SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

1 out of 3 of my kids bothered to tell me Happy Mother’s Day yesterday.

(The one that is incarcerated.)

I went to visit my grand baby yesterday. I haven’t seen him since Christmas...one or the other of us has been sick. He was 2 in February. When he saw me yesterday, he started sobbing, ran into his room and hid behind his door. 😞

I saw my son for the first time in 6 months. On a video call from jail. It was good to see him in real time, but so hurtful, too. And it hasn’t helped that I have been watching "Jail" on TV.

My H goes in on Wednesday to get a skin cancer removed.

His urine has been turning weird colors. 😯. I’ll send in a sample.

The thing that is killing me right now is my "relationship " with my H. I have chosen to stay with him to take care of him. But it is getting to where I am so angry ALL THE TIME. He will ask for tons of water late in the evening, then is waking me up every 1 1/2 - 2 hours to pee all night long. Then he sleeps all day while I have things to do, or I just can’t sleep.

He says he wants me to take care of him, but treats me like a slave. When I went to a funeral out of town last month, he did not do that to his sister the whole 5 days she was taking care of him. Also, he simply won’t talk to me. It’s like I’m not a person. And when I confront him about it, and ask him why, he says, "I don’t know". I’m so angry. Just so angry.

He has begun to talk with his nephew for lllooonnnggg periods time on the phone. This is a nephew who tore up 2 of our homes while we were letting him live there. I had to pay about $75,000 to renovate them in order to be able to sell them. He also used to call me and tell me how women loved him so much cause he could "go all night". I told my husband about it, and he had nothing to say. One time I left my mother-in-law‘s home. He came out to the van and asked where I thought I was going. I told him that I was taking my son away and I wanted him to stay away from him. He told me there was nothing that I could do to keep him away from my son and he can say whatever he wanted to to him. He’s a drug addict and an alcoholic and mentally ill. And my husband would not say a word against him for $1 million, even if it meant "choosing" him over me.

His mother, my H’s sister, comes to us from time to time to ask for money. She doesn’t work and is somewhat disabled, but she owns a two lot property with a home on it in our hometown, and where she lives a couple of hours away, she has 20 acres of property. But she doesn’t want to sell any of that. So she comes to us for money.

I know we will never be "married" again, but why can’t their be some kind of kindness to get through this situation??? I will ask him when he calls me into the room in the middle of the night, could you please tell me everything that you need so that I won’t have to get up so often. He doesn’t answer me. Then when I go back into the adjoining room to try to lie down and sleep some more, he will ask me to please turn him. Then I go back and lie down for three minutes and then he calls me back in to please get some more water, or to take the blanket off of him, or to put the blanket on him. Or to hand him the remote.

I am getting so angry with him I’ve been saying mean things. I can’t imagine that there could be any type of relationship with him except some kind of kindness, and some kind of recognition on his part that I am a person of worth..

Recently, I happened upon a song/blessing I heard that really touched me. It mirrored exactly what I thought was what he needed at this point. So I asked our ministers from our church to come in and give him a blessing. Then I ask the ministers from the church where he grew up which is a different faith, to come in and do an anointing. Both times the blessing was in regards to him deciding to make an effort in life, rather than just laying in the bed EVERY day, ALL day. He was ok with getting the blessings.

Since the blessings… No change whatsoever. But yesterday he asked me if I would please take him to eat out with a friend from his high school. I told him I would take him whereever he wanted me to. But that wasn’t enough. I also have to stay in case he needs some help. Like with eating and cutting food and things like that. So I will stay because he indeed is unable to cut his food, etc.

But I have to be honest. I no longer trust him at all. He knew I was very angry that he was spending so much time on the phone with that nephew. There have been times in our lives that he has turned over a small business to his nephew to run so that he would have an opportunity to succeed in his business life. WITHOUT TELLING ME. And he always runs them into the ground. And when my husband says to him that he can’t help him every month with a supplementary check because the business isnt paying for itself, the nephew says, "then I’ll just go back to selling drugs."

