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Newest Member: Crushedafter46years

Divorce/Separation :
Entering New Phase in Relationship (Trigger Warning)

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Solarchick ( member #80222) posted at 5:39 AM on Friday, November 18th, 2022

I will be sober 18 years in 3 weeks (God willing). If your STBXWH is serious about getting sober, he will be going to AA, start working the steps, and get a sponsor. Not drinking is not getting sober, it's merely white-knuckling it until he feels safe enough to start drinking again. He's still in denial that he is an alcoholic.

This may seem counter-intuitive, but the best thing you can do for him, alcoholism recovery-wise, is to let him hit rock bottom. And let that bottom be deep and hard. Just like infidelity, there have to be real and painful consequences to his actions before he'll change.

It's hard as hell to get sober, and it takes a LOT of motivation to put yourself through the hard work it takes to get good sobriety. And then you have to diligently maintain that sobriety.

So yeah, don't feel guilty about leaving him without a support system. He needs to experience that loss. You said it yourself that it was the drinking and his behavior while under the influence that was the straw that finally broke the camel's back.

I'm not saying you should be callous or uncaring. I'm saying don't be co-dependent or try to diminimish or lessen the consequences of his drinking. Just like the affair, you didn't cause his alcoholism, you can't fix it, and it's definitely not your job to fix it. It is 110% on him to get his shit together.

An Al-Anon meeting might be good for you.

Keep on your path and take care of yourself and your kids (especially your 4 YO) first. Your STBXWH should be a distant third. (Actually, he shouldn't even be in your top 10.)

The good news is (even though it's pretty sad good news), less than 5% of marriages survive one or both spouses getting sober, so at least you're not trying to swim upstream on that one.

You're doing really well is a super crappy situation. Keep up the good work!

Me: BW, 56, two awesome grown sons. Remarried in 2010. That lasted 11 years.WXH: Not even a blip on my radar anymore. I'm glad he's messing up the OW's life now and leaving me alone. D (with cause) in 2004.

posts: 113   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2022   ·   location: Hilton Head, SC
id 8765655
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OwningItNow ( member #52288) posted at 6:32 AM on Friday, November 18th, 2022

I have a lot of experience with highly manipulative people starting with my mother, and so many things your WH is saying and doing are triggering me. He seems to be throwing anything and everything he can at you to try to keep you in the M. You even recognize this and wonder if the Florida job was ever real? Just wow. I remember my ex years ago pretending to go to therapy every week. He would tell me all about his visits, but I had already found evidence that the therapist didn't exist. I just let him continue with the lie, almost like a case study so I could learn. It was just so crazy the way he would spin these elaborate tales! Do you think the $40 K salary bump will materialize? Does your WH have a history of lying or exaggerating?

The most bothersome to me was when he said

WH had texted me, asking me when I was going to be home from my sister's as he wanted to spend time with our son.

Because honestly, people who love their kids and spouse almost always want them to enjoy what they are doing, so they don't try to control it and shut it down by saying they "want you to come home now," you know, out of a strong paternal need to give love. What a load of crap! He just wanted to control you!

When I got back, I asked him if he was going to spend time with our kid and he said he couldn't

Of course! Because it was always a lie to get you home! It was always about shutting your life down.

He has been very polite and considerate, which is good but it is also confusing. I feel like he is continuing to try to manipulate by telling me that he is going to be making 40k more and then telling me he needs support with his mom.

Because he is using this drama to manipulate you!

I feel weirdly guilty about still wanting to get divorced even though he is seemingly making all these changes. But then he still says things that make it seem like he doesn't "get it".

Noooo!!!! That guilt is misplaced. Where is it coming from? Are you in IC? You have nothing to feel guilty about and need to get a handle on this misplaced emotion because he sees your weakness and is using it against you.

He is 100% manipulating you. If you ever see that $40K I'll die of shock. And you told him you want to get on good financial footing, so he'll never let that happen. He'll overspend to keep you there. Or find some other reason to incur more debt.

This man is a controlling abuser, not a person genuinely working on himself. He is lying and manipulating constantly. Be vigilant. He is dangerous.

me: BS/WSh: WS/BS

Reject the rejector. Do not reject yourself.

posts: 5682   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2016   ·   location: Midwest
id 8765657
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