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throwaway3692 (original poster new member #80344) posted at 7:32 PM on Monday, May 23rd, 2022
I’m in the uk and WhatsApp is a standard messaging platform here.
So worrying about hurting ap is null and void because it shouldn’t matter and she should be blocked regardless
Forks027 ( member #59996) posted at 7:37 PM on Monday, May 23rd, 2022
Unless, of course, you don't want to block her.
In that case, better save your wife from further hurt and end things with her first.
Losthusband43 ( new member #79767) posted at 7:41 PM on Monday, May 23rd, 2022
Well In Canada I will tell you what’s ap is a hell of a lot of married people playing game apps and sexting. I mean people are entitled to their privacy but if your s.o. Can’t look at your phone without you sweating you need to rethink a lot in your life. You are not an honest person, you are not trust worthy, why are you even in a monogamous relationship? You do not believe in it what’s the point other than playing with someone’s heart to get your rocks off?
TheEnd ( member #72213) posted at 7:51 PM on Monday, May 23rd, 2022
There was a thread by a BS not long ago about her WW keeping a number. Round and round everyone went answering the same question regarding what it means that the WS kept the number.
Not sure if this is breaking the rules but that same question was posted on another forum and again the OP asked it over and over and over again regardless of the million replies telling her exactly what it meant.
And now we get the same exact question, asked several times already, from the WS?
throwaway3692 (original poster new member #80344) posted at 7:57 PM on Monday, May 23rd, 2022
@theend It’s not really that weird is it. Haven’t posted here before but have posted on a different site.
throwaway3692 (original poster new member #80344) posted at 8:12 PM on Monday, May 23rd, 2022
@forks The way I think of it is this. While i have her number regardless of whether we are speaking or not, she is still a presence in my life and in my marriage
Midlyfewife ( new member #74551) posted at 8:33 PM on Monday, May 23rd, 2022
As a WW, she is part of the marriage that ended with your affair. If you are truly seeking to rebuild your marriage, you would not have the AP contact information. Perhaps you are hoping she contacts you, to have the thrill of knowing she still wants you. How big of an ego boost would that be for you? Seeing her name pop up? In my opinion, you should determine the reason for yourself that you still have her in your phone. Ask yourself why you would need or want her number. Once you have that answer, go to your BS and admit you are not being completely honest. Then, with her present, delete and block any and all ways that you could contact or be contacted by the AP. Draft a no contact text with your BS help and send it.
WW 50BH 58- Achilles1101Married 21 years. 2 Kids4.5 year LTA
CaptainRogers ( member #57127) posted at 9:58 PM on Monday, May 23rd, 2022
Throwaway, I'm going to be blunt. Quit asking questions about symbolism and whether you should keep the number. You've been given the advice in two different placed. Delete/block. Point, period, end of discussion. Anything else is still continuing to keep a backdoor out of the marriage.
Delete & block the AP or leave the marriage. Your choice.
BS: 42 on D-day
WW: 43 on D-day
Together since '89; still working on what tomorrow will bring.
D-Day v1.0: Jan '17; EA
D-day v2.0: Mar '18; no, it was physical
HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 10:51 PM on Monday, May 23rd, 2022
It means you have no respect for your wife. That you don't care about the pain she is in,and are ok that this is stabbing her in the heart.
It also means she should divorce you.
The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 11:50 PM on Monday, May 23rd, 2022
How would you feel if your wife had an affair and did not delete the guy’s number?
I would have D you already if you were my cheating spouse. Actions speak louder than words.
Your ego and selfishness is telling in this situation.
Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.
SI Staff ( Moderator #10) posted at 12:12 AM on Tuesday, May 24th, 2022
ShockedAndShattered ( new member #79685) posted at 1:22 AM on Tuesday, May 24th, 2022
Yes. It shows you're more concerned about your AP's feelings than your wife's.
As long as she is in your phone, she is in your hands, in your pocket and on your mind. Just a message away. That puts her between you and your wife. Why haven't you deleted it? Do you want your AP back? Are you stringing your wife along? By keeping the number, you're showing that you're not ready to do the hard work of reconciliation.
Ask yourself this:
How would your wife feel if she found that number in your phone?
BS(me):42 WH:43 Married
DDay 1- 9/11/2021 EA 5+ yrs & lies
TTDDay 2- 9/23/2021 EA 2+ years & lies
TTDDay 3- 10/17/2021 EAs 1.5 yrs/5+ yrs
TTDDay 4- 04/11/2022 Conf PA w/1 EA
Currently in R.
BreakingBad ( member #75779) posted at 1:22 AM on Tuesday, May 24th, 2022
I'm seconding CptRogers & 1stWife's comments.
Also, the best way to heal your relationship with your wife is to think from a point of empathy (from your wife's perspective) at all times.
If your wife had betrayed you in ways you never conceived she was capable of, what would you want her to do with the means to contact her boyfriend?