Now, I’m scared to death that my husband will change the beneficiaries on his life insurance policy from me and our children to giving this nephew and God knows who else some of the life insurance policy. I have already told him that if he gives his nephew one more penny of the money that should be given to our children and inherited by our children, that I will leave him no questions asked.

But I have no idea where I would go or how I would live.

I feel like a slave in my own home. I am so upset and angry all the time that I have even become angry lately with my deceased parents, for raising me in such a way that I feel like I want to do the right thing and take care of him at this point in his life. How screwed up is that???

I’m afraid now something is really wrong with me.

I could use some points of view.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 3:28 AM, Tuesday, May 10th]

You won't like what I say..

Divorce him. The attorney can get the insurance policies on the kids,and yourself, awarded to you, so he can't give that money away.

That he managed not to treat his sister atrociously while you were gone,is solid proof that he doesn't need everything he says he needs from you.

Get some earplugs. Make one trip to his room at bed time, take him to the bathroom,and ask if he needs anything else. Then do it. And tell him you will not be back. Go to bed, using your ear plugs. Set your alarm for 3 or 4 hours later, and take him to the bathroom. Then tell him you will see him in the morning. Go to bed,plug your ears,and do just that.

He is deliberately being a jerk to you. It's abuse. Stop tolerating it. YOU MATTER TOO. YOUR HEALTH MATTERS. It's not surprising that you are angry. Anyone would be.

You have committed yourself to a man who doesn't care for you. Divorce him. You will be happier.

[This message edited by HellFire at 2:00 AM, Tuesday, May 10th]

You have clearly taught them all that they matter and you don't. And now they all believe that.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 2:30 AM, Tuesday, May 10th]

Everything HellFire said... +1.

And OwningItNow is right on the money. YOU MATTER TOO. You've given until you break, WR. It's not fair or right. You have such a huge heart... but you have to take care of you.

I am sorry. It is unfortunate and I can imagine how you feel.

You made a choice to stay with your husband. You can choose to stop and live your life.
You can choose to detach and be the caretaker only - and provide your H the same treatment he accepts from others.

It’s up to you. It really is.
Your heart is sooo soo soo big. You do so much for so many others.
It is your turn. Treat yourself as well as you treat others. Love yourself the way you love others. Take care of yourself the way you love others.
You deserve that and so much more.

(((Whatsright)))

The thing that is killing me right now is my "relationship " with my H. I have chosen to stay with him to take care of him...He says he wants me to take care of him, but treats me like a slave.

You are not a slave, you are free. You can leave him. You should leave him. For your own good, please leave him. It is not your responsibility to take care of someone who abuses you. Doing so will not make him love you.

Thanks for all the responses.

Well, I guess divorce is one answer. But we can’t afford to live apart. And, as it was said, I have chosen to stay as caregiver.

But this...

You can choose to detach and be the caretaker only

This is what I’m really focused on. I just don’t know how. Because of the nature of his required care (paralyzed from armpits down) it is difficult to do.

I was just looking for insight.

I respect the whole thing about demanding respect and value, but you don’t do that with young children.

I feel that I work hard to accept the things I cannot change, but then to follow through is what I’m struggling with.

If you divorce,you don't need to worry yourself about what he can afford. You only need to worry about you. He can live in a nursing home. Paid for by the state. Where he will get the round the clock care he needs,and that frankly,isn't something you should be expected to do. You are older. You need to worry about your health. What would happen to him if you die?

BOUNDARIES. BOUNDARIES. BOUNDARIES.

Just read the very opening of Boundaries, by John Townsend. See if it sounds familiar. It did to me.

Schedule the water, don't give him any after 6pm.
Don't give out money to other people.
Schedule the turnings.
Get a monitor, and if your H needs something non-essential, it's "I will be happy to help you with that later, I am resting now."

You have struggled with this stuff for long enough.

