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I Can Relate :
BS Questions for WS - Part 15

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Howcthappen ( member #80775) posted at 6:33 AM on Sunday, October 1st, 2023

Question-

When did you realize the AP was really only a fantasy and that you created in their perfectness in your mind? When did you realize your AP was actually faking who they were just like you?

I ask because I could tell that she was only pretending to be this kind and agreeable person who was generous and selfless. My husband initially said she made him feel like the only person in the world and like he was the most important thing ever. Only he mattered to her.

He made her sound like an agreeable martyr. Then slowly I’d uncover In congruencies and he’d look
Dumbfounded. He did say there were signs that she wasn’t as she presented but he just ignored them.

I did a background check and discovered she had a few shoplifting/ retail theft arrests, an assault charge, and appeared to have charged purses with her credit card to then sell it online. It’s such a weird feeling to think he’d fall for this type of woman in middle age.

He feels stupid.

[This message edited by Howcthappen at 1:25 PM, Sunday, October 1st]

Three years since DdayNever gonna be the sameReconcilingThe sting is still present

posts: 215   ·   registered: Aug. 30th, 2022   ·   location: DC
id 8810098
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ff4152 ( member #55404) posted at 1:54 PM on Sunday, October 1st, 2023

HowctHappen

For me, the full reality of who she was came roughly 3 months after I ended the A.

Prior to this there were little signs that I conveniently ignored. One of the biggest was how she relentlessly trashed her exH.

I had been NC after the breakup and was feeling a little bit better about things. I wasn’t mourning my "loss" anymore so I decided to look at her FB page. Imagine my surprise when I saw her on a beach in Puerto Rico with her new soulmate. Plenty of heart emojis and I love yous were sprinkled about. Turns out she was see him the same time we were still together.

I remember feeling as if the wind got knocked out of me. This was the person I almost threw everything away for. I can remember the exact moment even 7 years later.

[This message edited by ff4152 at 2:32 PM, Monday, October 2nd]

Me -FWS

posts: 2102   ·   registered: Sep. 30th, 2016
id 8810114
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Bulcy ( member #74034) posted at 3:05 PM on Tuesday, October 3rd, 2023

Howcthappen,

I think the reality of APs not being nice people and not worthy of the pedestal I had them on, has only recently started really hitting home. I certainly started off defending them or telling BS their good points!! It is possible I was doing this to make me feel better and to somehow convince BS I was not the complete asshole she thought I was.

These women and the "friends" who facilitated in my wayward activity, I now see as the people they are. I'm trying not to use this to exonerate myself from my choices, but I do need to accept their part in things and the fact that they are not good safe people.

I see too, that these people were using me as much as I was using them. My ego let me think I was one step ahead of everyone. That I was better, more intelligent and well liked by them. The reality is much different. It is a tough reality to accept as a wayward. Pulling down my defences and accepting that I am the man who has done all this to my BS, given the years of self inflated ego, is hard. I needed to be told these people were awful, but was not in a place to receive this information.

WH (50's)

Multiple sexual, emotional and online affairs. Financial infidelity and emotional abuse. Physical abuse and intimidation.

D-days 2003, 2017, multiple d-days and TT through 2018 to 2023. 28 years of destructive and health damaging choice

posts: 366   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2020   ·   location: UK
id 8810367
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Stillconfused2022 ( member #82457) posted at 12:37 AM on Wednesday, October 4th, 2023

How would you recommend a BS respond to spending time with a FIL who was actively against helping the WS get out of the A. Made excuses, suggested maybe this is good for you, your spouse was never a good fit, etc?


How nice is the BS supposed to be to that person. If the WS is going to spend time with them should they say something?

posts: 363   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2022   ·   location: Northeast
id 8810462
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cedarwoods ( member #82760) posted at 2:38 AM on Wednesday, October 4th, 2023

What has your BS done during the reconciliation process that made it "easier/better" for you? I know many WS feel much shame, guilt, remorse and it’s on them to work out their issues. However, are there things BS did that made your shame, guilt, etc intensify? Are there things BS did that made you want to be a better person, faithful spouse, etc.? What can BS do to help the reconciliation have a better probability of success?

posts: 211   ·   registered: Jan. 20th, 2023   ·   location: USA
id 8810474
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ff4152 ( member #55404) posted at 11:02 AM on Wednesday, October 4th, 2023

StillConfused

jmo but you shouldn’t have to be nice to your FIL You owe him nothing ESPECIALLY if he was supporting the A. He is an enemy to your marriage.

