SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm completely numb.

H and I met at 22, married at 25 and we're now both 42. One child, 9. It kills me to say I thought we had a strong marriage because probably everyone says that. But we were literally asked to counsel young people getting married to talk to them about the realities and responsibilities of marriage and relationship building within the first years, and we were asked because H's religious community sees us as such a strong example of a solid marriage. My sister and I are very close and she married a difficult man and because of his lack of maturity and responsibility their marriage and finances have always been shaky, she is always telling me how much she envies my marriage because H is so responsible and solid. So I know I'm not crazy, or blind, or stupid to have thought we were doing really, especially well together??

I got a facebook message from a weird account. I don't check facebook often and so the message request was there for over a month before I read it, which just kills me. It allegedly came from a 'family friend' and wanted to let me know my H was seen pulling up to our local airport arrivals area, embracing and kissing a woman, putting her suitcase into his car and driving off with her. They described the custom bike rack on his car and the two distinctive bumper stickers on the rack. They also gave a date, which was six months before.

I kept racking my brain trying to think of who would write this to me? Why would they make this up? And it had to be someone we knew, or they wouldn't have the details of H's bike rack and bumper stickers and the date they gave was the date H took off for a solo bike trip. I thought even if someone is making up this kind of story to make H look bad, then there is something happening in the background of his life I don't know about.

I don't know why I didn't ask him about it. In any other circumstance I would have just read the message to him and asked what he thought was happening, but for some reason I just didn't.

Instead I checked his phone when he was in the shower. I checked his texts, calls, photos, recent deleted photos, skimmed his email inbox, skimmed his sent messages and looked as his app list. Nothing weird.

Later as I was thinking about it I realized I should have checked his firefox and safari history, and so the next time I got access to his phone I checked them and I found in his hundreds of open firefox tabs: websites for women's lingerie with things saved in the shopping cart, several websites for escorts who offer massage, a tab for a local STD clinic, a sex toy website with things saved in the cart, and many many Etsy shops that have custom sex toys, lingerie and other sexual things.

Escorts and STD clinics. I kept thinking there is NO WAY. None. None.

And then in his personal calendar I found entries for things that were a single letter. "A" at 3pm Thursday, or "L" at 2pm Tuesday, that kind of thing. I wrote them all down with the dates. One of the appointments marked "T" appeared twice, 6 months apart. On one of the appointments there was an attached address for an STD clinic.

I wrote a message back to the facebook account that had written to me thanking them for the information and asking them to share anything more they were comfortable sharing with me. And then the reality of my husband, my marriage, the father of my child just materialized in front of me.

I can't even contain this in my mind, it's just so unbelievably sick.

It turns out that the facebook message was from a woman who had been involved with my H, had ended her relationship with him so she said, and apparently wanted to let me know about his secret life. She gave me enough info that I know at least part of it is true. The dates she said she was with him match the dates of his solo trips, work trips and even a trip to see his mother in 2020 during which he 'quarantined' for 5 days before their visit.

She said they met online in a chat group and "dated" for two years. They communicated through a messaging app I knew my H had, but he used I thought for group chats with friends and coworkers. She says they video chatted while H was working from home, I was at work and our child at school. She accurately described our bedroom, our bedspread and H's home office.

They were together on H's work trips and bike trips. They had sex, NO protection! She said she asked to see his STD test results before they met up and that he did show them to her. He told her he was in a "happy marriage" but he was "not monogamous in his heart" and could love more than one woman at a time. He has shared pictures of our child. He told her he was in love with her.

She says that in the online group where they met he said he has had at least two other longer term "girlfriends" over the years, and was able to name at least one place he told the chat group we'd lived when he was with these women -the place we lived when our child was born!! He told the group he commonly sees escorts for massage and more, sometimes as much as twice a month!! And this woman was apparently fine with all of this!

She will not tell me her full name, where she lives or whether she's married. According to the dates she gave me she must have been with him for every single trip he's been on since 2020 so I suspect she's single. Even trips to see his mother, our family and friends, he would travel several days early to "quarantine so he wouldn't endanger anyone" - and I completely supported him in this, renting an AirBnB in the area to keep everyone safe - but really it was a love nest for the two of them.

