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lostandconfused90

I’m a complete mess!

My XWP left me back in July after 12 years together and after he had an 2 month EA with a COW and then went and slept with her 2 days after he left me - nice! … and since then it’s been a complete shit show. I wanted to R he didn’t/doesn’t. He just kept saying he loves me but, not like that anymore. But, he can never look at me when he says this.

We are still living together atm as we need to sell the house and get some bathroom works done as well before we can do so. We are in separate rooms as well.

So much has happened. I was off work most of the year with mental health issues (stress & anxiety - which was actually depression I’d been hiding for 15 months) so much led up to this that I just couldn’t tell anyone at the time. I’d had a miscarriage and not said a word to anyone not even a doctor and no one knew I was even pregnant in the first place (I wasn’t in my right mind at the time obviously so I can’t really explain why I didn’t speak out) he now knows everything and he has been helping me with getting help etc as I had attempted S a couple of times when I was in a really dark place - I’m not in that mindset anymore thankfully. Obviously the depression doesn’t just disappear but, I am doing much better.

However, it’s been a rollercoaster few months. A lot of ups and downs. He refuses to do any self reflection about why he did this, he thinks it’s because he doesn’t love me anymore but, I’m trying to explain to him that’s a justification it’s not the reason. It’s like banging my head against a brick wall. I don’t understand people that can just emotionally detach from people so easily, it literally boggles my brain. This is a MH situation as well as I last year had an inappropriate encounter with a COW but, it wasn’t an affair or even a kiss - I was a bit cuddly with him and there was groping and flashing but, it was short lived 30-60 mins at most.. it was in our home though whilst he was asleep upstairs - he knows everything about it now too. He didn’t say an awful lot about it so I assumed he didn’t care.

I did try the 180 but, I’ve been terrible at it. There’s so much more to this story but I fear the post would be pages long!

Anyway yesterday I said to him I’m arranging for someone to come to value the house and if you are able to I’ll accept you buying me out now (I’d previously said no to this) he said have you had enough then? I said obviously yes I have. I said to him if we sold this place tomorrow and it was the last ever time you’d speak to me or see me do you think you’ve said everything you wanted to or needed to say and he said yes laugh he said I have plenty to say to you but, not about what I’ve done or us…. Yikes. I said you’ve not even said anything about how you feel about everything. He then got aggy and listed some things off, anyway I asked him to move out for a couple of weeks because I’ve already done my share of leaving and tbh it’s him that’s dropped a bomb on us, why am I leaving? He said he would think about it.. then stayed upstairs all night because he said he felt uncomfortable because I’d asked him to leave laugh

Anyway, he eventually came down and then I started to feel like I was dissociating so he was trying to help me but, I ended up calling him a narcissist and he stormed off. I’ve posted on social media about him and his AP tagged his work in it he’s gone mad (the site deleted it anyway so it’s no longer on there) he started packing a bag and telling me it’s none of my business where he is going (he went to his brothers he told me in the end) I stood in front of him and said look me in my eyes and tell me that you don’t love me at all and he wouldn’t do it. He said I’ve got a cheek after what I did in there and there and pointed to the kitchen and our garage which is where what I did took place. I was a bit stumped by this as he’s not said much about it before.

I know I am not helping the situation when I kick off like this but, sometimes I just find it so hard to keep my emotions in check. Also didn’t help that I’d had a few drinks as well.

I’m not really sure what I’m asking here, just venting I suppose.

I have posted about the whole situation in the wayward side as well but, happy to answer any questions or thoughts anyone has.

37 comments posted: Saturday, November 4th, 2023

Emotionally detached

My xWP is so emotionally detached it literally boggles my brain (I too am a WP but, I have addressed or started to address my why’s and done a lot of self reflection)

We are currently not together but, still living together until we can sell.

Anyway, we were having a conversation last night where I’ve said to him over the 12 years we had been together I was very emotionally vulnerable with him, I had a difficult childhood and he knows everything. However, he’s NEVER been emotionally vulnerable with me. He said he doesn’t believe that’s true, I’ve said it is. His father passed suddenly quite young and my WP was only 21 himself at the time… he’s spoken to me about his fathers passing once only in 12 years.

