drumerboy (original poster new member #59097) posted at 4:39 AM on Tuesday, May 10th, 2022
I still find myself browsing this site when I have bad days. I didn’t even realize until I looked and I just passed my 5 year anniversary of my original d day. My wife and I are still together. We are both still trying to rebuild and maintain our marriage. She seems to still be trying super hard to make things work and I’m super appreciative of the work she puts in. But she also knows I’m still unstable when it comes to that one particular subject. We still avoid movies and shows that we know have unfaithfulness in them. Sometimes it feels like there is always the proverbial "elephant in the room". I find myself constantly wondering if this will ever get back to "normal" or if this IS the new normal. I still find myself swing wildly between being madly attracted to my wife, and then in the next moment, unable to deal with her past transgressions. I ask myself if maybe it’s time to contact the OM and "bury the hatchet". But I still don’t think I could be in a room with him on purpose. And then I realize if I’m mad at him, I should be even more angry with my wife. She is still adamant that she wants to be with me and wants to make it work and won’t even discuss the possibility of us splitting up. She has given me zero reasons to think she has been anything but 100 percent honest with me but I still have problems with assuming the worst if she’s late or suddenly changes plans. I wonder if it’s healthy to have a relationship where I always have one foot out the door: Because I still do everything in my power to make sure I don’t get cheated on again. Is there anyone that is this far out from D day, still in the relationship, and still frequenting this site? How long is too long to try holding on to your marriage?
WhiteCarrera ( member #29126) posted at 5:25 AM on Tuesday, May 10th, 2022
Drumerboy - you are not alone in being five, or even 10, or 13 (in my case) years out from D-day. There will always be good days and bad days, and days that draw you back to this site.
In my case, my gut has always known that my wife was still hiding certain things. Even though all the major details were disclosed long ago, there were certain things she said to put herself in a better light that I knew were not true. It’s as if her pride wouldn’t allow her to come 100% clean, and so she just doubled down, hoping that I would let things drop. Sometimes they just don’t "get it", and don’t understand the way things can linger for years and years.
Obviously I don’t have the answers for you, or a solution; otherwise I wouldn’t still be in the spot I’m in, but good luck to you my friend. Hang in there.
If I want recovery, then I must allow for it to actually happen. Is it possible that I actually do have all the truth now?
me - husband; her - wife, Married 13 years @ D-Day 09-02-2009. Now married 25 years and hanging in there (maybe by a thread someti
ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 6:04 AM on Tuesday, May 10th, 2022
Sometimes it feels like there is always the proverbial "elephant in the room". I find myself constantly wondering if this will ever get back to "normal" or if this IS the new normal.
I'm a little more than seven year out, and yeah.. I do feel like I'm mostly "over it". I remember a few years back that I felt like I needed to exert some mental discipline to honor my choices. It wasn't only about my choice to stay, but also about my choice to believe in my WS, to accept that he would change it all if he had it to do over again, the choice to believe in his remorse, that sort of thing. I had to ask myself if I really believed that he was irredeemable because of what he'd done. And you know, at first you feel like your WS is just dirty. There's an "ick" factor to knowing that they've had sex with someone else and we tend to dehumanize them because of it, I think. But here's the litmus question which made me pull up and question myself as to what my true intentions were... Did I believe that he was "used goods"?
Tough one, right? On the one hand, we're appalled by the stark REALITY of what they've done. We're full of rage and traumatized by the intimacy of the betrayal, and it's a long time processing all that. We've got to figure out who we are and what we want and all those big existential questions which were just dumped unceremoniously into our laps. History isn't going to change. It's for real. And after all that is sorted, or mostly sorted, we're left wondering, just as you've said, if we can REALLY put this behind us. These days, I pretty much think it all comes down to whether or not we can RE-humanize our WS. If we can still value the unique quality of the person in front of us without the need to quantify them as less-than, ie. "used goods". One of the weirdest parts of my WH's betrayal was that even before all of this bad stuff happened, I had always loved him *and* his damage. I could see it and empathize with it, but he couldn't, and he couldn't trust that I really did. There are NO good enough reasons for cheating, but if you can follow along with where your WS's mind went off the rails, it will take you a long ways toward re-humanizing them.
