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My Wife Had an Intense, Highly Deceptive Affair, Part II

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 Drstrangelove (original poster member #80134) posted at 9:25 PM on Friday, August 5th, 2022

Faking an orgasm is lying. Lying is a hard boundary that can not be crossed when building trust.

On the other hand, I know many women who feel it’s unacceptable to their partner to not have one. So the sex keeps going even though sometimes women just know they aren’t going to. Nothing is wrong, just it’s elusive sometimes. So do I know women who find it easier to fake it rather than it going on indefinitely? Yes. I do not do this myself, but still to this day if I do not have one my husband thinks the session lacked something. It didn’t for me, I just didn’t reach a climax. It doesn’t mean I didn’t enjoy it.

She probably should have just said no. My guess is she was afraid to do that. That is not an accusation against you AT ALL. This is likely her issue alone. But there is a narrative there she tells herself about it that she needs to dissect in IC and replace that behavior with something more productive. Likely it’s not more sinister than her people pleasing is in full force and she has learned that sex keeps things smoother. I definitely did this. In hindsight I think it was manipulative, but not with ill intentions. However, I have no history of weaponizing sex outside of my infidelity. She likely has a far bigger dig to do in this area than I did.

So she and you need to come to some understanding on how to handle this issue but moving forward, it’s lying. Lying to me would end my Reconciliation full stop. No lies at all are tolerated in my marriage today, at the same time we have had more time to sort things out than you two have and there will be bumps in the road getting to that point.

Truthfully, I've never cared much if she faked her orgasms on occasion--for one, it's easily identifiable, and two, it seems harmless. But upon examination, I probably should care because it is a poor attempt at manipulation. Last night was the first conflict we had with a fake orgasm central to it--it was just very out of the blue and pinpointed that we were both having very different experiences. I thought I was being sensual and passionate and she was lying there angry with me and waiting for it to end. It makes me feel horrible. She was inviting sex, wearing sexy lingerie and being flirty. It certainly seems horribly manipulative and cruel, even though I don't think that was her intention.

Now, do I think her faking an orgasm should end a path to R for us? No, I can't say I do. If that would do it, then a million other things would have done it long ago. I do think she should stop faking orgasms though and I don't think that is a big ask.

The crux of the problem is easy to understand. Her mask slips, any trust built up is gone. It’s natural you would question if it’s manipulation of her just trying to get back to normal or her really wanting things to be different. No one can tell you which thing she is doing. I can only tell you it could be either or even both. If she is manipulating you to keep the marriage, what is the reasoning behind it? She wants the marriage because _____. There should be many answers to this question, what does your gut say?

That's a very hard question to answer. At times, it certainly seems like she loves me and the family we have and that's why she wants to be married to me. But I do think Occom's Razor is that she is genuinely terrified of being a single mom--and I know that because it's the one thing she's gone out of her way to tell me she's not scared of over the last four months lol. She points that out all the time: "I finally feel comfort in knowing I'll be ok if you leave me" etc. It's clearly a lie, so logically it makes me assume fear is still her primary driver at trying to R.

Me: BH, 38 (37 at time of A)
Her: WW, 38 (37 at time of A)
A: 9/21 - 3/22 (3 month EA; 3 month PA)
DDay: March 15, 2022
Status: Limbo

posts: 776   ·   registered: Mar. 23rd, 2022
id 8748449
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 Drstrangelove (original poster member #80134) posted at 9:28 PM on Friday, August 5th, 2022

I admit,I could have worded my post better.

What I meant was, she didn't seem to be in the mood. She had changed her mind. She should have told you so. You were confused,because she seemed to be in the mood just moments before,so you proceeded,because she didn't tell you otherwise.

I do not think you sexually assaulted her at all.

I think she did what she has always done. She continues to weaponize sex.

That's ok--again, I didn't take it personally, but it did elicit a reaction.

**

Seperately, we're on page 50, so I looks like I need to make a new thread again. I was sure hoping by the time we got to the end of this one, I had a clearer path on R or D. It certainly feels like we've been trending toward R these passed few weeks, but last night's stumbling block gives me pause again.

Me: BH, 38 (37 at time of A)
Her: WW, 38 (37 at time of A)
A: 9/21 - 3/22 (3 month EA; 3 month PA)
DDay: March 15, 2022
Status: Limbo

posts: 776   ·   registered: Mar. 23rd, 2022
id 8748450
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 Drstrangelove (original poster member #80134) posted at 9:36 PM on Friday, August 5th, 2022

Here's the link to the new thread: https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums/?tid=658032&AP=LastPage#mid8748452

I want to thank you all again for bearing with me as I navigate this nightmare. I feel so much stronger now than I did at the start. Having this community as a tool has been an incredible benefit to me.

Me: BH, 38 (37 at time of A)
Her: WW, 38 (37 at time of A)
A: 9/21 - 3/22 (3 month EA; 3 month PA)
DDay: March 15, 2022
Status: Limbo

posts: 776   ·   registered: Mar. 23rd, 2022
id 8748454
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