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Newest Member: Stich

Divorce/Separation :
Why “No Contact”?

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 BornYesterday (original poster new member #80421) posted at 8:51 PM on Friday, August 5th, 2022

I’m really struggling not to send an email suggesting we seek counseling and give this a try for one school year. Is it really that awful to have any contact after they say it’s over? Am I risking something beyond my self esteem? Just trying to better understand.

And for those of you telling me to notify the other spouse? My gut instinct is that it’s childish and that I’d regret it. I do pray she refuses to leave her incredibly wealthy marriage, however. She’s also devoutly Jewish from a highly prominent NY family and my husband shuns religion. I just can’t see the substance in this coupling.

posts: 14   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2022
id 8748440
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Unhinged ( member #47977) posted at 9:00 PM on Friday, August 5th, 2022

Why is informing a betrayed spouse childish? I informed the OBS and she thanked me.

Married 2005
D-Day April, 2015
Divorced May, 2022

"The Universe is not short on wake-up calls. We're just quick to hit the snooze button." -Brene Brown

posts: 6535   ·   registered: May. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Colorado
id 8748442
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 9:25 PM on Friday, August 5th, 2022

NC is for you. It helps you to not generate more hurts. It helps you start to detach so you can look at the situation logically, rationally, and with less of the distortion that strong emotion can bring. You can send the email- but you have to realize that you may just be setting yourself up for more pain. It does also feed the WS’ sense of entitlement and specialness— "look she’s still pining for me - I have two women fighting over me. I must really be all that and bowl of soup." It’s up to you - you have to do what feels right for you but with your eyes open to the possible outcomes/consequences. I sent a couple emails asking to try again- and he lied yet again and strung me along. Hurt like a MF but actually ultimately hardened my resolve to get out of the relationship. So it worked, but not in the way I hoped. R takes two, and we can’t convince another to R. they have to want it.

And telling the OBS is for their health (physical and emotional) and safety. To give them their agency to choose if they want to be with a cheater or not. To protect themselves from STI/STDs that can be deadly (Your spouse may not be the only one their WS is cheating with).
It’s not petty. It’s giving them the choice most of us would have liked to have- to know what was really going on or be betrayed. it’s up to the OBS to figure out their next steps, but if they don’t know about the A, they can’t do that.

If you knew a driver was super drunk and unable to drive safely, wouldn’t you want to tell the passengers about to get in the car?

Good luck, and again, sorry you are in this situation. Infidelity really sucks.

-BB

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4886   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8748448
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hcsv ( member #51813) posted at 9:40 PM on Friday, August 5th, 2022

The reason I went no contact is because he broke the sanctity of our marriage and family by sharing everything with AP. Nothing was sacred, not the 35 year marriage, not our three adult children's personal lives, not our finances, not my private feelings and thoughts, nothing.

After Dday, he shared all my conversations with him, my begging and pleading with him to stay (so embarrassed by this), the kids conversations with him, everything.

I decided I was going to take myself out of their dialogue, I took my privacy back.

Now, six years later, I am still no contact for the same reasons. He broke me, but Ive put myself back together into someone he has lost the privilege of knowing.

After 40 years, ex turned into someone I didnt know and couldnt trust anymore. Divorced. 1/17

posts: 715   ·   registered: Feb. 14th, 2016
id 8748455
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HalfTime2017 ( member #64366) posted at 10:22 PM on Friday, August 5th, 2022

You can send any email/letter you want, but you have to remember it was your WH that broke the vows. He is the one that cheated on you. So if he's not the one trying to win you back, not the one finding IC/MC and begging you to work it out, then you just become plan B. Yea its going to hurt your self esteem! It also sets you up for another D-day down the road.

If he doesn't want to come back, and is actively working to be a safe partner, you asking for things to work isn't going to just change him. He needs to want to change.