As far as the AP goes, you are at no obligation to ever "bury the hatchet". I hate and despise every OW who ever had relations with my fWH, and frankly, if they all simultaneously burst into flames, I wouldn't lose a moment's peace over it.. and I do feel pretty much healed. This would indicate to me that hating your fWS's AP isn't necessarily an impediment to good healing.
BW: 2004(online EAs),
2014 (multiple PAs)
Married 38 years;
in R with fWH for 7
No one can make you into a liar but you.
Nanatwo ( member #45274) posted at 6:28 AM on Tuesday, May 10th, 2022
I am 8 years post Dday. I don'y think you ever really "get over" the betrayal - you learn to incorporate it in to your life - wether you D or R. We are in reconciliation - just like marriage - reconciliation is an on-going process but I do consider us reconciled for the most part.
Honestly, I have come to realize that there will always be a part of me (a very small part) that I cannot give to him completely. But, I also know if we were to divorce and I met someone else I think there would still be that part of me that I hold back.
When he left me for the AP I thought I would never get over it - I would always be a broken mess. When He asked if we could try R my first instinct was no way. After hours of talking I decided to give R a chance. He has put his heart and soul in to our R - and even though I know he has not cheated again - it is still an area of hurt and pain. fortunately, it is an area that we have both leaned to navigate and the A is just a dark chapter in our life.
Your wife seems to be doing a good job of showing you she is worthy of R. Unfortunately, this is your new "normal". But, it can be a good new "normal" - it is what you make of it.
Like any trauma - there is always going to be triggers. Our darling niece died 20 years ago when she was only 7 of cancer. To this day any show that deals with the death of a child just brings her death back like it was yesterday.
I advise against contacting the OM. You owe him nothing - strive for total indifference. He is not a part of your life anymore and any contact would just bring up hurtful memories you are trying to forget. He is insignificant in the life you are striving to build now. We actually ran into the OW recently and I was amazed at how little it bothered me. I was able to look at her and just turn and walk away.
You hold on to your marriage as long as you feel it is what you want - and only you can answer that. If her infidelity really is a dealbreaker for you - then you have the right to end the marriage. Even if the WS is doing all they can to rebuild the marriage - it is also your marriage and if it is not giving you what you need then it is ok to end it. Remember - you didn't break the marriage - she did. At least you can walk away knowing you gave it your all.
As i said - we are 8 years in to R. We have a good new "normal" and I can now view the A as just a dark chapter in the story of our marriage. I don't feel like I have one foot out the door - I am committed to our marriage - but we both know there will be no second chance if he ever cheats again. That is why I am comfortable with the small part of me that holds back - because it lets me know that I will be ok no matter what happens.
Unfortunately, there are questions only you can answer. Keep posting here and hopefully you will be able to find the peace of mind to accept what ever decision you make.
Wishing you all the best.
Time heals what reason cannot. Seneca
First the truth. Then, maybe, reconciliation. Louise Penny
LIYA13 ( member #62026) posted at 11:02 AM on Tuesday, May 10th, 2022
Im just over 5 years post Dday. Im always on SI here and there as I 'like' reading posts. I also like reading the positive reconciliation stories. I dont think im completely over it. I dont always have triggers but I do have good days and bad days. Agaib like you there are days where I am madly in love with my H and then there are days where I am baffled how he could do this to me. I was and still am completely loyal and devoted to him and this marriage.
Recently I did have a trigger. H was going to a dinner with work colleagues to a restaurant he went to with AP. It was just a nomal convo where I asked him which restaurant he was going to and he replied saying 'the restaurent near work which ive been a couple of times'. The reply kinda got me thiking and I wondered why he had given me a not so straight forward answer. So i asked him an hour later whats the name of the restautant. It is then he told me the name. This brought back horrible memories as we went to the restaurant for our anniversary and it was such an amazing day. Now its a restaurant thats become tainted and I refuse to go. I first told him youre not allowed to go there. He canceled on his team and then they came back to him and said he cant coz there will be senior members there too. Some kind of Annual meeting/celebrarion. What a wonderful place to celebrate in right?
