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Newest Member: itspointless

Just Found Out :
Good liar!

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 MeSherlock (original poster new member #80261) posted at 2:22 PM on Wednesday, April 27th, 2022

married 24 years 8 months on DDay 25 Feb 2022. H does not know that I discovered the A. H denied denied denied everything and will do so intil proof. H assured that there is no A and no OW. Cannot (don't know how) reveal to him how I have concrete proof. Still in shock. Thinking how to approach situation. Also discovered H is a compulsive liar. So both are living life as normal but it's killing me.

MS

posts: 38   ·   registered: Apr. 27th, 2022   ·   location: USA
id 8732249
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 2:36 PM on Wednesday, April 27th, 2022

Hi, welcome to SI, the best club no one wants to join. So sorry you find yourself here.

Cheaters lie. A lot. Some even when there is undeniable proof. rolleyes

Good for you for not revealing your sources, don't ever tell him how you found out.

Do you know who the other woman is? Is she married? Co-worker?

What kind of proof do you have? Phone records, emails, texts, social media?

Have you told any trusted family members/friends what you discovered?

Please check out the Healing Library. Full of great articles, knowledge is power.

Are you taking care of yourself staying hydrated and sleeping and eating?

posts: 11545   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8732251
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Wool94 ( member #53300) posted at 2:38 PM on Wednesday, April 27th, 2022

I am so sorry your are in this position.

What is your plan?

Are you taking care of yourself?

Does the OW have a spouse or significant other?

Kindof hard to comment and help without any specifics.

Can you share your story?

If you're not ready, we're here for you when you do.

D-Day #1: April 7, 2016
D-Day #2: May 21, 2016
D-Day #3: June 7, 2016
Me: 1975
Her:WW (amn8r) 1981
Son 2006
Daughter 2009
"God not only loves you, but He actually likes you. "-Stephen Hooks

"My faith is mine now."

posts: 3810   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2016   ·   location: Roll Tide Country 🇺🇸
id 8732252
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 MeSherlock (original poster new member #80261) posted at 3:25 PM on Wednesday, April 27th, 2022

Hello annb & Wool94
Thank you for the welcome.
The OW met on line. Then brought her in to work in company. I believe A may have started 4 years earlier. She's married. Her husband since relocated in another state. Hence the monthly out of town meetings.

The out of town meetings i know of was in state and only 4 hours drive. He would go for 1 week. Including weekends.

I have pic proof. Flight and hotel reservations proof to the hotel of her state. When i am out of town for busibess she come here. They use instant messages (IM)

I want out. But he seems like a cake eater. I know his personality. If he leaves on his own then ok. If I kick him out then not ok and may react violently bc he was not the one making the calls. I'm afraid he won't leave!

MS

posts: 38   ·   registered: Apr. 27th, 2022   ·   location: USA
id 8732270
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Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 3:32 PM on Wednesday, April 27th, 2022

You should contact a D attorney ASAP ! tell your family for support and then tell OBS (Other Betrayed Spouse).

posts: 2603   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8732274
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 MeSherlock (original poster new member #80261) posted at 3:40 PM on Wednesday, April 27th, 2022

Thank you Buster123,
Will add to my "to-do" list.
Didn't do yet bc he would go ballistic. Can just see his reaction...
"D for what? I didn't do anything wrong!! It's all in your head. Seeing too many movies...you need a psychiatrist!"

MS

posts: 38   ·   registered: Apr. 27th, 2022   ·   location: USA
id 8732275
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 3:44 PM on Wednesday, April 27th, 2022

I want out.

That's really all you need to know. Get local legal advice on how to best handle that. Use that advice to formulate a plan. Use that plan to prepare, file, and have him served. Most states the A means nothing to getting a D as they are almost all no-fault anymore. Irreconcilable differences work as him having an affair is irreconcilable to staying married to you.

posts: 1219   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8732276
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StrugglingCJ ( member #72778) posted at 3:47 PM on Wednesday, April 27th, 2022

If he might be violent please make sure you have someone with you when you do confront him.

Please remember this is not your fault, it is horrific to go through but you are not the one who has done anything wrong. Only you will know if R is an option for you, and if not then D is most likely best.

Do not ever reveal your sources. Look after yourself first and foremost. There are alot of very helpful people here who can advise you, but things are always your choice.

Sending hugs and sorry you have joined the club you never wanted to join.

WW caught in EA May 17
DDay Mar 19 it was full PA
Struggling for R, but still trying.

posts: 250   ·   registered: Feb. 10th, 2020   ·   location: Essex
id 8732277
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Wool94 ( member #53300) posted at 5:11 PM on Wednesday, April 27th, 2022

If he's going to be violent, get out now.

Have the police there when you confront. This is no joke.

We're all here pulling for you but we can't pull the trigger on your actions.

D-Day #1: April 7, 2016
D-Day #2: May 21, 2016
D-Day #3: June 7, 2016
Me: 1975
Her:WW (amn8r) 1981
Son 2006
Daughter 2009
"God not only loves you, but He actually likes you. "-Stephen Hooks

"My faith is mine now."

posts: 3810   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2016   ·   location: Roll Tide Country 🇺🇸
id 8732297
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 5:17 PM on Wednesday, April 27th, 2022

If you know he is going to be violent use an attorney to file, know the exact time he will be served and use cash to pay for a no tell motel. Have the tracking device on your phone turned off. In fact take the thing down to nothing and purchase a burner phone. Just be gone so he can’t find you and alert the police ahead of time.
You needed out yesterday.

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 3351   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8732298
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 5:20 PM on Wednesday, April 27th, 2022

If you're afraid of him, call the domestic abuse hotline. In the US, it's 800-799-7233. They will point you to further assistance and help you devise a plan to extricate yourself safely.