I agree with the others, you need to let the OBS know, its not childish. Would you call the OBS childish if she let you know? Or are you secretly hoping that by not blowing thins up, maybe your WH will come back to you. That does not work. You need to expose them. Maybe the OBS's husband knowing will kick her off the fence and she has to make a choice between her very wealthy husband, or your WH. Either way, she should be told.

posts: 1345   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8748464
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 11:24 PM on Friday, August 5th, 2022

Notifying the OBS is not at all childish. It's not about revenge. It's about doing the right thing. That man deserves to know the truth. It's a kindness to inform him.

Otherwise..you are an accomplice in their affair. And, she sure lucked out by having an affair with your husband. She not only gets your husband, but you will help her keep it a secret from her husband.(OK, that's a little childish,lol)

That man deserves to know his wife may be leaving him,so he can secure his assets. He also deserves to know his life is at risk,because he is possibly being exposed to stds.

posts: 4495   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8748469
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 2:09 AM on Saturday, August 6th, 2022

He has shown you how little interest he has in you or in your marriage. He doesn't want to give it any effort or he'd be there. He doesn't care how bad his shittiness hurt you or he'd be there trying to fix things. I know that hurts like hell to hear, but it's true.

Marriage counseling can be great. IF. If both parties are really there putting in the hard effort successful counseling requires. If both parties approach it with open minds and humility and a willingness to do some pretty intense self-reflection. If both parties deeply and sincerely WANT to work things out. If both parties aren't 1000% committed to it, it's just really expensive talking that will do nothing but hurt YOU. Ask me how I know that.

Going no contact means your emotional wounds stop getting run over with a cheese grater. It gives them a chance to start healing and gives you a chance to start looking at things more objectively so you can make rational and logical decisions for YOU.

As for notifying OBS. You bet your tookas that there's no way she will willingly leave a rich husband for her affair buddy. Totally up to you whether you do or not, but I recommend it for several reasons - 1. it's the right thing to do. 2. It doesn't keep you being a secret-keeper of the affair. 3. Psychologically for you I think it would help you take some of your power back. 4. (this is childish, but valid IMHO) It doesn't allow their super-special romance bullshit to continue with no consequence.

I didn't share kids with my xwh, so in some ways it was easier for me to do the NC thing, but let me tell you I have never NOT ONE TIME for one millisecond regretted blocking him and his AP. And I mean BLOCKED - phone numbers, social media, emails, linked in, you name it, I blocked it. By far the best thing I did for my healing.

I remember how discombobulating it was right when I split from my xwh. It was awful. But within a quicker timeframe than I would have thought possible, I started feeling better. I started finding joy in ME and MY life. I started really loving the peace in my life - no more crying myself to sleep, no more fighting, no more walking on eggshells, no more rolled eyes when I want to watch something on tv or listen to 90's boy bands while I clean the house. Reclaiming myself has been amazing and these days my life is so much better than I ever thought it would be when I was where you are. Hang in there - I promise you it gets better.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"The love that you lost isn't worth what it cost and in time you'll be glad that it's gone." – Linkin Park

posts: 3516   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8748484
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 11:20 PM on Saturday, August 6th, 2022

I’m really struggling not to send an email suggesting we seek counseling and give this a try for one school year. Is it really that awful to have any contact after they say it’s over? Am I risking something beyond my self esteem? Just trying to better understand.

You'll probably be really angry with yourself if he says 'no' and your dignity will have suffered, but the worst part about begging a WS to come back is how much of your power you give away when you do. R is on the cheater's terms at that point and you're walking on eggshells, hoping he's not still in contact with his affair partner, hoping that he's not going to pull the rug out from under you as you continue to make emotional and financial investments in the relationship. R works best when the WS is willing to pull out all the stops and remediate their poor character. They're not likely to do that when they think they're in the catbird seat deciding between two lovers. They're not hitting the rock bottom which necessitates real change.

