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Newest Member: Jesse123

Divorce/Separation :
Entering New Phase in Relationship (Trigger Warning)

Topic is Sleeping.
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Solarchick ( member #80222) posted at 5:39 AM on Friday, November 18th, 2022

I will be sober 18 years in 3 weeks (God willing). If your STBXWH is serious about getting sober, he will be going to AA, start working the steps, and get a sponsor. Not drinking is not getting sober, it's merely white-knuckling it until he feels safe enough to start drinking again. He's still in denial that he is an alcoholic.

This may seem counter-intuitive, but the best thing you can do for him, alcoholism recovery-wise, is to let him hit rock bottom. And let that bottom be deep and hard. Just like infidelity, there have to be real and painful consequences to his actions before he'll change.

It's hard as hell to get sober, and it takes a LOT of motivation to put yourself through the hard work it takes to get good sobriety. And then you have to diligently maintain that sobriety.

So yeah, don't feel guilty about leaving him without a support system. He needs to experience that loss. You said it yourself that it was the drinking and his behavior while under the influence that was the straw that finally broke the camel's back.

I'm not saying you should be callous or uncaring. I'm saying don't be co-dependent or try to diminimish or lessen the consequences of his drinking. Just like the affair, you didn't cause his alcoholism, you can't fix it, and it's definitely not your job to fix it. It is 110% on him to get his shit together.

An Al-Anon meeting might be good for you.

Keep on your path and take care of yourself and your kids (especially your 4 YO) first. Your STBXWH should be a distant third. (Actually, he shouldn't even be in your top 10.)

The good news is (even though it's pretty sad good news), less than 5% of marriages survive one or both spouses getting sober, so at least you're not trying to swim upstream on that one.

You're doing really well is a super crappy situation. Keep up the good work!

Me: BW, 57, two awesome grown sons. Remarried in 2010. That lasted 11 years.WXH: Not even a blip on my radar anymore. I'm glad he's messing up the OW's life now and leaving me alone. D (with cause) in 2004.

posts: 153   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2022   ·   location: Charleston, SC
id 8765655
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OwningItNow ( member #52288) posted at 6:32 AM on Friday, November 18th, 2022

I have a lot of experience with highly manipulative people starting with my mother, and so many things your WH is saying and doing are triggering me. He seems to be throwing anything and everything he can at you to try to keep you in the M. You even recognize this and wonder if the Florida job was ever real? Just wow. I remember my ex years ago pretending to go to therapy every week. He would tell me all about his visits, but I had already found evidence that the therapist didn't exist. I just let him continue with the lie, almost like a case study so I could learn. It was just so crazy the way he would spin these elaborate tales! Do you think the $40 K salary bump will materialize? Does your WH have a history of lying or exaggerating?

The most bothersome to me was when he said

WH had texted me, asking me when I was going to be home from my sister's as he wanted to spend time with our son.

Because honestly, people who love their kids and spouse almost always want them to enjoy what they are doing, so they don't try to control it and shut it down by saying they "want you to come home now," you know, out of a strong paternal need to give love. What a load of crap! He just wanted to control you!

When I got back, I asked him if he was going to spend time with our kid and he said he couldn't

Of course! Because it was always a lie to get you home! It was always about shutting your life down.

He has been very polite and considerate, which is good but it is also confusing. I feel like he is continuing to try to manipulate by telling me that he is going to be making 40k more and then telling me he needs support with his mom.

Because he is using this drama to manipulate you!

I feel weirdly guilty about still wanting to get divorced even though he is seemingly making all these changes. But then he still says things that make it seem like he doesn't "get it".

Noooo!!!! That guilt is misplaced. Where is it coming from? Are you in IC? You have nothing to feel guilty about and need to get a handle on this misplaced emotion because he sees your weakness and is using it against you.

He is 100% manipulating you. If you ever see that $40K I'll die of shock. And you told him you want to get on good financial footing, so he'll never let that happen. He'll overspend to keep you there. Or find some other reason to incur more debt.

