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Newest Member: Crushedafter46years

Divorce/Separation :
Preparing for battle in the strange calm in my house

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 Crazytrain101 (original poster member #48200) posted at 5:45 PM on Tuesday, October 18th, 2022

ArkLaMiss, I am okay, I can agree with you, being conditioned over the years has likely dialed down my normal fight or flight responses.

WH was walking around the other day with this evil diabolical laugh, like seriously? The narc discard is heavy as well as applies to our kids. When I walk up the stairs and he's around he makes a stomping noise like he's running up behind me...like he's intimidating me. I need to get it on video and see if I can use it as the rationale to get him out of the house as intimidation. It's just hard to get him in the video shot while I'm going up duh

I appreciate you, I am still treading very carefully. WH stays locked in his room all hours except for working. I am still figuring out all the logistics and possibly leaving, my kids are in a bad place right now emotionally I almost can't imagine trying to take them out of their home. I know it's a moot point if we're all dead. It's just so tough at the moment.

6 years ago-found out he was a serial cheaterReconciled-2015 Back again September 2022 as WH is a cheater again Heading to Divorce

posts: 1768   ·   registered: Jun. 10th, 2015   ·   location: Ohio
id 8760133
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 6:30 PM on Tuesday, October 18th, 2022

I am a homebody and always have been so home is where I like to be. However, when I was younger and my mom was dealing with my very scary and abusive stepdad, I would have rather lived in a box with my mom and sis somewhere than stay in a house with him and his unpredictable behaviors. He made my home a not safe or pleasant place to be.

I can almost guarantee your kids feel that exact same way.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"The love that you lost isn't worth what it cost and in time you'll be glad that it's gone." – Linkin Park

posts: 3629   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8760138
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barcher144 ( member #54935) posted at 6:34 PM on Tuesday, October 18th, 2022

I am sorry this is happening to you. I divorced a narcissist and I was completely blind-sided by how low she was willing to go. I can't imagine how scary it would have been if she had been an angry and violent man, like you are dealing with.

Some thoughts:

1. I agree with Tushnurse. You need to be as bland as you possibly can be. Narcissists love attention, good or bad. You need to be bland and boring. Grey rock. This is about survival, not winning. You need to survive.

2. Have you talked to your lawyer about seeking an emergency/temporary hearing?

My ex-wife did this to me (and she was successful!). In my location, you can have ONE emergency/temporary hearing during a divorce for issues like you are facing. My thought here is that your accusations of violence and abuse would be sufficient to get you 100% control of your home, 100% temporary custody of your kids, and probably a protective order keeping him away from you.

The legal system is biased towards women in divorces because men tend to be much more angry and violent -- unfortunately, this is real in your situation. Look at it this way: would you want to be the judge who took the side of a man who eventually murdered his ex wife? Uh, no. So, if there is any hint of danger for you, the judge is very likely to side with your requests.

Me: BH, age 48Her: WS, age 45 (multiple EAs and PAs)D-Day: August 30, 2016

Diagnosed with depression in December 2016, which was primarily caused by my xWW's affair and associated emotional abuse.

posts: 5316   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2016
id 8760140
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 1:11 AM on Wednesday, October 19th, 2022

Barcher, her husband has been diabolically subtle in the things he’s done (shit in her mascara, urine in her mouthwash, shards of glass in her vibrator, etc). None of his antics have been documented and the things he’s done are so bizarre that, if we hadn’t been following her story in real time, would seem like badly written fiction.

He’s never actually laid a hand on her and she’s never reported anything he’s done to the cops at the time these incidents occurred. As I recall, she’s already been told that any allegations she raises now—none of which can be proven—would likely be viewed as vindictive in light of the fact that she’s filing for divorce.

You got burned really badly in your divorce, in large part because your wife called the cops on you when you had a fight and carefully crafted a paper trail with which she used to burn you in court.

It’s not useful to broadly assume that, because CT is a woman, she will automatically be believed and given everything she wants without evidence whatsoever.

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 953   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8760194
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barcher144 ( member #54935) posted at 5:53 PM on Thursday, October 20th, 2022

Barcher, her husband has been diabolically subtle in the things he’s done (shit in her mascara, urine in her mouthwash, shards of glass in her vibrator, etc). None of his antics have been documented and the things he’s done are so bizarre that, if we hadn’t been following her story in real time, would seem like badly written fiction.