I hate him for what he done to me. Yes, they really dont get it. They dont understant that we will never get over it. It was a dark time for me and it took me years to start loving myself again. I will not let anyone have that control over me again.
Dont get me wrong its not easy living with someone who has ultimately betrayed you. I love him and yes im in love with him and he has done and still does everything to make me feel loved and 'safe' in this marriage however there will always be a tiny part of me that will 'hate' him for what he put me through.
As for contacting the OM. Why? I thought about doing that a few times in the last few years. But I will not give her the satisfaction that this affair is still effecting me. Absolutely no way. I dont owe her anything. She is nothing to me and will never be anything. Just a slag who thought its ok to sleep with a married man. You will always come across people in life that will want to take your peace away. Dont let them. Youre doing well in life. Youre 5 years out and thats not an easy place to get to. Trust me i know. Keep doing what youre doing. If you have bad days just let them be. You cant bottle your feelings so just live those bad days. Hopefully you have more good days that outweigh these horrible days.
Luna10 ( member #60888) posted at 11:28 AM on Tuesday, May 10th, 2022
Almost 5 years out. I’m in a much better place than post dday. I love my WH, he has changed a lot, he is doing everything to still show he’ll never be that man again and that he hasn’t forgotten what he did to me, what he did to us.
Getting over it… to be fair I very soon realised that it will never happen. People don’t get over grief and trauma, whatever that trauma is caused by, they learn to live with it by healing the parts bleeding.
I have mostly good days but the knowledge that he chose to betray me is here to stay. I will never be the same fully trusting woman again and that is regardless of the man standing by my side, I don’t think a new relationship would have wiped off what my WH did.
For me the secret of "getting over it" so to speak was to give myself value again. Remind myself who I am and what I’m made of and once I did that I realised I was pretty awesome. However the more I remembered how awesome I was, the crazier it felt that my WH would choose to betray me.
So then I decided to get off my high horse. To allow for human error, to remind myself that even myself, in all my awesomeness 😅, I’m not perfect. People make the wrong choices. People are redeemable if they are showing strong signs of wanting to be redeemed.
Will I ever look at my WH the same way as prior to his affair? No, the pedestal has collapsed and it’s broken forever. I am able to love him though knowing he is a broken person who has worked hard (joined me to hell and back through this journey) to prove he is worth my presence in his life.
And in the meantime I love myself enough to also know that if he turns up to be a bigger disappointment than I thought, I can hold my head high and accept that I am a good person who offered a second chance in good faith.
BW - 38 at the time of the A
WH - 45 at the time of the A
Dday - 27/9/2017
survrus ( member #67698) posted at 7:24 PM on Tuesday, May 10th, 2022
You wrote, I ask myself if maybe it’s time to contact the OM and "bury the hatchet".
I think it will give you some answers, and the more answers you have the closer you are to the truth.
Even if OM lies or minimizes it still tells a story.
I spoke with OM1 and I didn't get to ask the questions I wanted to, I am still glad I did, more data is better data.
Did your WW ever write out a detailed timeline, and did she ever take a polygraph.
This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 7:49 PM on Tuesday, May 10th, 2022
I think it's like a major wound. It's going to continue to have little spurts of pain. You won't forget it. But eventually it doesn't hurt to poke at it.
2.5 years post day here.
[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 7:49 PM, Tuesday, May 10th]
Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.
Oldwounds ( member #54486) posted at 8:15 PM on Tuesday, May 10th, 2022
How long is too long to try holding on to your marriage?
As always, that’s up to you.
I can’t do one foot out the door. I tried that, before and after my wife’s shitty choices.
For me, if I chose to stay, it had to be for something better than the relationship we had before.