This man is a controlling abuser, not a person genuinely working on himself. He is lying and manipulating constantly. Be vigilant. He is dangerous.

me: BS/WSh: WS/BS

Reject the rejector. Do not reject yourself.

posts: 5847   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2016   ·   location: Midwest
id 8765657
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wifehad5 ( Administrator #15162) posted at 4:47 PM on Wednesday, March 15th, 2023

Bump smile

FBH - 52 FWW - 53 (BrokenRoad)2 kids 17 & 22The people you do your life with shape the life you live

posts: 55753   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2007   ·   location: Michigan
id 8782332
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 BigMammaJamma (original poster member #65954) posted at 6:18 PM on Wednesday, March 15th, 2023

I am so frozen and stuck right now and I have NO idea what to do next.

Back in November, I decided enough was enough. I was ready. My husband had another drinking episode and I had realized that this was going to be my life forever. I had started implementing the 180 and exploring my legal options. My WH started going to the gym, eating healthfully, drinking water, being patient with me, and ostensibly stopped drinking. Things started being okay. I was most assuredly not in love any more but I didn't feel compelled to take immediate action. My eldest will be a senior in high school next year, so I told myself that we will stay here, let her finish high school and I will eliminate my debt and build a nest egg so I can be ready to transition out of this marriage when my eldest graduates. I told WH that the one condition for us staying in that house was that he stay sober. It is/was a hard boundary.

A couple of weeks ago, my WH started complaining of some weird/scary symptoms. Dark blood in his stool, weird bruising on his arms, explosive diarrhea, belly slightly distended, among other things. He scheduled an appointment with our GP and they ordered a CT. WH said that the CT showed his colon swollen to 3x the normal size and "cysts" on his liver. The doctor order a handful of antibiotics and made a referral to a GI for the colonoscopy and whatever else that would need to be done. The way WH is trying to present to me like he has some sort of colon-GI issue, but I suspect he may be experiencing cirrhosis or liver failure.

A few days ago, I was looking for a cooler, and I opened up a cabinet in our garage and I found a stash of empty beer cans. True to form, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and thought that maybe these are old and were forgotten about. I took a pic with my camera phone and left them there. The next morning was trash day and I checked and they were gone. That night there were new cans there. So he is drinking again or never stopped. There were definitely times where I thought he might be drunk, but when I confronted him, he always acted so hurt that I would accuse him.

So, this man is having major symptoms that seem related to chronic alcohol abuse and he is STILL DRINKING. He has almost lost his family so many times and yet he still chooses this. WHY? WHY THE FUCK CANT HE JUST GET RIGHT? He is also taking 300mg of wellbutrin, smoking two packs a day and drinking energy drinks in excess. He is doing himself/his liver no favors.


This part gets really dark. Apologies in advance, but I am going to get really real with y'all and I hope you can understand where I am coming from and hope that you understand I am not a terrible person.

When I put two and two together, I thought to myself, "maybe he is in end stage liver failure. maybe he will save me the trouble of divorcing him and just die." As effed up as it is seems, him dying would really be best case scenario. He has life insurance, I could pay down my mortgage, I could keep my house and my dogs, my kids could remain in school, my four year old would have limited memories of his abuse dad, etcetera. However, I think the more likely scenario is that he could just become another dependent, one that I massively resent.

I don't know what to do. All his weird behaviors, like being in a terrible mood at night (cause he is drunk) and being nice in the morning makes so much sense now. I am so stupid and so cowardly. I feel like I have a blood pressure cuff on my heart. I have so much pressure at work and I am trying to keep things light for the kids. I don't want to subject them to anything unpleasant, much less additional trauma. I feel like I need a trusted adult but I am (supposed to be ) the trusted adult. I am so scared about what happens next and that I am going to make a bad decision that my children will have to deal with.

I get a bonus from work at the end of next month and I need to buy a cash car but I could use the remainder for a retainer for a divorce attorney. WH sees the GI early May. Do I wait to see if they tell him he is dying? That is a terrible plan right? We have a mortgage that we have a ton of equity in and I love everything about where we live. Its our home. Leaving would mean moving in with my widowed mother 35 minutes away and giving up this life I have built for my children.

