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Newest Member: Crushedafter46years

Divorce/Separation :
Preparing for battle in the strange calm in my house

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OwningItNow ( member #52288) posted at 9:42 AM on Monday, October 10th, 2022

I am afraid that your WH has indeed hired someone to kill you. And since he wants the D, he will proceed in this direction even if you back off. He is in the discard phase. This would explain his willingness to hide in the bedroom; he knows it's temporary.

The truck is blocking the fact that some or all of the cash is gone, probably paid to the hitman.

What about going into hiding at a DV shelter (in another town?) with the kids and proceeding with the divorce from a distance? You would have to give up your business for now, but once you are D you can restart. Under a different name. In a different place.

There will never be a day that you are safe from this man. His only motivation is control. He thinks he deserves it, and he'll take it any way he can get it. Even if he has to sit in prison forever (which he believes won't happen because he's so smart), then he will do it because he will not ever let you get one over on him.

You posted in Stay No Contact a week ago that he was trying to bait you. See, his silences will never last. He will always slip back to trying to control you, to playing the game. He is not a narcissist like you say; he is a sociopath. He enjoys hurting you. He enjoys watching you lose. He enjoys exerting his power. He will never allow you to leave his control. I read recently that the continued stalking and harassment after D stems from their belief that once they have you, you are theirs forever. They feel ownership, so they pursue the ultimate control when their victim tries to move on. It's the whole, "You can never leave me." Has he ever said that to you? He may pretend it's acceptable as part of the game, but it's not.

I cannot--in a million years (given what he has done so far in your 15 years)--imagine him allowing you to actually leave. Then you would win. Even if you are broke and leave with nothing, you would still win by getting away from his control. He will never allow that.

me: BS/WSh: WS/BS

Reject the rejector. Do not reject yourself.

posts: 5682   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2016   ·   location: Midwest
id 8758890
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OwningItNow ( member #52288) posted at 9:53 AM on Monday, October 10th, 2022

I could give you a million (literally) examples, but just two weeks ago a man decapitated his ex on the street in Cali in broad daylight. He had threatened her, and the whole family was aware he was dangerous. Did he actually think he'd get away with it? No. He obviously didn't care. "You can't leave me. I won't allow it."

Your stbx wouldn't do something so impulsive, but he would hire a hitman. Or poison you. Absolutely. Plausible Deniability is all he'd be going for. Would everyone know it was him? Absolutely. But he doesn't care. The need to control is that strong. He is a very sick man.

Just get away while you can.

me: BS/WSh: WS/BS

Reject the rejector. Do not reject yourself.

posts: 5682   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2016   ·   location: Midwest
id 8758892
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 Crazytrain101 (original poster member #48200) posted at 4:09 PM on Monday, October 10th, 2022

OwningItNow,

I can only surmise that WH had put someone up to luring me out to that house with that call. Stupid me,NOW knows how to get a number IF it's called from a private number. That would have been helpful, and could have been helpful with the police. I did call the police and tell them about the call and request to meet out at the house under shady terms, but per the usual they said it "could have been an actual person who wanted to see it".

I spent some time in the attic cleaning up and happened upon a box of WH's stuff, I found 3 orders of protection against him with his first wife, they were only married for less than a year. One said he threw her out of a moving car, then kept her hostage at their house. Their second order said he had hit her and threatened her with a firearm, the 3rd order said he had hit her & kept her hostage.

Very scary, he has never hit me BUT has done all those sneaky untracebel things--likley as WH knows he would lose his contractors license he had since got we we were married, no license=no work, or business.

I firmly believe he is a sociopath, as far as the DV safe house goes I'm not sure I can manage my life that way. my attorneys are working hard on a solution, hoping like I am he just slightly slips enough to get him thrown out of our primary. I am planning on putting a voice activated recorder in his room to possibly catch him in a plot of some sort.

WH goes through all of my phone calls and has for sure seen my 20 minute call to the DV center locally and will hopefully behave for now. I fully know that WH will seek to destroy me in every way, my imminent danger will arise in my opinion when the process gets going and the reality starts setting in that he's going to lose big time.

I will likely NOT ever be safe, I have mentally prepared to do what is necessary. My kids have only 3 years and 5 years until they are out of the house, my attorneys have said this will be a 2 plus year divorce so I will be really close to being able to pack up and move. I had really hoped I could just keep the peace and stay married until they were gone but that is not happening now. WH is unwilling to do that.

