SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey Thisismine, chiming in to say that too I wanted to check in and see if you had any updates. I hope you are hanging in there.

[This message edited by BigMammaJamma at 9:52 PM, Tuesday, October 25th]

Thank you so much for all of your support and well wishes! Taking a breath and checking back in. My conversation on Thursday with my WH was intense. I was so grateful for all of the preparation from these messages: for instance, he totally tried to make it about me! For instance, that I’m "so hard to talk to," or it bothers me when he’s out late somewhere so he had no choice but to bring this woman to our home – it was nice to have a fast and fierce reply that this is all about HIS choices and HIS actions and HE owns them. He was clearly taken aback - and then actually DID own that he did make these choices and they must’ve made me feel horrible. (To be honest, that particular exchange is one I wish I had thought of or known about much earlier in our relationship – he’s pretty good at making his frustrating behaviors sound like they are my fault, and "owning your own choices" turns out to be a very powerful frame!) He also totally did the trickle truth thing – for instance, said "she stopped by," and when I said that’s not all he asked me what else I thought happened and I had to say "no, I’m asking YOU what else happened" and so forth, until he finally allowed as how he "offered her a bite to eat" which I countered with " you mean you made her a steak dinner," and he said he had had a few drinks and doesn’t remember everything exactly and I said no way am I accepting that… Anyway I felt super prepared from all of you on the things he might try – and he tried them!! UGH!

It ended up being a really deep conversation. Turns out the woman on the video is a basket case he’s been "helping," whom I had known about a few years ago but had lost track of when she went to prison… Right. She does need a lot of help, but whether she needs it from him who knows, and whether she needed it at 11:45 on a Saturday night at my house when I was out of town… Anyway. His need to be someone’s hero is obvious and pathetic. In any case, I don’t have any faith or trust in what nature of relationship he has with her (he tried to represent it as mainly a mentoring type thing, but I really don’t believe anything he says). On the constructive side, we did get into a discussion of where a fear of closeness and an unwillingness to be transparent may come from for him, and he brought up some of the roots he has from childhood or previous relationships that may contribute to his own brokenness. I did appreciate the reflection and vulnerability on his part.

So for now, I suppose we are reconciled: we’re not currently breaking up anyway! I don’t trust him anymore. I am thinking about what I actually want from my own life, and whether a sometimes-fun guy who may or may not be messing around with some basket case other woman is on the list. Not sure! One thing I feel supported on from this group is recognizing that it’s not abnormal for me to be waffling, and that it might be normal not to be sure for a long time.

In the meantime, thank you all for your well wishes and support. It was very empowering to be so prepared to address how he showed up.

And, I’m sure some of you will be very glad to know that our dogs are in great shape!😊 My version of not taking them for evening walks has been taking them for morning walks, which honestly they seem to be fine with. At least the dogs and I are back to good… And I have some new bedding and kitchen implements that I actually like.

So, onward. Trying to give myself space and time to heal and come up with my actual long-term vision of a good life!

You did well! Continue to give yourself space and time to heal. Figure out what you want. All of this is very hard.

Your WH did not really explain why this AP was at your home so late at night alone with him. You can be a hero to someone in the daylight with your W present. Did he agree to no contact with this woman? He must drop her for the sake of your marriage. Be firm on your boundaries. It is not being cruel to demand he end their relationship. Good luck.

I'm sorry but you are nowhere near reconciled. Reconciliation is a process, and it takes years. And it doesn't even start until you have the truth. And you don't have that. You have no idea what his relationship is with this woman. If it was as he said,eventually, you would have had that from the beginning. You would have known she was there,because he would have told you. You caught him. His excuses are flimsy,at best.

Schedule a polygraph. You have to do this. Otherwise you live with a liar,and a cheater, who you've allowed to believe you are easily snowed. So he will continue to lie and cheat.

That IS a crazy story, WH. Like totally unbelievable.