Me- born in 1984Him- born in 1979We both have 2 kids from previous marriages and we share a four year old. I might be a BS, but at this point, I don't know if I'll ever know.

Update: As of 5/8/2020, my WH confirmed I belong in this club

posts: 296   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2018   ·   location: Deep in the Heart of Texas
id 8782348
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 1:48 AM on Thursday, March 16th, 2023

Talk to a lawyer immediately. You keep putting it off and things keep getting worse.

I don't blame you for fantasizing about him dying and potentially giving you an easy out, but in reality, drinking oneself to death is rarely a quick and painless process. You could end up draining your savings and depleting your assets in order finance his long-term care. You will also deeply resent being tied down to care for a man you no longer love and who continually hurts and disappoints you, which isn't beneficial to either of you.

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 1803   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8782397
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 3:33 AM on Thursday, March 16th, 2023

TBH, I wished my XWH would have an accident and pass, similar to your thinking. It would be so much easier. Gave me insight into why one spouse would kill another.

My youngest DS had a friend whose mom passed at 52 due to cirrhosis from chronic alcoholism. It's a painful way to die.

Do dirty that he couldn't stay sober and become a safe partner.

I'd check with a lawyer about options and pick what is more advantageous for you and what you think you can handle.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3126   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8782408
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devotedman ( member #45441) posted at 6:42 PM on Thursday, March 16th, 2023

One thing you can ask for in a divorce is that the STBX have a life insurance policy that pays you in the event that they die aNd can't pay support.

Me: 2xBS b 1962 xWW after 2 decades, xWGF after almost 1.
Amelia Pond: Who are you?
The Doctor: I don't know yet. I'm still cooking.
ENFP-A. Huh.

posts: 5155   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2014   ·   location: Central USA
id 8782500
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 BigMammaJamma (original poster member #65954) posted at 9:01 PM on Thursday, March 16th, 2023

Thank you. I guess I keep hoping and wishing for this easy way out but there is none. He is perpetrating like he is on his best behavior and working hard to earn his way into our lives. He has no idea that I know.

He utterly disgusts me.

I have to make a move soon because I literally cannot take it; my anxiety increase every day. I have to at least wait until I get my bonus in April. I will start making my moves then. I will fill my spare time with planning. Thank you for the tip about asking for a life insurance policy in the divorce, devotedman. I didn't know that was a thing.

Me- born in 1984Him- born in 1979We both have 2 kids from previous marriages and we share a four year old. I might be a BS, but at this point, I don't know if I'll ever know.

Update: As of 5/8/2020, my WH confirmed I belong in this club

posts: 296   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2018   ·   location: Deep in the Heart of Texas
id 8782511
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Hurtmyheart ( member #63008) posted at 9:02 PM on Thursday, March 30th, 2023

Your WH IS on his way out because he is an addict with no plans to quit doing whatever it is that he is doing. No doubt his addictions are killing him because his addictions are WAY more important than anything else in his life dispite the diagnosis he received recently.

I'm sorry for what you are going through. Whether he is alive or dead, the struggle is real! No easy way out of this one. And your kid's may see him acting up but I'm sure they don't understand the significance of his illness. You nor your wh husband may not either. His symptoms are life threatening and will eventually cost him his life, probably sooner than later.

I haven't read your whole thread, has he cheated throughout your entire marriage too? All of these addictions go hand n hand, chasing the high.

My late wh passed 3 years ago from a combination of things. He was an active alcoholic although he did quit I guess intermittently. He loved chasing other women, getting naughty sex and getting high off of it. Workaholic. And his work environment was stressful. I also feel the stress of the guilt and shame he was feeling was part of his early demise.

I'm sorry that you are having to go through this too. It is gut wrenching and soul crushing. I am forever changed. Addictions are so evil.