If you think you can let him know that you're willing to entertain R if your conditions are met, fine. But if it's on HIS terms, I think you'd be smart to pass.


And for those of you telling me to notify the other spouse? My gut instinct is that it’s childish and that I’d regret it. I do pray she refuses to leave her incredibly wealthy marriage, however. She’s also devoutly Jewish from a highly prominent NY family and my husband shuns religion. I just can’t see the substance in this coupling.

What do you have to lose that's not already lost? Your WH has made you culpable in his abuse of this other BS. He's turned you into a co-conspirator keeping this poor schmuck's life a lie. When push comes to shove, you're NOT at any obligation to cut off your own nose to spite OW's face, that's true. But there's a 50/50 chance, she'll dump your WH in an effort to save her marriage and reputation. Maybe he'll find his rock bottom after that, and if he doesn't and if she doesn't.. what have you lost that's not already gone?

I know you're scared, but all you can do is the best you can do. That has to mean being authentic to the person you really are though, not catering to the fear of abandonment or the loss of control regarding the direction of the marriage.

You're going to be okay. Believe in yourself.

((hugs))

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5748   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8748567
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BoundaryBuilder ( member #78439) posted at 11:50 PM on Saturday, August 6th, 2022

Am I risking something beyond my self esteem? Just trying to better understand.

Sounds like you're stuck in the bargaining phase. If I do XYZ maybe he'll wake up and XYZ will happen......if he does this maybe it means this.....if he spends enough time with her maybe he'll realize their incompatibility and come back home......and so on. Cycling through the typical phases of grief/loss is to be expected. The bargaining phase isn't a phase known for realistic thinking. He left you and your family and says it's over, correct?

What do you risk besides your self esteem? Well, perhaps stalling the divorce for another year (plus the additional time required to proceed through divorce - depends upon your jurisdiction) might benefit him financially? Not sure what your $$ situation is. If you make more than he does during the next year plus, or he loses another job, is it possible you could owe HIM spousal support? Will he be able to cry poverty and minimize child support payments in another year? He could accrue debts you'd be on the hook for. In a year, financially, anything can happen. Filing now puts the financial pieces in play for D as they stand now, which could provide some protection for you and you family. Just a thought off the top of my head. I hope others will chime in with the benefits of filing now rather than delaying any further.

Remember, it takes time to file for divorce/separation. If at anytime you change your mind, you can stop the proceedings.

I know you're scared, but all you can do is the best you can do. That has to mean being authentic to the person you really are though, not catering to the fear of abandonment or the loss of control regarding the direction of the marriage.

You're going to be okay. Believe in yourself.

Wise advice. I second this sentiment. You will be okay. Deep breaths, take care of yourself, and put you and your kids first. Best wishes.

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 7:29 PM, Sunday, August 7th]

Married 32 years w/one adult daughter
ME:BW 63
HIM:WH 65
13 month texting EA with high school X who fished him on Facebook 43 years later
PA=15 days spread over final 3 months
D-Day=April 21, 2018
Reconciled

posts: 126   ·   registered: Mar. 4th, 2021
id 8748569
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wantnomore ( member #71871) posted at 11:26 PM on Sunday, August 7th, 2022

And for those of you telling me to notify the other spouse? My gut instinct is that it’s childish and that I’d regret it.

If you hadn't found out, would want to have been told?

Better yet - if one of your children was married and their spouse was having an affair, would you want them to be told?

The other spouse deserves to know the state of their marriage and the damage that is being inflicted on them.

Me: BH (56)Her: STBXWW (51)DDays - 9/10/01, 10/15/19, 7/3/21, 2/11/22.I'm dumb, but I do learn eventually.Starting D ASAP.

posts: 112   ·   registered: Oct. 18th, 2019   ·   location: Great Lakes region
id 8748630
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 5:20 AM on Monday, August 8th, 2022

He is the one who should be begging for a second chance with you. If you invite him back—without him even expressing the desire to do so and after having done nothing to earn that second chance— what incentive does he have to work hard at reforming himself and rebuilding your marriage?

