Cookies are required for login or registration. Please read and agree to our cookie policy to continue.

Newest Member: izMAnmLqwM2y5yMBJKA

Off Topic :
I’m really down these days

default

Jeaniegirl ( member #6370) posted at 12:43 AM on Thursday, May 12th, 2022

Whatsright, the occasional care giver would benefit you. I worry when you don't post because I always think the worse -- that you have collapsed under the work and pressure. Dear lady, don't stop posting, please.

"Because I deserve better"

posts: 3110   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2005
id 8734777
default

wildbananas ( member #10552) posted at 12:54 AM on Thursday, May 12th, 2022

WR, you're right - we don't know everything. We can only make suggestions for what we "see." Even if he has good nights with the bad, I still think having help a couple nights a week would be beneficial for you. Even if he's having a good night, you could still sleep all the way through the night. Or even just have a bit of time to yourself to do whatever you want.

We do care. Vent away.

Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

posts: 16538   ·   registered: May. 1st, 2006   ·   location: Somewhere
id 8734779
default

OwningItNow ( member #52288) posted at 12:59 AM on Thursday, May 12th, 2022

1 out of 3 of my kids bothered to tell me Happy Mother’s Day yesterday.

What about this? This is not about your poor, amazing and abusive H needing care. This about WhatsRight needing boundaries with all the people in her life. And IC to help her do that.

Why aren't you fixing the other relationships?

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 12:59 AM, Thursday, May 12th]

me: BS/WSh: WS/BS

Reject the rejector. Do not reject yourself.

posts: 5467   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2016   ·   location: Midwest
id 8734781
default

zebra25 ( member #29431) posted at 1:29 AM on Thursday, May 12th, 2022

((((WhatsRight))))

"Don't let anyone who hasn't been in your shoes tell you how to tie your laces."

D-day April 2010

posts: 2761   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2010
id 8734787
default

Gottagetthrough ( member #27325) posted at 7:03 PM on Monday, May 16th, 2022

(((Whatsright))) i get it. My husband is not physically disabled but mental health issues leave him disabled.

I love doing things for my family. It makes me feel great. But when its not appreciated, the wind goes out of your sails.

I have a divorce atty on retainer! I have paid someone a few thousand dollars already lol!! And still, im here.

I am all for hard work and doing all I can for the family when we are all in life together. The realization that my husband doesnt view us as a team and is just using me is awful.

I agree that IC would be helpful. But i just want to say youve been heard and you are appreciated.

posts: 3743   ·   registered: Jan. 22nd, 2010
id 8735569
default

nightowl1975 ( member #32212) posted at 6:42 AM on Tuesday, May 17th, 2022

My point of view after reading countless threads with the same basic issues between the two of you is thus: He treats you the way you allow him to. It’s really that simple at the end of the day.

If these behaviors and "needs" of his were true and unavoidable, he would’ve been the same way with his sister over the 5 days she was with him. Yet, he wasn’t.

Why do you suppose that is?

Enslaving yourself to him has thus far not resulted in the slightest bit of anything positive from him to you, and it’s not going to. Ever. He has no respect for you, but from all appearances, you have no respect for yourself either.

So I think you need to decide what this looks like going forward. Not deciding is still making a decision. You’re going to get the behavior and treatment you tolerate. For whatever reasons, and I’m sure there are many, you seem determined to tolerate whatever abuse he dishes out, and then some.

We make choices. All of us. He’s making choices. And so are you. You’re the only one who has the power to change this situation in any tangible way. The choice is yours.

[This message edited by nightowl1975 at 6:43 AM, Tuesday, May 17th]

Me: 44
Ex: 52
D Day: 4/2010
Divorced: 7/2010

posts: 780   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2011
id 8735658
default

OwningItNow ( member #52288) posted at 11:16 AM on Wednesday, May 18th, 2022

Being nice is not a superpower. Being nice is just another way of saying "don't like to see people upset" which shows an inability to tolerate the uncomfortable emotion of powerlessness. It shows a lack of knowing when it's "not your monkey, not your circus." It shows a lack of awareness about where one person's job ends and the other person's job begins.