He absolutely has to be in control, thinks he's smarter than everyone. I just found a statement where WH took $50,000 out of one of his savings accounts, 5 days in a row $9500.00---even he has to be smart enough to know that it would be accounted for in the forensic accounting?!?!? That worries me, WH either KNOWS or he doesn't CARE. HE fully understands the IRS and cash is unusable for any future plans he has--that is very worrisome to me.

I will say he is actively pursuing my replacement, he's looking for his next wife as we speak, so he does have plans for his half of the money, and restarting his life as far as I have heard. WH has called mortgage companies to get a loan, reached out to a neighbor to help him find land, has even looked at a few places to build. That seems somewhat encouraging and the lengths he's going to make it seem like he's not planning anything dangerous.

Now when he sees what he's actually going to get out of the divorce monetarily and realizes he can't manage on that amount then I can see some imminent danger for me and the kids. I will plan on an exit strategy prior to that point. We are in for a very long process with the D.

I too have read the stories about a sociopaths unwillingness to let their spouses go, my WH seemingly planning a future with someone else, he may hate me for taking what he FEELS he had worked for but I think he cares less about me, he CARES about what I am taking from him money wise.

So I'll have to proceed carefully, I appreciate everyones concern and clarity, I know these things that happen to people who are killed also thought that "couldn't have happen to them" I am aware with what I'm dealing with and being careful.

[This message edited by Crazytrain101 at 4:16 PM, Monday, October 10th]

6 years ago-found out he was a serial cheaterReconciled-2015 Back again September 2022 as WH is a cheater again Heading to Divorce

posts: 1768   ·   registered: Jun. 10th, 2015   ·   location: Ohio
id 8758922
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 4:26 PM on Monday, October 10th, 2022

He learned from those orders of protection. He's now sneakier about it,so it's harder to nail him.

Do you believe us,when we tell you he's likely hired a hit man? Do you believe he wants you dead? That all the signs point to that?

You say you can't go to a DV shelter,because you "can't manage your life" like that.

*sitting down,next to you,taking your hand,and looking you in the eye*

YOU ARE NOT GOING TO HAVE A LIFE TO MANAGE IF YOU DONT GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM HIM NOW!!!!!!

Come on,CT. WAKE UP. Every day you are with him,you are in extreme danger. Your children are in danger. You have to leave. You don't have the right to keep those kids in danger.

If you know he is watching the phone bill,why are you making any calls on it that he shouldn't see,because they will trigger him? Drive yourself down to Walmart and buy a burner phone. Right now. Stop using your other phone for anything other than the basics. Use the burner phone for those phone calls,and all internet activity,just in case he has Spyware on your current phone.

This is not a game. You say you know that. Yet..you're still there.

Where is he sleeping? Does he do anything alone with the kids? Is there a shared pitcher of tea,or juice in the fridge? Meds that you take that he has access to? Does he have a key to your car? Where is your gun? Where is his gun?

Also..can you check in here every day? Even if it's just a hello? When you don't post for a day,I get very worried. I know I'm not the only one.

[This message edited by HellFire at 4:28 PM, Monday, October 10th]

posts: 4854   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8758923
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 4:31 PM on Monday, October 10th, 2022

WH took $50,000 out of one of his savings accounts, 5 days in a row $9500.00---even he has to be smart enough to know that it would be accounted for in the forensic accounting?!?!? That worries me, WH either KNOWS or he doesn't CARE.

He doesn't care,because no forensic accountant is going to discover it because he used that money to pay a hitman to kill you.

Read that. Read it 100 times.

posts: 4854   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8758926
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ArkLaMiss ( member #14918) posted at 6:38 PM on Monday, October 10th, 2022

CT, PLEASE take those papers you found straight to the police! Also, tell them about the money and that you think he's hired a hitman! DO IT TODAY!

My father is DEAD, killed by my sociopath mother because he didn't go to the police! We did, but as kids, they didn't take us seriously. We called them over and over in the days leading up to his death. I believe if he had gone in to file reports, he would possibly be alive today.

Can you have the police talk to his ex wife and get a statement as to how dangerous he is? Also, have your attorney get a statement from her too.

Just HOW stupid do you think I am, exactly?

posts: 1755   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2007
id 8758946
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ArkLaMiss ( member #14918) posted at 6:49 PM on Monday, October 10th, 2022

CT, I also want to tell you something else. My mother didn't just kill my father. When I was 5, she tried to burn our house down. With me in it. She locked me in the back bedroom, which had the gas water heater right there in a closet beside it. I actually crawled out the window and was playing in the yard when I heard the cleaning fluids combust, which scared me and I hid. She was frantically running around the yard screaming that I was still inside and put on quite the show. I ran down the street to the neighbor's house who happened to be a police officer.