Also, what if he comes back for a period of time and then leaves you again? This will dash your kids hopes, retraumatize them, and disrupt their lives to a much worse degree than if they had come to terms with your divorce and adjusted to the “new normal.”

Am I risking something beyond my self esteem?

You say that as if losing your self esteem is something trivial. You need to have your self esteem (and improve it!) in order to move on from him, rebuild your life, and be the best possible parent to your child.

Are you sure that the reason you don’t want to tell OBS is because you’re worried your WH would be angry at you for spilling the beans, and therefore less willing to reconcile with you? I ask this because the "childish" description of disclosing to the BS sounds a lot like something a manipulative WS would say to demean a BS into keeping quiet.

You say you don’t think OW would want to leave her wealthy husband, but are you actually afraid that OBS would decide to divorce her, which would then make her available to your WH?

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 5:25 AM, Monday, August 8th]

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 842   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8748655
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 6:10 AM on Monday, August 8th, 2022

P.S. Apart from the ethical reasons for telling the OBS about the affair, you might want to consider the fact that if OW’s husband is as wealthy as you say, he might have a prenuptial or postnuptial agreement with an infidelity clause. Therefore, if OW & OBS divorce, he could potentially lose a lot more than he would have if he had known (and had the opportunity to prove) that his wife was cheating on him.

Also, I think there’s a strong possibility that OW is secretly funneling money to your husband (either out of fear or out of obligation) because their dalliance cost him his livelihood. OW providing financial support to your husband makes his decisions — such as leaving you and maintaining a relationship with her, despite the fact it’s cost him everything and she doesn’t seem willing to leave her husband— make a lot more sense.

Informing the OBS could be the catalyst for ending the affair and cutting off your husband’s gravy train.

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 842   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8748656
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 BornYesterday (original poster new member #80421) posted at 1:06 PM on Monday, August 8th, 2022

"Are you sure that the reason you don’t want to tell OBS is because you’re worried your WH would be angry at you for spilling the beans, and therefore less willing to reconcile with you? I ask this because the "childish" description of disclosing to the BS sounds a lot like something a manipulative WS would say to demean a BS into keeping quiet.

You say you don’t think OW would want to leave her wealthy husband, but are you actually afraid that OBS would decide to divorce her, which would then make her available to your WH?"

Well? BluerThanBlue for the win! Yup, you’re exactly correct. I became hopeful again and if I’m honest with myself? See his knowing and leaving her as a door closing for me.

I did the stupid thing, went against all of your sage counsel and asked that he either consider counseling over the course of the next school year (even said I would move to where he’s working to do it) OR to attend a 4-day retreat designed to ensure there’s nothing left to save in our marriage and assuming not? To help us plan for divorce with the best interests of our family in mind.

You don’t have to tell me again why this all was a terrible idea. Everything you predicted came to bear. "Yes, he hears everything I’ve said and is thinking it over. He’s simply too exhausted from work to think rationally right now. (Living a double life IS exhausting after all.) Yes, he’s considering counseling, but only if he can find time and only with the goal of becoming a better person himself. Yes, we all deserve better. Yes he still loves our children."
And yes, I feel like a complete horse’s *ss.

I know I sound like an even more terrible person for saying this? But Ive grown to truly hate "hope" as an emotion. Because every time I feel a glimmer of it? I end up opening fresh wounds. So I’m back to NC. Committed to that this time.

I’m still not ready to tell BS, and I understand all of your thoughts on the subject. I’m now at least feeling bad about my hesitation. Because I learned about what happened from a friend who’d heard it at a dinner party? It’s kind of public info anyway…even though it was only my husband’s identity everyone knew. Not hers. How that husband hasn’t put 2 + 2 together? I’d beyond me.

