Being nice is not a superpower. Being nice is just another way of saying "don't like to see people upset" which shows an inability to tolerate the uncomfortable emotion of powerlessness. It shows a lack of knowing when it's "not your monkey, not your circus." It shows a lack of awareness about where one person's job ends and the other person's job begins.
I am so upset and angry all the time that I have even become angry lately with my deceased parents, for raising me in such a way that I feel like I want to do the right thing and take care of him at this point in his life. How screwed up is that???
You are far too old to blame your parents for anything. If WS can't do it, neither can anyone else. You need IC to learn to tolerate uncomfortable feelings of powerlessness over other people's decisions. Isn't IC preferable to divorce? Or blaming your 50 years ago upbringing?
So being too nice = a need for power and control over other people.
How is that a lovely and beautiful quality? Nope, overly nice people are lying to themselves to give themselves self-esteem. They are performing for love and are terrified to stop.
People who are overly nice and helpful to their kids raise kids who do not know how to overcome obstacles and take care of themselves. These kids suffer forever from these nice parents that tried to do for them. They grow up angry and resentful.
People who are overly nice and helpful to their spouse teach their spouse that the spouse's needs are SO important, not their own. The spouse then wonders why they married such a loser that doesn't even like themselves. They lose all respect for their overly nice partner.
People who are overly nice and helpful at work are assigned more tasks, given more work, and expected to handle it. Just expected. And criticized when they can't. Hey, they claimed to be Superman, so then the boss expects Superman.
Being overly nice and helpful is a sickness that poisons the people around them. How does it poison them? The "helpful one" treats their family members, friends, and coworkers like incapable idiots who can never handle anything themselves and can't be trusted to have their own lives and boundaries. These nice people can't take off the cape because then who would they be? They live for the admiration. They need it like a drug. "So get out of my way, family! I got this! I need to show you me doing everything for you! Aren't I awesome?! Please tell me how awesome I am!" Meanwhile the family member is growling in the corner, just wanting SPACE to live their own life.
Being too nice is toxic. Being too nice is dysfunctional. Being too nice makes everyone else resentful.
I do however begrudge not feeling appreciated.
They have not been put on this earth as your cheerleaders and validators and appreciators. You can't make people love and appreciate you, yet you keep trying.
IC will teach you to stop doing what doesn't work. YOU need to behave differently in your relationships, not them. Because they are not under your control. You need to learn to handle you better.
Take the cape off. Your family will never appreciate you for being the toxic Superman that makes them all feel weak and stupid, doing things for them that they can do themselves. Put your focus on your own life. Let them take care of themselves and get some dignity.
You can change if you want to, WhatsRight. Stop asking your WS and kids to change when you won't. Be the change you seek in the world. Go to IC and learn how.
P.S. Your post was NOT a vent, and you took a lot of the most painful things out on an edit. It's a cry for help, but you don't want to admit it. Because Superman doesn't cry out for help, he just vents. Take off the cape. You don't need to be a Superhero to be loved. You are good enough as just a regular human that has overwhelming problems. And needs to change.
[This message edited by OwningItNow at 11:27 AM, Wednesday, May 18th]