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5665   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8732300
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 MeSherlock (original poster new member #80261) posted at 7:08 PM on Wednesday, April 27th, 2022

Thank you (grubs, SrugglingCJ,Wool94, Cooley2here, ChamomileTea) for all your replies and important advise. This helps a lot just to be able to talk about it. I've been bottling it inside. I've only shared details with my older sister. She's worried about my well being more than anything. And she too not sure what is the safest route. I've been losing sleep and appetite for the past 2 months. But today, I've been the best for a while. I was actually "hungry". What I did not mentioned is I have to think about the family and all the things we built together. I will be damned if OW just walks in here and takes over. He's is a good father to our kids. Supporting them for whatever they needed. Paying for their schooling, cars, insurance, boarding, trips, allowances, etc... I don't want him to cut things off out of revenge for D. Or OW forbids him to continue doing so. He does not have to pay for these things bc they are in their 20s. So I have those details to think through. I will take all the precautions suggested and seek legal advice. Good to have a safe place to express my fears and feelings. Thank you everyone.

MS

posts: 38   ·   registered: Apr. 27th, 2022   ·   location: USA
id 8732324
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Trapped74 ( member #49696) posted at 7:35 PM on Wednesday, April 27th, 2022

A) No, he's not a good father. Good fathers don't blow up their families for a piece of ass.

B) No, He's not a good father. Good fathers don't terrify their wives.

C) He can't cut anything off financially. That's what lawyers and courts are for. ETA: Oops, sorry just read the part about them being in their 20s.

OK, so amend to say:

C) No, he's not a good father (or person) if you legitimately worry he's the kind of person to punish his children for his own actions.

Everything you're afraid he'll do proves he is not a good father or a good man.

[This message edited by Trapped74 at 7:37 PM, Wednesday, April 27th]

Many DDays. Me (BW) 46 Him (WH) 49
Happily detached and compartmentalized.

posts: 218   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Oregon
id 8732328
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 MeSherlock (original poster new member #80261) posted at 7:53 PM on Wednesday, April 27th, 2022

Thank you Trapped74.
You made excellent points that I overlooked. You are so right!!!!

A) No, he's not a good father. Good fathers don't blow up their families for a piece of ass.

Thank you for making me laugh. I needed that!!

MS

posts: 38   ·   registered: Apr. 27th, 2022   ·   location: USA
id 8732333
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Forks027 ( member #59996) posted at 8:51 PM on Wednesday, April 27th, 2022

Keep that proof locked up tight. Don’t reveal your sources.

I’m sorry, but if you’re afraid of him turning to violence, this is neither a safe person nor a good father.

Can you see if you can get a consultation with an attorney to see what divorce would look like?

[This message edited by Forks027 at 8:54 PM, Wednesday, April 27th]

posts: 407   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2017
id 8732341
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 9:18 PM on Wednesday, April 27th, 2022

He almost certainly is a cake eater and isn't going to choose to leave.

He wants to be married and have an AP.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1974   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8732347
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 MeSherlock (original poster new member #80261) posted at 9:27 PM on Wednesday, April 27th, 2022

Hello Forks027,
Thanks. Evidence is tightly sealed and mums on the sources. That is the hardest part. I know the truth with evidence in my hands, and when I tested him, he would look me in the eyes and LIED! He said he has not been with any one and swears on his mother's life. OMG...told you he's a good liar!

There are incidents in my state when W filed for divorce and H doesn't want, so H went on a shooting rampage on her entire family then himself. Since he has guns, I have to be on guard, he has a devious mind and who knows what he is capable of when calling him out. Like everyone is pointing out to me, he is not a nice person.
I have a gut feeling he will deny or do whatever it takes to protect his image, and will do whatever it takes to destroy me if I revealed his lies and years of affairs. Or shut me up somehow before I get a chance to come out with his secrets.
After all these helpful posts, I am actively searching for attorneys now. Thank you

MS

posts: 38   ·   registered: Apr. 27th, 2022   ·   location: USA
id 8732350
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DailyGratitude ( member #79494) posted at 1:14 AM on Thursday, April 28th, 2022

Sorry you are in this situation. It’s awful.
I also knew about my xWH’s A but kept quiet about it because I was afraid of what he might do. Those eight weeks were the hardest weeks of my life. I thought i was going to explode.
D attorney will be able to guide you. Good luck. Stay strong.

Me: BW mid 50’sHim: WH late 50’sMarrried 25 yearsDday: EA 2002 PA 9/2021Divorce 10/2021 (per wh’s request) WH left to be with AP

posts: 292   ·   registered: Oct. 17th, 2021   ·   location: Connecticut
id 8732388
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 MeSherlock (original poster new member #80261) posted at 1:29 AM on Thursday, April 28th, 2022

Hello DailyGratitude,
I am sorry you went through this. I can honestly say, I know exactly how you feel.
While happily married couples plan their upcoming 25th wedding anniversary, I'm heartbroken and planning a divorce. I feel disgusted when I see his face. He acts like nothing has happened and all I can think of are pictures they sent to each other and the airbnb where they stayed. I just want to throw up. 😪

MS

posts: 38   ·   registered: Apr. 27th, 2022   ·   location: USA
id 8732392
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Forks027 ( member #59996) posted at 1:43 AM on Thursday, April 28th, 2022

Probably a good idea to make backups of the evidence and store them in a secret flash drive or entrust them to a reliable friend/family member.

Have you told anyone IRL?

ETA: Be careful. He might already be getting a smear campaign going against you just to protect his own ass. I don't mean to make you feel paranoid, but people like your H never fail to surprise me.

[This message edited by Forks027 at 1:47 AM, Thursday, April 28th]

posts: 407   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2017
id 8732394
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