The Townsend book will do you good, because you think you are being kind, but you are mostly just torturing yourself. The people you are helping don't appreciate it, and they don't even need the help as much as you think they do. You have given so much that it feels like each ask is a demand and each demand feels so heavy. It's like you are surrounded by vampires. They take your blood, but to them it's just a snack and they are ready to move on. But to you, it's your blood, it's your life. Having boundaries will turn them back into people.

You can afford to live apart if you make that choice. It will mean a different living situation for both of you, but as another poster said, you don't need to take care of him. The government will do that. A bedridden, paralyzed man is not going to be tossed out into the street. He is your abuser, not your friend.

If you choose to stay with him, I understand. I stayed with my abuser for years, and many other women choose to, as well. It's hard to emotionally detach from a person and start a new life independently. But it is possible.

If you choose to stay, do make and keep firm boundaries, so that you're not at his beck and call.

((((((( what's right ))))))))))

You are kind. You are wonderful. You are loving.

I wish they would show some love back.

Agreed that you need to find space for yourself.

I know all you ever wanted was a loving family. You feel angry and that's natural because you're being treated unfairly. I don't want to see you destroyed. People that never give back....I don't think many can change. It's about expectations and disappointment. If you keep hoping and waiting eventually depression comes and anger too. It's telling you you need change in your life. Don't let stress kill you my friend. You could do much good yet. You have already done so much. Self preservation is worthy too.

If you divorce,you don't need to worry yourself about what he can afford. You only need to worry about you.

Respectfully, this is not my point of view. He is my H of 34 years, and the father of my children. I very much care that he can afford certain things, and that he is cared for. And I don’t begrudge doing it - if only we had some sort of relationship.

If you choose to stay, do make and keep firm boundaries, so that you're not at his beck and call.

I guess I haven’t really gone into detail, but since he can only move his head and neck, and partial movement of his arms, someone actually does need to be at his beck and call.

And I cannot limit his water intake, because as a quad, a uti is the #1 cause of death. His water intake is paramount.

I shouldn’t come here and complain. It’s difficult to fully explain what all care his condition requires. And I don’t begrudge the care. I do however begrudge not feeling appreciated.

My original post was intended just to vent some stress about the responsibilities I take on, but rarely enjoy any type of relationship.

I appreciate the responses. And I respect your opinions. I have made my choice, and do not regret caring for him, but I struggle to withstand the stress sometimes.

Are you able to get some sort of help at night? An aide who can take the night shift a few days a week so you can rest?

(((((( Whatsright )))))) You come here and vent away! We all know the kindness of your heart and we all wish we could help. At least we can listen and offer suggestions.

Do you keep a cooler in his room for the water so at least you don't have to go to the kitchen? That would save some steps. If you could manage to get at least a part-time care-giver, maybe a couple of overnights a week, you could get some rest. You MUST have a break every now and then for your own health. And your mental health.

I think of you often and wished I lived closer because I'd help you.

Is there a caregiver benefit where you are? I agree with night time respite at minimum!

Set a schedule and stick to it. He's being an asshole plain and simple, waiting for you to get back to bed before calling for you again.

He needs to pee 20 times per night, catheter.

You are allowing him to treat you this way. Use the anger to make changes that benefit YOU!

You are not listening. I know, you've been told the boundaries thing a million times. But please read this - having boundaries does not mean you have to stop being the caring generous person you are.

Providing care and support is not the same as letting yourself be treated like a servant.

And having boundaries does not mean you can't establish boundaries in a loving way. (Just don't expect to be thanked!)