I do believe that there is hope in our healing process though. But I have found that it has taken me a very long time to get to any understanding of why I put up with his abusive behavior in the first place. I thought I was a victim and helpless and couldn't get things done on my own. Learned helplessness was part of my upbringing. This is why I raised my two kid's to be strong in themselves because I didn't want to see them carry this same behavior into their own lives. Thinking that I was helpless was emotionally and mentally debilitating.

I can't tell you what to do but you may want to find out what stage of liver disease he is at.

Keep on posting here please. It may not seem like it right now because of all of your struggles but I do believe you are on the right path.

posts: 905   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8784901
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 BigMammaJamma (original poster member #65954) posted at 5:35 PM on Thursday, May 4th, 2023

I did it. I freaking did it.

I engaged (paid retainer, signed fee agreement) a lawyer on May 2nd, which happened to be my 8th anniversary. Paperwork was filed with the court yesterday. I am not sure where he has been staying, but he hasn't spent the night here in two weeks. He knows we were headed for divorce and I told him I had engaged a lawyer and he should be expecting paperwork soon.

I have two kids from a previous marriage (16f and 14m). My eldest is going to be a senior next year. My STBXH and I share a five year old, who will be going into kindergarten this upcoming school year. The only thing I want is to retain ownership of our house. He is really pushing me to reveal what I want and to come up with an agreement ASAP. The thing that I am worried about is that he keeps saying he wants "his fair share of the equity". I think he and I are miles apart on how much we think this house is worth.

Just in case anyone is good with numbers and can provide any insight, we bought our 3-2-2 house in 2018 back when they were basically loaning money out for free. Purchase price was 187k. We now owe 167k. It was a fixer upper then and somehow its even more of a fixer upper now. Zillow is trying to tell me it is worth 265, but there are major repairs needed. So many unfinished projects that were started but never finished.

1. Slab Leak
The line from the hot water heater to the master bathroom has a leak, so we have to turn the hot water on and off when we want to use it to keep it from running. The will have to break open the slab to access the pipe that needs to be fixed.

2. Middle Bathroom Unrealized Renovation
Three years ago, he started renovating the middle bathroom. He took it down to the studs and then just stopped. It is not a functioning bathroom

3. Garage Door is broken

4. Soffit needs to be replaced

5. Exterior doors needs to be replaced

6. Roof may need to be replaced due to hail

7. Asbestos floor tiles need to be encapsulated with concrete


He told me that he could get a cash offer for 287k, and this just sounds like total bullshit to me. It is only comped that high because they have been flipping houses all over our neighborhood. Those houses have all been updated. He said he wants at least 25k out of the house. That makes me worried because I don't know if that prices me out of the house.

ADDITIONALLY, he didn't pay the mortgage payment for March or April, even though I gave him my share of the bill money. He also was 30+ days past due on my car note. These two things caused my credit score to plunge form like 701 to 620. I am concerned on how that will impact my ability to purchase my house. I have caught us up on our house and car payments and I will be managing it from here but the damage to my credit score is done.

Me- born in 1984Him- born in 1979We both have 2 kids from previous marriages and we share a four year old. I might be a BS, but at this point, I don't know if I'll ever know.

Update: As of 5/8/2020, my WH confirmed I belong in this club

posts: 296   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2018   ·   location: Deep in the Heart of Texas
id 8789584
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ChewedMeUp ( member #8008) posted at 8:32 PM on Friday, May 5th, 2023

First, congrats on getting things rolling! It can be so difficult to just take that step.

As for the house, that's what the lawyer is for. Generally, an appraisal for a real value, and negotiations to figure out the trade-offs. Just because he has an idea of what he thinks he's entitled to, doesn't make it true. There are many other plausible solutions besides just paying him off, such as an agreement for you to live there X number of years, then sell, etc. You hired a lawyer for a reason, this is part of the job you're paying them for.

I wish you the best of luck through this process - I hope he's not too difficult about it.

BS - over 40
DivorcED, finally.
2 Kids

posts: 654   ·   registered: Aug. 26th, 2005   ·   location: Baltimore, MD
id 8789849
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NowWhat106 ( member #35497) posted at 3:28 AM on Monday, May 8th, 2023

I just wanted to pop in to say how strong and amazing you are, BigMamma. You are taking the hardest, most painful steps forward to take care of yourself and your kids. You rock!!

