It was awful. I did what I set out to do, mostly, and he did a combination of literally everything you guys said he might do.
I said my opening line - "I'd like you to tell me about your other life, with your other partners."
He started with absolute denial. He had no idea what I was talking about, he was "confused" and he was "concerned for me" (for me!!) and asked what he could do to help ME resolve MY confusion.
I felt absolute rage. But I kept silent and just looked at him and waited. His face was holding on to this exaggerated look of "confusion and concern" but then his jaw started wobbling and he had to clench it and that's it, I knew it was all true. He asked was this a rumor I'd heard, and I just repeated that he needs to tell me about the life he's been hiding.
I can't remember anything really in order after that, but it involved a lot of absolute and unilateral denial, a COMPLETELY ridiculous "I might have had a flirtation once while traveling, and I'm very sorry about that, it was so disrespectful to you and our marriage, how can I help you heal from this casual flirtation?" and then at some point he tried to make me the bad guy and himself the victim "Why are you accusing me, what's wrong with YOU that you're saying these things to me? Why would you do this?" and just sooooo much "What do you think you know? What are you talking about? What are you misinterpreting? I can't tell you what I don't know. I can't confess to something I haven't done and don't even know about. If you just tell me what's concerning you I can address it, but if I don't know what you're worried about I can't help you."
He leaned on me really hard to figure out what I knew, probably so he could only admit to that one part. He was relentless, it was like he was bullying me! He was snide and scathing at times "I can't read your mind, so I can't tell you anything since I don't know what you're even asking me!" He went SO LOW by referring to things he knows bother me, insecurities, things from my past, things about me that only he knows, "is that why you're feeling insecure??" He also asked if it was "hormones" and if I could be going through "early menopause".
I thought it would be impossible to be an emotionless grey rock but actually I think I disassociated from myself and from him, I felt like I was watching a bug stuck in a jar and bouncing off the glass as it tried to escape. He would literally talk for like 20 minutes just like that, just telling me how ridiculous I was being and coming up with preposterous reasons I might be thinking there was something else happening in his life. I let him rant but there was no information in it.
Finally I had enough and said - H, I know, I know about your other women, your lifestyle, your other life. The trips. The massages (this was the sex workers). Everything else. I need you to talk to me about these things now.
And then as soon as he understood that I do know a lot, not just one thing he could admit to but like A LOT of stuff - he stonewalled. He clenched his jaw, looked at the floor, said "It sounds like your mind is already made up that all of this happened so there's nothing for me to say."
I said he could start with telling me how much money over the years he's spent on sex workers. No response.
He could tell me if he was ever STD tested. (I know he was, I saw his appointments and OW saw his results, but didn't tell him this). No response.
He could tell me more about the women he wasn't paying, the ones he considered girlfriends. No response.
I used the question one of you suggested "What did you think was going to happen?" And to this he said something like well he didn't think his wife was going to accuse him of all of these 'random' things.
Then at some point we both just sat there quietly for a while, but he had tears dripping out of his eyes really fast and onto his pants and then I broke down and cried on my own side of the couch and that went on a while. He didn't make a single move to comfort me.
I tried the police interrogation technique that's like 'I think you really do want to share this with me, I feel like you're ready to, after carrying these secrets so long' but he just shook his head, looked down, tears.
At some point I told him that I would be willing to not hear any details of what he did if he could just tell me WHY he did this, what he got from it. No denial, but no answer.
He finally asked me if my sister and BIL were "in on this" and I said I did tell my sister because I needed her help watching our son. I said I've also spoken with attorneys and he was SHOCKED. Like he looked up from his lap like I'd just smacked him, I could actually SEE the blood drain out of his face! He asked if I was serious and I was like YES, why would we be sitting here with our clothes soaked with tears and snot asking these painful question if I was not serious?
This is when things went off plan for me because I lost it when he asked if I was serious, I told him he fucked sex workers while I was pregnant, he put me and our child in danger, he has an entire second life outside our marriage, what did he THINK would happen when I found out. Of course I called a fucking lawyer!
And then he said something like look, let's sleep on this and then talk about it again tomorrow, I need to get my thoughts in order, etc etc.
I told him this was his chance to come clean. About anything. I need him to tell me at least ONE thing about his other life. He circled back to the "flirtation" he'd had years ago on a work trip and I was just disgusted. I told him to cut the bullshit, I have seen proof and the only hope for him is to be honest. This is his window of opportunity. Instead my words just sent him straight back to "what proof? you aren't even telling me what you think you've seen! How do I know how to respond if you're not giving me specifics?"
So I think it was a mistake to mention the existence of proof, because he just got fixated on it.
One thing that almost worked was when I was asking him how he intended to repay the money that he'd used to hire sex workers. I said "that was my money, too, and I didn't consent to paying for you to have sex with others" and this was the only thing I said that he was having a very intense reaction to that was almost going to result in him saying something. He really wanted to respond to that, I could see the words almost coming out and then he just sucked them back in.
He then "offered" to sleep in the apartment and I told him that he was moving in there, not just sleeping.
He went to the apartment but then I texted him to come back so I could ask him more questions, and he came back and we repeated a lot of the useless dialog but he was just not sharing anything. It was awful.
After that, he went back to the apartment and I texted him a bunch of questions along the lines of "Who are you?? Please tell me who I'm married to" and he eventually wrote back "I may need your help more than ever" - and that was it for the night. I imagine this means he will now be telling me he is a victim of something.
I can't fucking believe he would end that awful, soul sucking night with "I may need your help"!!! He couldn't even answer a single one of my questions but wants my help!!
I took off work today, H texted and asked if he could use his home office for work and I said no, come get your work stuff and take it to the apartment, I closed myself in our room and heard him get his things. He texted a few things but they're all unbelievably stupid. I texted my former therapist if she could do an online appointment and she is fitting me in after her last client at 5pm.
I'm heartbroken and enraged. I gave him an open door to tell me anything and he told me nothing. He now knows that I know, but I have no answers.