The toughest part of any R, is for both people to choose to be all in and vulnerable with the other. But being all in and vulnerable, are the only reasons to be together, at least for me, at this point in my life.
All trauma stays with us in some form, so I doubt it ever completely goes away, but six years later it hurts far less than it did.
Between infidelity and the pandemic, I don’t know if "normal" is a real thing. Life is a series of changes and adjustments on the fly.
You don’t owe your wife a last chance. You are free to pick any path you WANT.
I know where the front door is, and it will always be there if I want to go.
However, if you stay, I think both people have to put the effort in to rebuild the relationship worthy of your time.
I don’t ever let it be an elephant, if I have a lingering question or doubt, I ask. If some random horrible memory pops in my head, I tell her.
Married 34+ years, together 40+ years
Two awesome adult sons.
Dday 6/16 4-year LTA Survived
Restoration takes time.
"Circumstances don't make the man, they only reveal him to himself." ― Epictetus
Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 8:25 PM on Tuesday, May 10th, 2022
Tough question. I don't think you get over it but you can get through it.
Last year - at 4 years from DDay1, 3 years from DDays 2/3 I finally and spontaneously felt a wave of forgiveness for WH wash over me. I felt complete again. I felt we were complete again. I felt that yes, while this happened, we had overcome it together and move forward to our future together.
Then...shortly after...I discovered fake profiles by LTAP attempting to reach out to WH and had definitely been stalking both of us every since DDays 2/3. It was very unsettling. I exposed to OBS, informed WH and WH had an Attorney draft a Cease and Desist. After hearing the story of their LTA, getting caught, going underground and all the cyberstalking/trying to copy our lives/fake profiles - the attorney nicknamed her Fatal Attraction.
I've been diagnosed with PTSD and back in IC ever since.
I have been in a quasi funk ever since. I'm confident in me. I'm a BASGU [Bad Ass Sparkly Goddess Unicorn] and I know my worth. And much like Luna10 I know that if WH ever blew my chance to prove himself to me once again - I could look myself in the mirror and know I did everything in my power and he was the one that f'd it up.
I also know if I'm being perfectly straight - I resent like Hell the fact that in spite of all obstacles I made it to the other side and planted the flag so to speak - only to have LTAP just knock me back to square 1 in many ways with her Bunny Boiler tendencies. We've moved on and she just won't let it go. And I have to traverse it all [stages of grief/POLF/sucky reality] again.
All that to say I do believe you can make it through to the other side. And no matter what your life looks like when you do - you can thrive. You'll realize how far you've come out of the blue and it will be an epiphany of sorts. You can and will thrive.
BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decades - Children (1 still at home)
Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBS in 2018
Cease & Desist sent spring 2021
"Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"
numb&dumb ( member #28542) posted at 8:31 PM on Tuesday, May 10th, 2022
I am more than ten years past my Dday.
You learn to incorporate it into the history of your life. IC was key to that for me. I can't change the past, but I can change the future.
I've worked very hard to address all of my past trauma. I've made peace with most of it including my W's A.
My wife is beyond grateful that I was strong enough to wait for her to dig out of the hole ahe put herself in.
She doesn't like talking about the A, but it is an open topic for us to discuss at any time. We've talked about it to the point that it doesn't have the power over each of us like it once did (different power for each of us)
The thing is that I have reframed that period of my life. I now see someonw who was strong, brave, saw things bigger than myself, I was gracious and forgiving.
That guy was, and is still, awesome
My wife always says tbat her A showed the worst parts of her. She has worked very hard on changing those things to be worthy of being my wife. She also says that her A and our R showed the absolute best parts of me and she can't believe she almost lost me.
You have to do the work on you and find a way to make peace with your past. Life is too short to always be looking backward. IC worked well for me and helped me focus on being the best version of myself. I was also horribly co-dependent. I exist independently and choose to be M to my FWW. If I decide that my M is not what I want then I will leave said M. It is a promise I made to myself. I am not planning on dong so, but I never thought I'd be posting to an online forum committed to healing from infidelity. The M forever bullshit doesn't work. I, for one, don't plan on living that long.
