SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You are with someone who has cheated in every other relationship she has had. She has cheated on you. Why do you believe that in all the time you have been with her she has had only one ONS?

A polygraph is absolutely essential. You need to know as much of the truth as possible before deciding whether to reconcile. Polygraphs are not perfect but they can force "parking lot" confessions. Also, her reaction to having to take a polygraph could tell you quite a bit as to whether she is withholding information concerning other liaisons. It is a minimal consequence for cheating. She should welcome the opportunity to allay your suspicions by willingly taking the exam.

Do not marry her and certainly don't have more children. She is a bad bet to stay true to you given the history you know. Who knows what she is hiding?

I’ve been thinking about sleeping with someone else, just to make these feelings go away. If I do, should I tell her? What do other people do sometimes?

Hi OP.

You've mentioned this in a couple of posts. This topic is taboo here at SI, this website is anti-infidelity including revenge affairs... I know this because I was warned by a moderator not to discuss it.

Having a revenge affair won't get rid of the feelings. It complicates everything making a bad situation worse.

I apologize for mentioning an affair, it’s just a lot of thoughts mixed up, not knowing what to do, how to manage my emotions, and whether anyone had advice not to do it, or do it.
Seems like the general consensus is that it’s a terrible idea. While it probably is, doesn’t mean someone doesn’t struggle with the thought, even if it’s a destructive decision.

We talked a lot, rehashed the situation again, and she still says sorry, and wants to make up for what she did.
Is there a something that she could do that tells me she really is? More sex?

I think if I need more of something out of our relationship it needs to be stated now. Or I need to move on. My other concerns are, if she’s truly sorry, her better and changed behaviors need to be maintained, meaning she really means it, verifying that she is remorseful.

I’m trying to work it out, but the mind movies haven’t stopped, and it’s difficult to be disconnected, while trying to reconnect at the same time.

I apologize for mentioning an affair,

Unnecessary. One way to use SI is to do exactly what you did and are doing - be honest and open about your thoughts and get feedback. Most, if not all of us, would be surprised by a BS who DIDN'T think of an RA as a possible solution.

Is there a something that she could do that tells me she really is? More sex?

I think that the only indicator of true remorse is consistent loving behavior over a long period - think in terms of years, not weeks or months. As you say, 'if she’s truly sorry, her better and changed behaviors need to be maintained, meaning she really means it, verifying that she is remorseful.'

I think if I need more of something out of our relationship it needs to be stated now. Or I need to move on.

Yes and no. The sooner you define what you want from your WS and what you're willing to give to her, the better. But it's not one and done. As time progresses, you change and your W will change. Your wants and needs will change. When they do, your best bet is to renegotiate your M.

Also, sometimes one thinks they want something, but when they get it, they find it doesn't give the payoff they thought they'd get. That's a time for renegotiation, too.

I do believe very strongly that you need to figure out what you want from your WS now and ask for it. If she agrees to give that to you, you can progress together. If she doesn't agree, it's time to split. If she agrees but doesn't deliver, it's probably time to split.

She needs to change from cheater to good partner, and she needs to tell you how she's going to do that. Just saying words is not enough. If she's just saying words without taking concrete steps to change, it's probably time to split - white knuckling is not reliable, and words without action are downright unreliable.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:02 PM, Wednesday, May 18th]

Is there any pattern in when and ow your spouse cheats?

Like this event 7 years ago she says she was drunk.
[I could go on along the limb that if she was black-out drunk then consent isn’t given, and this is technically a rape, but that boat has sailed ages ago IMHO and would only serve to give her an excuse. Personally, I don’t think alcohol can or should be used as an excuse.]

Does she often drink to excess? Even if she does so seldom, does she lose control when excessively drunk? The numerous other times you mention – drunk? Is it all ONS or has she had a long-term affair in the previous relationships?

The reason I’m asking about a pattern is because it might help in realizing WHY she cheats, and that in turn can help in deciding if terminating this relationship or reconciling makes sense.

Am I justified in being extremely firm with this?

You are absolutely setting boundaries and request that help you feel safe.

Look at this point she has had 7 years to tell herself all kinds of lies. She withheld thevteuth from you up until Dday. She lied about something, had you known you may have ended the relationship.

Yeah she cheated 7 years ago. She lied and continues to lie about that in the present.

You cannot trust her without her busting her ass to consistently be authentic in everything she does. If she won't I don't see a point in continuing the relatio ship.

Right now she doesn't believe you will kick her out over this. Why? Because she has had 7 years to convince herself that you won't. Trust me. Her cognitive dissonance wouldn't allow her to be at peace with this without some major mental gymnastics.

She won't change the status quo until she understands that you msy jick her out.

She has to hit rock bortom efore she will want to get better. Maybe seperating from her is a good aay to get some distance and figure out what YOU want.

Hows it going? Still reading here?

There's only one place for a woman like that.. the curb.

[This message edited by Clint at 1:06 PM, Thursday, June 23rd]

Should I start making threats that I want to leave if she doesn’t put forth effort into us?

No, you shouldn't threaten to leave.

You should just leave.

Words mean nothing in this situation. Actions mean everything. She is unremorseful. She will probably cheat again if you stay.

Find another partner who highly values fidelity.

We are not married.

Get away from her as quickly as you can and don't look back.

No, you shouldn't threaten to leave.

You should just leave.

This. Don't converse with her. Just get away.

Also, don't worry about finding someone else. Focus on yourself and getting emotionally healthy after this significant trauma.

[This message edited by NotMyFirstRodeo at 5:36 PM, Sunday, June 26th]

So sorry you are here. How are you holding up?

From what you write it sounds like you are dealing with a master manipulator. I think you should seriously consider that she, being a mother of 3, latched on to you primarily because you ticked the boxes of Stepfather and Provider. Not, First-Choice-Lover. That stings, I know, but truths must be faced. Stop believing anything she says. Just from your posts, she is a liar extraordinaire.

"No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert Glover will help you see why you have tendencies of the Nice Guy Syndrome, if true. And a followup companion book, "No More Mr. Nice Guy - The Hero's Journey" by Michael Parisner is a detailed workbook of steps to break the Nice Guy Syndrome. These two authors will challenge you to drill down into your shame. A resource for that is "Healing the Shame That Binds You" by John Bradshaw. You can find them as audio books on Scribd, an online library. $10/month. first month is free.

Books will not solve this for you though. You will need a good IC to walk you through the trauma and then to help you discover what in the world caused you to think that this obviously broken person was even remotely a good choice for you, i.e. why did you choose her?

Keep posting here. There is much collective experience with this. All the best to you.