SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The best advice DrStrangeLove got which I wish I had was when she throws out she will do anything to make it up, tell her to write a list of everything she did with the other guy. Every single thing and how she plans on making that up to you times 10. She sent sexy messages - now for you times 10, she watched the kids while he went out - times ten, she woke up and sent him good morning texts and I love you's - time ten. See how it becomes a huge mountain she has to climb. It shows her resolve.

Not the time for this yet, maybe someday.

Lastly, have you moved out of the bedroom? It makes a strong move to stop being affectionate to her and helps you separate. Otherwise it becomes hard to hate and push away someone you love while wanting someone to comfort you in these horrible times.

She has moved out of our bedroom into a guest room. So far I don’t want to be touched by her. Secretly hoping for a run in with some HB though, I’ve heard that is pretty awesome I don’t want to hate her, but as discussed earlier I don’t have any illusions of being in control of my emotions right now.

Was her taking on message retrieval really a smoke screen for hiding messages from you?

Another blind spot by me. I admit I did not think of that. Not the sharpest today, I guess. The short answer is there has been no successful message retrieval yet. The FB Messanger stuff appears to be very good at staying private, pretty sure that is gone with her deleting the messages in real time. There is still some hope for the iMessages, she may have had some backup going. But I don’t want to try and fail before I see the timeline. I want her to have to fear that source of information as she writes it.

Has your WW sent the OM a "No Contact" letter? It should be a short, clear message acknowledging that what they have done is wrong, that she wants to reconcile with you, and that he should never contact her again in any way. No sentiment at all, just "No contact, period."

The message she lied to me about was the no contact message. She has already deleted it off her phone, but I told her to recreate it by memory as it was so recent. Again, the awfulness of it speaks to it’s authenticity. It gave very intimate detail about me. The tone was fond. It ended with "I love you".

I’m trying to convince myself that I can’t make a decision with each new revelation, I need to hear everything she’s got in the timeline and let that whole picture sink in. But that "I love you" is hard to swallow.

I recognize in myself that I struggle with change, and divorce seems like one of the biggest life changes there is. One motivation I will have is to R just to keep some continuity. I don’t see the value of that on the Bayesian node plot. Probably because it is not going to be helpful in making this choice. Gonna need some courage.

I have been thinking about R or D, and one of the most solid thoughts is that I owe the kids to at least attempt R. It’s the very fabric of their lives at stake. I am the product of divorce and I know what it can do to kids. Some damage is probably already done, but it could still be contained. If WW doesn’t walk away and is willing to try, it seems like I have to put away my rage and justice seeking and try. We could have a beautiful R, the kids reality would stay intact. I don’t know how likely a good R is here, but the value of it is extremely high.

and one of the most solid thoughts is that I owe the kids to at least attempt R.

You're the product of a divorced family? Fine.

That means you don't know what it's like growing up in a family with a parent that disrespects their spouse, cheats on them, lies to them, and fails to meet their basic needs.

You don't know what it's like being a son growing up, every year becoming a bit more aware of the fact that your father has little to no self-respect, and allows himself to be cruelly taken advantage of and emotionally abused by his wife.

You don't know what it's like to be a daughter whose role-model is a woman who allows one man to toil to support her and act as her emotional safety net, while giving love and sex and attention to other men-- including other married men.

You don't know what it's like to grow up in a home where literally every display of affection or warmth that you witness is conditional, transactional, and reserved.

A healthy marriage that encounters a bump or two is worth saving for its own sake, but if for some reason it wasn't, saving it for the kids might be noble. An unhealthy marriage-- which is not just what you have now, but what you've always had-- is not worth saving even in the absence of children, and it is not at all clear that the children are better off with an unhealthy marriage, rather than having boundaries and self-worth and independence and responsibility and-- hopefully-- the formation of a healthy romantic relationship modeled for them by their father.

Ink,

So sorry about what your going through. Did she send this NC letter months ago, or days ago? It would seem to me that makes a difference. If she is expressing love days ago…

Also, what things was she expressing about you in her note to him? That doesn’t sound anything like the remorse you indicate she is showing…

[This message edited by Washashore at 1:32 AM, Thursday, June 30th]

Sordid, your experience and perspective are valuable and appreciated. It helps me expand my view on the possible futures.

So sorry about what your going through. Did she send this NC letter months ago, or days ago? It would seem to me that makes a difference. If she is expressing love days ago…

Days ago. Yup, this is not good.

[This message edited by InkHulk at 9:55 PM, Wednesday, July 6th]

How did you know you weren’t getting the whole story?

Easy, whenever her lips were moving.

Cheaters lie, and they lie a LOT, for years if you let them.

Schedule the polygraph and tell her she’s going or she’s getting divorced.

But that doesn’t impact the remorse

Whatever she shared about you may not speak to her remorse..but her telling him she loves him sure does.

She is not remorseful. She is regretful. Not at all the same thing.

I have to put away my rage

No sir. You do not do that. You tell her how you feel. The sadness,and the rage. Swallowing all of that is akin to swallowing poison. It will eat you alive. You need to get it out,and she needs to hear it. Don't rugsweep your feelings.

Look,if you eventually try for reconciliation, you both need to understand its a process. It takes years. It takes 3 to 5 years to heal from infidelity. And reconciliation takes longer.