I look in the mirror and love what I see. Surprisingly once I got there my W's A did not seem like a big deal anymore. Granted my W busted her ass to work on her character and show me that she loves and respects me everyday.
People can change.
I am no longer afraid of things in my past. They can only hurt me if I give them the power to do so.
Dday 8/31/11. EA/PA. Lied to for 3 years.
Bring it, life. I am ready for you.
WishidleftHer ( member #78703) posted at 10:52 PM on Tuesday, May 10th, 2022
We've been married 49 years. It's been over thirty years since d-day and it sometimes feels like it was yesterday. You never get over the fact that you were lied to by the one person you thought you could trust with your life.
Me: BH 71. Her: WW 67 Dday over 35 years ago and still feels like yesterday.
waitedwaytoolong ( member #51519) posted at 1:50 AM on Wednesday, May 11th, 2022
I kept waiting and waiting to get to the point where I would finally get over it. Like your wife, mine was text book pretty much in doing anything and everything to move us forward. But in reality there was nothing she could do. I told her when I finally pulled the plug we were doomed the second she slept with him the second time. I have been around and saw enough that one time things can happen, but a fu*king him again went beyond the point for me where it couldn’t be justified as a mistake. I was actually telling her this to try to give her credit for the work and effort she put in, but she really didn’t see it like that. She still saw our future as something that could be great. I saw another 30 years of thinking about what they had done. It is really painful to walk away from a truly remorseful spouse. Even after all these years I’m haunted by crying and begging. Broke my heart
However, the affair for me was like Muzak. You could ride the elevator sometimes and never hear it, other times it was all you heard. But the thing about the Muzak is it’s always there. It permeated my being. I think the people that successfully reconcile can tune out the noise in their head. It takes time and a remorseful spouse, but it can be done. Just not by everyone. You need to do what is best for you and your family.
I am the cliched husband whose wife had an affair with the electrician
jb3199 ( member #27673) posted at 8:29 PM on Thursday, May 12th, 2022
Look at all the posts that the members have posted, and it will tell you ONE THING with certainty: Everybody is different. What works for one person may not work for another.
I can say this--in my opinion, we, the betrayed have to take full responsibility for our decisions. We tend to give ourselves some grace when we are close to Dday, but after a bit, we have to own our choice to go....or stay. Your wife is apparently putting in the effort, so it's not like she is going to have some epiphany that moves your mindset.
She's doing, by your words, all that she can, so it is up to YOU to get yourself in a good headspace. I'm many years out, but I'm comfortable in my own skin NOT for how I acted prior, but for how I act now, and how I believe I will act in the future. One foot out TV he door will get you to a marriage where you have one foot out the door. If you want a closer relationship, and your wife is already all in, well, that leaves the ball entirely in your court. Divorce isn't the wrong answer, nor is reconciliation, as long as you are committed to such. Staying in the middle will keep you right where you are at today.
Married almost 30yrs.
All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14
src9043 ( member #75367) posted at 1:36 AM on Friday, May 13th, 2022
I felt dead inside after my ex-WW's first affair. Unfortunately, it was rug swept big time with the help of an incompetent MC. Also, she never changed her flirtatious behavior and became even more of a narcissist. So there was no way on earth I could heal. I used to tell myself that I am play acting like our marriage was back on track and that I was over her affair. All the while, I waited for some level of feelings to return. It never happened and I caught her again six years later. Mercifully, the marriage ended then.
That is my story. The bottom line is that everyone is different. The nature and extent of the affair could also play into how difficult it is to sufficiently heal. It will leave a scar. I have read stories where the BS regrets staying decades after D Day. On the other hand, you will read in this forum BSs who seem to have sufficiently healed and are happy with their choice to stay with their spouse. Unfortunately, infidelity is a gift that keeps on giving.