Other than that, he’s never told me how he truly feels about anything at all. I’ve only just come to this realisation. Anyway, he said last night that he hasn’t had a moment to himself the last couple of months to actually be able to sit and think about what he has done and everything that’s happened, I’ve suggested to him this has been done possibly on purpose subconsciously. Since he just throws himself into work and that’s all he will focus on (he is a workaholic) I know it’s been a really hard couple of months, me finding out he had been having an A, trying to R which turned out to be a false R from him, him saying he doesn’t love me anymore and hasn’t for 6 months but, only just realised it? I’ve been suffering with depression for 16 months which I kept to myself, I had a miscarriage last year which I also kept to myself, the depression took a really dark turn and there were several S attempts from me, he stonewalls and refuses to talk honestly about what’s happened and why he’s done it. I get frustrated because, after 12 years I think I deserve to know the full truth.

Anyway, he said he isn’t an outward thinker (no shit) I’ve said clearly neither am I otherwise I wouldn’t have suffered on my own for so long but, I’m trying my best to change this and be open and honest myself. But, he is saying he doesn’t really think about any of it at all… I said what, you don’t have one single thought rolling around in your brain? He said no… what the hell? I’m sorry I think that is really quite sad, that he clearly cannot connect to his own thoughts and emotions and can obviously detach himself from everything and anything so easily, I’m sure that’s not very healthy? An ingrained coping mechanism perhaps? He seems to just compartmentalise everything. I even had to explain to him the difference between guilt and remorse like, he genuinely was asking what the difference was. I said to me guilt is more of a selfish standpoint, how you feel about your actions but, remorse is showing empathy towards the other persons thoughts and feelings and actually understanding what your actions have caused to them. (Maybe I am wrong but, that’s how I view it anyway)

Then, it was almost as if he was trying to blame me for him not being able to talk and be honest as he’s worried about my reaction. As if I’m not allowed to be upset or angry about what he says and does. I understand there have been times I’ve let my emotions get the better of me and it has ended up in an awful argument. But, I’m trying to tell him it ends up that way for me because of frustration, sometimes I feel like he only admits things when it gets heated. But even then, I don’t get much from him. Nothing works, heated discussions, calm discussions, vulnerable discussions… he just isn’t capable of looking inward at all. I think it’s pretty clear I am trying my absolute best to keep my emotions in check, he knows this. We’ve not had a bad word for the last 2 weeks.

I guess what I’m getting at is, is this a common theme for WS to just completely detach yourself from anything and everything? And I guess is there anything I can do to help him? He refuses to go to therapy almost as if he feels he doesn’t need to change anything and he is fine.

He says nothing affects him because he doesn’t think about it and if that’s unhealthy then ok.

I am worried about his mental state. He said he would tell me if he felt depressed but, he’s not even sure what that feels like. He hinted at the fact he isn’t feeling suicidal it can’t be depression and I’ve said to him, you don’t have to feel that way to be depressed it can be different for everyone.

Fact of the matter is he is so closed off with everyone. He rarely tells anyone he loves them, not even his mother. Everyone knows him as quiet and closed off, doesn’t speak about anything to do with emotions and feelings ever. Even his AP said to me "you know what he is like, he’s a closed book" … wow.

12 comments posted: Sunday, October 29th, 2023

Is 3 months too long to wait?

This is a MH situation but it’s only just been revealed as such recently so what had happened before was…

So my WP left me at the end of July after I found out he had been having an EA with a COW. I found out by checking his messages at the beginning of July and decided to try to reconcile.

At the time of me finding the messages he was sobbing his heart out I’ve never seen him like that, saying he loved me and he would be distraught if we split up.

He blocked and deleted her and said he spoke to her at work and said they were no longer friends and he was staying with me. We started doing more things together and even had sex and I thought we would be ok.

However, a couple of weeks later he said he needed time to think about why he did it etc. not once did he try to have any conversations with me just just stayed silent for weeks. Until I eventually forced him to talk to me. He said the physical side had gone for him and it was too far gone to come back? We had been having some issues surround sex because he never seemed to want it all that much and he would just tell me that he didn’t get the urge. However, it’s not that we didn’t have sex at all. A week after we split he said ILYBINILWY. But he had still been telling me that he loved me up until a few days before he left me.