So now what I know is that my H has apparently never been faithful. He's had a series of long term OW, including while I was pregnant and a new mother. He's seen escorts. He shops for anal toys and lingerie for other women. He's active in online groups for people who cheat. He apparently sees himself as not monogamous though he has never even broached this subject with me, not once. He considers our marriage "happy" while he holds all of the information, has ultimate freedom, shares all of his real thoughts and feelings with random cheating mistresses - while I am left in ignorant cloud cuckoo fantasy land like I'm nothing.

This woman says she recently ended things with him, but I don't know if this is even true. But it fits with some very odd behavior I noticed a couple of weeks ago when H was uncharacteristically stressed and anxious and I had this fear then that he was going to tell me he lost his job, or was under investigation at work. It was that kind of vibe, very hidden and sad and anxious. H told me he was frustrated with his mother, which really tracked at the time as she's a difficult woman and he does get anxious when she lays into him. And so I comforted him and coddled him and even asked if he felt like getting away just the two of us for a weekend. And it wasn't his mother at all, he was just dumped and I, his wife, was comforting him for it!!!

I'm so numb at this point I don't even know what to do with this information.

H does not know anything is wrong. In fact he seems exactly as he always had. He DOES NOT SHOW that he's lying. I am in absolute shock over this. I've always thought of him as a bad liar. He's steady, he's responsible, he's actually a detail freak and a planner. The kind of lies I've ever known him to tell are things like pretending to love something someone has cooked when it's terrible, and he looks exactly like someone uncomfortably lying about liking a terrible dish. He looks insincere when he lies, or so I thought.

Lingerie, escorts, anal toys, std testing clinics, vacations with another woman. And that's just what I can verify so far.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how much verification to get before confronting him.

I don't know what I want, I'm so numb right now I'm not even crying, I just have a ringing in my ears and my chest feels like ice. I haven't told my sister yet. I know she'll tell me to hire a lawyer and divorce him immediately and I can't even put my mind there yet. I've already been carrying this with me for weeks and the shock still hasn't worn off.

What do I do?? Do I keep talking to this revolting woman over facebook? Do I ask for more proof? I've already looked at all I know how to access on his phone and we share our ipad with our son, H has a work laptop but it's heavily restricted in use and would be illegal for me to even open, so I won't, but he's constantly monitored on it so I don't think he could conduct anything nefarious on it. I don't even know what to look for at this point. And then I think do I even need more information? I am so adrift inside my own mind and body right now. If any of this is true my H who I've known for 20 years is a total stranger to me.

This is horrific.

Consult a lawyer.

Secure your evidence off site and off line.

Take your next steps slowly.

Others will be along soon with better, more detailed advice.

Sigyn,

I am so sorry you had to find us, but you are among folks who understand here.

#1 Accept no blame. This has NOTHING to do with you and how amazing you are. This is 100% a HUGE character flaw in him and he is 100% responsible.

#2: Take care of you. Get STD tested (Full panel - tell your doc, they’ve heard it all), eat healthy food, drink lots of water, avoid alcohol, get sleep and exercise. If sleep is an issue, or anxiety, speak to your doctor. Taking care of yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually will help you handle all this.

3#: See a lawyer (without telling your WH). This is not to file for D, but to educate yourself on what D might look like. Knowledge is power, and this will help you stand strong with less fear as you move forward, whether you R or D. See a couple. It is very empowering and important.

#4: Get support. If you are not comfortable confiding in family at this point, look for a therapist (IC) that specializes in trauma. THIS IS A TRAUMA. And that will give you a safe confidential space to work through what you want.

#5: Look closely at your finances. He’s been using your family money to fund his cheating extra curriculars. There may be more. He may have secret credit cards, bank accounts eat. (Lawyer may be able to help you here).

Now as for do you need more proof. No, this is not a court of law. The level you need - and you have a lot, unfortunately- is up to you.
Do not give up your sources. Keep copies of your evidence someplace secure (even hard copies at your sister’s). The AP (affair partner) shared a lot with you - do you really need more? She described your bedspread… . She has shared enough- your gut is telling you that she is telling the truth. There is nothing more she can add, really.