You got burned really badly in your divorce, in large part because your wife called the cops on you when you had a fight and carefully crafted a paper trail with which she used to burn you in court.

It’s not useful to broadly assume that, because CT is a woman, she will automatically be believed and given everything she wants without evidence whatsoever.

Judges don't want to take the side of a man when domestic abuse allegations are being made. To be honest, the man honestly needs some proof that he did not commit acts of violence in situations like this.

My ex claimed that I assaulted her the night that she decided that she wanted a divorce. She filed her complaint 9 months after the night in question, a period that included ZERO allegations of any inappropriate behavior from me. She filed her complaint 1 week after I stopped depositing my paycheck in our joint checking account. I included a police report from the night in question that literally The judge believed her story anyway.

You don't need PROOF of domestic violence to get a judge to believe that you are a victim of domestic violence, especially at a PRELIMINARY/TEMPORARY HEARING. In my case, at least, there was only ONE opportunity to have such a hearing and there was literally no option for appeal.

As a minimum, it's worth discussing it with her attorney. My personal opinion is that these accusations ("shit in her mascara, urine in her mouthwash, shards of glass in her vibrator, etc") are very frightening and if I were a judge... I'd rule in her favor in a temporary hearing scenario.

Me: BH, age 48Her: WS, age 45 (multiple EAs and PAs)D-Day: August 30, 2016

Diagnosed with depression in December 2016, which was primarily caused by my xWW's affair and associated emotional abuse.

posts: 5316   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2016
id 8760397
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leafields ( member #63517) posted at 8:12 PM on Thursday, October 20th, 2022

CT, How are you doing?

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 1494   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8761352
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 1:44 PM on Saturday, October 22nd, 2022

Please check in

posts: 4854   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8761662
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 Crazytrain101 (original poster member #48200) posted at 5:57 PM on Saturday, October 22nd, 2022

Hi everyone! Thanks for everything, I'm still here. I've been doing 100% of the housework & child work as my WH has basically chosen to lock himself in his room each night from when he gets home from work until the next day.

Things have been quiet and uneventful...I hate this for my kids, being ignored breaks a mother's heart to pieces.

6 years ago-found out he was a serial cheaterReconciled-2015 Back again September 2022 as WH is a cheater again Heading to Divorce

posts: 1768   ·   registered: Jun. 10th, 2015   ·   location: Ohio
id 8761689
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 Crazytrain101 (original poster member #48200) posted at 6:21 PM on Saturday, October 22nd, 2022

EllieKMAS-I'm so sorry, I understand fully, living in these situations are a special hell. Things around my house have actually chilled and calmed now that the divorce is filed. WH knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that I want him out but will give me no reason to do so.

His business is slow and since his equipment is stored at the house he'd be screwed if he had to move.

Basically he's behaving for the short term.

6 years ago-found out he was a serial cheaterReconciled-2015 Back again September 2022 as WH is a cheater again Heading to Divorce

posts: 1768   ·   registered: Jun. 10th, 2015   ·   location: Ohio
id 8761691
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 Crazytrain101 (original poster member #48200) posted at 6:37 PM on Saturday, October 22nd, 2022

Barcher144, so sorry, it sounds like you got railroaded in your divorce. I'm not one to play dirty, I believe fully if you do the right thing and take the moral high road I'll hopefully be protected. So far that is holding very true.

WH has now been caught in a couple of lies about cash with my attorney and has been lying to his attorney which may end him up being unrepresented. So, so far things are landing the right way, WH looks like a liar and we haven't even started down the post-nuptial road.

I should say its all my attorneys doing, I have not spoken ONE word to WH in a month. I am keeping the lowest profile I can manage. I'm either out with the kids or upstairs if he's home. There is ZERO discussion on any matter and we're not even emailing at this point.

I will speak to my attorney about the emergency order of protection, I have all 4 restraining orders and orders of him and his XW but that was 17 years ago, so not sure how that is going to help.

WH has never hit me but yes, has done those sneaky things you can never pin him directly on over the years. As the detective said "can you prove it"---no, that's why he does them, he gets his revenge and also doesn't get caught or in trouble.

I think my attorneys "idea" is that IF I were to bring it all up now it may seem like I'm wanting leverage not protection. I would have done it years ago, but there was no way. I had nothing but my knowledge that he did all those things, could he have blamed it on the kids....literally untraceable.