I then found out 4 weeks later he had gone and slept with the AP 2 days after we split… 3 times. When I found out he said it was finished and he regretted it but, still said he didn’t love me anymore.

Now he’s saying he hasn’t loved me for 6 months but he’s only just realised it? I don’t understand this as before I found out about the A he didn’t say he wasn’t happy at all and he didn’t treat me any differently either. I guess I was hoping this was the fog speaking and he would change his mind but, I don’t think he is going to is he? I just don’t understand how you can say you love me and then all of a sudden you haven’t for months?

Anyway, back in the beginning of July I did confess to him I had an inappropriate interaction with a COW too, but I had only told him that he had tried to kiss me, I’d said no and that I was a little cuddly and flirty with him, however last week I admitted there was some groping on both sides as well and some flashing. Obviously he isn’t happy about it but, he’s not really asked me any questions about it except on the night I told him. Now he’s just saying he is overwhelmed and doesn’t know what to think or what to feel.

Do I just give up on him coming back to me? He won’t do any self reflection/introspection at all he just stonewalls and avoids any convos about us or his A. I guess I just don’t want to believe that he doesn’t love me anymore, I want to believe it’s because he’s still in his fog because he still works with her in the same department so he has to see her everyday. My COW I had the madness with doesn’t work there anymore and had already left when we had the inappropriate interaction. Mine was one night for half an hour before I came to my senses, his was 2-3 months and a full blown A I’m not saying I am any better but, I have done a lot of self reflection and I’ve shared this with him.. yet to get any feedback about what he thinks about it though.

I guess what I’m asking is did any other way wards truly believe they didn’t love their partner or spouse anymore and then after a while realise they were wrong? Or am I clinging to too much hope here?

17 comments posted: Tuesday, October 24th, 2023

Why do they avoid hard conversations so much

My story is on my page so, I’ll try to keep this brief.

Why do WP trickle truth so much? Do they honestly think that not talking is the best route to go down after they commit the ultimate betrayal? They think it will only hurt you more?

I’m trying to explain to my xWP that it’s not even what you did that’s hurting me the most, it’s the constant lying and trickle truths and the way he’s behaved after that’s hurting me more.

I have given him 12 years of my life and I think I deserve to know everything that’s happened or going on. It’s not 5 minutes of my life! I’ve never let him down or betrayed him ever and never would.

I know that sometimes where I am so frustrated I do not communicate in the best way and I can tend to lose my temper not in an aggressive way but, total despair I suppose and this causes him to shut down even further and not talk.

His EA started in may (so he says) and lasted 2 months before I found out. And then it turned physical 2 days after he left me (apparently) He’s admitted to me on Sunday that he hasn’t loved me for 6 months. But never said a word or acted any differently to me. I know this is a justification for why he cheated but, not the real reason. He’s said he knows there’s something broken in him but, he seems to refuse to investigate it, out of fear or cowardice I do not know?

I don’t know if this was an exit affair or not. He definitely wasn’t trying to get caught and he’s not with her either. When I found out he was crying his eyes out saying he would be absolutely distraught if we split up yet, he easily left me after I said I’d forgive him and he doesn’t seem distraught at all. And he was still telling me that he loved me up until about a week before he left me. He didn’t say he didn’t love me anymore when we split he said it was the physical side for him was gone and too far gone to come back… a week after the split is when he said I do love you but, not like that anymore. So he didn’t say he didn’t love me until AFTER he had slept with her… what the hell is that all about? He was normal and warm with me one minute and then at a drop of a hat he was cold and distant towards me, like he never loved me at all. I don’t understand it really. He is very avoidant of conflict and talking about what he’s done in general. Finding it so frustrating.. we still live together as we own the place together. I’m sure there’s more details I could add but, my brain is scrambled at the moment.

25 comments posted: Thursday, October 12th, 2023

Why do they avoid hard conversations so much (moved to General)

  This Topic has been moved to General

0 comment posted: Thursday, October 12th, 2023

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