WTAF ( member #79274) posted at 5:40 AM on Friday, May 13th, 2022
Over it? I don't think so. Through it. Yes
Like other sources of trauma and grief in my life, infidelity is a part of my story. The sadness and sense of loss is a part of me. In the same way that I am not "over" the loss of my dad and my grandparents, I am not "over" the losses that came with betrayal.
I have come through the shock and humiliation. The sadness is no longer overwhelming and all-consuming. The grief is always under the surface. Some days it sinks pretty deep and is barely a blip on my radar. Other days it rises up closer to the surface and I fall into it for a while. But most days it is somewhere in between.
Edited for typo
[This message edited by WTAF at 10:12 PM, Friday, May 13th]
Hippo16 ( member #52440) posted at 7:00 PM on Friday, May 13th, 2022
Nanatwo said well enough:
I am 8 years post Dday. I don't think you ever really "get over" the betrayal - you learn to incorporate it in to your life - whether you D or R. We are in reconciliation - just like marriage - reconciliation is an on-going process but I do consider us reconciled for the most part.
short story - sort of how I 'remember'
When I was small - sitting in a child-size chair - Grandmother fumbled a pot of boiling water and dumped on me. I have scars on the top of my feet to remind me of the physical damage. I no longer remember the physical pain - but I still see the scars every time I look at my feet to wash/get dressed or just sitting in a lawn chair in the Summer wearing only sandals.
So it is with the memory of her "mistake" (another discussion) I remember the happening and I remember the pain but remembering the pain is not the same as BEING in pain.
The 'getting over' is a permanent loss of trust. A permanent attention to any kind of behavior that can be remotely construed as something a betrayer would do.
Recent incident: She has a 'movie night' with a friend/neighbor of somewhat dubious morals. That is OK. Wait-What? goes over to friends house @ 7- 8 PM.
I do my thing at home. Come midnight, "Must be good movie(s)!" 1 AM ??? 2 AM ??? 4 AM! WTF? Wondering if ?? bad happened or they got snockered out of their senses. Call - RNA, Crap - a few minutes later she drives into carport. Some words exchanged. She hops straight into shower. I get her drawers to do "Checkmate" but they are clean. Did she? and use protection? More words exchanged. She gives me Silent Treatment for a few days.
OK - see comment above regarding trust. Deal with the legacy wife.
Discussion sometime in near future - considering how ones behavior affects the other spouse. If I was passive-aggressive I would tell her I'm going to play poker with some friends. And stay gone till the Rooster Crows. "How do like that wife?"
Nah - not that kind of person -
And times I think of past life and a bit of sadness happens when the thought of her "fun" comes to mind. Good reason to avoid the Jameson as that exacerbates the sadness.
drummerboy by choosing to stay you have to do as Nanatwo posted
ShockedAndShattered ( new member #79685) posted at 7:22 PM on Friday, May 13th, 2022
I am so sorry you are going through this.
I am 8 months out from original Dday but I just got major trickle truth dropped on me again a month ago. I can't tell you how long it takes to get over it because I'm not even close.
However, I can tell you that contacting the AP is a terrible idea. Don't EVER let the AP know they are still affecting you, that they ever affected you, that they ever mattered. Because THEY DON'T. Don't give the AP the satisfaction of knowing that he's still in your head and in the middle of your marriage. I have been thiiiiiiiiis close to contacting my WH's main AP now that I know most of the truth but I refrain because I don't want her to think she matters. At all. I don't want her to know that it took my WH 7 months to admit what he did with her. I don't want her to know that 8 months later, I am still struggling. She's not worth ANY of my time or energy. She's a miserable person with an equally miserable life. I want it to stay that way.
I wish you the best of luck and I hope that you find peace in your heart and in your marriage.
BS(me):42 WH:43 Married 3 years @ 1st DD
DDay 1- 9/11/2021 EA 5+ yrs & lies TT
DDay 2- 9/23/2021 EA 2+ years & lies TT
DDay 3- 10/17/2021 EAs 1.5 yrs/5+ yrs
DDay 4- 04/11/2022 Confirmed PA w/1 EA
Currently in R