You don’t have to decide anything today. Take your time to recover slightly from the shock. If you confront, understand that he will most likely lie and gaslight and downplay and minimize and either get angry or shed tons of crocodile tears. Don’t listen to his words — watch his actions.

(And my story has so many similarities— cheaters really do all work from the same playbook.)

You will get through this. You really will. You are stronger than you know.

Welcome to the best club you never wanted to join.
Your H's level of duplicity is unforgivable. Putting your health, safety, and that of your child at risk. Over and over and over.

1. Get an attorney, see a few, and find one that will take him to the cleaners if it all possible.
2. See your Dr, get full STD testing, ask for a referral for a trauma specialist therapist. Get a physical and if you are struggling with sleep/eating/functioning as about medications to help you through this trauma. This is most likely the worst thing you have dealt with in your life, and it's normal to be overwhelmed, and unsure what to do. Getting yourself some help to understand what you want and need is strongly encouraged.
3. Get your evidence together, and put make sure you have multiples, in safe places that he can't access, your work office, your sisters house, a saftey deposit box etc.

NONE of this is your fault. Many of us question and tell ourselves if only I had been/done XYZ it wouldn't have happened. That's a big ugly lie that messes with our brains. He chose this obviously a long time ago, and thinks it's fine to do since he keeps doing it.

Stop having sex with him as well while you are figuring out what you want and need. Tell him you have a UTI, or girl issues.

Check out the healing library, and keep reading and posting here. While each story is unique when it comes to infidelity, the actions of the cheater are incredibly similar. We offer support, and guidance so that you can come out of this stronger, braver, and whole.

<<<H U G>>>

Sigyn,

This is horrible. I am so very sorry for what you are going through right now. We have all been there to some degree. It is absolutely devastating.

You sound like you are still in shock which is normal but oh so uncomfortable! The chemicals rushing into your body right now are flooding you and it's hell on earth to be there.

First things first, take care of you. Get sleep or help from your MD if you're struggling. Drink plenty of fluids. Get STD testing yourself.

You're in the discovery phase and along with the shock, anxiety and pain you are feeling right now, your brain is going to obsess about what you don't know. This too is natural. I mean my god what you know already has made swiss cheese out of your marriage memories. The brain wants to know it all to put your story back together with the truth.

You could confront with what you have and see how that goes. Typically, cheaters will cop to only what you have proven and absolutely no more. Even that is hard to get as cheaters will lie with direct evidence in front of them ("that woman is crazy no such thing ever happened!"

You could gather more evidence. But refer back to my comments on your brain. It will / could spend months and months trying to piece everything together. When will you know enough is enough given your brain's panic?

Or you could go for shock and awe. See an attorney. Know your rights and sketch out a possible settlement based on the attorney's advice. Take half of the money in joint accounts and move it to one that belongs only to you. Cancel joint credit cards. Then sit him down and tell him you know about his double life and you'd like him to leave. Make him leave.

This last option, to me, is the quickest way out of infidelity and spares you hours and hours and hours of listening to his lies or verifying his words or sleeping next to a stranger. You know enough and you aren't going to take it.

If he chooses to try and make things right then that's on him and you can call the shots from a safe distance. The shots being "no more lies and full disclosure of who he is." HE can fight for the marriage. You should not.

You can always stop a divorce if by some miracle he remakes himself into the man you thought he was. But a firm no tolerance policy from the get go will spare you pain, trust me, it will spare you pain in the long run. Don't let him think lying is a winning strategy. Make him lose right now.

First thank you for responding everyone and sorry if things are discombobulated. I know this sounds weak but I don't want to see a lawyer yet. I know it can just be for information gathering, but I'm not even completely understanding the scope of what's happening and who my H really is yet, I don't even know what to say or ask. And I have to tell my sister first, but telling her feels like it will make it all true.

Two things come to mind based on your replies though. One is STD testing for me, I don't know why I didn't already do this, I've been so disgusted by the idea that he's not using protection. And the other is the money, especially for escorts. I wouldn't notice if he spent extra money while traveling, but escorts cost money and presumably take cash. We don't use cash much so it should be obvious if he took cash out twice a month. I wrote down the escorts in the tabs he had open online but no idea if they are ones he's used or ones he was searching. I looked them up and only one lists a price on her page, 'starting at $500' so I should definitely be able to see if he's taken that much cash out.