Simply put, fuck him.

Again JMO, I would never lay eyes on the man again. Unless it was at his wake.

Ruck him.

[This message edited by ff4152 at 3:39 PM, Wednesday, October 4th]

Me -FWS

posts: 2102   ·   registered: Sep. 30th, 2016
id 8810496
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Bulcy ( member #74034) posted at 2:37 PM on Wednesday, October 4th, 2023

Stillconfused2022,

I'm living this now. My Father has been awful to my BS over the years and especially since I told him about the infidelity.

I'm speaking with him this weekend to try and explain my feelings and upset over this. My BS is supporting me in this, but has no intention of ever meeting him again. She is firmly in the "Fuck him" camp as ff4152 suggested.

WH (50's)

Multiple sexual, emotional and online affairs. Financial infidelity and emotional abuse. Physical abuse and intimidation.

D-days 2003, 2017, multiple d-days and TT through 2018 to 2023. 28 years of destructive and health damaging choice

posts: 366   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2020   ·   location: UK
id 8810507
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Howcthappen ( member #80775) posted at 11:28 PM on Thursday, October 5th, 2023

Before Dday,
Did you ever plan a night out with your BS and take her to a place you planned your AP would be?

I often wonder to WS’s and APs get off on having the unknowing BS in the same space or picking up from what the BS thought was a work dinner but it was a AP dinner?

Three years since DdayNever gonna be the sameReconcilingThe sting is still present

posts: 215   ·   registered: Aug. 30th, 2022   ·   location: DC
id 8810652
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hikingout ( member #59504) posted at 12:22 PM on Saturday, October 7th, 2023

What has your BS done during the reconciliation process that made it "easier/better" for you? I know many WS feel much shame, guilt, remorse and it’s on them to work out their issues. However, are there things BS did that made your shame, guilt, etc intensify? Are there things BS did that made you want to be a better person, faithful spouse, etc.? What can BS do to help the reconciliation have a better probability of success?

This is going to seem opposite of what you might think but the answer is to let me sink or swim. Coddling me because I feel badly is a way of him not respecting himself. If you don’t respect yourself you will not garner respect.

Truth is the best thing you can do to get to R is insist they work on themselves, provide you with an environment to heal, and work on yourself and your healing.

It’s true when they say you have to let go of the outcome. You have to be willing to lose the marriage to save it. It’s only them can you get to higher ground. By not trying to control the outcome you are providing space for things to evolve differently. The ws has to step up and get past their own shame and decide this is not who they want to be, and often the source of change this dramatic is discomfort, not comfort.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think you need to play a role of a Hard ass. Pretending is going to fall apart. What you must muster is actual self respect coming from a place of you can’t control him, you can only control yourself. And strive to be the version of yourself that knows she is worth more than what he has been giving you.

7 years of hard work - WS and BS - Reconciled

posts: 7074   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2017   ·   location: Arizona
id 8810907
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lrpprl ( member #80538) posted at 5:43 PM on Wednesday, October 11th, 2023

I have some questions that have probably been asked numerous times, but here goes anyway, since I haven't seen these questions asked.

During the time of your affair did you look at your betrayed spouse with love?

Or, did you view them with indifference?

Or, did they appear insignificant, such as a non-person, or even a non-entity?

Or, did you view them even with hate?

posts: 278   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2022   ·   location: USA
id 8811242
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lostandconfused90 ( member #83985) posted at 5:44 PM on Wednesday, October 11th, 2023

Thank you to all the WS for answering so many questions, I’m not sure if this one has already been asked but,

Did you convince yourself you weren’t in love with your BW/BH any more and that’s why you cheated? Mine said the classic " I love you but, not like that anymore" and he left me but, not for the AP. Now 3 months after DDAY he is saying he hasn’t loved me for 6 months. Yet, never once made it known he was unhappy and I just think if that was the case and you were that miserable why wouldn’t you just leave instead of having an A and ruining my life? He was still saying " I love you" up until 1 week exactly before he left me.

