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Newest Member: Valaki

Divorce/Separation :
Entering New Phase in Relationship (Trigger Warning)


Solarchick ( member #80222) posted at 5:39 AM on Friday, November 18th, 2022

I will be sober 18 years in 3 weeks (God willing). If your STBXWH is serious about getting sober, he will be going to AA, start working the steps, and get a sponsor. Not drinking is not getting sober, it's merely white-knuckling it until he feels safe enough to start drinking again. He's still in denial that he is an alcoholic.

This may seem counter-intuitive, but the best thing you can do for him, alcoholism recovery-wise, is to let him hit rock bottom. And let that bottom be deep and hard. Just like infidelity, there have to be real and painful consequences to his actions before he'll change.

It's hard as hell to get sober, and it takes a LOT of motivation to put yourself through the hard work it takes to get good sobriety. And then you have to diligently maintain that sobriety.

So yeah, don't feel guilty about leaving him without a support system. He needs to experience that loss. You said it yourself that it was the drinking and his behavior while under the influence that was the straw that finally broke the camel's back.

I'm not saying you should be callous or uncaring. I'm saying don't be co-dependent or try to diminimish or lessen the consequences of his drinking. Just like the affair, you didn't cause his alcoholism, you can't fix it, and it's definitely not your job to fix it. It is 110% on him to get his shit together.

An Al-Anon meeting might be good for you.

Keep on your path and take care of yourself and your kids (especially your 4 YO) first. Your STBXWH should be a distant third. (Actually, he shouldn't even be in your top 10.)

The good news is (even though it's pretty sad good news), less than 5% of marriages survive one or both spouses getting sober, so at least you're not trying to swim upstream on that one.

You're doing really well is a super crappy situation. Keep up the good work!

Me: BW, 56, two awesome grown sons. Remarried in 2010. That lasted 11 years.
WXH: Not even a blip on my radar anymore. I'm glad he's messing up the OW's life now and leaving me alone.
D (with cause) in 2004.

posts: 153   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2022   ·   location: Charleston, SC
id 8765655

OwningItNow ( member #52288) posted at 6:32 AM on Friday, November 18th, 2022

I have a lot of experience with highly manipulative people starting with my mother, and so many things your WH is saying and doing are triggering me. He seems to be throwing anything and everything he can at you to try to keep you in the M. You even recognize this and wonder if the Florida job was ever real? Just wow. I remember my ex years ago pretending to go to therapy every week. He would tell me all about his visits, but I had already found evidence that the therapist didn't exist. I just let him continue with the lie, almost like a case study so I could learn. It was just so crazy the way he would spin these elaborate tales! Do you think the $40 K salary bump will materialize? Does your WH have a history of lying or exaggerating?

The most bothersome to me was when he said

WH had texted me, asking me when I was going to be home from my sister's as he wanted to spend time with our son.

Because honestly, people who love their kids and spouse almost always want them to enjoy what they are doing, so they don't try to control it and shut it down by saying they "want you to come home now," you know, out of a strong paternal need to give love. What a load of crap! He just wanted to control you!

When I got back, I asked him if he was going to spend time with our kid and he said he couldn't

Of course! Because it was always a lie to get you home! It was always about shutting your life down.

He has been very polite and considerate, which is good but it is also confusing. I feel like he is continuing to try to manipulate by telling me that he is going to be making 40k more and then telling me he needs support with his mom.

Because he is using this drama to manipulate you!

I feel weirdly guilty about still wanting to get divorced even though he is seemingly making all these changes. But then he still says things that make it seem like he doesn't "get it".

Noooo!!!! That guilt is misplaced. Where is it coming from? Are you in IC? You have nothing to feel guilty about and need to get a handle on this misplaced emotion because he sees your weakness and is using it against you.

He is 100% manipulating you. If you ever see that $40K I'll die of shock. And you told him you want to get on good financial footing, so he'll never let that happen. He'll overspend to keep you there. Or find some other reason to incur more debt.

This man is a controlling abuser, not a person genuinely working on himself. He is lying and manipulating constantly. Be vigilant. He is dangerous.

me: BS/WSh: WS/BS

Reject the rejector. Do not reject yourself.

posts: 5721   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2016   ·   location: Midwest
id 8765657

wifehad5 ( Administrator #15162) posted at 4:47 PM on Wednesday, March 15th, 2023

Bump smile

FBH - 50 FWW - 51 (BrokenRoad)2 kids 15 & 20
The people you do your life with shape the life you live

posts: 55635   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2007   ·   location: Michigan
id 8782332

 BigMammaJamma (original poster member #65954) posted at 6:18 PM on Wednesday, March 15th, 2023

I am so frozen and stuck right now and I have NO idea what to do next.

Back in November, I decided enough was enough. I was ready. My husband had another drinking episode and I had realized that this was going to be my life forever. I had started implementing the 180 and exploring my legal options. My WH started going to the gym, eating healthfully, drinking water, being patient with me, and ostensibly stopped drinking. Things started being okay. I was most assuredly not in love any more but I didn't feel compelled to take immediate action. My eldest will be a senior in high school next year, so I told myself that we will stay here, let her finish high school and I will eliminate my debt and build a nest egg so I can be ready to transition out of this marriage when my eldest graduates. I told WH that the one condition for us staying in that house was that he stay sober. It is/was a hard boundary.

