I want to give an update. I've been incredibly busy with work and I haven't been able to write--which is frustrating as I haven't had another outlet for my thoughts.
First, I'll start with the good.
My WW and I are still having emotional chats intermittently, though now it's largely about our respective IC sessions. The other night we had an interesting exchange. Since DDay, the question of my "safety" in our future relationship and my comfort in feeling she would not have another affair has come up several times in both our conversations and in MC. My WW's answer has always been some form of: "This has been the most painful experience of my life and I can't imagine ever going through this again."
It was one of those things I'd listen to, but never comment on. To me, it was just another example of her focused on herself and lacking empathy for me.
However, the topic came up again and for the first time she responded differently, essentially saying that she saw the pain she inflicted on me and could never do that to me again because of how much she loves me. There's still some of her own shame mixed in as reasoning as well, but I took it as progress. It's probably the first clear sign--at least for me--that she is capable of remorse.
Now to the less good.
My WW has been wonderful these passed few weeks--really wonderful--with one minor exception that I'll get into in a moment. My response to her being wonderful has surprised me a bit. I thought I'd be thrilled that we have this great relationship now: open communication, fun sex all the time, and early signs of remorse from her. Seemingly, it's all exactly what I wanted.
But I'm still often unhappy. And I know I'm riding the wave and my happiness will flutter for a longtime now, but I'm trying to examine it to better understand what is going on.
Did a part of me want her to fail in this limbo phase? If so, I'm not sure why. I thought that I wanted to see her change so we can build a happy relationship for the children--but if so, why aren't I doing cartwheels 'cross the floor now? What's missing?
And that leads to the minor exception as it's the thing I've been disappointed in over the last few weeks.
While I was in Italy, I sent my WW a series of emotionally raw emails, largely focused on my sexual kinks. She engaged fairly superficially with them and has been distant (imo) anytime the topic has been broached--which aligns exactly with how she's handled conversations about sex throughout our marriage.
Her lack of intellectual curiosity and probing does bother me a bit. She claims she's open to trying new things--as long as it does not involve another man/fantasizing about another man--but it doesn't seem like she's committed to that at all and she largely shuts down in our talks.
It's all left me feeling a bit frustrated. I have no desire to sort through my kinks with random women online again--or even with porn--but I now feel uncomfortable having these talks with my WW. I don't want to feel like I'm pushing something on her. It's possible we're just not sexually compatible.
And that brings me to my point--none of this was a deal breaker our entire marriage. I was annoyed and hurt at times, but I dealt with it openly to manage the issue. We have a life and kids together, so her eagerness to participate in certain sexual kinks just isn't my top priority.
But now it feels especially bad. She took my ultimate sexual fantasy (cuckolding), ignored it our entire relationship, and then went out and did it behind my back. And the result is that even more-so than before, she's closed off to it. Essentially, she was able to explore her sexual fantasies without me, despite me pleading for years for her to open up to me, and as a result me exploring my sexual fantasies with her are off the table.
It's a dynamic that I'm not sure I can live with. My fantasies aren't going away, so I'm going to need some outlet for them. I just haven't figured out how best to tackle it.