Hate to be Debbie downer but his story is IMO a pack of lies. He tried to hide his actions from you.

Hellfire is spot on. Reconciliation takes years.

Mine minimized and downplayed. I am another that thinks it was more than friendly dinner. That's pretty late anyway......

I hope you say that this prison pal has to go.

Thank you for the update and I’m glad you were armed with the knowledge of how he would behave. Cheaters work from the same script, you knew his answers and excuses before you even asked.

I would add to everyone else don’t offer R yet. He hasn’t met any of the criteria to even begin. He is trying to push you to rug sweep so he can get back out there. Hold him accountable and work on healing before you do anything else.

So glad to see you are thinking about you and what you want in life.
It'll be a bumpy ride no matter what road you go down, clearly he isn't going to own up to his own sh*t. I hope for your sake at some point he does and becomes a safe partner for you.
Keep his feet to the fire, and keep in the forefront of your mind, honesty is something that appears to NOT be in his wheelhouse.

Gently, it sounds like you are prepared to rug sweep and move on. Also, if this woman has spent time in prison, I would be very careful with her knowing where you live, etc.

I just don't think he has been truthful at all and is leaving a LOT out. Proceed with caution, which it sounds like you are.

His complete dishonesty will force you into being his "Warden". I expect the lack of trust will wear very thin over time. Just resolutely stay on that road you have put yourself on of making your life better.

There is a lot that doesn't make sense and/or was ignored.

Remember they came back at almost midnight and locked the door. When did she leave? There's no record of it. He deleted the MORNING footage, which logic says she stayed the night. So this "basketcase" of a woman, who needed some help from a married man is going to not try anything?

I agree that you seem to be willing to rugsweep what has happened. I can understand the want of having things go "back to normal", but your "normal" was full of him hiding this woman from you. "Normal" is deleting messages, phone logs, video footage.

Even if he was 100% completely open with you before all of this happened, what type of message is he sending that he allows a "basketcase" into his home at 11:30pm at night when his wife is out of town? That's just inappropriate behavior on it's own.

I hope you think about some of this so that you're not blindsided down the road because I don't think he's being honest about what went down.

My post probably seems very blunt and unfeeling. I'm sorry for that. I'm just trying to "shake" you a little because I think you're missing some important facts.

[This message edited by BeingNaive at 5:54 PM, Thursday, October 27th]

ThatIsMine -

Cheaters using the poor pitiful "friend" that they were only helping, who’s "going through something(s)" is a VERY common lie. I would go out on a limb to say it’s the number one explanation cheaters use to cover their tracks - especially if they plan to keep on cheating. Think about it, how can you be mad at him for wanting to "help" someone? He’s just being a "good person" And their "friend" usually "have no one else" they can turn to. That makes YOU out to be the monster. And any communication they have, no matter how late at night or early in the morning, or last minute, is easily explained away as their "friend" who is in "crisis" and really needs someone and YOU’RE the bad person who’s "insecure" and cruel. The AP is the victim and the BS becomes the villain. Lemme ask, he plans to keep "mentoring" her?

What you’re doing is an extremely common coping method of betrayed spouses as well. You just want all this ugliness to go away. You want it to just go back to how it was and for everything to be ok because the reality is horrible. So you’re willing to swallow the absurd story that he’s feeding you. You come across as a highly intelligent woman. You know deep down what he said is horseshit. If your sister, mother, cousin, bff, stranger woman on the street told you that their husband is just "mentoring" some woman, didn’t tell them about it, invited her over to their home, WHILE THEY WERE OUT OF TOWN, late at night, made her a steak dinner, and then went to the extremes of deleting the camera footage, you would tell that woman to wake the fuck up. So I’m hitting you with a 2x4 and begging you to wake tf up. They came back in the house after their walk around your neighborhood (your husband is shameless!) with your dogs, and went back in the house. What does that tell you? — that they were settling in for the night. Isn’t that exactly what you and he do? That’s literally your nightly routine to eventually settle in for the night. And all that stuff about his childhood, maybe true, but it was used as a diversion from his adultery. He was "vulnerable" and at the end of this incident with all his lies, and scheming, and covering his tracks, you’re left feeling empathy for him instead of rage. I’m really sorry this is happening to you. It’s mind games.

