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Newest Member: Gtacch

Just Found Out :
Almost 3 months ago…

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 Internalstrugglesarereal (original poster new member #80308) posted at 8:17 PM on Tuesday, May 10th, 2022

In 2016 she had a ONS with a guy. We’ve been in a monogamous relationship since 2015. She never told me she had a ONS, and told everyone that knew not to tell me. 6 people.
A friend that worked at the bank with her, and her boyfriend, her sister, her sister’s boyfriend, and her dad.

The amount of disgust that I have that I have been lied to for that long, and the amount of secrecy surrounding this is beyond absurd. The sisters then boyfriend messaged me years later, telling me about this incident. She wasn’t even the one that told me. I had to confront her about the entire thing.

The short story is, this is an island town and everyone knows everyone, she had too much to drink, and claims she was black out drunk, but seems to remember most everything but the act. She was coherent enough to tell him to put a condom on, supposedly. I always had my suspicion that this happened, but never pressed. Maybe I should have. Instant regret there. I’m angry at myself for not doing so. So because of this, my mind races that this could have happened more than once. I really have no idea.
She had the nerve to be friends with him on FB, and comment on his stuff. He’s now blocked. It’s almost seems like a bit of pride that she slept with him, waiving it in my face occasionally with out being suspicious. She claims regret, and she’s "moved on" from the incident, and yet here I am to deal with all of the pieces, and I am supposed to carry on my "normal life" like it never happened. She wants to stay with me, and knows it was a mistake, but I am convinced she wasn’t going to tell me. How much more is she hiding? How do I trust her again?
I’m devastated, I want to cheat back and not tell her. She wants to stay, she wants to change, but it’s been almost 3 months, and it seems like things that she wanted to change is going back to exactly what our relationship used to be. Non communicative, less love making, and on her terms. It’s always on her terms, and never what I want.
Should I start making threats that I want to leave if she doesn’t put forth effort into us?

Secondly, the mind movies, I wish I could make them stop, and saw the post about them, but it’s really difficult. I’m most frustrated that because she’s "buried" this lie for so long, and she’s over it already I am not. I keep reliving that night and everything that happened. I have the memories, she doesn’t have the same vivid quality memories that I have. I can recall stupid shit from 3 years ago that’s what what makes this harder.
She called me on the phone that night and she was acting like we were breaking up, I haven’t forgotten. Also have never forgotten the "are you awake" text. Seems like a test to see if she could get away with it. My mind is not my friend.
I want to move forward and pretend this never happened, but the memory of that night I can’t stop replaying.
I try to talk to her about having a bad day, only to be dismissed that I’m "reliving the past" and not moving forward. How do I cope with this? How do I move forward in a positive outcome?
I need a perspective if it’s a good idea to stay or go. Is it worth it? Could this happen again? Would she forgive me if I did the same thing? She claims she would.
My single most determining factor is, she lied to me about this incident for over 7 years almost, and I firmly believe that she wasn’t going to tell me. Ever. Is it worth staying? Or is my mind clouded, and I should leave?

posts: 7   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2022   ·   location: Michigan
id 8734559
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GoldenR ( member #54778) posted at 8:45 PM on Tuesday, May 10th, 2022

Telling you to get over it is not a sign of remorse. It's a sign of her wanting control.

There is no reconciling with the unremoresful. Sure, you can stay with her if you rugsweep. But that's just asking for a lifetime of pain.

For her she cheated years ago. For you it just happened.

I'd tell her what you require of her. If she can't agree with any part of it, then I'd separate.

posts: 2708   ·   registered: Aug. 22nd, 2016   ·   location: South Texas
id 8734566
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 8:51 PM on Tuesday, May 10th, 2022

Hi, welcome to SI. So sorry you find yourself here.

On my way out, my question is are you sure this is the only time she cheated? Is she willing to take a polygraph?

Just finding out, whether it happened years ago or a week ago, it's still the same trauma. The person you trusted to have your back stabbed it.

It doesn't sound like she is willing to put the effort in to help you heal or even be sympathetic to this emotional roller coaster.

Please check out the Healing Library, chock full of great articles.

Find a good IC for yourself to help you work through this nightmare. It's going to take years, not weeks or months to move beyond the pain. Are you sleeping and eating and keeping yourself hydrated? Might want to check in with your doctor as well.

BTW, how old were the two of you when you decided to be exclusive?

posts: 11506   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8734567
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asc1226 ( member #75363) posted at 8:51 PM on Tuesday, May 10th, 2022

Sorry you find yourself here.

She’s had seven years to deal with this but for you this might as well happened the day you found out. That’s seven years of her telling herself it’s not that bad, it was only once, and it was probably your fault anyway because didn’t buy her flowers or forgot to put the lid down or didn’t fold the laundry correctly or any of the the other bullshit waywards tell themselves.

