I am so frozen and stuck right now and I have NO idea what to do next.
Back in November, I decided enough was enough. I was ready. My husband had another drinking episode and I had realized that this was going to be my life forever. I had started implementing the 180 and exploring my legal options. My WH started going to the gym, eating healthfully, drinking water, being patient with me, and ostensibly stopped drinking. Things started being okay. I was most assuredly not in love any more but I didn't feel compelled to take immediate action. My eldest will be a senior in high school next year, so I told myself that we will stay here, let her finish high school and I will eliminate my debt and build a nest egg so I can be ready to transition out of this marriage when my eldest graduates. I told WH that the one condition for us staying in that house was that he stay sober. It is/was a hard boundary.
A couple of weeks ago, my WH started complaining of some weird/scary symptoms. Dark blood in his stool, weird bruising on his arms, explosive diarrhea, belly slightly distended, among other things. He scheduled an appointment with our GP and they ordered a CT. WH said that the CT showed his colon swollen to 3x the normal size and "cysts" on his liver. The doctor order a handful of antibiotics and made a referral to a GI for the colonoscopy and whatever else that would need to be done. The way WH is trying to present to me like he has some sort of colon-GI issue, but I suspect he may be experiencing cirrhosis or liver failure.
A few days ago, I was looking for a cooler, and I opened up a cabinet in our garage and I found a stash of empty beer cans. True to form, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and thought that maybe these are old and were forgotten about. I took a pic with my camera phone and left them there. The next morning was trash day and I checked and they were gone. That night there were new cans there. So he is drinking again or never stopped. There were definitely times where I thought he might be drunk, but when I confronted him, he always acted so hurt that I would accuse him.
So, this man is having major symptoms that seem related to chronic alcohol abuse and he is STILL DRINKING. He has almost lost his family so many times and yet he still chooses this. WHY? WHY THE FUCK CANT HE JUST GET RIGHT? He is also taking 300mg of wellbutrin, smoking two packs a day and drinking energy drinks in excess. He is doing himself/his liver no favors.
This part gets really dark. Apologies in advance, but I am going to get really real with y'all and I hope you can understand where I am coming from and hope that you understand I am not a terrible person.
When I put two and two together, I thought to myself, "maybe he is in end stage liver failure. maybe he will save me the trouble of divorcing him and just die." As effed up as it is seems, him dying would really be best case scenario. He has life insurance, I could pay down my mortgage, I could keep my house and my dogs, my kids could remain in school, my four year old would have limited memories of his abuse dad, etcetera. However, I think the more likely scenario is that he could just become another dependent, one that I massively resent.
I don't know what to do. All his weird behaviors, like being in a terrible mood at night (cause he is drunk) and being nice in the morning makes so much sense now. I am so stupid and so cowardly. I feel like I have a blood pressure cuff on my heart. I have so much pressure at work and I am trying to keep things light for the kids. I don't want to subject them to anything unpleasant, much less additional trauma. I feel like I need a trusted adult but I am (supposed to be ) the trusted adult. I am so scared about what happens next and that I am going to make a bad decision that my children will have to deal with.
I get a bonus from work at the end of next month and I need to buy a cash car but I could use the remainder for a retainer for a divorce attorney. WH sees the GI early May. Do I wait to see if they tell him he is dying? That is a terrible plan right? We have a mortgage that we have a ton of equity in and I love everything about where we live. Its our home. Leaving would mean moving in with my widowed mother 35 minutes away and giving up this life I have built for my children.