If you rugsweep this, he’ll just keep cheating. He knows what he told you is nonsense and if you’re willing to accept it, it’s granting him a greenlight to continue. Again, I’m really sorry. I know you want to just leave this all behind. Denial will only prolong how long he continues to use you and you’re only temporarily delaying the pain of his betrayal. You’re going to have to face it eventually and hopefully before he gives you an STD, or she ends up pregnant, or he stays around just long enough to be eligible for alimony and leaves you for her and sues you for half your stuff to support them.

[This message edited by Aletheia at 7:07 PM, Thursday, October 27th]

The guy married you a year ago. He is bringing grown women into your house late at night on a saturday (I garantie you they where not inside only cuddling one another hair), and without your notice deletes your home footage at his will. Me. Me. Me.

Not mean to sound harsh, but he is playing you. His childhood does not come to the matter in hand. At all. If he lacks a set of fixed bondaries (even if "excused" by his past life) he should start by not getting into relanshionships. Or at least not into ones where both parties involved are NOT ok with poligamy games. He does the opposite. Eats the cake while keeping it. What a "good" life he has got... No wonder he wants to keep it... Don't let him do that to YOU. You deserve BETTER.

And he now sees that he may easily make you rugsweep (going by your wording on the "reconcile" aspect).

Things to do:

Written timeline with everything that happened.

No contact.

Access to all his electronics.

Polygraph (at least starting by mencioning it - pretty powerfull point here).

STD testing.

No sex until you fell you know what you REALLY need to know and are ok with intimacy/feel the person by your side DESERVES YOU. Deserves your body and your soul. That the person by your side RESPECTS YOU.

If nothing works? No kids? One year into the relation? RUN! There are plenty of people out there that will willingly respect you way more than what he has showned you being capable of.

Again, he IS playing you. Get mad. Get angry. That is the ONLY way out of infidelity - being it on the long term reconciling or divorcing. Ask me how I know. Ask many, many people around here - who are providing you with loads of excelent advice - how they know.

You DESERVE BETTER.

[This message edited by justanotherperson at 10:11 PM, Thursday, October 27th]

First, PLEASE, for your own protection, get tested for STDs immediately and again in a few months. It’s really critical to your health. And don’t let him make you feel shitty doing it. He has given you no reason to trust that you don’t need to do this.

Sadly, I agree with the other posters. You seem like a strong, independent, capable woman. If nothing is going on with the OW, why did he do this when you were away? Why did he go to the trouble of erasing the security tape? He invited a woman to your home for dinner. He cooked her a nice dinner. He wined and dined her using your home, the dishes/glasses that you eat and drink from. He washed everything up to make sure there was no trail. Any guesses on what else he cleaned up after to make sure that you wouldn’t know how many of the things in your home they used?

Reconciliation, as noted, is not something that happens like this. You seem to have decided to stay with him for now, which is your decision alone to make. Don’t forget that he is also free to make his own decisions and has been making some decisions that affect your life and well-being directly. He has given you excuses, attempted to share blame with you, and obviously, also lied about anything that you didn’t directly catch him at. Do you really trust that you have any semblance of the truth?

Believe me, I get it. We are conditioned in our relationships with them to buy their bullshit. Looking back at my marriage, I can see a million small examples when my WH’s "explanations" were outright lies that I knew didn’t make any sense at all, but ultimately, to be fair, I swallowed it. Cheating on me when we had small children was the point where I could no longer overlook his dysfunctional and unhealthy patterns. But that didn’t mean that I immediately became able to stop buying his bullshit. It took a lot of processing, observing, and relearning old patterns to see through his manipulations and lies and to adjust my own reactions.