I don't know why I want more information, I have just been so blind and he's MADE me that way, he's put blinders on me and controlled my access to information about my own husband, my marriage, my body and my life. I can't stand not knowing what kind of life I've been living and who I've been married to. It's so sick. He just texted asking if I could pick up Thai takeout on my way home and it's like I am a chess piece moved here and there on his board. He can source lingerie and escorts but not Thai takeout. It's just food for our family, not as important as anal beads.

I do not know if this is a good suggestion. I just sat and replayed your post in my head a few times.

I think I would tell H that I am having female issues, kinda indicate symptoms of std without indicating I think that is what it is. I suspect (could be wrong) he would panic and make an appointment secretly at the std clinic to make sure he gets cleaned up so not to get caught. I would think him doing this secretly would tell you and it would catch him out. IDK.

[This message edited by JustNonna at 9:01 PM, Thursday, August 18th]

Sigyn, sending you sympathies, understanding and support. You may be numb now but you will be overwhelmed soon. Everything Old Wise Fool said, get your ducks in a row, keep your cards close to your vest and try not to panic. Be cool, and don't tell him anything until you have talked to a lawyer and confided in someone who loves you for support. Make up a cover story about what's bothering you so he doesn't suspect.

If you talk to any of us whose husbands lived a secret life with another or many other women, you will learn that almost all wayward spouses will lie, minimize, deflect, gaslight, rugsweep and that will only add to your stress, confusion and pain. There is no way your WS will have your physical and mental health and safety as his main concern once the shock of discovery hits. Be prepared for anything, but most importantly this - you already know all you need to know. Let the FB person go, make copies, journal the facts and put them somewhere safe. Do not show your hand. I believed stories and excuses that make me sick to my stomach now, and only in hindsight can I see the obvious that my shock and broken heart wouldn't let me see. Protect yourself.

You have lots of time to unravel the past, but your priority right now has to be you, your safety and buttoning down your position. Don't tell him what you know or how you know, when you need to confront him, make it short and sweet and irrefutable. I know you are living a lie, you are a danger to me and my family and you need to leave now until I figure out what I intend to do. Please know that he will tell you anything to save himself at confrontation and you may even doubt what you already know, because it makes no sense. It never does, especially to those of us in the perfect marriage that everyone envies club who learn their spouses live a very different life and are excellent compartmentalizers, liars and terrible mates. Do not doubt yourself, you have done nothing wrong, but you have been wronged. Know that at your core. Try to eat, sleep and stay hydrated.

If I could hug you I would. This site is your best resource and likely a lifeline. Use it. Take care of yourself and put some emotional and physical distance between you and your spouse as soon as you are able so you can get your bearings again. It will take time. Please take care.

You were replying while I was replying. It's ok to not see a lawyer until you are ready. Yes, you should reach out to your sister for support. Telling someone for the first time is hard, and it does make it real, but it is. You need someone who loves you to help ground you as you go through this terrible emotional trauma.

My H relied on std testing too. They only test routinely for a few things, and sadly, there are many, so small comfort there. Listen to your body. I never had a UTI in my life until my WH's cheating lifestyle started up. I had so many issues I explained away. Get tested. Your doctor may have recommendations for sleep aids or something to help you with the stress and anxiety too.

The need to know. I get it. I had to know everything. I'll tell you a good thing to know, how much money he spent on others and not the family, and how much time he gave others and not the family. Mine minimized and deflected and on and on. The receipts, phone bills and email trail told the story. I dug and found all the info I ever got, because he could admit nothing at first and later decided I didn't get to know. There is lots of time to obsess over the details, and you will likely make horrible little discoveries or piece together another part of the puzzle over a random thought for years. You don't want to know how much of my life I've spent poring over calendars, receipts, photos, emails, app downloads, credit card statements and on and on. I'd like to have some of those days back, and yet, I still look at things years downstream. You're not going to find answers to the big questions, just more data points to plot on the cheating husband graph.

