Almost 3 months ago…
In 2016 she had a ONS with a guy. We’ve been in a monogamous relationship since 2015. She never told me she had a ONS, and told everyone that knew not to tell me. 6 people.
A friend that worked at the bank with her, and her boyfriend, her sister, her sister’s boyfriend, and her dad.
The amount of disgust that I have that I have been lied to for that long, and the amount of secrecy surrounding this is beyond absurd. The sisters then boyfriend messaged me years later, telling me about this incident. She wasn’t even the one that told me. I had to confront her about the entire thing.
The short story is, this is an island town and everyone knows everyone, she had too much to drink, and claims she was black out drunk, but seems to remember most everything but the act. She was coherent enough to tell him to put a condom on, supposedly. I always had my suspicion that this happened, but never pressed. Maybe I should have. Instant regret there. I’m angry at myself for not doing so. So because of this, my mind races that this could have happened more than once. I really have no idea.
She had the nerve to be friends with him on FB, and comment on his stuff. He’s now blocked. It’s almost seems like a bit of pride that she slept with him, waiving it in my face occasionally with out being suspicious. She claims regret, and she’s "moved on" from the incident, and yet here I am to deal with all of the pieces, and I am supposed to carry on my "normal life" like it never happened. She wants to stay with me, and knows it was a mistake, but I am convinced she wasn’t going to tell me. How much more is she hiding? How do I trust her again?
I’m devastated, I want to cheat back and not tell her. She wants to stay, she wants to change, but it’s been almost 3 months, and it seems like things that she wanted to change is going back to exactly what our relationship used to be. Non communicative, less love making, and on her terms. It’s always on her terms, and never what I want.
Should I start making threats that I want to leave if she doesn’t put forth effort into us?
Secondly, the mind movies, I wish I could make them stop, and saw the post about them, but it’s really difficult. I’m most frustrated that because she’s "buried" this lie for so long, and she’s over it already I am not. I keep reliving that night and everything that happened. I have the memories, she doesn’t have the same vivid quality memories that I have. I can recall stupid shit from 3 years ago that’s what what makes this harder.
She called me on the phone that night and she was acting like we were breaking up, I haven’t forgotten. Also have never forgotten the "are you awake" text. Seems like a test to see if she could get away with it. My mind is not my friend.
I want to move forward and pretend this never happened, but the memory of that night I can’t stop replaying.
I try to talk to her about having a bad day, only to be dismissed that I’m "reliving the past" and not moving forward. How do I cope with this? How do I move forward in a positive outcome?
I need a perspective if it’s a good idea to stay or go. Is it worth it? Could this happen again? Would she forgive me if I did the same thing? She claims she would.
My single most determining factor is, she lied to me about this incident for over 7 years almost, and I firmly believe that she wasn’t going to tell me. Ever. Is it worth staying? Or is my mind clouded, and I should leave?
51 comments posted: Thursday, May 12th, 2022
