

You're there in your self it sounds like. And it's scary as fuck to be in that place but it is oh so liberating too. Letting go of trying to control someone else and finally embracing that the only control you ever had was over you... magic happens in that mindset.

Your stbxwh is a tool and all this crap he's doing is just his pitiful attempt to try to maintain control over you. You getting away from that is the BEST thing for YOU and you do not have one damn thing to feel guilty about in so choosing. Things will be hard for him? Poor wittle him, so mistreated... ugh fecking BARF. Yeah, we call that the 'natural consequences for shitty choices' and it's just too damn bad if he's struggling because of that. HE made those choices, YOU did not.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"The love that you lost isn't worth what it cost and in time you'll be glad that it's gone." – Linkin Park

posts: 3629   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8765169
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 3:47 PM on Tuesday, November 15th, 2022

Do you believe that if he went to Florida on his own that he'd continue his sobriety and live like a choir boy while contemplating the error of his ways and working towards real and meaningful change? Or, do you think he'd dissolve into an alcoholic haze of self-pity and dysfunctional rationalizations? Because I'm thinking out of sight is out of mind and that he'd get to Florida, party his ass off, and that after a few months, he'd forget all about how you're his "only family".

If it was me, I think I'd encourage him to go.

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 6169   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8765251
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VezfromTaz ( member #80815) posted at 6:26 AM on Thursday, November 17th, 2022

Without knowing your consent laws, what you described in the car is a sexual assault. All this behaviour screams coercive control to me, and for whatever reason he is escalating ~ maybe he realises the game is up cos you're onto him. Everything these jokers do is about control and chaos ~ dont be surprised if he stitched you up taking you to a restaurant without describing the dress code. Plausible deniability is their best friend.

Go and see a DV lawyer and get advice ~ maybe you can oust him from premises because of DV.

Sorry you are going through this.

PS alcohol isnt why people abuse, but again, plausible deniability

[This message edited by VezfromTaz at 6:28 AM, Thursday, November 17th]

posts: 65   ·   registered: Sep. 1st, 2022
id 8765535
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OwningItNow ( member #52288) posted at 9:04 AM on Thursday, November 17th, 2022

I gotta say, I was thinking exactly this ^^^^ stuff from VezfromTaz and honestly cannot imagine a guy with these aggressive control issues "letting you" go. Or moving to Florida without you.

I hope I'm wrong, but guys like this don't let go of their possessions. And that's what you are.

He is a scary guy who can sometimes be on his best behavior (as a manipulation tactic). But he is STILL a scary guy, and I'm worried for you.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 9:12 AM, Thursday, November 17th]

me: BS/WSh: WS/BS

Reject the rejector. Do not reject yourself.

posts: 5682   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2016   ·   location: Midwest
id 8765545
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 BigMammaJamma (original poster member #65954) posted at 6:21 PM on Thursday, November 17th, 2022

I really appreciate all of your feedback.

Since the last time I posted:

1. He is no longer considering the FL job (if there ever was one). He "could never abandon our son"
2. Tuesday, he said his job has told him they are considering him for a GM position within 6 mos, which would increase his salary substantially. he told me he was so happy, nothing could bring him down.
3. Later Tuesday, he called me and told me his alcoholic mother had hit rock bottom. She has lost her job and her house is in disarray. WH is considering seeking some sort of power of attorney over her and taking over her financials.
4. He has supposedly been sober for 2+ weeks (I don't know for sure and I honestly don't give af)
5. He is seeing a therapist
6. He is going to the gym and seemingly replacing every meal with a protein shake
7. Is listening to self-help books and always wanting to talk to me about it
8. He does this thing where he texts me and asks me to do stupid favors but it seems like it is pretense. For instance, he texted me last week to pick a bell pepper from the garden because he wanted to eat it with his dinner. Like, why couldn't he just pick the bell pepper when he got home? The bell pepper is withering on my counter as I type; he didn't even use it. Another time, he texted me and asked me what flavor or protein shake he had, he couldn't remember. Again, why can't he just look at the bag when he gets home? Its like just an excuse to reach out and engage.

So much drama. I am so fucking sick of it. My other two kids from my previous relationship were at their dad's last weekend, so I took our 4 year old to my sister's who lives about 2 hours away. She has a son his age and we work hard at facilitating a relationship with the two boys. It was great, I didn't have any tightness in my chest until it was time to go home. WH had texted me, asking me when I was going to be home from my sister's as he wanted to spend time with our son. I told him I would be back around lunch time on Sunday. When I got back, I asked him if he was going to spend time with our kid and he said he couldn't because he had "an appointment" in an hour and a half. I asked him for what, and he was super cagey and said he "just had things to do". It pissed me off because I made my schedule around the fact he wanted to spend time with our kid. For whatever reason, this triggered me and while I tried to excuse myself to deal with it, he followed me into our bathroom.

