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Newest Member: Crushedafter46years

Divorce/Separation :
Preparing for battle in the strange calm in my house

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leafields ( member #63517) posted at 4:19 AM on Friday, November 11th, 2022

CrazyTrain, please check in. We don't want to use you as an example of what not do.

Is there any way a Mod can check on her?

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 1494   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8764591
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 Crazytrain101 (original poster member #48200) posted at 2:36 PM on Sunday, November 13th, 2022

Hi everyone, huge apologies I'm so sorry for not getting on here to check in.

Not sure where to begin,the past few weeks have been tough but I'm okay lots of attorney dealings.

I'll make a short list of the happenings:

Got a key to my house which I never had in 15 years ;) took lots of attorneys help.
STBX has been leaving every weekend and staying gone--basically ditching his kids--that turned into every week night.
Police called several times for a variety of things, STBX took out 90% of the light bulbs.
Screwed the electrical box shut.
STBX barricaded the detached garage--cops called since I was trying to get in it..on my property.
STBX wouldn't allow me access to the thermostats in the house, freezing weather so I had to replace the smart thermostats.
Basically attorneys and cops on speed dial.

STBX got an apartment, came when I was out of town with my daughter, took a bunch of stuff and cleaned my son's room out and had him call me and say he was living with STBX. STBX does nothing for the kid and has ditching him and been none involved for a month!

So that's where I'm at, I have the house alone but can't change the locks.

STBX won't email me and parenting time plans or any communication for the kids, my daughter is here.

STBX had been telling the kids he is moving out of state and has been still knee deep with the OW even with the post-nuptial clearly in play.

I need advise on what to do about my son, he's clearly been manipulated and is acting like he hates me shocked I have been a rock for him as his Dad has literally for over a month ignored him and devastated him. I'm blown away but not shocked STBX is a narc and horrible parent.

I'll call my attorney Monday, can he even just take my son like that? He needs to agree to a parenting plan until the divorce is over for sure.

I have pretty much decided to give him 50/50 custody, I'm not going to fight him if my kids are 14 & 15, they can decipher STBX by now and it will force him to be a parent. Seems pretty pointless in my county 50/50 joint is the standard.

Any insight on parenting plans prior to a divorce?

AGAIN I am so sorry for being absent and causing worry, its been a really rough few weeks.

6 years ago-found out he was a serial cheaterReconciled-2015 Back again September 2022 as WH is a cheater again Heading to Divorce

posts: 1768   ·   registered: Jun. 10th, 2015   ·   location: Ohio
id 8764990
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leafields ( member #63517) posted at 3:21 PM on Sunday, November 13th, 2022

Leaping lizards, CT! What a nightmare. I'm glad you're STBXWH is out of the house but it's scary to know that he could wall in whenever.

My kids are adults, so I don't know the details on parenting plans. I'm pretty sure he can't take them out of state without permission. It's kidnapping, if I'm remembering newspaper articles correctly.

With the now documented stunts your STBXWH has pulled, do you think he'd get 50/50? He is so malignant. STBXWH probably is manipulating your son merely to harm you.

Good to hear from you. I was worried I'd unknowingly find out what happened to you in a future episode of Buried in the Backyard.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 1494   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8764992
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 8:39 PM on Sunday, November 13th, 2022

Different states have different guidelines regarding custody.

50/50 is always the ideal unless it’s not the best fit for the situation.

Can he just take your child? No. But you know the days you have your din there will be hell to pay for you b/c of the STBXH’s manipulative shenanigans.

Your attorney will give you the best advice. But based on his recent behavior, you may look to the courts to be the more stable parent.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12794   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8765027
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barcher144 ( member #54935) posted at 3:50 PM on Monday, November 14th, 2022

Got a key to my house which I never had in 15 years ;) took lots of attorneys help.
STBX has been leaving every weekend and staying gone--basically ditching his kids--that turned into every week night.
Police called several times for a variety of things, STBX took out 90% of the light bulbs.
Screwed the electrical box shut.
STBX barricaded the detached garage--cops called since I was trying to get in it..on my property.
STBX wouldn't allow me access to the thermostats in the house, freezing weather so I had to replace the smart thermostats.
Basically attorneys and cops on speed dial.

I really think that you should go to the judge and ask that STBX be kicked out of the marital home and ask for a temporary parenting schedule. This crap is absolutely insane and judges do not normally tolerate this type of shenanigans. I know that you want to take the "high road" but there is a difference between "taking the high road" and "letting him ruin your life."

STBX had been telling the kids he is moving out of state and has been still knee deep with the OW even with the post-nuptial clearly in play.

I need advise on what to do about my son, he's clearly been manipulated and is acting like he hates me shocked I have been a rock for him as his Dad has literally for over a month ignored him and devastated him. I'm blown away but not shocked STBX is a narc and horrible parent

I strongly urge you to stop thinking about all of his awful behavior during your marriage (i.e., your reference to the post-nuptial). He's a bad dude and that's why you are divorcing him. You are doing the right thing. You don't have anything to second-guess here as far as your decision to get divorced. The reason why I am recommending that you change your mindset is that I am assuming that you live in a no-fault state where what happened during the marriage has no affect on your divorce. However, if you suggest that you want to punish him for what happened during the marriage, then that would not look good in front of a judge.

