I don't know how this will sound to you because I am going to wear my WS hat for a second, but I want you to think about something in the same way WS need to (should, etc).
My mind goes to them being so happy, in the house that we picked out.
One of the Cheater's Handbook commonalities is believing that the AP is a good person, right? And to every BS, they are like, "WTF? All evidence to the contrary!" Because look at what APs do!
As the fog (fairy tale, self-delusion, whatever) fades into reality, the WS slowly starts to see past the fantasy and into the truth. "What kind of horrible person cheats, lies, deceives, pretends, hurts others...willingly? These are not good qualities." And the realization that 'good people' don't do these things (yes, that includes our shitty selves) really starts to become apparent. So the AP as a 'good person' is and always was just pretend. APs actually have huge character flaws, but the WS--because of whatever is going on in our messed up world--simply do not want to see it. We have too much invested in the fantasy.
So to you...you picked out a house together???? And he moved AP into that house???? And...
We were trying for a baby the night before he left me.
Seriously, a good person does NOT do this to someone! You can't see it because you had so much invested, so many dreams that relied on a partner, any good partner. You are grieving the loss of a partner, of course! That hurts badly. But THIS one??? Just no. He was NOT good. He was never going to be good. He was always a selfish partner.
1. He strung you along for three years on a baby and on eventual marriage. He knew your dreams but didn't care and made you wait, wait, wait.
2. He looked at houses with you. He picked one out, knowing he was in an A! And shared it with another woman like we are Barbie dolls in a Dream House--just interchangeable and without our own feelings and wants. Yuck. As a woman, I would hate to know another woman had input on our (my!) home.
3. He had commitment issues? I'll say! So he shouldn't have made promises he couldn't keep. You wasted three years on a guy who was always playing you. He obviously talks a good game but zero follow through. Selfish.
4. He called you in May and said he missed you! After what he DID to you, to your dreams? Who cares how HE felt! Actions not words. Why was he not going NC with this OW and showing real action??? Because he just wanted to keep his options open and keep you on the back burner. Selfish, self-centered, self-focused. That's why you only got a call.
5. And he said to you or let you believe you two were trying for a baby...the night before he left?!?! I just can't. This takes the cake. This is some callous psychopathic bullshit. There is nothing romantic about doing this to you. He KNEW what was happening in his life. He lied and future faked in the most hurtful and callous way possible right up until the minute he pulled the rug out from under your life. Who DOES that to another human being?
Summertime, I know you are grieving the good times. But he was hiding his true self. He was and is NOT a good, caring, compassionate human being. I am sorry you fell for him and didn't see it, but at least you found out before things really got complicated. His AP will get the same version. She'll see his true colors eventually. Mr. Non-commital? He's having a baby with her but not marrying her, right? He will leave. Like he always does.
I am sorry. You didn't deserve this selfish jerk. Even if he came crawling back, you need to see that this guy is not a good person. Never was.
[This message edited by OwningItNow at 5:12 AM, Wednesday, July 27th]