If she follows the usual pattern it may be months to a year or more before she gets an idea of the trauma she’s caused and starts showing true remorse, if ever. By then there’s a good chance you won’t give a damn, the damage will be too much and you’ll just want out.

You don’t mention marriage or kids or owning a house together. If that’s the case and she doesn’t start seeing the light soon you may want to explore if this is a dealbreaker sooner rather than later.

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 438   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8734568
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 Internalstrugglesarereal (original poster new member #80308) posted at 9:03 PM on Tuesday, May 10th, 2022

Telling you to get over it is not a sign of remorse. It's a sign of her wanting control.

There is no reconciling with the unremoresful.

This is what I’m most concerned with the most.

BTW, how old were the two of you when you decided to be exclusive?

I was 34 she was 28. I literally relocated my entire life to another state for her.

I am eating and drinking, sporadically. I know I have to look out for myself, I’m doing the best I can. I'm really trying extremely hard to not use alcohol as a crutch, and I’m a never drinker.

Everything is in my name, for the simple fact, that I never thought that I could fully trust her, because of what I went through with my ex wife. So I learned a little there from the past, and she would be homeless if this relationship ended. We have one child together, but to me it’s a non variable, I would claim custody. For the simple fact that the other 3 are not mine. I’m really trying not to be a jerk about any of this, but she doesn’t make this easy, by dismissing my mindless runaway thoughts. She claims she "just wants to have a good day with me" but to me that invalidates any terrible thoughts I can have, because she wants to have a good day.

posts: 7   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2022   ·   location: Michigan
id 8734569
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fareast ( Guide #61555) posted at 9:37 PM on Tuesday, May 10th, 2022

Have her read: “How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair”, by McDonald. An excellent short read. Also read in the healing library. She is shutting down your pain, because to show empathy and compassion for your pain, would cause her to have to face her own shame and guilt for what she has done. Humility is crucial starting point for a WS. Good luck.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3121   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8734572
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 9:50 PM on Tuesday, May 10th, 2022

She has three other children from a previous marriage and you have one together, so four in total?

What happened in her prior relationships? Any history of cheating?

posts: 11506   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8734575
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Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 10:04 PM on Tuesday, May 10th, 2022

Are you two married ? She's now a proven cheater and liar, I suggest you get tested for STDs/STIs and get a DNA/paternity test on your child, like you and others mentioned, this may not be her first rodeo, plus she kept in touch with AP much longer after the incident so why stop at "just once" btw "just one/twice" along with "we're just friends" are at the very top of the chart of the chart of cheaters'lies, consult an attorney for child custody and don't forget to get tested for STDs/STIs (Some STDs/STIs can be transmitted by saliva and could remain dormant for years), oh I almost forgot "we used protection" is another lie right up there with the other 3 I mentioned before.

posts: 2588   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8734577
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ShutterHappy ( member #64318) posted at 10:08 PM on Tuesday, May 10th, 2022

You have to talk to a lawyer to know what D would look like. You would likely get shared custody of your child, it doesn’t matter if she had 3 prior.

You need to see a doctor, for STD tests (she might had had more than one ONS and he wore a condom, yeah they all say that). You could get a prescription to help you sleep.

Seek out support from friends and family.

You can deal with an A through either R or D. However, your GF is not remorseful at this point, so your best option is to start the path of D. Ask her to move out for a while (if the lawyer says you can do so), so you have time away from her to process this. At a minimum, separate bedrooms.

Post often, you’ll get a gold mine of advice here from people who went through the same thing.

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1533   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8734579
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 10:35 PM on Tuesday, May 10th, 2022

I am so sorry for you. Knowing the # of people who knew and didn’t tell you is bad enough, but her Dad? And her Sister? That is pretty awful.

Sometimes cheating is a deal breaker. If you married her after the cheating occurred then you really got a raw deal. Because you may not have stayed with her or married her had you known what happened.

I can tell you something similar happened to me. My H had a 4 year EA with a girl he knew. Refused to end it. Refused to admit it. However he admitted to his last OW that he cheated on me with the first OW.

Sooooo he’d admit it to some one else but not me.

I have some resentment about that b/c I KNEW what was going on. He just thought he was smarter than me and didn’t need to admit anything.

Funny enough the first OW emailed him at exactly the wrong time. I almost threw him out that night.

Maybe some professional help may be needed. For you.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11852   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8734584
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Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 11:15 PM on Tuesday, May 10th, 2022

She’s a proven liar and can’t be trusted.

I strongly recommend that she write a timeline about the ONS (everything) and that you verify that timeline against a polygraph. The polygraph should also include a question about whether she’s cheated in addition to the ONS.

If she wants to save the marriage she will relish the chance to prove herself by taking the poly. If she refuses, I think you have your answer about whether this was a one time thing snd whether she actually cares about you snd the M.

posts: 401   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8734598
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src9043 ( member #75367) posted at 12:08 AM on Wednesday, May 11th, 2022

It would be a good idea to find out exactly what you are dealing with by requiring her to submit to a polygraph in order to determine if this was more than an ONS and whether there have been other APs. If she refuses to submit to this simple act, I would say goodbye and don't look back. At that point, see a lawyer in order to deal with child custody and support issues.