Again, I'm so sorry you find yourself here. And in case no one has mentioned it yet, we all come from the perspective of our own experience, and offer advice based on what we have lived. Each of us is different, although so many of our stories are almost the same. Take the advice you need and don't let an opinion that hurts sting for too long. The harshest comments I got early on here were the ones I needed to hear the most in hindsight. None of us in this club ever thought our WH's would lie to our face and take their secret behavior underground when confronted, only more carefully since they were being watched, but it happens. A lot. I did not see that coming, which is why I'm asking you to protect yourself. Hoping for the best for you in the worst of situations.

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this horrific trauma of finding out about these blatant betrayals. It is understandable that you are in shock! You have been lied to and cheated on and disrespected for many years. How does your husband not notice a change in your demeanor?

They only test routinely for a few things, and sadly, there are many, so small comfort there. Listen to your body. I never had a UTI in my life until my WH's cheating lifestyle started up.

Omg in 2020 I started getting a rash on my ribcage and stomach. It started during a weekend away with H that coincided with his return from one of his 'solo' trips. We blamed it on the throw pillows in our rental house, assuming they were made of wool which I'm allergic to. But then when we got home the rash persisted, and has popped up every few weeks since that trip. I don't think it's a communicable disease but I do think it was my body reacting to something my consciousness wasn't ready to acknowledge yet. It just started up again recently and is now the worst that it's ever been, it has to be some kind of subliminal stress reaction.

My gynecologist has a 4 month waiting list so I have an appointment for STD testing tomorrow at a clinic (NOT the one my H used!!) and asked them for the comprehensive urine and blood tests. I'm going to use my insurance. I don't think my H will know right away, he doesn't monitor our insurance as far as I know. I've also taken the day off work tomorrow and asked my sister to take a day off as well if she can. I'll be at her house and I'll tell her. I'm dreading it but I need her so much.

Thank you all so much for this triage, I know what everyone is saying is probably true that this ends in more lies from him and perhaps ultimately divorce, and that at the moment I have the ability to control the way that goes. I have never felt less up to anything in my life.

That's a terrible situation, so sorry you are here.

Check to see if you live in an area where at fault divorce is part of the law and includes infidelity. Many states it does not matter and it is not considered. If it does matter in your state then gathering concrete proof could be helpful if you D. That is a reason to see a lawyer sooner rather than later as it could change your strategy for gathering evidence.

I’m so sorry you find yourself here. I’ll echo much of what was said for emphasis.
You will want to see a lawyer at some point just to know what things look like, but it’s ok to wait a bit first. I went a few days after DDay and it was a waste of time. My mind wasn’t able to really focus on things. A month later and it was much better.
Self care. You need to eat even if you don’t want to, sleep as best you can, and take care of yourself.
Exercise. Even if you are just walking around the neighborhood it’s helpful. Better yet go to a park and walk some trails.
I also found journaling to be very helpful myself.
There are a good amount of books available as resources too. I found myself trying to consume every bit of information I could.
I recommend "Leave A Cheater, Gain A Life" and "Cheating in a Nutshell" for starters.
Come back and post here. Ask questions. Tell your story. Vent. It’s all good, and it all helps.

(((((Sigyn)))). It's good you are going to tell your sister. Once you do you will get a sense of relief. You cannot carry this alone.

I agree with all the great advice you've been given. I can't stress enough how important it is to pay attention to your finances. If I had done that I would have known much sooner and been far better off. Even if you don't want to see a lawyer right now, you can still find valuable information on line regarding laws in your state. When you have a fear or question that pops into your mind, write it down. Later when you are calmer you can google it and get a starting point. It will save you valuable time and money when and if you do decide to speak to an lawyer. You won't be starting from zero.

Your story makes me sick. It is unfathomable.

Make sure that you do not put him on your patient privacy paperwork. Even if he did call if he's not on the forms they can't tell him anything.

I would also encourage you to go to your normal providers and ask to update your HIPAA forms. Time to start protecting yourself.

I am so sorry for you. Not to repeat all the great advice you have received so far, but here’s something not previously mentioned.

Your H is a serial cheater. Some non-emotional affairs and some emotionally connected affairs.