I have a theory but, I’m not sure if I’m just running away with myself to make me feel better about it. But his affair started in may lasting for 2 months EA sexting turned physical 2 days after we split (allegedly) however, I’ve seen messages from his other coworkers dating back to march commenting on them being close and flirty… so, my feeling is (march was 6 months ago) that’s when he started crossing boundaries most probably telling himself it was harmless and then from there is where it began to lead to an A. And I feel like of course you’re not going to feel love for me when you’re putting all of your efforts into someone else. Am I crazy?

Thanks in advance.

posts: 54   ·   registered: Oct. 10th, 2023   ·   location: London
id 8811243
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Howcthappen ( member #80775) posted at 7:01 PM on Thursday, October 12th, 2023

Well no one touched my question with a 10 foot pole I suppose because it’s counterproductive.

Can you help me then with this-

I have bad days sometimes it will be 4 years in February 2024.

I still get triggered and I’m very angry and say mean things.

My husband sometimes looks clueless when I am newly suspicious of him and says things like- "you think I’d do that now ? Still?"

I know he gets that he did things once but he feels like such a different and better person and that he’s using the skills he’s learned in therapy to show me a different and better him, however I still go back to the 18 month effed up him.

I’m having a hard time of accepting the new him.

Did your BS have a hard time seeing and trusting your changes?

How did you cope? How did it make you feel.?

I see the changes but I still know what he’s capable of.

Three years since DdayNever gonna be the sameReconcilingThe sting is still present

posts: 215   ·   registered: Aug. 30th, 2022   ·   location: DC
id 8811357
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ff4152 ( member #55404) posted at 9:06 PM on Thursday, October 12th, 2023

lrpprl

During the time of your affair did you look at your betrayed spouse with love?

Or, did you view them with indifference?

Or, did they appear insignificant, such as a non-person, or even a non-entity?

Or, did you view them even with hate?

I would have to say that I was mostly indifferent to my wife and marriage although that probably started even before my A. I still cared for my wife by I certainly wasn't very loving. Over the years I have figured out that I had checked out of the marriage for the most part and didn't put my effort into the emotional aspects of the relationship.

Me -FWS

posts: 2102   ·   registered: Sep. 30th, 2016
id 8811370
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DyingLately ( new member #70785) posted at 9:26 PM on Thursday, October 12th, 2023

Thanks to all WS here answering questions.

My question is simple, now my WS says "It was horrible". I don't believe it at all.
If it was that horrible, why come back over and over?
(for non-ONS')

I keep saying "it was not horrible, it was actually very good".

Probably a variation was already asked before, but is hard to search (at least I don't know how).

Why at the time people go back, but then after X amount of time, now all of the sudden is "horrible"?, contradicting the actions.

Thanks again.

Dday Apr 8th, 2019
18 years of MBH(46)WW(47)

posts: 5   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2019
id 8811375
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lrpprl ( member #80538) posted at 11:25 PM on Thursday, October 12th, 2023

ff4152:

I would have to say that I was mostly indifferent to my wife and marriage although that probably started even before my A. I still cared for my wife by I certainly wasn't very loving. Over the years I have figured out that I had checked out of the marriage for the most part and didn't put my effort into the emotional aspects of the relationship.


Thank you for your response.

I would think that your response might be the same for a large number of waywards, though I have no way of knowing.

For those who felt love towards their partners but still cheated on them, I would think that might apply to those who had one night stands where alcohol might be involved. But again, I have no way of knowing.

I doubt we would see those who had hate toward these partners on this website. My opinion is that they just split and moved on.

Again, thank you for responding.

posts: 278   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2022   ·   location: USA
id 8811390
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hikingout ( member #59504) posted at 3:48 AM on Friday, October 13th, 2023

My question is simple, now my WS says "It was horrible". I don't believe it at all.
If it was that horrible, why come back over and over?

I am not sure about your ws or how they mean that.

However, for me, I think if there is a lack of evolution in the way they view that period of their life then they have not done any reflection at all.

I am not exactly sure if what your ws is saying is proof of evolution or lack of accountability without further info.

