DDay was 6 days ago. Should I wait until emotions etc settle down to pull the D trigger?
Last Friday was my 3rd (4th?) DDay, and D is, at this point, the only realistic option.
My question is this though - should I wait until the emotions and such settle down a bit before jumping into divorce proceedings?
I mean, I know it's the only real answer here, but I'm wondering if I should hold off until my emotions are more in check and I can think/process things a bit better. We aren't having problems living together other than the obvious emotions showing, so there's no real need to rush other than to get it over with.
34 comments posted: Friday, February 18th, 2022
Ch 3. The End.
Feb 11, 2022.
The funny thing is, as I listened to what I caught in the recording and realized what happened, my first inclination was to start mentally noting some effects I was about to feel and how to mitigate them: sleeplessness (PM's and melatonin will help), nervous, uncontrollable energy (get back to the gym), lack of appetite (knock off those 5 or so lbs I put back on since getting out of the workout habit), difficulty in concentrating (write everything down, mentally recite the exact procedure for some common task). I forgot about night sweats until they happened, then it was "oh yeah, this too." Get a few towels, and fresh t-shirts/underwear and stack them in a pile next to the bed. I think those are the worst, esp in the dead of winter.
The next reaction was one of relief. No more spy vs spy, marriage police, or investigations. No more walking on eggshells because I don't want to upset her. Before I actually told her I knew (she was treating me like things were wonderful in our lives for the last few months) she was upset over receiving a box of her late mother's things from her Dad to sort out. It didn't affect me - I felt no sympathy, grief, or sorrow at seeing her upset. When the confrontation finally occurred after her prodding and pushing (what's wrong? tell me what's bothering you), all I did was say his name and the words "I know." She got flustered and stormed out of the house.
I don't have to worry about her anymore. I don't have to feel on edge while she's around, as if I have to act a certain way or make sure I accomplish certain tasks.
As you can probably tell, this isn't my first visit to this forum, but here I come again my friends, looking once more for your care, support and advice. You've helped me before, even though I didn't always heed your warnings or accept your wisdom. This was something I needed to learn the hard way, apparently. I do feel better equipped to manage the road ahead though, perhaps staying through the bad will make the end game less painful.
My old thread is here if you wish, https://survivinginfidelity.com/forums/?tid=654205&HL=71871
AS far as the latest developments, well something just seemed off. We were getting along a little too well it seemed. She was almost too nice to me. Things that would normally annoy her didn't suddenly. At first I thought she was finally happy. But eventually it nagged at me, and I decided to put on my black sunglasses and trenchcoat and become the Marriage Police again. I VAR'd her car and got the GPS in there again. I went fishing, and I caught something on my first cast.
The recording contained two phone calls - the first was to him, as she was driving out to meet him. They wound up in a church parking lot (really!) for about 40 minutes. She went to his car so I was spared having to listen to that. The next call was to her sounding-board friend who live half way across the country. If the call to him wasn't enough (and I have no doubt I could have found wiggle room in that if I really wanted to keep my blinders on,) then the call to her sealed the deal.
The conversation that eventually happened between us was a familiar story here - primarily gaslighting and blame-shifting. Apparently her affair was my fault because she resents things she never got to do in her life. She didn't go to college and have a wild single life before we got married. And of course it's my fault, and she resented me for it. I told her I refused to accept her idea that her affair was my fault, I had told her a while ago that if she wanted out then let's end it, and she chose to stay. So no, this is all on her. I will accept some responsibility for not being the perfect husband, but I certainly wasn't married to the perfect wife. And I certainly haven't deserved this.
So I'm calling a few divorced friends for attorney recommendations and any strategic advice they might have.
I've finally ready to end it, I've finally learned my lesson.
90 comments posted: Wednesday, February 16th, 2022
Well, here we go again...
I posted the original story when it happened about 2 years ago, but I can’t find that thread so I thought I’d recap it and add some new info.
Frist off, first D-Day was September 10, 2001. We R’d obviously, she did the counseling thing, and a lot of individual work to try and improve herself. All was fairly well.
October 15, 2019. Second DDay. Though I have no evidence of actual physical contact, there is certainly evidence of an EA. I caught a FB Messenger message from him to her with some very sexual language. At the end of the day, I should have held out longer and built up more intel so I had a clearer understanding of what was happening. But I didn’t. Things seemed to get better (I found a few “How to Improve a Broken Relationship” type websites pulled up on her phone for example) and eventually I got over it.
Flash forward to July 3, 2021. Her contact with OM had been through a summer school program in which she works as a teacher aide, he is the gym teacher. When I found out he would be there again, I said nothing (she doesn’t know that I know), and began to observe. I wound up catching a FB message from her to him with very suggestive content. He blew her off, though, which actually made me chuckle. I have actually come to believe he sees her as a friend and doesn’t want to get involved with her (she’s 50 and about 15 years older than he is). I base this on some of the messages from the previous episode (she told him I’d be on an overnight camping trip and he never responded to that, when she said I had found out he told her “We are friends” a few times but she didn’t seem to want to hear that.)
Anyway, I’m not completely done yet, but I can see it from here. Given the magnitude of the life change, I need to KNOW. I’m setting up my intel network. VAR, GPS, electronics passcodes etc. I want as close to incontrovertible proof as I can have before I pull the trigger.
I’ve also been reading up on and taking notes on divorce law in my state. I will be contacting lawyers as well. I’ve a few friends who have been recently divorced and I will be hitting them up for any advice too.
Any advice or thoughts, guidance, heartfelt comments, or reality checks would be greatly appreciated.
33 comments posted: Friday, July 16th, 2021