You can not even attempt reconciliation without a remorseful spouse, and the entire truth.

And since she let him know she was going to tell you,you can bet he was watching her messenger,and her texts like a hawk. He intercepted that message. This isn't some crazy conspiracy theory. This is something that is extremely common amongst cheaters. Call his wife and tell her.

Do not share this site with her.

[This message edited by HellFire at 3:28 AM, Thursday, June 30th]

She had sex with him "years ago," but told him she loved him a few days ago?

I'm sorry, but this sounds like it's been a long term affair. Telling a man you had an affair with,years ago,that you love him now, makes no sense. Unless it's been ongoing.

Well, confirmed lie #1. WW just confessed to tipping OM off to the confession after she had told me previously that she hadn’t. Lying to protect him, not a good sign.

Her actions reveal her priorities.

I have to put away my rage

No sir. You do not do that. You tell her how you feel. The sadness,and the rage. Swallowing all of that is akin to swallowing poison. It will eat you alive. You need to get it out,and she needs to hear it. Don't rugsweep your feelings.

This times one thousand. You have to control your rage and express it in safe, appropriate ways. But if you don't honestly work through everything you're feeling about this you will be back here years later, just like me.

I rugswept so much because I couldn't deal with the possibility of losing, or leaving, my WW. I couldn't conceive of her being as unfaithful, deceptive, and deceitful as all the evidence indicated so I bought her minimized version hook, line, and sinker and tried not to think about the inconsistencies.

I kept all of that out of my head for almost 20 years until one day I was triggered and I realized that I could no longer accept heading into my "golden years" not really knowing the true story of my life. Don't do that to yourself. Speak the truth about how you feel. Demand the truth and respect that you have earned as a loving, faithful husband.

InkHulk

I just want to reemphasize - don't take anything she says as the actual truth. Don't assume she is being forthcoming.

You already caught the lie where she contacted him, and now claims it was a NC letter that ended in "I love you".

I know you're trying to find your balance - but don't take anything she says about the affair as the truth. Even if she reveals certain info to you that seems devastating and therefore possibly truthful, that may be calculated to hide something else.

Hopefully, that is not the case, but be vigilant.

Did you receive the timeline?

Wait....

The A was over 10 yrs ago, yet she tells him now that she loves him?!?!

Brother, the A never ended. It's been AT LEAST an EA since then and probably a PA as well.

You don't say I love you too someone that you had an A with but haven't seen or talked to in 10 yrs. You just don't.

She said she had sex one time a year ago according to the first post.

You know that human beings are emotional at our core, so we can't be totally logical. We can, however, manage a lot of our emotions. We have them, after all. They don't have us.

As you know, you're on a roller coaster that keeps going down into our worst selves My reco is to be on the roller coaster while observing yourself. As an observer, let yourself ride the waves. Let your emotions flow. watch yourself feeling your anger, grief, fear, and shame. Feel the feelings.

Logic won't heal you. Managed emotions will - but that 's 'managed', not 'stuffed'.

*****

As I spiraled down over the first 6 months after d-day, I realized I had 3 giant questions:

1) Does she love me?
2) Is she in love with me?
3) Will she be monogamous from now on?

We had been together for 45 years on d-day. It was gut-wrenching in the extreme to realize those questions were critical again, as they had been 45 years earlier.

There was no way I wanted to wait for answers. There was no way to get quick answers. The signs that I had 3 'yes' answers showed up on d-day. It took 3.5-4 years of consistent loving actions by my W before I accepted that the answers were 'yes'.

There's no way to rush recovery. The quickest way is day by day.

*****

It strikes me as difficult to get HB going from separate bedrooms. It's difficult to get HB going if you don't want sex with your WS.

You may be the obstacle to HB. That's 'may be'. Look inside. What do you want? Figure it out, and go for it.

Alas, it's not quite straightforward with rape in your W's past. What, if anything, is she doing to process that trauma out of her body (so much easier said than done)?

*****

Alas, I never studied statistics and probability, but s & p are critical elements in how I think and navigate life, and they were critical to my navigating recovering from being betrayed.

IOW, I think you're on the right track.

*****

Healing from being betrayed requires - requires, IMO - massive increases in self-respect, in self-esteem, and in self-love. The self-love, etc., does not come from the outcome. It comes from how you reach your outcome.

(Not so BTW, healing for WSes is the same - massive increases in self-respect, in self-esteem, and in self-love. A person who loves and respects themself may leave, but they won't betray.)

That means making the choices that seem best to you.

You get 2 types of advice from SI. Some advice tells you to do specific things. Other advice guides you to finding the path that's right for you.

Be careful about what advice to take.

Thanks all. I agree, I’m not pulling any punches or trying to manipulate/suppress my emotions at all. If anything this is giving opportunity to get everything on the table. I’m saying things to her that would have been unthinkable a week ago. She is reacting better than I could have hoped.

Her self image has taken a fatal hit. She is devastated to identify as an adulterer, but there is no hiding from it, it’s there searing her soul. She let a player walk her down a completely stereotypical path to get in her pants.

I’ve read too many stories like this on this forum, never dreamt it would be my life ending up here.

[This message edited by InkHulk at 9:59 PM, Wednesday, July 6th]

She's not devastated to be labelled an adulterer. She's known what she is. For years,she's known. The only difference is, you know now.