Even though I have already told him that our relationship was over, he asked again and asked me what I wanted. I told him that I do want a divorce, I just want to make sure I am in a good financial place when I file. He said he would stay until our cc debt is paid off (If my calculations are correct, I will have a zero balance in February 2023). He has been very polite and considerate, which is good but it is also confusing. I feel like he is continuing to try to manipulate by telling me that he is going to be making 40k more and then telling me he needs support with his mom. I really don't care about any of that, but I feel weirdly guilty about still wanting to get divorced even though he is seemingly making all these changes. But then he still says things that make it seem like he doesn't "get it".

For instance, our son (an EXTREMELY active and smart) four year old stays with me at home while I WFH. I am a project manager, so I am literally pulling double duty providing childcare + working and one of my grievances with my WH is that when he would get home from work he would still continue to work and not provide any support. He would go outside and chain smoke and answer emails and make calls. I would be responsible for the entire night time routine. Yesterday, he approached me and said "Listen, if you ever need me to handle Max while you wrap up work things let me know. I don't mind helping. I know that you feel bad because you resent him because you have had to deal with him all day and you are tired." Ok, so its cool that he wants to help me, but I DONT RESENT THE FOUR YEAR OLD, I RESENT YOU BUDDY!" Like, its like he kinda gets it, but at the same time he misses the mark. Like what kind of person would resent a four year old for being a four year old? I guess its projection? it just struck me as a weird thing to say.

I am in such a weird place right now and it is going to take time to get out of it and I need to keep focused and not let myself get manipulated.

Me- born in 1984
Him- born in 1979
We both have 3 kids from previous marriages and we share a four year old. I might be a BS, but at this point, I don't know if I'll ever know.

Update: As of 5/8/2020, my WH confirmed I belong in this club

posts: 254   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2018   ·   location: Deep in the Heart of Texas
id 8765600
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 7:54 PM on Thursday, November 17th, 2022

I feel weirdly guilty about still wanting to get divorced even though he is seemingly making all these changes. But then he still says things that make it seem like he doesn't "get it".

Forget what he's saying - how is he acting? So he 'doesn't mind helping out' with HIS child (how noble of him amiright? rolleyes ). But does he actually come in when he gets home and take over? No he doesn't. His actions are not backing up words.

It's really hard to look at the actions and not the words - I struggled mightily with that too. What helped me was to think of how I'd feel if a stranger had that mismatch. If a stranger says they care and are compassionate etc but their actions prove they are anything but.... I wouldn't trust them an inch. It's way harder to do that when it's a spouse or family member doing it because you have so much history there muddying up the water, but I found for me that I never could 'let go' of things because what he was saying was never lining up with how he was acting.

IMHO all of what your stbxwh is doing BMJ is barfing words out to see if anything sticks.

His head:
Oooh I'll tell her I'm taking a job out of state to see if she begs me to stick around... oh that didn't work. I know! I will tell her I'm getting an enormous raise - maybe she'll beg me to stick around if she thinks I'll be getting paid more.

I'll make up some mamadrama to see if maybe she'll feel so bad for me that she'll stick around.

She said I should get therapy - so I'll say I am.

Drinking is a problem? Ok, so I'm 'sober' now.

It's all just words words words at this point. And just saying but IME when people really make changes they just DO it - they don't bang on to people about HOW they are, they just DO. I am always immediately skeptical of anyone who preaches about their changes and magnificence.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"The love that you lost isn't worth what it cost and in time you'll be glad that it's gone." – Linkin Park

posts: 3629   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8765609
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fareast ( Guide #61555) posted at 2:15 AM on Friday, November 18th, 2022

His comment about you resenting your 4 yea old is so revealing. It is so freaking passive aggressive. Look, I assume you have made him aware you would appreciate him taking some of the load when he gets home and let you tend to finish up your work. A normal person would think: “yeah, we’re both working all day and she has a responsible job, plus she is doubling up with the boy, she makes a good point, I should do more when I get home.” Instead in his disordered mind he thinks: “She only needs help because she resents having to take care of the kid all day and do her job.” It can’t be that he wants to help as part of a partnership you are both working toward. It becomes an imposition on his time because you resent having the child all day. The attitude is awful.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3354   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8765643
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