STBX had been telling the kids he is moving out of state and has been still knee deep with the OW even with the post-nuptial clearly in play.

I'll call my attorney Monday, can he even just take my son like that? He needs to agree to a parenting plan until the divorce is over for sure.

I have pretty much decided to give him 50/50 custody, I'm not going to fight him if my kids are 14 & 15, they can decipher STBX by now and it will force him to be a parent. Seems pretty pointless in my county 50/50 joint is the standard.

I agree with letting your kids decide what they want for a custody plan. They're old enough that the court will listen to their opinion and that 50-50 seems to be standard. Trust me, a custody battle will hurt your children... so there is a HUGE non-monetary cost to a custody battle. That said, I would recommend that you change your language... do not "give him 50/50" but rather "I'll do what the children think is best."

Along those lines, moving out of state will be a huge sticking point with the court. Courts are usually reluctant to uproot a child from their entire lives because one parent wants to move elsewhere. I had a friend who was awarded 30% custody until his ex moved out of state (1000+ miles away), at which point the judge basically reversed that decision because it's not a good idea to move a child away from their entire life (friends, schools, etc).

So... my advice for your son. You should get something of a temporary parenting plan so that there is pressure on STBX to make sure that your son comes to your home for your parenting time.

You should talk to your lawyer for sure, but all of this screams to me that you need to go to the judge and kick STBX out of your house and establish a temporary parenting schedule. I vaguely recall that your lawyer was reluctant to do this because it would be interpreted as a heavy-handed negotiating tactic. But, by asking for only 50% custody (or whatever the kids want), you are basically showing that this would not be a negotiating tactic but something legitimate to protect yourself from getting locked out of your own home.

Me: BH, age 48Her: WS, age 45 (multiple EAs and PAs)D-Day: August 30, 2016

Diagnosed with depression in December 2016, which was primarily caused by my xWW's affair and associated emotional abuse.

posts: 5316   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2016
id 8765105
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 5:44 PM on Monday, November 14th, 2022

Thank God you're ok.

He can't just keep your son from you.

Have your attorney file immediately, for exclusive use of the home. All of the police reports should help you there.

Your son doesn't hate you. His father is doing what is legally called alienation of affection. The judges don't like that either.

posts: 4854   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8765131
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HFSSC ( member #33338) posted at 9:40 PM on Monday, November 14th, 2022

I have absolutely nothing to offer about your situation. But I wanted to share this. Before I found SI I was on another forum. Someone used the term STBX and another member was like, “What does STBX mean? Shitbox?”

Ever since then when I see “STBX” I read it as Shitbox and your Shitbox deserves that title as much as anyone I’ve ever heard of.

Me, 54
Him, 45 (JMSSC)
Married 24 years. Reconciled.

posts: 4813   ·   registered: Sep. 12th, 2011   ·   location: South Carolina
id 8765155
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 11:23 PM on Monday, November 14th, 2022

Your son is literally your STBX’s hostage. That’s the approach you need to take going forward and you need to make that clear to your attorney going forward.

Please make a point to check in with us regularly, say the 5th of every month at least. We’re really worried about you.

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 953   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8765164
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 Crazytrain101 (original poster member #48200) posted at 10:05 PM on Wednesday, November 16th, 2022

Thank you ALL! I need advice so much right now.

STBX is out of the house but has keys as it's legally still his house.

STBX took my son, took all of his stuff while I was out of town at a cheer competition. Not a word on if he was taking him.

My son "claims" he wants to go with STBX, STBX has been setting the stage of manipulation by ditching my kids every weekend and week night, not showing any interest in either of them. My son has been 200% heartbroken, I told him I would love him unconditionally forever and my son knows his fathers love is absolutely conditional on his ability to choose my STBX.

So of course he chose his father, I do know he is being by my narc STBX manipulated to the hilt.My son is almost 14 and I know if I demand him to come back he would do so very combative so I HAVE to let him have enough time to clear his mind. I have loved my son incredibly and only hope he can realize it.

My attorney filed for exclusive possession of the house an I am changing locks tomorrow. My attorney has filed a parenting plan and pre-divorce custody plan with a court date of the first of December with a week one an off 50/50 plan.

My daughter will start her week November 26th and back December 3rd with my son returning then as well. I am hoping by then he will be ready and my STBX will be encouraging him to go since this is cutting into his social life with the ladies.

I also found a recording device in the house which I got rid of--so I am hoping for some peace and privacy moving forward in this mess.

6 years ago-found out he was a serial cheaterReconciled-2015 Back again September 2022 as WH is a cheater again Heading to Divorce

posts: 1768   ·   registered: Jun. 10th, 2015   ·   location: Ohio
id 8765469
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 12:12 AM on Thursday, November 17th, 2022

I’m glad that your attorney is filing for exclusive use of the house and that you’re changing the locks.

Please do a full sweep of your house and look for any recording devices that might still be there. Leave no stoned unturned. Go through your drawers, under your bed, behind the book shelf.

Avoid having any conversations with your attorney or talking about the specifics of your divorce strategy while you’re in home in the meantime, just in case.

You should also check your car for any recording devices and check the tires, underneath the car, every day to make sure it hasn’t been tampered with.

If you don’t have an alarm system installed yet and cameras around your house, please get them.

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 953   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8765489
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