If he did not IMMEDIATELY agree to cut her off cold and do it in front of you, he is still cheating. He did not in any way take you seriously if he thinks that he can continue the relationship in any capacity.

He needs to get into IC to figure out his shit. This doesn’t mean that he needs to talk to a therapist about how he’s a victim of his childhood or of life or of you. It means that he completely owns his own decisions and unhealthy behaviors and acknowledges that they need to change.

I know that a lot of this may sound harsh. Please know that it isn’t meant to be. We’ve all been through this. It’s truly hell. We just know from thousands of stories here that rugsweeping and hoping that things just resolve themselves only leads to new discoveries and betrayals down the road. We’ll be here no matter what you decide. We’ll support you with care and honesty. We’ll be here if he betrays you again too. We all know how hard it is to respond in early days when your world is spinning. We’ve all made similar mistakes. No judgement. Just support and understanding of what a mindfuck infidelity is and how much strength is required to recover from it—especially if your WH is working against your healing.

Be good to yourself. Take care of yourself first. Give yourself time to really process what has happened without recommitting to him too quickly if you can. He should be falling all over himself right now to give you ANYTHING you need to work through this.

Is he?

If you don’t feel ready to do anything else, please watch his behavior and think about it. Really think. Is he showing you that making you safe and protected and loved in your marriage is his priority (and by that I don’t mean making you “feel” safe by snowing you or love-bombing you or showering you with gifts, but really making you safe—getting rid of the people and behaviors that ACTUALLY threaten your safety and security)?

Actions not words. Consider words white noise right now. Watch and think, my sister. You are strong enough and smart enough to get through this.

[This message edited by NowWhat106 at 8:56 PM, Thursday, October 27th]

I'm going to assume that you,like most women, know what groceries are in your fridge. Were those steaks there when you left? If not,then he went shopping for this little get together. She didn't just happen to stop by,and stay until dinner,so he threw something together.

Playing the hero to the poor dumb/crazy/hard-up/loser/lonely/new girl is not new on this forum. Its a cover up excuse. It’s deflection, the ‘hey, look at me doing a good thing, ignore looking at the evidence it’s a bad thing, look over here at me doing good instead. I couldn’t have done something so bad because look how I’m this woman’s hero, hero’s couldn’t possibly cheat’ It’s not new, it’s not even trickle truth, it’s trickery.

A hero wouldn’t cover his tracks by deleting the video evidence that would prove/support he was innocent and back his words.

You’re being lied to here.

[This message edited by LostInHisFog at 10:19 PM, Thursday, October 27th]

Just have to chime in and say your husband is 100% not telling the truth.

Do not rugweep. It will just drag out this pain. Have him write a timeline of all interactions with this person. and schedule a polygraph to confirm. I'm 100% sure you'll get a parking lot confession.

Please get std tested right away.

I don’t trust him anymore. I am thinking about what I actually want from my own life, and whether a sometimes-fun guy who may or may not be messing around with some basket case other woman is on the list. Not sure!

Okay, BUT part of "thinking about what I actually want from my own life" should include consulting a lawyer or two about what legal options look like in your jurisdiction and situation - including divorce and annulment. How about looking into a rock solid post-nup? "Not currently breaking up" doesn't mean you shouldn't protect yourself while dealing with your new reality - the reality that you're now married to a man you don't trust. Take care of you and take time to heal YES. And, take care of yourself by protecting finances - whether you go or stay.

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 5:39 PM, Saturday, October 29th]

Playing the hero to the poor dumb/crazy/hard-up/loser/lonely/new girl is not new on this forum. Its a cover up excuse. It’s deflection

I will add to this, they always affair down, they seek out the weak. He is more powerful if she is just a basket case. He has issues and this will take a lot of work from a willing participant. Don't lose sight that he couldnt make it a year.

[This message edited by Tanner at 12:53 PM, Saturday, October 29th]