The bottom line is that if her behavior is a dealbreaker, so be it. Move on. That is your call. Again, it is paramount that you find out the level of her betrayal throughout your relationship for you to make an intelligent decision.

If you want to reconcile, your WP must do a host of things to make herself a safe partner. Presently, it seems that all she is interested in doing is rug sweeping the ONS. Her behavior, which included throwing the possible affair in your face, would anger me to no end. That would be enough for me to send her packing.

posts: 622   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8734603
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 12:54 AM on Wednesday, May 11th, 2022

I realize that we are throwing ideas out for you to think about but I disagree about a poly. If your SO won’t tell you everything, if she acts like it is no big deal, then a poly isn’t going to change her character. She lied for seven years and got people you knew to lie by omission. This is not the sign of a caring partner.

I think a trip to the dr, even at this late date, and a consultation with a lawyer, will give you time to decide the direction you need to take.

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 3296   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8734608
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pureheartkit ( member #62345) posted at 2:00 AM on Wednesday, May 11th, 2022

Yep, classic long time ago why worry be happy. If it was so nothing then why get everyone to hide it and go on as if everything was great. She doesn't want to face the damage she's done. Yes it's super real for you. All the past comes back clearly as your mind puts the information together. Mine would not say much either. He just sat there watching me cry waiting for things to calm down. Probably afraid I'd uncover more about him. Finally I figured out nothing would change and I packed up and left all I loved. That didn't create any great effort on his part but he is sitting pretty not like your W who has much to lose. You might get a big response and emotional outburst if you tell her your out.

Your suffering is real. If she minimizes it, that's not a good sign.

Thank you everyone for your wisdom and healing.

posts: 2322   ·   registered: Jan. 19th, 2018
id 8734615
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HalfTime2017 ( member #64366) posted at 2:31 AM on Wednesday, May 11th, 2022

You're not married, I would move on. Why waste more time on someone that's not faithful. Cmon, have some self worth and find a better gal.

If you stay and get married, this will always linger. How are you going to deal with her sister? How will you deal with that friend at work? How are you going to deal with her Dad? He fucken betrayed you too? You gonna call him Dad at some point?

I say screw that shit. Sounds like your GF is a liar, and would have took this to the grave with her. Not a good sign of a good person. I'd let them all know that now that you found out, you've decided to move on. End of story and much more respect coming to your corner. Others on that small island will hear about this as well, and you will be looking a lot better than that clan.

posts: 1312   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8734621
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ramius ( member #44750) posted at 5:37 AM on Wednesday, May 11th, 2022

It’s almost seems like a bit of pride that she slept with him, waiving it in my face occasionally with out being suspicious. She claims regret,

This is a parade of red flags. Ignore them at your own peril.

How many scars have you rationalized because you loved the person who was holding the knife?

Their actions reveal their intentions. Their words conceal them.

posts: 1622   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2014
id 8734643
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ramius ( member #44750) posted at 5:46 AM on Wednesday, May 11th, 2022

Sounds like she needs you to be the dutiful plow horse. Stuff your feelings, pay the bill’s, don’t ask for sex. That is her idea of “a good day with you”

and she would be homeless if this relationship ended

Well it seems like her sister and dad are firmly in her corner, they can take her and her 3 kids in.

How many scars have you rationalized because you loved the person who was holding the knife?

Their actions reveal their intentions. Their words conceal them.

posts: 1622   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2014
id 8734647
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seaandsun ( new member #79952) posted at 10:18 AM on Wednesday, May 11th, 2022

She had the nerve to be friends with him on FB, and comment on his stuff. He’s now blocked.
It’s almost seems like a bit of pride that she slept with him,

Do you believe that they only have 1 ons after writing this?

The best part of small places is that they see it day/week even if they don't want to. celebrations, marriages, church, sports, school, bar, restaurant, they meet everywhere.

A secret that everyone knows in your small town, only they kept from you. They are trying to control you.

It's better for your sanity if you break up with her.

posts: 33   ·   registered: Feb. 16th, 2022
id 8734656
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 12:57 PM on Wednesday, May 11th, 2022

If she had real regret and remorse she would not have been friends with him On social media.

I’m So sorry for you.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11852   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8734664
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bob7777 ( new member #79867) posted at 2:48 PM on Wednesday, May 11th, 2022

I get you, I'd advise you to face it and come to terms with everything what happened. Then decide whether you want to continue or to do something new. If you try to push it to the side and ignore it, rug sweep it, short term it might work, but as soon times get rocky or you even part ways then there will be times where you'll pray that you should've faced it and got closure.

posts: 12   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2022
id 8734671
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