How would you feel if she wanted to let her boyfriend down gently?
You want to preserve this idea that you are a good guy with your AP.
You haven't been a good guy, not to your wife or to your AP. Own that.
If you are attempting to R with your wife, then be all in or all out. Think empathetically. That's how you begin to become a good guy.
"Don't you love it, don't you love it?
No, I ain't happy yet.
But I'm way less sad."[Credit to group AJR]
Me=BW; fWH=online affairs with 3 APs over 2.5-3 yrs
Both in IC & MC
Married 31 yrs now
2 kids-both in HS
AvoidanceIssues ( new member #78853) posted at 2:57 AM on Tuesday, May 24th, 2022
@throwaway3692 Have you received enough guidance that you have deleted the number yet?
Keeping the number means you want to keep open the possibility of continuing at least an emotional affair and is another insult to your partner.
This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 3:56 AM on Tuesday, May 24th, 2022
You need to jettison her and anyone in the friend group that supported your affair.
Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.
Unhinged ( member #47977) posted at 4:21 AM on Tuesday, May 24th, 2022
throwaway3692, I'd bet vital organs that you haven't yet blocked and deleted every possibly form of communication with your AP. Not surprising. You seem rather indecisive. You're clearly holding on. The question is why. Why are you still holding on to your AP? What are you afraid of?
D-Day April, 2015
Divorced May, 2022
"The Universe is not short on wake-up calls. We're just quick to hit the snooze button." -Brene Brown
throwaway3692 (original poster new member #80344) posted at 8:27 AM on Tuesday, May 24th, 2022
@unhinged - you are right, I have kept her number. which in itself presents a risk as my wife thinks AP number has been deleted so therefore keeping and not using makes no sense.
In a way, im afraid of hurting AP too - It isnt nice to see you have been blocked and if you know whatsapp, you can also now tell if you have been deleted as your photo disappears. HOWEVER - I could change my photo to 'appear to anyone' setiing and then she wouldnt know, but should I even be caring about this?
Do you think its possible that she is still in my life even if we aren't speaking?
Luna10 ( member #60888) posted at 9:04 AM on Tuesday, May 24th, 2022
I’m in the uk and WhatsApp is a standard messaging platform here.
I’m also in the UK and I can tell you that my WH, who used WhatsApp to communicate with his AP, deleted it on dday after blocking her and is still alive and well although he hasn’t used WhatsApp for 5 years.
In a way, im afraid of hurting AP too - It isnt nice to see you have been blocked and if you know whatsapp, you can also now tell if you have been deleted as your photo disappears
And you want to reconcile? But your main concern is not to hurt your AP’s feelings, the same AP who participated in the process of destroying your marriage? Right…
Dday - 27th September 2017
MIgander ( member #71285) posted at 9:38 AM on Tuesday, May 24th, 2022
WW here. Mine was an exit A, until I decided to give the M another shot. Maybe yours was too?
Either way, your A is still ongoing and you are not in any place to R. Just because you arent in touch with AP, doesnt mean youre not mentally/emotionally involved. She lives rent free in your head. You have built her a mansion in there and she still stays.
You are what my step-dad (recovered alcoholic) calls a DRY DRUNK. You arent in the bar, you dumped out all the bottles in the house, but you still walk past the corner store every day going to work and longing for another drink. Just one bad day away from drinking again.
AWS who is truly on the road to recovery will either be scared shitless (like a kid smoking a joint in their parents garage) about what will happen when their BS finds the number still on their phone. That, or they will be so disgusted with themselves and the person they used to screw aroubd with, they cut them out like a gangrenous limb.
Seriously, this is one of those things where it is better to cut off your hand than let the disease continue.
Thats how much determination it is going to take to recover enough to R. You dont have to be there right away, you have been sick in the head for so long. Its like a cancer in your lungs- not going to heal over night. But for pete's sake, stop smoking the cigarettes!
Are you really wanting to get well? Before you can, your motivation has to be there. You can white knuckle it all you like, but I will bet next years bonus you will wind up in the same spot again with another AP ere long.
Do you want to get well? Ir do you just want to make the current discomfort go away?
Please answer that for yourself honestly. There is no shame in not wanting to fix the M. However, your BW deserves to know that so she can get on with her life amd find peace.
And seriously, worrying about how someone feels when you block them on social media? What are here, 12?!? Get over it! She will!
WW/BW Dday July 2019. BH/WH- multiple EA's. Ending current one of his own accord- recognized it as "inappropriate" and stopping. Still won't call them A's... can't have everything in life.
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
humantrampoline ( member #61458) posted at 1:31 PM on Tuesday, May 24th, 2022
I have a slightly different view on this. It sounds like you are struggling with how you feel about your AP and what that means for the future of your marriage or your relationship with your previous AP.
I think this is a topic you should discuss with your wife. Let her know what you have done and what you are thinking about it. Live your life and relationships in an honest manner, and they will be more rewarding and fulfilling.
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