To this day, I'm convinced she tried to kill me.

I say all this to warn you that he WILL hurt your kids to hurt YOU! HE WILL DO IT TO BRING YOU TO YOUR KNEES. Please know that he does NOT care about anyone that is in his way. Not even his children. Please believe me! A sociopath has no feelings for anyone other than themselves. None of you are safe.

Just HOW stupid do you think I am, exactly?

posts: 1755   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2007
id 8758950
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 8:05 PM on Monday, October 10th, 2022

Google Susan Smith (new York resident) who tried to hire a PI to kill her H. Bitter nasty D.

She lived two blocks from me. She was in one of those shows like Dateline or something.

She was on tape laughing about it. Arrested thanks to the PI who went to the police and ultimately taped her.

She was a regular person. Until she decided to hire someone to kill her husband.

Trust no one. Protect yourself. Your H is evil - more evil than you ever guessed. At least now you know about the first marriage and the truth behind the D.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12794   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8758958
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 Crazytrain101 (original poster member #48200) posted at 7:39 PM on Tuesday, October 11th, 2022

So sorry my mind is all over the place right now,

I guess I'm not rationalizing it all very well. I am just thinking that he took the money out to hide it in the divorce proceedings, he already has enough cash if he were trying to hire a hitman.

WH has LEARNED from the orders of protection very well, he's a sociopath but still not the brightest crayon in the box for sure. He is always motivated by revenge.

I'm working on moving hopefully, my attorneys are adamant that I do not leave with the kids because of the court proceedings, they think I don't have sufficient proof to get him out as well. They are concerned my leaving will hurt me down the road with custody, as I'm trying to fake some situation. I know, what is any of it good if any of us aren't alive. I understand it, although I know the risks.

I went to the police with the previous orders of protection with his ex-wife (18 years ago) the list of things he's done to me and the bank statement with the cash withdrawals and the situation with the call and the guy from the blocked number asking him to meet me at my house listing. I talked to a detective who seemed genuinely concerned but said with the divorce filed and no other proof besides the circumstantial things they could do nothing.

I have tried to reach out to the ex-wife but no luck yet. I think she wants to stay away from the drama for her own protection, I don't blame her.

My WH is very much in his narcissist discard phase. He just doesn't seem to care that much about anything, in the same turn he's way more calm then he's ever been. Not yelling at the kids & seems to be more watchful and mindful of his actions.

I have heard of these crime stories where people get killed, spouses kill kids for spite and to hurt a parent. I watch too much true crime and know this kind of thing happens. I personally don't think he cares in the least that it's over, I honestly think he's ready to move on too.

He spends zero time with the kids alone or even at all so that's good for them. I'm sorry about my incoherent thoughts here, I wanted to address everything that you have graciously posted and I am having a hard time really facing this reality, whatever it is. Thank you all for your thoughts, they are very much needed.

6 years ago-found out he was a serial cheaterReconciled-2015 Back again September 2022 as WH is a cheater again Heading to Divorce

posts: 1768   ·   registered: Jun. 10th, 2015   ·   location: Ohio
id 8759100
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 11:24 PM on Tuesday, October 11th, 2022

CT101, how about hiring a PI to follow your husband?

In your case, the PI would not be uncover cheating but to see if he’s meeting up with shady characters or doing anything else that’s suspicious, such as putting items into storage, making strange purchases, surveying empty lots, going into crappy neighborhoods, or engaging in any illegal activities.

I agree with you and others that he is in the psychpath/narcissist discard phase, which could be very dangerous given all he has to lose. At the very least, the info from the PI could help you stay one step ahead of him.

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 953   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8759129
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 Crazytrain101 (original poster member #48200) posted at 3:17 PM on Wednesday, October 12th, 2022

BluerthanBlue,
I have thought about that, WH spends all day traveling around with his business so it would be difficult to prove who is a client or the proverbial "shady character". I know for a fact he has a PO Box and a storage unit, likely where he's storing all the cash. I'm sure the credit card statements will provide that location.

We are short on decent PI's around here.

6 years ago-found out he was a serial cheaterReconciled-2015 Back again September 2022 as WH is a cheater again Heading to Divorce

posts: 1768   ·   registered: Jun. 10th, 2015   ·   location: Ohio
id 8759205
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 Crazytrain101 (original poster member #48200) posted at 4:09 PM on Thursday, October 13th, 2022

Just a quick check in, I have been really happy around the house (stopped the smoking I picked up after D-Day #2) and have been talking to an old friend (nothing other than friendship).