6 years ago-found out he was a serial cheaterReconciled-2015 Back again September 2022 as WH is a cheater again Heading to Divorce

posts: 1768   ·   registered: Jun. 10th, 2015   ·   location: Ohio
id 8761693
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WhoTheBleep ( member #49504) posted at 9:11 PM on Saturday, October 22nd, 2022

I think my attorneys "idea" is that IF I were to bring it all up now it may seem like I'm wanting leverage not protection

I hate this about family court. I've been told this as well, that if I bring up too many bad things about STBX, that it will look like a tit for tat or that I am bitter. How the hell else is the judge supposed to know what abusive pieces of shit these STBX's are. Like unless you are actually going for an order of protection, you can't bring up abuse at all. My judge didn't even want to hear evidence that would destroy stbx's credibility. She shut it down every time. Tread lightly CT, and be guided by your attorney. Family court is nothing but a kangaroo court. I've been doing research since my hearing was ruled on, and it seems this is par for the course. Abuse in a marriage means very little if anything in divorce court. Infidelity, nothing at all.

I believe we have two lives: the one we learn with, and the one we live with after that. --The Natural

posts: 4421   ·   registered: Sep. 6th, 2015   ·   location: USA
id 8761710
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Twitchy ( member #25393) posted at 3:15 PM on Monday, October 24th, 2022

Have you considered getting Nanny Cams and hide them about the house? You might be able to record some of the intimidating actions that way.

BH(me)-49, FWW-43,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Li

posts: 757   ·   registered: Sep. 2nd, 2009   ·   location: Ontario - Canada
id 8761882
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barcher144 ( member #54935) posted at 6:18 PM on Monday, October 24th, 2022

Barcher144, so sorry, it sounds like you got railroaded in your divorce. I'm not one to play dirty, I believe fully if you do the right thing and take the moral high road I'll hopefully be protected. So far that is holding very true.

My divorce was completely crazy but that's in the past and that's irrelevant to your situation. And, I 100% agree that you should do the right thing and the moral high road and it'll turn out okay. That's very different, though, than living in a house with an angry, abusive man. You need to protect yourself!

My point is that people are saying that if you cannot PROVE domestic abuse then it's not worth bringing up with your attorney. Discuss it with your attorney.

I think my attorneys "idea" is that IF I were to bring it all up now it may seem like I'm wanting leverage not protection. I would have done it years ago, but there was no way. I had nothing but my knowledge that he did all those things, could he have blamed it on the kids....literally untraceable.

This seems bonkers to me. Because women abused by men don't hide it during a marriage? Because abusive men don't ratchet up their abuse during a divorce?

I should say its all my attorneys doing, I have not spoken ONE word to WH in a month. I am keeping the lowest profile I can manage. I'm either out with the kids or upstairs if he's home. There is ZERO discussion on any matter and we're not even emailing at this point.

This is a really good thing and I suggest that you do anything that you can do to keep things calm. Keep avoiding him if you can.

Me: BH, age 48Her: WS, age 45 (multiple EAs and PAs)D-Day: August 30, 2016

Diagnosed with depression in December 2016, which was primarily caused by my xWW's affair and associated emotional abuse.

posts: 5316   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2016
id 8761917
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 5:31 PM on Tuesday, November 1st, 2022

It's been several days. Please check in.

posts: 4854   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8763131
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 10:15 PM on Wednesday, November 2nd, 2022

Please?

posts: 4854   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8763319
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leafields ( member #63517) posted at 4:19 PM on Thursday, November 3rd, 2022

CT, you still with us?

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 1494   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8763417
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 1:23 PM on Saturday, November 5th, 2022

It's been 11 days..dear lady...please let us know you are ok.

posts: 4854   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8763779
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 9:11 PM on Tuesday, November 8th, 2022

crying

posts: 4854   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8764231
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BreakingBad ( member #75779) posted at 1:54 AM on Wednesday, November 9th, 2022

Very concerned for your well being.

Can you do a quick check in?

"Don't you love it, don't you love it?No, I ain't happy yet.But I'm way less sad."[Credit to group AJR]

Me=BW; fWH=online affairs with 3 APs over 2.5-3 yrsBoth in IC & MCMarried 31 yrs now2 kids-both in HSAttempting R

posts: 291   ·   registered: Oct. 31st, 2020
id 8764258
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 10:50 PM on Wednesday, November 9th, 2022

CT101 please come back!

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 953   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8764373
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