For me, looking back on who I was and the things I did was absolutely horrible. But what kept me going back was that it quickly reached a point I was invested. I had so badly mismanaged my life and had been so unhappy (completely my fault- we are responsible for our own happiness) that the attention was irresistible. It was a big escape from that unhappiness.

What is hard to understand unless you have done it is that has nothing to do with the AP. The BS cannot be blamed for the unhappiness, and the AP can not be blamed for the happiness. It’s more that you are playing this role of someone who has this great life where you pretend to be this better version of yourself. The AP is the audience who knows very little about you and really is a shitty person too willing to say or so anything to validate you because they are seeking the same.

To abandon that would be to go back to the abyss of unhappiness and feelings of lack. The paradox is that it actually just makes your life worse in every way. That lack of self worth and self love is even further away due to also now being a shitty cheater.

So was I on a high?m at the time? Absolutely. But it was all a made up story in my mind that I used to escape. Affairs are dark places to be and once there has been time out of one you realize how terrible and foolish you have been.

I do not like anything about it. It certainly was not worth blowing up my marriage, traumatizing my husband, and putting me in an even bleaker place than when it started. I don’t look at any of it fondly.

So I would say it was horrible in hindsight. Honestly, if I didn’t feel that way what would be an indicator that I know how deeply wrong it was? That it would be something I would avoid by all costs in the future.

7 years of hard work - WS and BS - Reconciled

posts: 7074   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2017   ·   location: Arizona
id 8811422
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fhtshop ( new member #83337) posted at 11:38 PM on Friday, October 13th, 2023

What are the chances that my WW thinks of AP when she pleasures herself? Long story short my WW and I have a collection of adult toys we use for foreplay that are kept in a draw by the bed I leave early for work before she gets up in the morning and about 6 months ago, I started wondering if she used them while I am not around so I positioned them so that if they were moved and not put back exactly the same I would know well it turns out that she does use them not a lot probably 3 times a month I don't want to embarrass her by telling her I know and suffer the anger from her by my sneaking around and even if I could ask her she would never admit that she has him in mind. I have know problem with her pleasuring herself when I am not around and I confess I masturbate like everyone else but would be upset if she was masturbating to the images of AP. So a simple question to WS if you do this on your own do you think of AP when doing it? and BS do you think WW’s do?

Side note WW affair was over 20 years ago.

[This message edited by fhtshop at 7:14 PM, Saturday, October 14th]

posts: 34   ·   registered: May. 12th, 2023   ·   location: New Zealand
id 8811610
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ff4152 ( member #55404) posted at 8:06 PM on Saturday, October 14th, 2023

lostandconfused90

I didn’t really try and convince myself as to how I felt about my wife. It was actually the other way around. I recited a few of the excuses that you read about on SI. Mainly, she didn’t love me anymore and probably wouldn’t care if I D or had an A. I was mostly ambivalent about my marriage and my feelings towards my wife. I didn’t hate her and never tried to convince myself that I did.

Me -FWS

posts: 2102   ·   registered: Sep. 30th, 2016
id 8811700
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DobleTraicion ( member #78414) posted at 11:04 PM on Saturday, October 14th, 2023

Hi All, I started a thread in General entitled, "The Lies We Tell Ourselves" and have had some really good input, primarily by Betrayeds both about themselves and commenting on their/our perception of our Wayward's self deception.

Id like to hear some feedback from Waywards on this subject as well. Here was my opening paragraph:

Been ruminating on this for a while. The lies WS's and BS's tell themselves before, during and after a betrayal that either help facilitate an affair and/or prolong the destruction and pain thereof.

Id appreciate your input/feddback.

"You'd figure that in modern times, people wouldn't feel the need to get married if they didn't agree with the agenda"

~ lascarx

posts: 296   ·   registered: Mar. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: South
id 8811717
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lostandconfused90 ( member #83985) posted at 9:08 AM on Sunday, October 15th, 2023

FF4152,

Thanks for your response.

He’s not said once that he hates me or that I’ve done anything wrong nothing like that. I was just trying to make sense of it and why you’d have an A instead of just leaving if you didn’t love me for 6 months, that’s a long period of time. Just feel like it’s a justification for cheating and being a coward. But, guess I’m just trying to make it hurt less.

posts: 54   ·   registered: Oct. 10th, 2023   ·   location: London
id 8811737
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