A couple of weeks ago, my WH started complaining of some weird/scary symptoms. Dark blood in his stool, weird bruising on his arms, explosive diarrhea, belly slightly distended, among other things. He scheduled an appointment with our GP and they ordered a CT. WH said that the CT showed his colon swollen to 3x the normal size and "cysts" on his liver. The doctor order a handful of antibiotics and made a referral to a GI for the colonoscopy and whatever else that would need to be done. The way WH is trying to present to me like he has some sort of colon-GI issue, but I suspect he may be experiencing cirrhosis or liver failure.

A few days ago, I was looking for a cooler, and I opened up a cabinet in our garage and I found a stash of empty beer cans. True to form, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and thought that maybe these are old and were forgotten about. I took a pic with my camera phone and left them there. The next morning was trash day and I checked and they were gone. That night there were new cans there. So he is drinking again or never stopped. There were definitely times where I thought he might be drunk, but when I confronted him, he always acted so hurt that I would accuse him.

So, this man is having major symptoms that seem related to chronic alcohol abuse and he is STILL DRINKING. He has almost lost his family so many times and yet he still chooses this. WHY? WHY THE FUCK CANT HE JUST GET RIGHT? He is also taking 300mg of wellbutrin, smoking two packs a day and drinking energy drinks in excess. He is doing himself/his liver no favors.

This part gets really dark. Apologies in advance, but I am going to get really real with y'all and I hope you can understand where I am coming from and hope that you understand I am not a terrible person.

When I put two and two together, I thought to myself, "maybe he is in end stage liver failure. maybe he will save me the trouble of divorcing him and just die." As effed up as it is seems, him dying would really be best case scenario. He has life insurance, I could pay down my mortgage, I could keep my house and my dogs, my kids could remain in school, my four year old would have limited memories of his abuse dad, etcetera. However, I think the more likely scenario is that he could just become another dependent, one that I massively resent.

I don't know what to do. All his weird behaviors, like being in a terrible mood at night (cause he is drunk) and being nice in the morning makes so much sense now. I am so stupid and so cowardly. I feel like I have a blood pressure cuff on my heart. I have so much pressure at work and I am trying to keep things light for the kids. I don't want to subject them to anything unpleasant, much less additional trauma. I feel like I need a trusted adult but I am (supposed to be ) the trusted adult. I am so scared about what happens next and that I am going to make a bad decision that my children will have to deal with.

I get a bonus from work at the end of next month and I need to buy a cash car but I could use the remainder for a retainer for a divorce attorney. WH sees the GI early May. Do I wait to see if they tell him he is dying? That is a terrible plan right? We have a mortgage that we have a ton of equity in and I love everything about where we live. Its our home. Leaving would mean moving in with my widowed mother 35 minutes away and giving up this life I have built for my children.

Me- born in 1984Him- born in 1979We both have 2 kids from previous marriages and we share a four year old. I might be a BS, but at this point, I don't know if I'll ever know.

Update: As of 5/8/2020, my WH confirmed I belong in this club

posts: 276   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2018   ·   location: Deep in the Heart of Texas
id 8782348

BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 1:48 AM on Thursday, March 16th, 2023

Talk to a lawyer immediately. You keep putting it off and things keep getting worse.

I don't blame you for fantasizing about him dying and potentially giving you an easy out, but in reality, drinking oneself to death is rarely a quick and painless process. You could end up draining your savings and depleting your assets in order finance his long-term care. You will also deeply resent being tied down to care for a man you no longer love and who continually hurts and disappoints you, which isn't beneficial to either of you.

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 1271   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8782397

leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 3:33 AM on Thursday, March 16th, 2023

TBH, I wished my XWH would have an accident and pass, similar to your thinking. It would be so much easier. Gave me insight into why one spouse would kill another.

My youngest DS had a friend whose mom passed at 52 due to cirrhosis from chronic alcoholism. It's a painful way to die.

Do dirty that he couldn't stay sober and become a safe partner.

I'd check with a lawyer about options and pick what is more advantageous for you and what you think you can handle.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 1930   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8782408

devotedman ( member #45441) posted at 6:42 PM on Thursday, March 16th, 2023

One thing you can ask for in a divorce is that the STBX have a life insurance policy that pays you in the event that they die aNd can't pay support.

Me: 2xBS b 1962 xWW after 2 decades, xWGF after almost 1.
Amelia Pond: Who are you?
The Doctor: I don't know yet. I'm still cooking.
ENFP-A. Huh.

posts: 5155   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2014   ·   location: Central USA
id 8782500

 BigMammaJamma (original poster member #65954) posted at 9:01 PM on Thursday, March 16th, 2023

Thank you. I guess I keep hoping and wishing for this easy way out but there is none. He is perpetrating like he is on his best behavior and working hard to earn his way into our lives. He has no idea that I know.

He utterly disgusts me.

I have to make a move soon because I literally cannot take it; my anxiety increase every day. I have to at least wait until I get my bonus in April. I will start making my moves then. I will fill my spare time with planning. Thank you for the tip about asking for a life insurance policy in the divorce, devotedman. I didn't know that was a thing.

Me- born in 1984Him- born in 1979We both have 2 kids from previous marriages and we share a four year old. I might be a BS, but at this point, I don't know if I'll ever know.

Update: As of 5/8/2020, my WH confirmed I belong in this club

posts: 276   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2018   ·   location: Deep in the Heart of Texas
id 8782511
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