Here are a few things I think you need to be aware of after you confront your husband.

1. typically the cheater denies an affair. It doesn’t matter what kind of evidence or proof you have, they will turn it around and try to convince you that the evidence is invalid or you are misinterpreting something. Typical cheater behavior by the way.

2. your husband may try to love bomb you into trying to minimize his serial cheating. By that I mean he will try to do everything he can to get himself out of the doghouse. He may say he’s sorry but that might only be because he got caught, not because he is truly remorseful for lying and cheating.

3. Your husband may try to get you to sweep this under the rug. He may answer a few questions for a brief period of time but then use the tactic of "we don’t need to discuss this we just need to MoveOn" type of mentality. Obviously you know that is not acceptable and will not provide a way to allow you to heal from this trauma. Again, typical cheater behavior.

4. Serial cheaters, like your husband, have some serious issues. The cheating has become more than just a lifestyle for them, but more like an addiction. He may make promises to stop and it may stop temporarily but if he is not committed to making changes, he will be back to cheating in a very short amount of time. It may be harder to catch him because he will learn from his past mistakes, but you will know it is happening. Most likely your gut will tell you he’s back to cheating again.

So sorry for you. We all understand the devastation of finding out your spouse is cheating. Please know you have our support and that you will survive this.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 12:06 AM, Friday, August 19th]

Hi, welcome to the best club no one wants to join. So sorry you find yourself here.

Gently, your husband is a serial cheater. Maybe you don't want to meet with an attorney just yet, but I would certainly make several appointments just to get your foot in the door.

Have you considered outing him to his religious community? I don't want to seem harsh, but your husband is a hypocrite of the worst kind.

Please find a good trauma specialist for yourself as you are in shock.

Please keep several copies of your evidence in a safe, secure place. Whatever you do, when you confront your husband, never, ever reveal your sources.

Hugs....

Hi OP. What a shit your husband is.

I would lean on your sister and family as much as you can. This is a bad, bad level of cheating by your husband, support from family and friends is going to be important.

Hold your nose, and talk to this other woman some more. I presume she's willing to share because she contacted you. Ask for whatever concrete proof she's willing to share with you. Text msgs with your husband, photos with your husband, hell even x-rated videos with your husband. Tell her the concrete proof will help you deal decisively with this cheater.

Chances are when you confront him, he's going to lie like the son of a bitch he is. He won't admit to anything if all you have is are some fb messages from a woman you don't really know. Concrete proof and you can skewer him.

I think you would be crazy to try to reconcile this marriage. Wow what a liar he is. Even if you never get black and white proof like photos or texts with other women, you've got all the proof you need to divorce this creep (as you've outlined in your first post).

Early days but you need to talk to a lawyer as soon as possible. Living with your husband between now and when you confront him is going to be difficult. Get your ducks in a row as soon as you can.

Strength to you.

I just want to clarify that the "shock and awe" approach I outlined wasn't "get a divorce and move on!"

You are in no emotional position to do that. You're just catching up to what looks like a long, long history of betrayal. No one should expect you to be ready to cut your losses and move on. You don't even know up from down right now.

But you seek the truth. The quickest way I've seen folks start to get the truth and start to heal is by making it perfectly clear that lies will no longer be tolerated. There's nothing clearer than "i'm preparing to end this marriage based on what I know." But you have to show him you mean business, hence the lawyer meeting, the separate bank accounts, the asking him to leave. You aren't bluffing.

Mostly, my advice is meant to stop him from hurting you further with minimization, lies and gas lighting - the typical WS response. He'll be panicked too. Only his go-to will be to keep you in the dark so he pays no consequences for his horrible mistreatment of you. Meanwhile, you will throw yourself against the wall of his lies over and over and over again, doing more damage to yourself and YOUR MARRIAGE.

Deliver the consequence. He'll either realize he has no option other than throwing himself at the mercy of the court, or he will walk away. If he chooses the latter, it will hurt, very, very much, but it will be the truth you seek. The truth is the only way forward. If he chooses the former, you are more likely to start getting the truth.

So glad you're telling your sister. You need love and support.

[This message edited by TheEnd at 12:51 AM, Friday, August 19th]