Ask your attorney what you can do about the credit score losses. You’re entitled to write an explanation in your credit report and to note that the late payments are a complete anomaly in your credit history. Beyond that, ask your attorney if there are other steps you can take. It’s a relief to hear that you have taken over the payments now. Don’t give him control over anything that he can use to do harm if at all possible.

Sending you huge hugs of support. You’ve got this. You are on your way out of his dysfunction.

Me BS
Him WS
LTEA with old HS GF from 25+ years ago
DD #1: 10/6/2011
DD #2: 10/21/2011
2DS under18
My marriage didn’t survive but I did

posts: 580   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2012
id 8790041
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 10:18 PM on Monday, August 28th, 2023

Bump

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 12097   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8805853
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 BigMammaJamma (original poster member #65954) posted at 2:24 AM on Tuesday, August 29th, 2023

I just wanted to check in. Mostly for those who are considering divorce or separation and are perusing this forum to see how it has been for others.

I am still going through the process of divorce, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. We have come to an agreement and we are just waiting for my attorney to draw up the final settlement. I don't exactly know where they are with that, if I email my lawyer for a status update, it is .25 of a billable hour. I have spent approximately 8k, I was hoping to be divorced for less. I will say luckily I have not had to put any of it on credit. I have been donating plasma to avoid having to charge it.

While I am grateful that my stbxh and I have been able to settle on terms, this phase of waiting does feel like purgatory. I remind myself that many others go through years of litigation and bitterness, so I try to remain thankful that I will not have to experience that but I just want to be done already.

The terms are pretty favorable. We purchased our house back in 2018 when house values were down for a 4% interest rate. Our house value has almost doubled, but I am only going to have to give my STBXH 25k from the equity. Everything else will be split according to who owns it, debt, credit cards, cars, etc. I have 1 year from the date of the divorce to refinance the house and my car, so I will bid my time and hopefully interest rates will go down.

The son (5) that my stbxh and I share is thriving. He started kindergarten this year and is advancing in his little warriors taekwondo class. He and I have become very close and despite his dad being an inconsistent flake, is doing well. It makes me sad when his dad makes plans with him only to flake. Recently stbxh told him that he would take him to dave and busters but later cancelled on him last minute by texting me. When I went to tell him that dad wasn't coming, he was already dressed with shoes on and hair combed, ready to be picked up. I no longer tell my son when his dad makes plans with him, at least not until my stbxh is at the front door, ready to pick him up. I spend my time making memories with my son and experiencing things together. We did many fun things together this summer. We went to schlitterbahn, mediaeval times, the local water park and other various local adventures. We have even set up a regular "date" where he and I go bowling when my other two children from a previous relationship are with their dad and its just me and my 5 year old. There are other adults in my son's life that support him and take and active interest in him. It doesn't replace a good father-son relationship, but my son is hardly forgotten or alone or unsupported.

I am the happiest I can remember. I have been spending time with family and friends and living my best life uncriticized. My relationships with all three of my children have all blossomed and grown since my stbxh left the house. No one walks on eggshells. Money is undoubtedly tight, but when I don't have a monthly payment to a lawyer, things should ease up a bit. I am chomping at the bit to move on with my life.

I have been a member of this forum for many years, my journey started with you all. I was so scared for my future and I felt so alone and so unequipped to handle my situation. I just want to thank all of you for sharing you journey and providing the support and validation to make the right (but hard) decisions for myself and my kids. This forum has provided me with so much strength and insight, telling me hard truths but quelling my worst fears. You were all right and I love you and this forum so much. Thank you and I wish you strength and peace on your own journey. <3

Me- born in 1984Him- born in 1979We both have 2 kids from previous marriages and we share a four year old. I might be a BS, but at this point, I don't know if I'll ever know.

Update: As of 5/8/2020, my WH confirmed I belong in this club

posts: 296   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2018   ·   location: Deep in the Heart of Texas
id 8805877
Topic is Sleeping.
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