Does your H need to hydrate in the evening in order to be healthy? NO. He needs to hydrate, but not at that particular time of day. The time of day is literally of ZERO consequence to his overall health. So what need are you serving? Probably habit. And habit can be changed. After a few times of restricting water in the evenings he will switch to mornings. "Heads up, I need more sleep in order to function. That means no water after 5pm, we're going to get you in the habit of hydrating in the morning. I'm sorry to draw that line, but it's what I need for myself." Then encourage him to drink earlier, and for water requests after 5pm, "I'll be happy to get you water in the morning, I know it's uncomfortable to change a habit, but this is something we are going to try". Write down the phrases you will use if you need to, just repeat them, don't give in. Yes it sucks that your husband can't do what he wants when he wants, but you are not paid help, you are his partner. You can express as much empathy for his situation as you want. It sucks. But you still need to hold your line.

For turning. "I'm going to turn you now because it's about time, and I need to go rest for a bit." What need are you serving by letting him dictate any random time for a turn? NONE. Again, zero health implications. He needs to be turned regularly, but he doesn't need to set the schedule.

You need to hear this stuff. And I'm right there along with you. I have bad boundaries. My uncle asks for money, I give it and even keep it a secret for him so he can save face. My friend asks for help all the time when I'm already feeling stretched, I help because I feel I should simply because she asked. It's key to realize that *some* people will just ask for the moon, and *most* people will assume that if you have a problem with something, you will say so or do something about it. No one is out there thinking "I shouldn't ask this, because WhatsRight will say yes even though it's too much of a burden". No one. Not one single person is going to refrain from asking for this reason. They assume you will say no. They assume if you say yes, you want to do it or it is no hardship to you. I am sure my uncle thinks I have no financial troubles, and I know my friend thinks I will say no if it's too much.

You need to pick at least one thing in your list that you can see yourself changing, without losing your kind, generous, loving nature.

I hope you read this with the intention with which it was offered - in the hopes of helping, by someone who faces similar challenges.

Baby steps.

The time of day is literally of ZERO consequence to his overall health. So what need are you serving?

Pain management. When he has spasms / burning in his bladder, ice water helps relieve some of the pain.

What need are you serving by letting him dictate any random time for a turn? NONE. Again, zero health implications. He needs to be turned regularly, but he doesn't need to set the schedule.

Again, pain management. And assistance with bowel management. And he can feel when he needs to shift positions due to pressure. It’s hard to imagine, but his spinal cord injury was incomplete. So although he is paralyzed, he still can "feel" certain things. He has tried to help me understand by comparing it to the dentist - when your mouth is numb, but you can still "feel" it in a numb way.

Just like with dementia, evenings are harder for him. He has had so much pain in the past few years, that when some pain flares up sometimes in the evening, he starts to panic. The more I try to be assertive at these times, the more upset he gets.

I do set certain boundaries. I determine when he takes his meds, when he eats, what he ears, etc. I feel bad for his predicament. But I also get overwhelmed...which is when I come here to vent.

I don’t want to feel like I am defending myself, or think that y’all are asking me to. I understand that you are trying to help, and I appreciate that.

It’s just a very hard situation for both of us.

With regards to evening / night help, it seems wasteful.

He doesn’t have these bad nights every night. Last night was perfectly peaceful. He peed just before going to sleep, and not again until I woke him for his meds. Most of the time he is agreeable. I’m probably painting a worse picture than it is. It’s just that when it is bad, it is really bad.

And why exactly do you not go to IC for support, ideas, venting, boundaries help, stress relief?

I have watched you receive the same advice from posters over and over and over and over and over, and you will not do one--not even ONE--thing differently. For god's sake, just go to IC and get help with the stress! Why won't you do even one thing for you?!

But you'll have some ridiculous excuse for why you can't even do that for yourself (money, time, energy, love in your heart for yourself, belief in IC, whatever).

How completely cruel can one person be to their own self? It's painful to watch. You don't deserve this abuse--the way you abuse you. It's as if you believe you deserve this life sentence.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 11:28 PM, Wednesday, May 11th]

I came here to vent. To get support.

I don’t know what it is about me that illicit this kind of response.

I appreciate any/all opinions. I do not however, understand being put down / criticized if I choose a different path.

Thanks for the responses to my topic. I’d like to withdraw at this point.