WH has been a little more mean, (they say a narcissist hates when their supply is happy)he has been complaining about the floor being swept(BY ME) of course, my house is spotless but I am in no way going out of my way for him to do his nothing as usal to contribute.

SO he swept up the floor and dumped it all over my vanity--stupid. I cleaned it up and said nothing.

Then as I was bringing in our big 10 gallon water bottles he was videoing me for no reason, laughing this diabolical laugh..WTF.

I ingnored him and yawned a few times, things have been very quiet so I think my happiness is throwing him for a loop.

6 years ago-found out he was a serial cheaterReconciled-2015 Back again September 2022 as WH is a cheater again Heading to Divorce

posts: 1768   ·   registered: Jun. 10th, 2015   ·   location: Ohio
id 8759377
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 5:41 PM on Thursday, October 13th, 2022

He's such a fucking dick.

Congrats on keeping your cool. And not smoking!

posts: 4854   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8759390
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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 8:49 PM on Thursday, October 13th, 2022

Did you video him dumping the dirt on your vanity, or the end result of it, before you picked it up?
Stop poking the bear. You know what you are doing, stop.
Just play it cool. You are going to end up hurt, injured or dead.

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 22 & 25
Married for 30 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 19608   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8759406
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 Crazytrain101 (original poster member #48200) posted at 10:15 PM on Friday, October 14th, 2022

HellFire,
He is a royal DICK, I'm not sure what hopes to gain from all of his stupidity. Yes, I picked up smoking from a few weeks since this last day BUT I refuse to damage myself in anyway for the incredible future I'm going to have WITHOUT him.

6 years ago-found out he was a serial cheaterReconciled-2015 Back again September 2022 as WH is a cheater again Heading to Divorce

posts: 1768   ·   registered: Jun. 10th, 2015   ·   location: Ohio
id 8759642
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 Crazytrain101 (original poster member #48200) posted at 10:18 PM on Friday, October 14th, 2022

Tushnurse,
I don't have a camera in the bathroom so no luck on getting that on video. and YOU are 100%right, I am not behaving as I should be, by keeping a low profile and being a gray rock. I absolutely should know better, thank you for the call out. I needed it.

6 years ago-found out he was a serial cheaterReconciled-2015 Back again September 2022 as WH is a cheater again Heading to Divorce

posts: 1768   ·   registered: Jun. 10th, 2015   ·   location: Ohio
id 8759645
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 Crazytrain101 (original poster member #48200) posted at 10:33 PM on Friday, October 14th, 2022

ArkLaMiss,
I can't even imagine your Dad had any idea about what was going to happen with your Mom, same goes for me. I can't rationalize the unrational behavior until it becomes too late. I'm sure no one can ever believe something like that could or would've happened until it does.

I am so sorry, it was one awful thing for your Mom to kill your Dad but to hurt you possibly is something unconceivable.

I know the reality of my situation, very all consuming emotionally. I spend a lot of time in prayer just asking for his protection, not much else I can arm myself these days.

6 years ago-found out he was a serial cheaterReconciled-2015 Back again September 2022 as WH is a cheater again Heading to Divorce

posts: 1768   ·   registered: Jun. 10th, 2015   ·   location: Ohio
id 8759647
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ArkLaMiss ( member #14918) posted at 8:09 AM on Sunday, October 16th, 2022

CT, after everything I have gone through, one thing I can tell you is this--none of these victims thought their spouse would kill them. They are so conditioned by their abusers that they just don't realize the true danger until it's too late.

I truly think he's already planning to kill you AND your kids. You absolutely MUST get out. Please reach out to a women's shelter to find an advocate to help you leave. Please!Also talk to your attorney about leaving.

I also need to tell you that I feel driven by your guardian angels to let you know it's urgent that you leave in order to save your lives. (I've never felt this way before nor am I extremely religious, btw.)

Please update us on how you're doing.

Just HOW stupid do you think I am, exactly?

posts: 1755   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2007
id 8759824
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ArkLaMiss ( member #14918) posted at 8:09 AM on Sunday, October 16th, 2022

Oops duplicate post

[This message edited by ArkLaMiss at 2:11 AM, October 16th (Sunday)]

Just HOW stupid do you think I am, exactly?

posts: 1755   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2007
id 8759825
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ArkLaMiss ( member #14918) posted at 8:09 AM on Sunday, October 16th, 2022

Oops duplicate post.

[This message edited by ArkLaMiss at 2:13 AM, October 16th (Sunday)]

Just HOW stupid do you think I am, exactly?

posts: 1755   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2007
id 8759826
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