I am so upset and angry all the time that I have even become angry lately with my deceased parents, for raising me in such a way that I feel like I want to do the right thing and take care of him at this point in his life. How screwed up is that???

You are far too old to blame your parents for anything. If WS can't do it, neither can anyone else. You need IC to learn to tolerate uncomfortable feelings of powerlessness over other people's decisions. Isn't IC preferable to divorce? Or blaming your 50 years ago upbringing?

So being too nice = a need for power and control over other people.

How is that a lovely and beautiful quality? Nope, overly nice people are lying to themselves to give themselves self-esteem. They are performing for love and are terrified to stop.

People who are overly nice and helpful to their kids raise kids who do not know how to overcome obstacles and take care of themselves. These kids suffer forever from these nice parents that tried to do for them. They grow up angry and resentful.

People who are overly nice and helpful to their spouse teach their spouse that the spouse's needs are SO important, not their own. The spouse then wonders why they married such a loser that doesn't even like themselves. They lose all respect for their overly nice partner.

People who are overly nice and helpful at work are assigned more tasks, given more work, and expected to handle it. Just expected. And criticized when they can't. Hey, they claimed to be Superman, so then the boss expects Superman.

Being overly nice and helpful is a sickness that poisons the people around them. How does it poison them? The "helpful one" treats their family members, friends, and coworkers like incapable idiots who can never handle anything themselves and can't be trusted to have their own lives and boundaries. These nice people can't take off the cape because then who would they be? They live for the admiration. They need it like a drug. "So get out of my way, family! I got this! I need to show you me doing everything for you! Aren't I awesome?! Please tell me how awesome I am!" Meanwhile the family member is growling in the corner, just wanting SPACE to live their own life.

Being too nice is toxic. Being too nice is dysfunctional. Being too nice makes everyone else resentful.

I do however begrudge not feeling appreciated.

They have not been put on this earth as your cheerleaders and validators and appreciators. You can't make people love and appreciate you, yet you keep trying.

IC will teach you to stop doing what doesn't work. YOU need to behave differently in your relationships, not them. Because they are not under your control. You need to learn to handle you better.

Take the cape off. Your family will never appreciate you for being the toxic Superman that makes them all feel weak and stupid, doing things for them that they can do themselves. Put your focus on your own life. Let them take care of themselves and get some dignity.

You can change if you want to, WhatsRight. Stop asking your WS and kids to change when you won't. Be the change you seek in the world. Go to IC and learn how.

P.S. Your post was NOT a vent, and you took a lot of the most painful things out on an edit. It's a cry for help, but you don't want to admit it. Because Superman doesn't cry out for help, he just vents. Take off the cape. You don't need to be a Superhero to be loved. You are good enough as just a regular human that has overwhelming problems. And needs to change.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 11:27 AM, Wednesday, May 18th]

me: BS/WSh: WS/BS

Reject the rejector. Do not reject yourself.

posts: 5467   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2016   ·   location: Midwest
id 8735818
default

Catwoman ( member #1330) posted at 1:46 PM on Wednesday, May 18th, 2022

OIN nailed it.

In other words, when YOU change, people around you cannot NOT change.

Cat

FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 27 and 24. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

posts: 33052   ·   registered: Apr. 5th, 2003   ·   location: Massachusetts
id 8735834
default

wildbananas ( member #10552) posted at 3:57 PM on Wednesday, May 18th, 2022

Your post was NOT a vent, and you took a lot of the most painful things out on an edit. It's a cry for help, but you don't want to admit it. Because Superman doesn't cry out for help, he just vents. Take off the cape. You don't need to be a Superhero to be loved. You are good enough as just a regular human that has overwhelming problems. And needs to change.

So much this!

You deserve love and support and kindness too, WR.

Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

posts: 16538   ·   registered: May. 1st, 2006   ·   location: Somewhere
id 8735851
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.001.20220428 2002-2022 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy