Wow, a lot of posts. So let me try to address everything succinctly.
As I’ve mentioned in the past, I use this board as a therapeutic writing outlet. So when I have the time, I come here and write whatever is top of mind and it greatly helps me sort it out. Often reading the replies helps me sort it out more quickly or more comprehensively.
Over the last couple of weeks, I’ve been entirely devoid of free time and haven’t posted as much—I suspect that’s a good thing as I’ve allowed all my regular, real world activities to gradually creep back in so I’m not thinking about the affair 24/7 (I also had an absurd two weeks at work post-Italy).
My last post, regarding my fetish, was nothing more than my stream-of-conscience thoughts of the moment. I have no intention of divorcing my wife because she is uncomfortable with my sexual kinks. It was a point of frustration that she was able to live out her sexual fantasies and was now using them as an excuse for me to never live out mine. It felt unfair and I was frustrated by it—but as Hellfire mentioned a few days ago, my response simply needs to be to get over it. I’m an adult and life isn’t fair—so that’s what I did. I’m over it.
I wish I wrote that all days ago to save the deluge of comments on the topic, and for that, I apologize.
I am writing this morning on an entirely different topic. We had a bad night for the first time in weeks and I want to write it out and examine it a bit. As always, I will try to provide all the context that lead up to it—while I think what happened is very straight-forward, I’m open to the idea that I’m missing something.
On Wednesday, I had IC. I used it to develop some thoughts about my current space right now in my marriage. I arrived at a big conclusion and then explored some additional thoughts from it—I then discussed these with my WW later that day and yesterday (Thursday).
1. What does marriage mean to my WW? It’s a lifelong commitment/contract for me that it clearly was not for my WW. That needs to be addressed for us to R—we need to have the same understanding of what M is.
2. An obligation to protect each other in our relationship. That’s the core of the issue of her badmouthing—she wasn’t protecting me. I would always have glowing words to say about her when she wasn’t around and she was one of those people shit talking her husband when he wasn’t around—I hate those people who talk down about other people all the time and I apparently married one. And that sucks. So seeing how she talks about other people in front of me will help determine how she is talking about me in front of other people.
3. A feeling that I would still be very uncomfortable around her parents. This one isn’t fleshed out yet as I’m still exploring it, but it’s been a big issue in the back of my mind for a long time. I have a strong sense that I would be very uncomfortable around her parents still and I recognize that is going to be a point of conflict—their annual trip down for Christmas has felt like a ticking time bomb for me. Days keep rolling passed and I’m not addressing it.
We went to MC and spent almost the entire time on point #1–the MC seized on it as very important and we explored it heavily, with her suggesting we write new vows for each other to potentially use in the future. And those vows should define what our new relationship will be.
We left MC and everything seemed well and we went through rest of day. My sister and brother-in-law came over for dinner and we watched some TV together. They left and my WW and I watched some TV solo. I’ve been getting over a cold so at 9 p.m., I was considering going up, but my WW asked if we could watch another episode and we did.
We chatted for a bit during the show and she mentioned her dad had asked her if he and her mom could come visit us in Sept. for a couple of nights on their way to Europe for a vacation. I told my WW I needed time to think it over and she said it would be fine if I preferred they stay in a hotel. I said that seemed silly, but I just need time to process it-she quickly responded that it wouldn’t be silly at all and she would understand.
We then cuddled on the couch—she was wearing sex lingerie under her PJ pants and I spent the rest of the show with my hand roaming her body—she was being light and sexy about it.
At 10 p.m. we went upstairs and got into bed. She was showing me a bruise on the top of her butt/hip and I teasingly suggested I’d see it better if her pants weren’t on. I suggested we have sex, but she didn’t respond and she took her pants off and rolled over on her stomach/side. I began to gently kiss up and down her body, asking what she wanted—no response. I kept kissing and then asked again—no response.
So I took down the lingerie and began giving her oral sex from behind (sorry if this is too graphic for some, but I want to be *very* specific for clarity).
After a few minutes she began bucking her hips and I went faster. She then faked an orgasm—it was strange as it felt obviously performative and took me off guard.
So after her fake orgasm I sat up unsure what to make of it, but thinking we’d just have sex. She looked back at me and asked if I had cum (in my pants while giving her oral)—I told her no. She angrily blurted out, "Ugh, you’re so annoying."
Now, that’s not unfamiliar territory for me—it was our sex life for years and she knows how hurtful it is to me when she behaves that way. I calmly asked what was going on and why she faked an orgasm, to which she replied: "I fake my orgasms when I don’t want to have a real orgasm."
So I said ok, and I immediately disengaged. She asked if I still wanted to have sex, but obviously that was the last thing on my mind. I brushed my teeth and we turned off the lights.
I sat there upset for less than a minute. I recognized that if I left things as they were, I’d be up in a negative spiral for hours processing what just happened. So I went to re-engage to tell my WW how hurt I was feeling. She was sleeping—I’m not even sure how it’s physically possible, but she went from awake to snoring in less than 60 seconds.
So I waited a few minutes and collected my thoughts. I then decided to wake her up. She was out of it, so I told her to collect herself and that I was very upset and wanted to talk.
We had a 10 minute conversation and I was talking to the same child she always was—all the progress I’ve seen in her over the months was absent. She told me it was as simple as her not wanting to have sex because she was tired (she insisted on staying up to watch more TV) and not in the mood (she was wearing lingerie and seemingly giving green lights).
I recognized immediately that the entire thing didn’t make any sense, so rather than dwell on her seemingly insane behavior, I probed a bit to see what was actually bothering her. Didn’t take me long to stumble onto the issue of her parents. She denied it, but it was crystal clear that she was angry with me at the possibility of not wanting her parents to come visit.
I told her I just needed to process that further and I wasn’t placing an edict that they can never come visit again. I told her it was clear that she was upset over the issue with her parents and she held that anger and resentment and weaponized it against me during our sex life; something she has done our entire M.
She partially acknowledged that possibility, and then said she was hurt I didn’t even think her parents were important enough to bring up in MC. I told her that we didn’t even get through the discussion on first topic in the hour and ran out of time.
She then pivoted to how when my sister came over for dinner she didn’t say hello to her and how she has to deal with that. For starters, it was a lie, but further, it was such absurd whataboutism I recognized the conversation needed to end. She asked if she should go sleep downstairs and I told her that was a good idea.
We went to bed (midnight~) and at about 5 a.m. I felt her come back in our bed and go to sleep.
I woke up around 7 a.m. (and started reading all the responses in this thread) and her alarm woke her up at 7:30 a.m.—she got her bearings and immediately went into a full-throated apology. She was so sorry for how the conversation went and she was acting like a child instead of leading with love as she has been trying to do the last few months.
I listened to her, and it was like a hearing a greatest hits album. She became emotional for X and Y reasons and acted like a child and now she was deeply sorry for it. I felt so clearly like the physically abused woman listening to her husband tell her he loved her as she sat with a black eye.
I could not have cared any less about my WW’s emotions and excuses. She finished talking and asked what I was thinking—I paused and told her I was still processing my thoughts, but I could tell her what I know: that her behavior was selfish and cruel and I need to get out from under it.
And that’s where we left things. Which leads me to:
However, logic dictates that deep seated resentments and diminution of one’s spouse over many, many years, would not suddenly go away after a handful of IC and MC sessions. Theoretically, this should take many, many years of therapy to sort out.
So, is your WWs new found positive attitude towards sex with you this illogical sudden shift in her mindset about you, a fake it until you make it mindset, or purely a manipulation of you?
She’s a phony. It’s a mask and her mask slipped big time last night.
And I know what many of you will say: it’s not *all* a mask; she’s learning and getting better, etc. And that’s probably true, but to have no self-awareness of last night just blows my mind. For her to be that awful is something I can’t comprehend.
[This message edited by Drstrangelove at 2:19 PM, Friday, August 5th]