If I do it? I’m going to have to handle it anonymously. There is in fact a strong legal reason for me to do this that involves a confidentiality clause both of us had to sign for our last jobs. I’m sure I’m now beyond its legal reach since the affair has continued and neither of us remains in employ of the company. But it’s still bit nerve-wracking.

posts: 14   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2022
id 8748675
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Shehawk ( member #68741) posted at 2:05 PM on Monday, August 8th, 2022

Every situation is different.

What I wish I had taken into account every time I decid d to communicate with my WS (but especially since his brutal betrayal) is his character. Until/unless he repairs his character, I am not safe with that kind of man in my life.

posts: 962   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: VA
id 8748676
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 3:20 PM on Monday, August 8th, 2022

Getting to NC is really hard. So don’t beat yourself up for having sent the letter, just take it as a learned lesson.

And take it one day at a time. You’re going to be just fine.

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4886   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8748684
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 3:34 PM on Monday, August 8th, 2022

BornYesterday, I was afraid that you were going to reach out to your husband, he would love bomb you, keep you on the hook while carrying on his affair, and you would lose years of your life and tons of money of counseling/retreats based on his false promises. I'm relieved for you that he was lukewarm and ambivalent instead, probably because he knows that he doesn't have enough brains or emotional energy to keep up a masquerade, now that he has been exposed.

I know I sound like an even more terrible person for saying this? But Ive grown to truly hate "hope" as an emotion. Because every time I feel a glimmer of it? I end up opening fresh wounds. So I’m back to NC. Committed to that this time.

You don't need to give up hope; you just need to direct it at yourself and not him. You are intelligent, hard-working, and resourceful. You've essentially been living as a single parent for years while being married; you know what you need to do. You will heal, get over him, have a rich and fulfilling life, and be the sane parent your daughter needs.

If he thinks being a rich woman's backdoor man is worth giving up his reputation, career, and family, then be grateful you're rid of him. He has no judgement, character, and self control; if he hadn't cheated at work, he probably would've done some other dumb and reckless thing, like embezzle money. Men like your husband inevitably drag everyone close to them down.

As for some practical advice, I really think you need to hire a forensic accountant or at the very least run a credit check. As someone told you in JFO, you don't want to get surprised with debts or legal entanglements as a result of his actions. And further-- even if you think it's far fetched-- you want to uncover any hidden accounts or money that he is getting from the OW or other sources. You and your daughter deserve everything to which you're legally entitled. And he shouldn't be able to cry poverty or reduced earnings if he's sitting on a comfy cash cushion or has a source of "income" that he hasn't disclosed.

edit/add: Regarding disclosure to the OBS, if you're worried that it would cause acrimony during the divorce process, then hold off until the ink is dry on your papers. You can also speak to your attorney regarding the nondisclosure agreement, and see if it's still applicable.

If you contact OBS, I advise against contacting him anonymously. He will want to believe his wife over some random stranger without a face or a name. If he's a wealthy and well-known person, he might think someone is trying to scam or undermine him; also, the wrong person could also be accused of telling him. It would only compound his pain to send him on a wild goose chase or give his wife the opportunity to manipulate and gaslight him.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 3:47 PM, Monday, August 8th]

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 842   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8748688
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Unhinged ( member #47977) posted at 6:44 PM on Wednesday, August 10th, 2022

Anonymous won't work. If you're going to tell someone that their spouse is having an affair, you have to be ready to back it up with as much evidence as possible.

I know it's a bit scary. Once that cat's out of the bag, there's no going back, and there's no telling what that damned feline is gonna do. You give up the ability to "control the narrative." That's okay, though. You also give up the burden of keeping those secrets and being an accomplice to infidelity.

Truth matters.

Married 2005
D-Day April, 2015
Divorced May, 2022

"The Universe is not short on wake-up calls. We're just quick to hit the snooze button." -Brene Brown

posts: 6535   ·   registered: May. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Colorado
id 8749906
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